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I want to get back with my bisexual GF after 15 years!


Tommysubie
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3 hours ago, Tommysubie said:

Although I agree with you of how “irrelevant” it is due to her being bisexual… however, apparently this my not the case. 1. There are spectrums of homosexuality, and heterosexuality. 2. Even though we’ve had a romantic history, we we’re 16 years old. She hadn’t explored her sexuality. She dated a few guys after me, and it was only women after that. It’s been 10 years since she’s been with a man. Let alone the only man that she’s ever loved. 
she has been to herself lately, and afraid to date anyone. She’s been working on herself, and she is very protective of what she has built. She’s been through a lot, and doesn’t want to let someone in to disrupt that. Man, or woman.

Many people are into exploring their sexuality and now I understand that the relevance of her sexual orientation is that she is using it to justify wanting to explore her sexuality by having more than one partner, perhaps of different genders. 

I just wasn't sure why you included this in the title (felt like you were trying to get people to click on your post by including the label) because it seems to me the main issue is not her sexual orientation but that she's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you -whether her reason is exploring sexuality, pairing all her unpaired socks or reading up on the ranges of sexuality -it really doesn't matter. 

As far as spectrums  - also has no bearing here because you say she is telling you she is bisexual.  So all that matters is her perspective on her sexuality. Meaning if you tell yourself that it's not that she doesn't want to be with you but because of this abstract concept of ranges of sexuality she's needing to explore rather than be with you -that's just a fancy way of saying she doesn't want to be with you badly enough. 

People choose being with one person over exploring sexuality or different partners all the time.  People choose to explore their sexuality with one partner their whole life and they are happy as can be -exploring doesn't need to mean multiple partners -or even any partner at times.

Common sense -people in general move towards pleasure and away from pain.  Right now her choice that pleases her is to have sex with different people as opposed to pursuing a potentially serious relationship with you.  Just accept that that is her choice, whatever the reason.  I'm sorry if that disappoints you.  

Edited to add -I know it's cute and a turn on to you that she acts like a little girl when she's with you.  I promise you it won't be if you start a family with her.  That requires a lot of adulting and yes -acting like a little girl as far as having fun with your child and being silly - but in general it's about being an adult, about taking a leadership role, about stepping up to the plate - "little girls" typically don't do that not in the way you're referring to the label.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Many people are into exploring their sexuality and now I understand that the relevance of her sexual orientation is that she is using it to justify wanting to explore her sexuality by having more than one partner, perhaps of different genders. 

I just wasn't sure why you included this in the title (felt like you were trying to get people to click on your post by including the label) because it seems to me the main issue is not her sexual orientation but that she's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you -whether her reason is exploring sexuality, pairing all her unpaired socks or reading up on the ranges of sexuality -it really doesn't matter. 

As far as spectrums  - also has no bearing here because you say she is telling you she is bisexual.  So all that matters is her perspective on her sexuality. Meaning if you tell yourself that it's not that she doesn't want to be with you but because of this abstract concept of ranges of sexuality she's needing to explore rather than be with you -that's just a fancy way of saying she doesn't want to be with you badly enough. 

People choose being with one person over exploring sexuality or different partners all the time.  People choose to explore their sexuality with one partner their whole life and they are happy as can be -exploring doesn't need to mean multiple partners -or even any partner at times.

Common sense -people in general move towards pleasure and away from pain.  Right now her choice that pleases her is to have sex with different people as opposed to pursuing a potentially serious relationship with you.  Just accept that that is her choice, whatever the reason.  I'm sorry if that disappoints you.  

Edited to add -I know it's cute and a turn on to you that she acts like a little girl when she's with you.  I promise you it won't be if you start a family with her.  That requires a lot of adulting and yes -acting like a little girl as far as having fun with your child and being silly - but in general it's about being an adult, about taking a leadership role, about stepping up to the plate - "little girls" typically don't do that not in the way you're referring to the label.

You have great insight on sexuality. However I feel as though some of what your answers I feel are based upon little background information. Which isn’t your fault. She told me the battle in her head. It’s a “ I thought I was gay” feeling. Again, she hasn’t been with a man in over a decade, and as she put it, “ and here I come along, the one man I would be with”. She seriously is having issues with identifying with her sexuality, and I feel as though me re entering her life after she is finally starting to figure it out, is causing conflict with who she believes she is. These were her words. As far as her acting like I child, I didn’t mean literally. I meant that she vibrates that feeling when you are really into someone. I’ve dated a lot of women. Believe it or not, I’m studying to become a relationship therapist. I want to help people because I wish I had more resources on the topic, and if I did, I wouldn’t have made this post. But I say all that to say, I know dating psychology, and I know women pretty well, and I have never, ever, ever, seen a woman look at me the way she does. It’s like a girl crushing on you x100.  I believe I’m considered an attractive man, so I am used to women acting gitty, or shy. This is completely different. If any man let’s go of a woman that adores you that much, he is a fool. And so I was…

what I’m trying to say, is that isn’t an ordinary ex bf/gf situation. I know she loves me. I’m not delusional. If it was, I’d know how to handle it. Believe me. But she’s not just anyone to me. I’m not just anyone to her either. Yet here we are. Her and I’s last positive conversation, she was talking about keeping her “MY” ovaries healthy, and that if we had children, they would basically be royalty. So if a woman isn’t interested in a man, why in 2021 especially talk like that, if they weren’t thinking it? It’s not a matter of if she’s interested in me. She’s told me that she is. But her actions, and some of her language displays to me, fear, confusion, anxiety, and panic. She is high with me, and then gets scared and jumps off. These are the vibes I’m getting from her. 

