Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[Shay1018]

My daughter is 14 and I’ve been married to my husband since she was three. He has always been there for her as a great stepdad. My daughter’s room is downstairs and even though she is 14 he still goes downstairs every night to sleep next to her after I fall asleep at 3:00am. Then comes back up every morning around 7am. I know nothing is going on and my daughter is completely comfortable around him, she says nothing but good things. However, she is fourteen and doesn’t need a grown adult sleeping next to her every night. I told him how I felt and that he doesn’t need to do that anymore but all he says is “you can’t tell me what to do” and disregards how I feel. He then said “well I’ll go downstairs and sleep on the couch near her since you don’t want me in the bed”which makes no sense at all! He told me I am just trying to “control” where he sleeps and my daughter doesn’t have a problem with it. He told me I am the only one who thinks something is wrong with it and that I am insecure! I wanted to punch him in the face when he said that.  He always turns it around on me and makes me look like I crazy for thinking this way. I just want to scream! He claims he goes down there because she likes to talk until she falls asleep but at 3am in the morning you should be sleep not talking! She is fourteen for goodness sake  how long will he be doing this? I just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing for some reason. She isn’t five anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I just overreacting?

[Lambert]

I don't think you are over reacting and his reaction is also a red flag.

What healthy normal man chooses to sleep with his step daughter over his wife?

Furthermore his comment, you can't tell him what to do? 

umm what? 

of course you can she is your daughter and this is completely inappropriate.

Your husband is wrong on all counts... your daughter and how he speaks to you.

How is he not abusing her? a grown man crawling in a child's bed is abusive. 

You need to protect your daughter.  I would leave this guy. 

[Batya33]

You are the mother.  He is not her adoptive father right?  It is inappropriate and sends the wrong message and is disruptive to her sleep -and that's if nothing is going on.  A grown man -especially a man who is not her father -should never ever be sleeping right next to a teenage girl especially a young teenage girl.  Yes you can tell him how he has to behave around your daughter's body.  She may not be complaining but you won't know why - and next thing you know she might confide in a friend and then you have investigators in your house and social workers figuring out if your daughter is being abused and if you knew about it. 

Maybe she says good things because she is scared or because he promised to upgrade her iphone if she lets him cuddle with her.

Edited to add -yes, there are times when a parent shares a bed with a child - even a 14 year old -when the teenager or tween is sick and needs comforting, when he or she has a bad dream or is scared/anxious then yes the comforting aspect is more important than whether it's treating him/her like a baby.  But then the adult is in the proper parental role - and the child/teenager perceives that and knows that and no one would bat an eye were she to tell her doctor "yes my daddy will come sleep in my room if I have a bad dream" or "I have a queen size bed and my dad will lay on the bed until I fall asleep".

  It's also ok and even wonderful for a parent to cuddle with a teenager of course.  I really wanted to share this because of course there's pushback about the parental role and it's not necessarily inappropriate or taboo.  I do think when it's not the parent or the adoptive parent there's less reason for bed sharing at that age, for sure.    

[melancholy123]

OMG!  I'd kick him to the curb.  This is wrong on so many levels. so she says she is ok with this, she may be lying to you because he's told her it's their little secret and not to tell you because you wouldn't understand!  Surely you know just how wrong this is.

All hell will break loose if her friends find out and one tells their parent about this and that parent calls the cops.

You cant prove he hasn't touched her or even raped her.  You just dont know that, but it is your job to protect your 14 yr old daughter!  Or any other 14 yr old girl in your house.

 

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with Batya as in if DCYF were to get involved, you're likely go down with him.  Keep in mind that this girl is a minor, and it's your job to protect her.

No offense but why are you allowing this, along with letting it go on for a length of time?

[Honeycomb8]

What he's doing is wrong and clearly you know that too. He's gaslighting you and disrespecting both you and your daughter. It's time to divorce him. 

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Shay1018 said:

He told me I am just trying to “control” where he sleeps and my daughter doesn’t have a problem with it. He told me I am the only one who thinks something is wrong with it and that I am insecure!

