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In over my head - help


Mixedandconfused
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I’m a mixed white, Asian, half black male from the northern Midwest.  I am passing white for many.  My girlfriend of 9 months is white from the south.  About a month ago while driving I asked her not to play her music that used the N-word because it offended me.   Only when I asked I accidentally slipped and used the full  N-word with the ‘ er ‘ending.   She went ballistic.  And despite my repeated apologies for saying the word, and offending her, she remained pissed.   She said my use of the word was a ‘blatant display of the ignorance of that version of the word’.  

I attempted to explain that I had long ugly history of being called that exact word- fights in HS, cops in GA, denied a job at a CC because too much N-word in me, and countless other times.   It did not alter the conversation.  Last night, it came up again and she said that since our skin color was the same she doubted I was black at all.   Then I lost it, kicked her out.  The subsequent text were not any better although I did send a copy of my birth certificate because I was so pissed and offended.  

She believes she is woke on the subject of race, attends every activist rally, even got arrested at a BLM protest.  She told me this is more about colorism and that I should do more research on it.  I feel like she is being racist to me and I’m being prosecuted for one mistake which I’ve apologized for a thousand different ways – ironically while asking not to hear her music using derivatives of the very same word.   

Am I wrong, is this salvageable ? 

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57 minutes ago, Mixedandconfused said:

I am passing white for many.

Why do you do this?  Is it to try to avoid any instances of racism?  Or are you ashamed of your own racial makeup?

My kids are half Hispanic (Mexican American) and they have an Anglo Saxon last name.  They too could "pass", but they choose not to because they are proud of their heritage.  They celebrate it.

You are "pissed and offended".  So is she.  No, I don't believe this is salvageable.  But hopefully both of you learned something from this incident and how you both chose to handle it.

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It's not salvageable.  Not because of what happened with respect to the radio music.  She doesn't believe you are who you say you are and she doesn't respect your values, your background, how you feel about your background.  You don't respect or admire her views on racial matters.  I don't see why her getting arrested at a BLM protest makes any difference - she can be supportive of her causes without being arrested (or even attending a rally in person) and she can be arrested while at a rally or protest or whatever even though she's not actually supportive or supportive in the right way.  

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Mixedandconfused said:

I’m a mixed white, Asian, half black male from the northern Midwest.  I am passing white for many.  My girlfriend of 9 months is white from the south.  About a month ago while driving I asked her not to play her music that used the N-word because it offended me.   Only when I asked I accidentally slipped and used the full  N-word with the ‘ er ‘ending.   She went ballistic.  And despite my repeated apologies for saying the word, and offending her, she remained pissed.   She said my use of the word was a ‘blatant display of the ignorance of that version of the word’.  

I attempted to explain that I had long ugly history of being called that exact word- fights in HS, cops in GA, denied a job at a CC because too much N-word in me, and countless other times.   It did not alter the conversation.  Last night, it came up again and she said that since our skin color was the same she doubted I was black at all.   Then I lost it, kicked her out.  The subsequent text were not any better although I did send a copy of my birth certificate because I was so pissed and offended.  

She believes she is woke on the subject of race, attends every activist rally, even got arrested at a BLM protest.  She told me this is more about colorism and that I should do more research on it.  I feel like she is being racist to me and I’m being prosecuted for one mistake which I’ve apologized for a thousand different ways – ironically while asking not to hear her music using derivatives of the very same word.   

Am I wrong, is this salvageable ? 

You need to be accepting of your racial background. I’m sure it’s hard having gone through difficult experiences because of it but that does not mean you should withhold your identity from someone you’re close to. It’s apart of your identity, it has shaped the person you are now, so do not be ashamed— you can’t change what has happened to you. 
 
Also, you don’t have to prove anything to someone who is that ignorant. She’s coming off as colorist and it’s so vulgar. I’m mixed myself, and she reminds me of the kids that would tease me in school. She’s acting immature to say the least. 
 

You should move on from this, it’s just another lesson. Learn from it. As mentioned above from another commentator, it sounds like you are ashamed of your heritage. You need to work on that issue. Be more accepting of what’s happened to you in the past. You can’t control what others think, If she didn’t believe you— move on. You didn’t need to show anyone your birth certificate. 

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Yeah, It was like school where I got the *** kicked out of me over it because of the school I went to and yes I did and do run from it.  In this relationship after having strong feelings I was quite clear about who I am yet apparently not believed.   Message heard and I’m going to work on embracing it and maybe work with someone.   And yeah the second I sent the BC I regretted it.   I appreciate everyone’s input and there is no need for further. Thank you 

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