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My (26 f) ex boyfriend (28 m) is upset that I hooked up with someone after we broke up.


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I (26 f) dated my ex boyfriend (28 m) for almost four years and we broke up in August of this year. There were a lot of reasons for our breakup but mainly I came to feel that our goals in life were incompatible. We had been drifting apart for the last six months or so of our relationship and it hurt but I seemed helpless to stop it.

Finally we had a real heart to heart and we agreed we should go our separate ways for both our good. He suggested a break so we could “clear our minds” (his words, not mine). Then after the break we could decide if we wanted to give it another try. By this time I was pretty much emotionally drained and just wanted it to be over and I told him so. I don’t believe in breaks anyway. I told him that I get like our relationship had run it’s course, that I had no hard feelings and I hoped we could maybe be friends some day.

Then we went no contact after that which was also my idea. He wanted to check in with each other once a week but I felt like it would be too tempting to slip back into a relationship that I knew was damaged beyond repair.

So for the entire month of August I worked, jogged, read books and hung out with my dog. A couple of my friends finally convinced me on Labor Day weekend that I needed to come out for my friend Angela’s birthday. They were just going out for drinks so I decided why not? I wasn’t going to mope around my apartment for the rest of my life.

I went out with them that Saturday night and we were having a good time. A little later in the night Angela’s brother Henry showed up at the bar to wish her a happy birthday. I should probably give a little background on me and him.

I’ve been friends with Angela since high school and know Henry just as long. Back then Angela used to tell me I should date her brother but we never did. We we’re always friendly and I thought he was cute but we always seemed to be dating other people. When he graduated high school he joined the navy and I didn’t see him again until the night of Angela’s birthday.

Well Henry looked good, really good! He had grown a beard and had his arms tattooed and shaved his head. I instantly felt attracted to him. When he said hi to me I told him I thought his beard was really sexy. His seemed really surprised by this and gave me the sweetest smile.

We ended up talking most of the night. I know people noticed how much attention we were paying to each other but I didn’t care. I was totally enamored with him. He was interesting and sexy and funny and even a little shy. He was everything my ex wasn’t. He seemed like he had his stuff together, he was legitimately interested when we talked about my job. I was able to actually have an adult conversation about adult things like work, and having goals in life other than playing video games and smoking weed.

At the end of the night as he was leaving I walked out to his truck with him and we shared a kiss. That turned into a longer kiss. That turned into us going to his place and hooking up. I ended up spending the night. 

When he took me home the next morning he said he’d like us to be more than a hookup and asked if he could see me again. He said he’d like to take me out for dinner some night. I told him I was only one month out of a four year relationship and I’d like to get to know him too but I was still processing my break up. We agreed to stay in touch. I told him I didn’t know how long it would take me to be ready to date again and said I wasn’t holding him to waiting on me. I feel like if we’re meant to be together later down the road it’ll happen.

Well someone who was at the party must have blabbed to my ex because literally the next day he called me digging for info. I told him we weren’t together anymore and what I did was none of his business anymore. He was literally almost yelling in the phone. Asking me how I could do this to him and how I could act like such a w**re.

That hurt because he knows that besides him I have been with a lot of guys. All of them were guysI was in relationships with. Henry is literally the only guy I’ve ever had a one night stand with and I’ve known him for at least ten years! He wasn’t some random guy I just met that night.

I hung up on him and blocked his number on my phone. I already had blocked him on social media because of our no contact. I am so angry right now I could scream. My ex knows that I haven’t been with a lot of guys and he called me that name anyway. It hurts even though it’s not true. Thanks for reading this as I needed to vent it somewhere.

 

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I know it is hard but ignore him. He is not in your life anymore. Good for you for standing your ground. 
 

Just take this new budding situation slowly as you said you are still processing the relationship you just left. 
 

Thank you! I intend to completely ignore him. He insulted me for no reason. I thought we had parted on good terms and was silly enough to think we my even become friends someday.