No, you are not over reacting.  If anything, everyone would agree with you!

Right, once a child hits a certain age, they should not be around one of opposite sex.  Same goes for siblings. ( if brother/sister, I think by age 6, should be in seperate bedrooms).

HE is acting out in a bad way!  He needs to smarten up & realize this!  No, he should not need to be down there & yes, she should be asleep by 3 am.

I suggest you inform it it stops, or you won't be around with her much longer!  If he is going to react to you this way.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Shay1018 said:

 she is 14 he still goes downstairs every night to sleep next to her after I fall asleep at 3:00am. Then comes back up every morning around 7am. 

What!? You need to take her to a physician for an evaluation for sexual abuse.

What the hell are you doing? 

[DarkCh0c0]

Okay. He IS CRAZY!!!

I suggest before you do anything to buy a wireless camera and put it on a top shelf discretely in her bedroom. When he goes down, you check your phone recording from the camera and see what he's doing. You'll have proof! He might not do anything as soon as he goes to her bedroom. You might have to check the recording the next day. Make sure he doesn't find out about the camera/receives this by mail instead of you.

Have you ever talked to your daughter about this?! In a "cute" way? "So daddy came over? Do you fee safe when he's there?". Although, if he told her to never tell mommy, she most probably won't if he's a perv.

I agree with everyone else. But, consider the camera for proof. This is disgusting.

Forhow long has this been going? You're most probably living with a perv!!! Please save your daughter.

[DarkCh0c0]

Also,if you catch an act on camera: don't face him immediately. Call the cops discretely before you get your daughter(so as the cops drop by). You don't know who you're really dealing with here.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Remember to call the cops. You can't save her if he threatens/becomes violent on you.

[MissCanuck]

This is absurdly inappropriate. 

There is no reason why he needs to be sleeping next to her, and it doesn't matter if she is okay with it. You are the adult, and you know this is not right. 

If this has been going on for years, then he's been grooming her. In her mind, this might indeed seem "fine" because he's always done this - which should have been a huge red flag, and he should have been out the door ages ago. 

Why do you tolerate this? 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Shay1018 said:

My daughter is 14 and I’ve been married to my husband since she was three. 

Where is her father? Hopefully she'll tell a trusted adult what's going on and you two go to jail.

You're pimping out your child to a pedophile. You're guilty as well.

[Kwothe28]

What he does to you, its called "gaslighting". Its a way of manipulating someone to doubt their own sanity. Telling how you are crazy, how you are trying to control somebody, that is just his way of having you doubt yourself and allowing him to do whatever he wants. And at the very least him sleeping there is extremely innapropriate. And you should cut that through right now. At the worst case, you probably scarred your daughter for life. She is a minor, if he does innapropriate stuff to her she wont know until her later age that it was trully innapropriate. That is why we are responsible for our kids until some age, because they dont know better. You should have never allowed that in the first place. Now, you can only cut that through and hope nothing else has been going on. 

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

If this has been going on for years, then he's been grooming her

MC I really really hope it hasn't been going on for years. I really really hope so. If so, then idk what to say. The mom is as guilty.

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

MC I really really hope it hasn't been going on for years. 

12 hours ago, Shay1018 said:

he still goes downstairs every night to sleep next to her after I fall asleep at 3:00am.

He always turns it around on me and makes me look like I crazy for thinking this way.

I also hope it hasn't been going on for years, but these points from @Shay1018's post jumped out at me. I interpret her wording to mean that is has been happening for some time, at least. That it isn't new behaviour. 

OP, can you clarify exactly how long this has been taking place? 

[Andrina]

Diane Russell’s 1984 random survey of 930 adult women in San Francisco. This study found that:

... 17% or one of approximately every six women who had a stepfather as a principal figure in her childhood years, was sexually abused by him. The comparable figures for biological fathers were 2% or one out of approximately 40 women.

It doesn't matter if your daughter doesn't mind his inappropriate behavior. She lacks the reasoning skills of an adult. You have to protect her above all else, including the expense of your marriage.

