Mom wants to help

[Seraphim]

1. My mom wants to help me finish with our new house set up and unpack. 
 

2. My mom is badly mobility disabled and needs a walker and can barely get up my steps and her walker won’t fit any place in my house to walk around. She also can’t stand beyond about 45 seconds without needing to sit. 
 

3. She becomes severely insulted if I say she can’t help because of her mobility issues and it is actually more work and worry for me. She also can’t lift anything over 5 pounds because she has broken her back 4 times and has a crumbling spine. 
 

4. I would have to drive 2 hours to pick her up and 2 hours back home and the same on the other end. 
 

5. She is severely allergic to my cats and her eyes and tongue swell. 
 

6. She is lonely and bored all day so I think that is why she wants to come. But truly she won’t be any help she will just be company. 
 

I don’t want her to come but she will be so insulted and sad if I say no. 😢😬

[junebug123]

Is it possible to schedule time to spend with her? Maybe its less about her helping and more about feeling the need to support you. I know that even thou I am an adult my mom still loves being in that role of the protector and care giver. Sometimes having that ability makes us feel strong and competent, people more then anything want to be needed and cherished.

[Seraphim]

Just now, junebug123 said:

Is it possible to schedule time to spend with her? Maybe its less about her helping and more about feeling the need to support you. I know that even thou I am an adult my mom still loves being in that role of the protector and care giver. Sometimes having that ability makes us feel strong and competent, people more then anything want to be needed and cherished.

Since I moved closer a month ago I have seen her 4 times and will be a 5th time tomorrow for Thanksgiving. 
 

It is totally because she wants to be supportive. She also wants to light a fire under me because I am depressed right now because of the move and she wants me to move faster and get back to work. She has always hammered me hard in the emotional sense to “ do what I should be doing” as she sees it. 

[junebug123]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

She has always hammered me hard in the emotional sense to “ do what I should be doing” as she sees it. 

That's where you need to step back and not get confused with what's right for you, versus what she feels is right for you. It would be easy for you to tell her you don't need her help, if there wasn't any guilt attached to supplicating her needs; and prioritizing them over your own.

[Lambert]

Is there something you can ask her to do that she can do at her place? 

I know moving is not really something she can do "off site" but if she really wants to help, give her a job. 

Are there papers that need filled out? Can she bake or make something? Can she do something on line or do you need some kind of craft made?

Aside from that, it stinks but.... a two hour drive, too?? That would be a deal breaker for me.  At some point, she just has to accept, it's not practical. Don't make yourself crazy over this. She's out of line. 

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

 

 

8 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Is there something you can ask her to do that she can do at her place? 

I know moving is not really something she can do "off site" but if she really wants to help, give her can job. 

Are papers that need filled out? Can she bake or make dinner?  Can she do something on line or do you need some kind of craft made?

Aside from that, it stinks but.... a two hour drive, too?? That would be a deal breaker for me.  At some point, she just has to accept, it's not practical. Don't make yourself crazy over this. She's out of line. 

No, she can’t even cook for herself . She is far too crippled. Her hands and fingers are bent sideways with arthritis and she can’t stand longer than literally 40 seconds. She can’t even make her own food. She has to wait for my step dad to come home . She can’t bake, never could and I am diabetic anyway so no baked goods for this woman. 
 

No papers to do, it was all arranged through the military which is up to my husband. 
 

Basically she wants to tell me where to place things in my house , where to hang pictures I haven’t put some up yet and yap to me about getting my daycare restarted. THAT is what she wants to do other than spending time with me which is of course part of it . 

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

That's where you need to step back and not get confused with what's right for you, versus what she feels is right for you. It would be easy for you to tell her you don't need her help, if there wasn't any guilt attached to supplicating her needs; and prioritizing them over your own.

For sure she just gets very insulted when I don’t take on her advice but I am 55 years old and can handle my own life. 

[Seraphim]

She is very relentless when she wants me to do something. She has always been this way. But if she is far away I can ignore texts or say I have to go if I am on the phone . If she is at my house she can natter to her heart’s content. 

[DarkCh0c0]

You come first.

Remember that.

I don't care how insulted she'd feel or hurt. She's asking for too much and you have to accommodate so much. Kindly decline. "Mom I love you, but I thought over it and can't do it this time. I'd like to arrange the furniture myself and get some rest time with my husband. We'll stay in touch/ re-arrange another time once we're more in x stage of the move/we can meet another time for coffee"

Could that work? Remember, she's going to be hurt anyways. It's just how it is.

[Kwothe28]

Aside of straight up telling her its a hassle to have her there because she really cant help with anything, even by just making coffee for people, you could endure the nagging and just let her be there. Sadly, in this situation there are only those two options. Or to lie and say how the car broke down and you cant pick her up but I am not a fan of lying and dont believe even that would stop her in her demands. Anyway, I believe its better to put the line in the sand now. Its maybe a bit too late, but the trouble is, people who are pushy like your mother like to push, and push, and push. So its better to put that line there so they can know your limits. I dont believe that would stop her in the future demands, but at least let her know that you cant have her there. She will maybe be insulted, but she is also your mom. It will probably pass her after a while.