Edited by Tommysubie
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This is what she texted me today: I’m not upset with you I just need time to process… my life feels chaotic right now and It’s alot going on… over the years I’ve become less of a sharer. Don’t take offense I have to go inward before I can look outward.

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6 minutes ago, Tommysubie said:

This is what she texted me today: I’m not upset with you I just need time to process… my life feels chaotic right now and It’s alot going on… over the years I’ve become less of a sharer. Don’t take offense I have to go inward before I can look outward.

All that is a word salad that means "no".

So now you know. You are free to move on and date women in your area who actually do want to date you. 

And that doesn't mean you can't care about one another. It just means you two will not be in a dating relationship.

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

All that is a word salad that means "no".

So now you know. You are free to move on and date women in your area who actually do want to date you. 

And that doesn't mean you can't care about one another. It just means you two will not be in a dating relationship.

Yes.  That is what my focus was in my response to you above.  Not about her sexuality.  She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and she might enjoy flirting with you, chatting with you, she might find you attractive.  But she doesn't want to be with you, or at least enough to be with you (which is the same thing).

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On 10/7/2021 at 7:18 PM, Tommysubie said:

it wasn’t completely biological. 

Saying this to someone who's LGBTQ+ is pretty beyond insulting. It's implying they have a choice and can change their mind like the wind.  

I also find that you want to start a family with her, but haven't dated her in 15 years is a bit odd.  How do you know if you even love who she is now?  Or if she loves who you've become.  

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4 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Saying this to someone who's LGBTQ+ is pretty beyond insulting. It's implying they have a choice and can change their mind like the wind.  

I also find that you want to start a family with her, but haven't dated her in 15 years is a bit odd.  How do you know if you even love who she is now?  Or if she loves who you've become.  

I apologize if you were offended by my statement. My motive wasn’t to judge a person’s sexuality, but to point out that not everything is in black and white. Her and I have had an intimate relationship in the past, and we are still sexually attracted to each other. However, she has placed a standard for herself over the years to only date women. Her argument is, she is supposed to only be attracted to women, because that is the reality she has placed upon herself. My argument, is that if you are sexually attracted to me(a man), then her argument is invalid. This is because, if you are attracted to someone, you could be with them, if the other party is willing to reciprocate. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say, because I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone or make them feel judged by the way they were born. My brother is trans, and I love and support him greatly. 
 

Now to answer the second part: 

I can’t speak for her, because this is a path of self realization. However, I have never stopped loving her. She was my lover and best friend. As she has looked for me in other people, so have I. People never change who they really are. She has told me, that because she couldn’t find me in other men, this led her to her decision to date women. That “ new me” thing is a lie. There are layers of time and experience that is what is added to your personality, but the person is still the same person. We built  such a foundation that, even in a generation of instant gratification, we would be able to work out the small things that most people end relationships over in the first 4 months. She has already told me a lot of who she’s become. She’s still her, just with a new wardrobe. 

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1 hour ago, Tommysubie said:

can’t speak for her, because this is a path of self realization.

Or it could just be her wanting to have sex with multiple people.  You're making all sorts of assumptions about someone you haven't spent time with in person in many years.  But assume she doesn't want to be with you in a relationship.  Take her word for it and try not to overthink as to why.  Not everyone is our match as one of our main posters here likes to say -and she is correct.  She may have been a good match many years ago.  Now she is not.

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Or it could just be her wanting to have sex with multiple people.  You're making all sorts of assumptions about someone you haven't spent time with in person in many years.  But assume she doesn't want to be with you in a relationship.  Take her word for it and try not to overthink as to why.  Not everyone is our match as one of our main posters here likes to say -and she is correct.  She may have been a good match many years ago.  Now she is not.

She told me she hasn’t been with anyone in a year. She’s been focusing on herself, and achieving her goals. She has grown a custom to a solitary lifestyle, because she is reaping the benefits of it. Now, I’m disrupting her harmony, and so is her brother. I’m not assuming anything. I’m taking it for face value, because those were her words. 

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11 hours ago, Tommysubie said:

She told me she hasn’t been with anyone in a year. She’s been focusing on herself, and achieving her goals. She has grown a custom to a solitary lifestyle, because she is reaping the benefits of it. Now, I’m disrupting her harmony, and so is her brother. I’m not assuming anything. I’m taking it for face value, because those were her words. 

Words are words. What are her specific goals?  What specific work has she done in herself and why does this work mean she can’t date? I work on myself daily sometimes hourly. And I’m married and a parent.
There’s no harmony here. It’s as abstract as “work on myself”.  
You have no idea about her brother. Have you spoken with him in person or you’re just taking her abstractions at face value ?
Solitary meaning she lives like a hermit ? What “benefits ?” Someone who interacts with a sibling or friends isn’t living a solitary lifestyle.   I don’t think you need to ask her any of this because it’s irrelevant. She doesn’t want to be with you. If she did then yes you might want to evaluate her actions. Watch the feet not the lips.

But in general I’d stop draping  myself with fancy psycho speak or accepting it at face value from others and look at actions. I recommend since you say you want to be a relationship expert to listen to Esther Perel podcast.  She gets to the nitty gritty and doesn’t let couples get caught up in abstract fancy verbiage as a way to avoid common sense reality. 

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