As for my situation with Henry I intend to take it slowly. He’s been understanding of my situation and hasn’t pushed at all.  We’ve talked a couple times and they’ve been really good conversations. Someday soon I’m going to ask him out for coffee or lunch. His sister and I talked about him and she expressed her hopes that someday he and I can get together. For right now I’m enjoying getting to know him.

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3 hours ago, Latina_Metal_Chick said:

 and having goals in life other than playing video games and smoking weed.

.Asking me how I could do this to him and how I could act like such a w**re.

Whoa. You made the right call ending it and telling him your life is no longer any of his business.

Enjoy your freedom. Consider deleting and blocking this ex and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Good you terminated the call.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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This looks like you just needed to vent and get some validation that you did the right thing.

Yes you did the right thing and what ever you do is your business, not your ex's.

I know this seems like a bad thing right this second but try and look at it  from a positive side.

You wanted it over with your ex with no check ins or talks to see if things could get worked out.  Well he was bound to keep hanging around hoping you would miss him but now he can accept that it is truly over.  So in a way this one night stand did a few things.  Got your ex out of your life, showed that you have your head on straight and didn't jump into something to soon and most of all that breaking up was the right thing to do.

  Be safe and on guard until you know for sure the ex has given up.

Best wishes on your healing and getting back to the person you kind of lost while in the relationship with the wrong guy.

Lost

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You don't owe your ex any justification or explanation, OP. 

And good for you for telling him so. He's hurt because he quite obviously didn't want to break up and was harbouring hope you would come back to him - so he lashed out. It doesn't make it right and he's being a jerk about it, but I highly doubt he actually thinks you are some floozie. He's trying to hit you where it hurts, so ignore it. 

Keep moving on. You're doing well. 

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You owe him nothing. Zero. Nada.

Great job.

I hope you do give yourself time before dating/exploring the other guy. At least 3 more months. He is everything that your ex isn't- but you don't know if he has what you want/need in a partner. Usually, a rebound after a break up involves exactly someone who is not like your ex.

Otherwise, have fun!

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10 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You owe him nothing. Zero. Nada.

Great job.

I hope you do give yourself time before dating/exploring the other guy. At least 3 more months. He is everything that your ex isn't- but you don't know if he has what you want/need in a partner. Usually, a rebound after a break up involves exactly someone who is not like your ex.

Otherwise, have fun!

Your thoughts about my situation with Henry are exactly the same as mine. I can see that he has so many of the qualities that I used to wish my ex had. Hard working, mature, and he seems to have his stuff together. I think he’s a great guy.  It I owe it to myself to be sure that I’m not just rebounding here. I also feel like I owe it to him to be sure I’m ready for a relationship before we get too involved.

It’s been a month since we hooked up and we do talk a couple times a week on the phone and we text each other. None of our conversations have centered around us dating or hooking up again. We talk about our jobs or how our day is going.
 

Even though at the beginning he made it clear to me he’d like to date me, I feel like he’s respecting my wishes by not pushing me on this and I appreciate that. It’s one of the things that have me thinking he might be someone I’d like to date in the future.

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4 hours ago, Latina_Metal_Chick said:

I feel like he’s respecting my wishes by not pushing me on this and I appreciate that. It’s one of the things that have me thinking he might be someone I’d like to date in the future.

It's good to hear you speaking in terms of a focus on the future instead of dwelling on what's in your rear view mirror.

You were honest and clear with your ex about not wanting a break, but rather a break up. Sure, it's true that lots of breakups are amicable--until somebody gets hurt. That's typically the dumpee learning that the dumper was serious.

Unfortunately, this can also be a dangerous time for women. Exes sometime stalk, especially when they hear of another potential person on the scene. So please take Lost's advice and watch out for yourself as you move forward.

Head high. We'd all love an 'easy' breakup without hurting someone, but few of us ever get that outcome.

