Beauty and the beast

[Paulsymm]

Hi all. This might seem a bit of a strange one...just stated dating someone, been a few weeks. I will openly admit I'm not the best looking guy in the world. I'm 53, 6' tall, bald but in my favour I do go to the gym a lot so for my age I am reasonably fit (physically).

The woman I've stated dating is a few years younger than me. She I'd also absolutely stunning. So how do I build my confidence and accept she wants to be dating me as I seem to be in denial just now.

[SherrySher]

You need to take the focus off of superficial aspects of the relationship, because it truly doesn't amount to much at all.

Outer appearances don't make someone a good person, nor does it mean they will be a good partner, or someone worthwhile being with.

You need to delve deeper than that and actually get to know her for who she really is.

See all sides of her, good, bad and indifferent.

What is her temper like? Have you ever seen her angry, tired, sick, frustrated, inpatient, grouchy, hungry, etc?

Have you spent enough time with her to know if you two truly are compatible, or could there be potential problems down the road with how well you get along, or connect?

Right now, you need to be focusing on what her heart and soul is all about, and not her face.

Outer beauty is not forever, it does change with age, but other factors can change it too.

You need to fall in love with a heart, not a face.

Do you know her very well right now, or are you still getting to know her?

Because if you barely know her, you might want to slow down, and start taking the time to actually get to know this person and to find out all of the above first, before you even know whether you're a match, or not, or whether she truly is worthwhile being with, or not.

[Paulsymm]

Thank you for your reply. 

From what I've seen she has no temper at all, she is as nice on the inside as the out.

I have been told in the past I am a nice person, so I will take on board what you have said. She must be seeing my inner beauty.

[itsallgrand]

Why is your confidence low? Has something happened in the past to make it hard for you to believe an attractive woman could be interested in you? 

 

[waffle]

My question is why are physical appearances the only thing that's important to you?

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Paulsymm said:

just stated dating someone, been a few weeks.

How many dates have you been on? Do both of you have the same aged kids, or custody?

Are you or she recently divorced?

Don't worry about it. You're just having the new dating butterflies. Enjoy getting to know each other.

 

[Fudgie]

If conventional beauty and attraction was the primary, main factor in dating, then barely anyone above the age of 50 would be getting laid. 

It really does take all types and physical attraction isn't everything. It also is augmented big time by emotional connection. When you care about someone and respect them, you feel more attracted to them on a physical level. 

[boltnrun]

I'm no beauty queen yet when I was younger I got a lot of attention from men.  Even now with my gray hair and my lame wardrobe (trying to fix that!) I still get flirted with and I see men in cars looking when I walk past.  I am in my 50s with a slim figure so maybe they don't notice my gray hair lol.

I've dated mostly extremely good looking men.  They liked that I am a fun person who likes meeting people and is up for just about any kind of activity.  I like sports that a lot of women don't care for (NFL football, auto racing) so that maybe helps.

Be your own awesome self and I'm sure she will respond well.  She must like you and probably finds you more physically attractive than you might think!

You're not a "beast", BTW.  You come across as way too pleasant to be a "beast".

[Batya33]

She may find you attractive even though you judge yourself as unattractive.  

[lostandhurt]

This is where you need to allow her to make her own choices and judgements.  You are actually deciding she is not attracted to you for her.

  What do you think would be the worst thing to do to ruin what you have going on with her?

I think being insecure would be towards the top of that list don't you?

Keep hitting the gym, go buy some new shirts so you look sharp, smell nice and be who you are.  If she is really into you she will stick around so have fun and enjoy the ride.

Lost 

[limichelle]

Confidence!

 

You need to be sure of your positive qualities. They excude onto the surface. 
 

When I was in high school there was this very overweight girl whom was the most popular girl in school. 
 

You know why?

She had an awesome personality and awesome confidence. All the guys wanted to be with her! 
 

Now today she’s physically fit but still the same awesome person. 
 

When you talk to someone who radiates more from the inside. You tend to loose focus on the outer. 
 