This is crossing boundaries and abuse, even if he hasn't touched her. Even if he chose to now abide by your rules, as for me, I would immediately begin divorce proceedings, because what I knew was going on in his brain, being too overly involved with her, would churn my stomach.

And then I'd meet with a psychological professional, tell him/her what may have happened, so that your daughter could be brought in and questioned by a psychologist to make sure any damage done to her mentally and possibly physically can be addressed. You might not know how to appropriately question her, where a skilled person will know how to go about it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Batya33]

Just now, Andrina said:

And then I'd meet with a psychological professional, tell him/her what may have happened, so that your daughter could be brought in and questioned by a psychologist to make sure any damage done to her mentally and possibly physically can be addressed. You might not know how to appropriately question her, where a skilled person will know how to go about it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Also what have you talked about with your daughter in the past 10 years or so (meaning from the time she was talking in sentences) about appropriate vs. inappropriate touching? When my son was 4 we watched -a couple of times - together, a DVD by John Walsh -featuring "Safety Stranger Chick" or something like that -for younger kids than your daughter but she went through various scenarios and the boundaries of what is appropriate and what to do in situations where you feel uncomfortable/someone is being inappropriate.  Honestly a teenager might find it silly but it's so well done and so utterly professional in its message it wouldn't be a bad place to start (or contact the producer for more age appropriate videos).  If your daughter is telling you its fine it's either because she's clueless or because she's not but benefiting in some financial way (and/or scared out of her mind).  

When I was 12 I took guitar lessons from a guy who probably was 20 if that who spoke to me inappropriately.  Because I had a solid relationship with my parents I told my mom probably the second time it happened if not the first.  Lessons over. I am sure I told her it was inappropriate but I'm also sure if I'd just repeated what he said to me the lessons would have been over. 

You already know this is inappropriate.  It doesn't matter if she's fine with it.  My 12 year old son was "fine" with copying his fellow school bus riders who were sitting on top of their seats and sliding down "but not when the bus was moving, so it's fine".  He feels comfortable telling me everything and he wanted me to say -I'm sure - no, it's not fine -you don't get to judge whether it's safe - I'm telling you sit yourself on that seat no matter what the other kids are doing." 

Children like rules on some level even if they protest -they like feeling secure that their parent is watching out for them and setting down structure and boundaries when their brains/desires aren't quite ready for it.

She's 14.  She also doesn't get to choose when it comes to safety issues like this.  You do.  Do your job because she could be damaged for life.  Or worse.

[Shay1018]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I also hope it hasn't been going on for years, but these points from @Shay1018's post jumped out at me. I interpret her wording to mean that is has been happening for some time, at least. That it isn't new behaviour. 

OP, can you clarify exactly how long this has been taking place? 

What I mean by years is, when she was younger around 7 and 8 he use to read a story to her and sit there with her until she fell asleep but now that she has gotten older it has moved to coming down in the middle of the night. They have both gotten mad at me for insinuating that something inappropriate is going on. My daughter has told me privately that she sees nothing wrong with what he is doing and nothing is happening. Even if nothing is going on everyone is right, it is still wrong. I am going to purchase a hidden camera like some suggested.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Shay1018 said:

What I mean by years is, when she was younger around 7 and 8 he use to read a story to her and sit there with her until she fell asleep but now that she has gotten older it has moved to coming down in the middle of the night. They have both gotten mad at me for insinuating that something inappropriate is going on. My daughter has told me privately that she sees nothing wrong with what he is doing and nothing is happening. Even if nothing is going on everyone is right, it is still wrong. I am going to purchase a hidden camera like some suggested.

Act now not when you get around to purchasing a hidden camera.  Our children being mad at us is part of parenting -you're there to be her parent not her friend.  Reading a story and sitting near a child or even teenager while he/she falls asleep has nothing to do with sleeping with her in the middle of the night.  Nothing at all.  One is normal and the other at least gives the impression of inappropriate contact.  Are you interested in retaining custody of your child? If she feels comfortable with it it's even more likely to be revealed to a friend or a teacher or some suggestion of it.  And that will get the ball rolling to social workers etc coming to your home.  I know if I heard of such a thing I would feel morally obligated to report it.  And I would.