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I'm confused -you were ready to talk with and then spend all night with someone and hook up but you cannot date him because you're still processing the break up?  Of course your ex was totally out of line.  But I would try to stop all the processing and start going on dates with this new guy -proper dates in public where you are both sober or at least not drunk.  That way if you then feel like it's rebounding to date him (even though it wasn't to hook up) you can put the brakes on while you're not too intense/serious.

If he's a good guy my sense is even if he likes you a lot he'll tire of waiting for you to process enough so that you can be ready to go on dates with him even though you were ready to hook up with him - obviously he sees you as someone special but he also is a person who is comfortable having casual sex so if he meets someone else at a party he may click with them and figure if that woman is ready to date he probably should take that opportunity.  Just being a realist.  I'm sorry your ex acted like such a jerk.

Edited by Batya33
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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm confused -you were ready to talk with and then spend all night with someone and hook up but you cannot date him because you're still processing the break up?  Of course your ex was totally out of line.  But I would try to stop all the processing and start going on dates with this new guy -proper dates in public where you are both sober or at least not drunk.  That way if you then feel like it's rebounding to date him (even though it wasn't to hook up) you can put the brakes on while you're not too intense/serious.

If he's a good guy my sense is even if he likes you a lot he'll tire of waiting for you to process enough so that you can be ready to go on dates with him even though you were ready to hook up with him - obviously he sees you as someone special but he also is a person who is comfortable having casual sex so if he meets someone else at a party he may click with them and figure if that woman is ready to date he probably should take that opportunity.  Just being a realist.  I'm sorry your ex acted like such a jerk.

Yes we hooked up but I didn’t think it was going to lead to anything. He surprised me when he said he wanted more. I guess I figured at least I could have one good night with this hot guy now it’s more complicated than I thought it would be. Anyway we’re going to go watch a football game together tomorrow at a friends house. I’m excited to see him again.

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12 hours ago, Latina_Metal_Chick said:

Yes we hooked up but I didn’t think it was going to lead to anything. He surprised me when he said he wanted more. I guess I figured at least I could have one good night with this hot guy now it’s more complicated than I thought it would be. Anyway we’re going to go watch a football game together tomorrow at a friends house. I’m excited to see him again.

OK so you were ready to have casual sex (because less risk of leading someone on if you're on the rebound ) but you're not ready to properly date him.  I'm glad you're going to spend time with him. 

Make sure you are ok with the chance that he's going to hook up with someone else while you're considering whether you're ready to properly date him since he is comfortable having casual sex and is a hot guy who apparently enjoys it.  If he does he may of course want to date you seriously but he shouldn't feel he has to wait around for you and forego opportunities to date others or hook up. 

It's really not complicated.  Either you want to date him or you don't.  I understand you recently left a serious relationship.  I understand the wisdom of "be careful not to rebound".  If you do date him you can date him and wait to have sex again until you two see serious potential.  That might give you more of a comfort level of not moving too fast with him.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

OK so you were ready to have casual sex (because less risk of leading someone on if you're on the rebound ) but you're not ready to properly date him.  I'm glad you're going to spend time with him. 

Make sure you are ok with the chance that he's going to hook up with someone else while you're considering whether you're ready to properly date him since he is comfortable having casual sex and is a hot guy who apparently enjoys it.  If he does he may of course want to date you seriously but he shouldn't feel he has to wait around for you and forego opportunities to date others or hook up. 

It's really not complicated.  Either you want to date him or you don't.  I understand you recently left a serious relationship.  I understand the wisdom of "be careful not to rebound".  If you do date him you can date him and wait to have sex again until you two see serious potential.  That might give you more of a comfort level of not moving too fast with him.

I think you’re probably right. I was texting him late last night and I was so tempted to just ask him to come over. I think I need to just tell him that, yes, I do want to date him. Of course we can take things slowly if I feel the need to. I’ll talk to him today when he comes to pick me up for the football game. 

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