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I love him, but relationships make me feel depressed - what to do?


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Hi, 

to start off, in the past I have avoided relationships because I knew that I can‘t feel happy in one. 
Back then, after 2 small relationships when I was younger, I guessed that I just need to find a person who I can be myself around with.
 

Fast forward, some years have passed that I spent being single and very happy. But then I met someone who really is a good match, someone i share a lot with and who I am proud to introduce to my family. In that time I also realized I might get lonely when I’m older and by myself. 
I did fall in love with that guy, and so did he fall in love with me. 
He was previously in a relationship which he held onto out of fear to be lonely.(he was unhappy in some regards and felt emotionally rejected by his gf). 
We were honest to each other quite early because I confessed my feelings. 
Since he is the only one I could imagine a relationship with based on how well we fit and what great and understanding person he is, I dared to try start a relationship one last time. I was so sure that the feeling of relationship depression wouldn’t come up when it’s him. I was very serious about my feelings. He decided to let go of his old girlfriend, moved back to his mothers place and gave up so much that he has worked for, just for me. I supported every step, every emotional breakdown he had, because I was serious about it. I tried building up his confidence (which he did not have at all) and help him with emotional/personal problems.

 

I’m a person with very mild emotions with a quite small range. So of course, putting all of his burdens on my shoulder did start to emotionally break me over the time. In the beginning I thought I could handle it easily. But now, almost not a day goes by when I don’t wake up crying or lose sleep to crying at night. Everything that made me happy and brought me joy is now something I can’t enjoy anymore, nor do I have the energy to do these things again. 

I love him, he treats me very well and we really would fit together perfectly in the future. He does make progress with his personal problems due to my help and he really starts to be happier. 
But what worries me on one hand is that he very early (after few weeks) saw me as more important than anything else in his life. This kind of total fixation puts a lot of pressure on me, because I do not see it like that. I do not know him that long and only over time He would become more and more important to me. He would be very upset if I told him that, so I can’t even be honest with him in that regard. 
he is extremely emotional, while I am more rational and cool-headed. I thought I could bear it, but I question that more and more each day. 
 

And whatever I do, whatever he does, I can’t seem to get happy with that relationship. Every time he does something really romantic and loving, I feel nothing else than wanting to run away and end it. 
there is this huge conflict of loving him, but being extremely unhappy with the relationship. 
When we meet for a whole day, I feel utterly exhausted, depressed and distressed for days after. When we meet, it’s not that bad anymore, but I’m not feeling so lovey-Dovey as a fresh couple would. 
 

I do hope that with time this feeling passes, but if it doesn’t? 
He has given up so much and is counting on me to be together with him forever. He is someone who can’t be alone, while I do not have a problem being alone. But I love him too, and I can’t get myself to break everything I’m building up for him. He is growing emotionally and finally gets the acknowledgement he always craved in his past relationship. 
If I would break up, I would leave him in a situation almost worse than when he was with his ex. 
Then again, I don’t want to feel this deep misery anymore. I can’t keep a fake happiness on my face forever and just want to be happy again. 
 

Has anyone ever experienced something like that and how did it go?  

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1 hour ago, Aleya said:

. He decided to let go of his old girlfriend, moved back to his mothers place and gave up so much that he has worked for, just for me. 

Sorry this is happening. Was he living with the GF when you met?

His life is in too much transition at this time. It's a red flag that he coasts along in relationships and now lives with his mother.

It sounds like he's on the rebound, but more importantly he seems to be suffocating you with his issues and moods.

Step back from this. His neediness is creating resentment.

He needs a therapist, not a new relationship.

As far as your own mental health, protect it. Perhaps see a physician for an evaluation and get a referral to a qualified therapist to sort out some relationship stuff.

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5 hours ago, Aleya said:

In that time I also realized I might get lonely when I’m older and by myself. 

Sounds like you pushed yourself in the relationship. While fully knowing that you arent for one. In a situations like that, no wonder that him being romantic makes you uneasy, even depressed. Dont get me wrong, I think him putting a lot of pressure on you doesnt help. Just that I think you are not cut out to be in one. Some people are just like that, feel better alone and other people just mess up their natural order of things. So if you want relationship, you need a lot of work on yourself.

Also, I dont think it would get better in time with this guy. You cant handle his neediness and it would only become worst as the time passes.