[Seraphim]

You are both right. It has to be my way in this . I know she sincerely does want to help. She feels a certain responsibility for me since something that happened 42 years ago which dramatically changed my life forever but she needs to let that responsibility go. I am my own responsibility and I will do things in my own time. 
 

She doesn’t know a different tactic than push push push and I can’t always for the sake of my own mental health tolerate it. This is something for me and my husband to do. I know a mom feels forever responsible for her children and that is part of it and she really does love me and I her, but being pushed to “ snap out of it” is not the mentality I need right now . 
 

If she was actually still capable of physical help, yes, that would be helpful but the fact is she would be another added responsibility on top of everything. And I think she believes herself to be more capable than she is. But my house it just not big enough to get her walker around the furniture and it would be two hours there to pick her up, two hours back to my place and then 2 hours back to her house and another 2 hours back home for me. BEFORE and AFTER all the directions of do this and that etc etc and then we are getting into beyond my endurance. She is 75 and I am 55 next month. She is just not seeing I am middle aged and get tired. While I am not old by any means I am not spring chicken category anymore either. 
 

Yes, she will get over feeling insulted. I just have to say, mom, you know how much I love you but let me do this my way. 

[Batya33]

My mother in law was disabled in a similar way. She helped my husband move out of his apartment (before he was married) by sitting in one place and going through stuff (sigh unfortunately she threw away a really valuable memento from a very famous person -and then wanted to write to said person to beg for a replacement.....) but yes she was helpful and didn't live that close by.  Maybe do it for one day?  I know it must be frustrating.  I'm sorry!

Or do the blame the doctor thing sort of "mom you know they just found out there might be allergens under all the stuff in our home and I wouldn't want you to get sick/feel poorly" or "the doctor/physical therapist said I can't really drive long distances right now unless it's necessary and I don't want to risk my (back/neck/sanity) by doing that sort of drive when we're in the process of moving"

[Lambert]

10 hours ago, Seraphim said:

 

No, she can’t even cook for herself . She is far too crippled. Her hands and fingers are bent sideways with arthritis and she can’t stand longer than literally 40 seconds. She can’t even make her own food. She has to wait for my step dad to come home . She can’t bake, never could and I am diabetic anyway so no baked goods for this woman. 
 

No papers to do, it was all arranged through the military which is up to my husband. 
 

Basically she wants to tell me where to place things in my house , where to hang pictures I haven’t put some up yet and yap to me about getting my daycare restarted. THAT is what she wants to do other than spending time with me which is of course part of it . 

Sorry Seraphim. Sounds like a difficult situation. Parents! 

I wish I had a suggestion that works! 

[Andrina]

I'd explain that driving 8 hours in a day will prevent you from getting 8 hours of work done on your house. And that after driving the initial 4 hours, you won't have any energy left for doing any unpacking on that day.

Perhaps, so she can feel needed, start calling her to ask on her advice about things you'd be okay with either way, i.e., "What color scheme should I use for the day care? Should I hang the family portrait in the living room or the entryway? What cleaning product do you use for XYZ?" 

I'd go with what causes less aggravation. To me, that'd be briefly listening to her gripe that she's not getting her way, and then tell her you have to to go and unpack the dishes, and hang up.

Why have you seen her weekly when you're busy setting up a new home? 

[Seraphim]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My mother in law was disabled in a similar way. She helped my husband move out of his apartment (before he was married) by sitting in one place and going through stuff (sigh unfortunately she threw away a really valuable memento from a very famous person -and then wanted to write to said person to beg for a replacement.....) but yes she was helpful and didn't live that close by.  Maybe do it for one day?  I know it must be frustrating.  I'm sorry!

Or do the blame the doctor thing sort of "mom you know they just found out there might be allergens under all the stuff in our home and I wouldn't want you to get sick/feel poorly" or "the doctor/physical therapist said I can't really drive long distances right now unless it's necessary and I don't want to risk my (back/neck/sanity) by doing that sort of drive when we're in the process of moving"

It is REALLY frustrating because when she doesn’t want to do something , like go to the doctor when she needs to she sites her physical disability. Oh I need to wait for Papa to be off work so he can help me. But if she wants to get her hair done or come to my place her disability isn’t THAT bad. 🙄🙄🙄

She just has to understand I can help myself. 

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'd explain that driving 8 hours in a day will prevent you from getting 8 hours of work done on your house. And that after driving the initial 4 hours, you won't have any energy left for doing any unpacking on that day.

Perhaps, so she can feel needed, start calling her to ask on her advice about things you'd be okay with either way, i.e., "What color scheme should I use for the day care? Should I hang the family portrait in the living room or the entryway? What cleaning product do you use for XYZ?" 

I'd go with what causes less aggravation. To me, that'd be briefly listening to her gripe that she's not getting her way, and then tell her you have to to go and unpack the dishes, and hang up.

Why have you seen her weekly when you're busy setting up a new home? 

I agree, how am I going to drive 8 hours and get any work done? It makes little to no sense. 
 

We have seen family so often because for 11 years we lived further away than here and the last almost 2 years of Covid we have only seen them like twice a year. My mom is on borrowed time as she has a fatal illness and my dad passed last year and my FIL a few months ago so we are feeling pulled closer to our families before they are no longer there.