 

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for all women.  However, I'm attracted to brain power, personality, emotional intelligence (empathy), decency, courtesy, respect, integrity, morals, job, income and treating others with dignity. 

Unfortunately, a lot of physically attractive women have observed a lot of shallow men who don't have any substance nor do they behave honorably.  A lot of women have grown very picky and choosy and value what is most enduring which is high quality character.

The woman you are dating is accepting you because of who you are.  Appreciate the fact that she sees your soul and concentrates on what is most important. 

You build your confidence when you are no longer self conscious and insecure.  Step outside your skin and your confidence will grow. 

[poorlittlefish]

One of my colleagues has re-entered the dating game in her mid 50s.  She's told me that as long as they have two eyes, she'll date them and she's not kidding!  To her, being able to write proper messages, being intelligent and being able to make her laugh are far more important than what the guy looks like.  The result is that she goes on lots of dates.

Also, attraction isn't necessarily instantaneous.  I've had partners that I wasn't particularly attracted to on the first date, but I grew to find them super attractive.  Be kind to yourself.  Just because you think yourself unattractive, it doesn't mean that everyone else must share your view.

[James516]

Be patient. For any new relationship, there is an average of a few months from the start that is a free pass until the annoying behaviors from both partners start to surface, then it gets more difficult. She's not perfect, no one is so there will be a balance. In the meantime, enjoy the time with a woman you find really attractive without all of that negative chatter in your head.

As a guy, you should know that we tend to place a lot of attention on looks only, whereas women tend to put a lot more into the evaluation process than just that. So I understand your confusion. The simple explanation is that she probably has had many opportunities to date very attractive men and her experience turned out to be that they were all self-absorbed twits. She is maturing, tired of that, and has a broader definition of attractiveness than physical, or she never placed much importance on looks at any point and is aware of the obnoxious players who do just focus on her looks. 

This means you have a few months to pull it together before your lack of confidence starts to surface as consistent questions to her why she likes you or some version of that along with needing reassurance. That will get old fast. So how to get past this? Focus on her inner traits and the time you have together, if it continues to be compatible, that is what you want to continue and enjoy. You should become more comfortable as the relationship continues. Don't sabotage this by making a non-issue an issue.

[smackie9]

As we get older, personality and integrity is more important. Attractiveness becomes superficial. Women think differently....we think with our emotions. She feels good being with you and that's all that matters.

[Kwothe28]

Its tricky with beauty. Physical attraction is important but it means different to a lot of people. As long as you are not butt ugly and/or morbidly obese there is a good chance that you are attractive to at least someone. And some people are willing to overlook even those two. You take care of your body by going to the gym, you are over 6 feet tall(do you even know how many girl online have "dont talk to me unless you are not over 6 feet tall" in bio? A lot of them) and some girls even have a thing for bold guys. So I believe that she at least see something physically attractive there or else she wouldnt give you a chance and be with you. Besides after the initial attraction its the other things that matter more for the relationship. Maybe you have an OK job, you said you were told that you are nice etc. So you probably offer at least something of the substance to the table. So relax and dont "sabotage" yourself by thinking you offer her nothing. She wouldnt be there if she thought about you in that way. 

[sadchick83]

I would not put an excessive amount of thought into this issue since it seems she is already attracted to you.  I dated a guy who was not attractive at all for 6.5 years. He was short, bald and looked like a turtle. At least you have height.

What he lacked in attractiveness he made up for in dress and deportment. He was very well groomed.  He had a small amount of hair which he had professionally dyed every 6 weeks.  He had impeccable taste in clothing and wore very nice suits (when suits were a thing pre-covid).  His casual clothes were a bit lame, but were always ironed and well-turned out. He had very nice skin and never had any ear or nose hair. Being your best self is important.  If you are a bit insecure about your looks, go to a proper men’s salon and make sure your clothes/appearance are at their very best.

A woman who is gorgeous and puts time and effort into her appearance will appreciate a well groomed and decently dressed man.  If you are fit, accentuate your body with well fitted clothes and perhaps cool running shoes.