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You really chose a misfit for the relationship. You didn't have to push him to do all these things and mother him. Also, he was with someone and that's a huge huge red flag>>> He was cheating with you!! And aside from that, that also means that he had emotional baggage to deal with AS A SINGLE MAN.

He's not for you darling. I'm so sorry. You're blaming yourself so much, when in here it's not really you- it's the relationship/him.

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Step back from this. His neediness is creating resentment.

He needs a therapist, not a new relationship.

As far as your own mental health, protect it. Perhaps see a physician for an evaluation and get a referral to a qualified therapist to sort out some relationship stuff

I agree. Time to reflect and let go. You don't need to live like this. Also, a therapist would help you with the gear of relationship and to understand where it's coming from (parents, childhood, bad experiences...)

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I think you suffer from choosing the wrong people to be around not relationship depression.  Of course it may be that you are a person who is happier being on her own.  That's totally valid and could be wonderful for you! Please stop the nonsense of "being alone when I am old" -there are many ways to interact with other people.  My mom has been on her own for five years since our dad died.  She was married for 62 years. 

My sister and I love her to pieces and we live hundreds of miles away from her now.  Why is she not alone or lonely?  Because she became active in her community's senior citizen groups and stayed with it during covid, mostly virtual and some outdoor safe activities.  She's lived there since the mid 60s. I grew up there.  Apartment.  Not at all fancy.  But she's made a life for herself and she is not lonely at all -and yes she has us - we talk to her almost daily - and grandkids and great grandkids but on a daily basis it's really her friends -mostly women-she sees and shares the details and laughs of daily life with.  She makes people laugh.  She is one example of many so it's silly to force yourself into a relationship like it's some sort of vitamin or medicine you have to take to be healthful.

Second it's not "honest" to "confess your feelings" - it's choosing to share that information.  Or overshare in certain cases. Of course don't lie but if someone asks you how you feel and you're not ready to get too personal you don't lie- you say "I'm not yet comfortable sharing that with you" - Ironically you weren't honest at all with yourself.  You took on a project instead of a person for a relationship.   Someone with lots of personal issues you somehow felt you had to solve for him.  That's a therapist-patient or parental-child relationship.  Not a healthful romantic one. 

And it lets you keep a distance - you can be the one who has the power to help instead of a reciprocal support each other in a healthful interaction.

Are you sure you actually love him?  Because you're not acting loving toward yourself -you're twisting yourself in a pretzel in the name of being part of a couple.  So how from that vantage point can you show positive energy, caring, love when you're miserable?  It's not a conflict of "I love him but I hate being in a relationship" it's "I forced myself to be with Mr. Right on Paper and I'm going through the motions".

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12 hours ago, Aleya said:

I supported every step, every emotional breakdown he had, because I was serious about it. I tried building up his confidence (which he did not have at all) and help him with emotional/personal problems.

Being someone else's emotional crutch is too much for anyone to take on, so I wouldn't assign this problem to some emotional deficiency in you.

That's a life sentence to carry around, and it sets you up to believe that you can't function in ANY relationship.

You might love the guy, but you picked a bad match. NObody can carry an unhealthy person's emotional weight and turn out happy for the wear and tear.

I'd tell BF that I'm miserable with all of his misery, and I want out while we still think highly of one another. If he ever works out his own problems, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, best wishes.

I'd ride off into the sunset to be happy gain.

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15 hours ago, Aleya said:

Hi, 

to start off, in the past I have avoided relationships because I knew that I can‘t feel happy in one. 
Back then, after 2 small relationships when I was younger, I guessed that I just need to find a person who I can be myself around with.
 

Fast forward, some years have passed that I spent being single and very happy. But then I met someone who really is a good match, someone i share a lot with and who I am proud to introduce to my family. In that time I also realized I might get lonely when I’m older and by myself. 
I did fall in love with that guy, and so did he fall in love with me. 
He was previously in a relationship which he held onto out of fear to be lonely.(he was unhappy in some regards and felt emotionally rejected by his gf). 
We were honest to each other quite early because I confessed my feelings. 
Since he is the only one I could imagine a relationship with based on how well we fit and what great and understanding person he is, I dared to try start a relationship one last time. I was so sure that the feeling of relationship depression wouldn’t come up when it’s him. I was very serious about my feelings. He decided to let go of his old girlfriend, moved back to his mothers place and gave up so much that he has worked for, just for me. I supported every step, every emotional breakdown he had, because I was serious about it. I tried building up his confidence (which he did not have at all) and help him with emotional/personal problems.