[DancingFool]

29 minutes ago, Shay1018 said:

What I mean by years is, when she was younger around 7 and 8 he use to read a story to her and sit there with her until she fell asleep but now that she has gotten older it has moved to coming down in the middle of the night. They have both gotten mad at me for insinuating that something inappropriate is going on. My daughter has told me privately that she sees nothing wrong with what he is doing and nothing is happening. Even if nothing is going on everyone is right, it is still wrong. I am going to purchase a hidden camera like some suggested.

 

OP, children, especially if molested very young will quite often live in denial and even protect their abuser. It's a form of psychological self preservation combined with being groomed and brainwashed to accept molestation as normal or even love.

You don't need a camera to understand what is going on. From everything you are describing, it's self evident that he is a pedo and there is nothing normal about his behavior and hasn't been for years. What's disturbing to me is why have you been in denial for so long and why do you need a camera to put your foot down and divorce this creep and remove your daughter from his clutches?

Get to a good divorce lawyer and get you and your child away from this today. Please do not get fooled into "well fine he won't sleep with her at night" because he can molest her any time of day too. There is literally nothing normal about this and hasn't been for years.

 

[boltnrun]

Also, since she is in her early teens she might believe she is "in love" with him. Maybe he's told her he will divorce you and marry her.

And no, that is not farfetched. These things do happen. For God's sake, Woody Allen married his wife's adopted daughter.

[DancingFool]

Also want to add this - your daughter is a child. It's not up to her to tell you what is normal. It's on you as her parent to teach her what is and is not normal or acceptable and enforce that. What this man is doing is about as unacceptable as it gets and his reaction and gaslighting of you....yikes....

You are the adult and the parent. Start acting like one instead of rolling around like a tumbleweed in the wind - he says, she says. This is way beyond arguments, you need to talk to a pitbull lawyer, take your child and get out of this. Also, you and your daughter both need therapy because it sounds like you have both been brainwashed and manipulated quite a bit by this man.

[DarkCh0c0]

17 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

This is way beyond arguments, you need to talk to a pitbull lawyer, take your child and get out of this. Also, you and your daughter both need therapy because it sounds like you have both been brainwashed and manipulated quite a bit by this man.

Agree.

I only suggested camera because I want her to flip out when she sees what's happening and learn to trust her mom and adult gut. OP doesn't seem strong enough to face him more/put her foot down. She probably doesn't believe what's happening (I mean when you think about it, it's crazy to find yourself living with a pedo).

OP do what you need to do asap. But be smart and careful. If he's a pedo, then his mind it f* twisted and he can go angry/violent. Keep the police in mind again and consult a lawyer asap. Save your daughter asap. If this has happened for years, then she is very very psychologically damaged and has a trauma for life to deal with 😞

[Shay1018]

4 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Also want to add this - your daughter is a child. It's not up to her to tell you what is normal. It's on you as her parent to teach her what is and is not normal or acceptable and enforce that. What this man is doing is about as unacceptable as it gets and his reaction and gaslighting of you....yikes....

You are the adult and the parent. Start acting like one instead of rolling around like a tumbleweed in the wind - he says, she says. This is way beyond arguments, you need to talk to a pitbull lawyer, take your child and get out of this. Also, you and your daughter both need therapy because it sounds like you have both been brainwashed and manipulated quite a bit by this man.

You are right. I can admit that I have been in denial trying to convince myself that maybe it is innocent. He says I am sick for thinking the way I am but he is the sick one.   I tried to ignore my gut instinct but I just couldn’t anymore which is why I needed some advice. I feel stupid for even questioning myself, I should of took action sooner. Even if he did stop I will always feel sick to my stomach around him. I’m taking your advice and will be contacting a lawyer so they can assist me on the next steps I need to take. I don’t care if my daughter hates me for this, one day she will understand. 

[boltnrun]

I'm glad you're going to protect your child.