 

I’m a person with very mild emotions with a quite small range. So of course, putting all of his burdens on my shoulder did start to emotionally break me over the time. In the beginning I thought I could handle it easily. But now, almost not a day goes by when I don’t wake up crying or lose sleep to crying at night. Everything that made me happy and brought me joy is now something I can’t enjoy anymore, nor do I have the energy to do these things again. 

I love him, he treats me very well and we really would fit together perfectly in the future. He does make progress with his personal problems due to my help and he really starts to be happier. 
But what worries me on one hand is that he very early (after few weeks) saw me as more important than anything else in his life. This kind of total fixation puts a lot of pressure on me, because I do not see it like that. I do not know him that long and only over time He would become more and more important to me. He would be very upset if I told him that, so I can’t even be honest with him in that regard. 
he is extremely emotional, while I am more rational and cool-headed. I thought I could bear it, but I question that more and more each day. 
 

And whatever I do, whatever he does, I can’t seem to get happy with that relationship. Every time he does something really romantic and loving, I feel nothing else than wanting to run away and end it. 
there is this huge conflict of loving him, but being extremely unhappy with the relationship. 
When we meet for a whole day, I feel utterly exhausted, depressed and distressed for days after. When we meet, it’s not that bad anymore, but I’m not feeling so lovey-Dovey as a fresh couple would. 
 

I do hope that with time this feeling passes, but if it doesn’t? 
He has given up so much and is counting on me to be together with him forever. He is someone who can’t be alone, while I do not have a problem being alone. But I love him too, and I can’t get myself to break everything I’m building up for him. He is growing emotionally and finally gets the acknowledgement he always craved in his past relationship. 
If I would break up, I would leave him in a situation almost worse than when he was with his ex. 
Then again, I don’t want to feel this deep misery anymore. I can’t keep a fake happiness on my face forever and just want to be happy again. 
 

Has anyone ever experienced something like that and how did it go?  

I don’t think this situation is worse than his last. You have set him free, he can learn to be emotionally independent once you break things off. You’ve already helped him. But you can’t do everything for this person, he’s draining your already very low social and emotional battery. 
 

You need to find people who you relate to more. Someone who is independent, as you are. 
 

For example, my grandparents are very different. They are married and in their late 70s. I don’t think they have anything in common. They are complete opposites. They live separately. My grandmother is unorganized and all over the place. My grandfather is calm, organized, enjoys being alone most of the time. They communicate often and hangout but cannot coexist completely. 
 

They are more like friends who help each other occasionally. You and this man remind me of them, but why would you put yourself in such a place when you can find someone who you have more in common with?
 

Don’t rush into something because you are worried you’ll be alone. I repeat, do not. Look at where it got you. I believe you two could’ve remained friends rather than move it to a relationship. 

Maybe the contrast between the two of you excited you at first. Being around someone who had strong emotions might’ve fed you emotionally, maybe intrigued you. But now it’s overpowering? 

Take time and consider how you might tell him this. It isn’t fair that you don’t feel comfortable sharing how you feel. It’s a complete red flag if he won’t accept your feelings. 

Let us know what you choose to do. 

 

 

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  • 3 months later...

You don't love him, and that's okay!  You like him, and you care about his wellbeing very deeply, but it's not love.

When we love someone, we might fantasize about running off for a little while, but imagining life without the totally would be a terrifying thought.

The post says he can't live alone, but he has his mother.  And he probably has other supports. I'd wager that someone whose life depends on his dating situation probably doesn't love his girlfriends either, necessarily.  He may be drawn to women more for his emotional survival than to admire who they are and to a desire to be their rock for life (<-that's love). 

But it sounds like you're seriously considering giving up on the joy this world has to offer to become an emotional feeding tube for someone (who, from what I can tell) isn't do anything to fight for his own happiness--or yours--other than depending on his Mom and girlfriends.

People with depression, anxiety, OCD, whatever--we have to fight for our right to party.  We have to fight harder than most.  It's not fair.  And yeah, he need a support network.  Everyone does. But people who completely outsource their will to live to other people are not bein kind to those people. I wonder....is he in counseling, considering meds, exercising, helping his mom, trying to find his purpose by volunteering to help his family or the world at large?  Is he doing anything other than latching on to nurturing women.  If he's not, that could help explain his failure to thrive.  And it's evidence he doesn't care so much about your happiness, especially if he knows you're miserable.

Think about that before summer rolls around and you have the chance to get out and live <3.  

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