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I want to get back with my bisexual GF after 15 years!


Tommysubie
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Hello everyone,

I’ve recently reconnected with my ex girlfriend after 15 years. I broke up with her when I was 17, because it was really hard to see her due to her overbearing father.  I really want to be with her and start a family. She still looks at me differently than any other woman on earth. She turns into a little girl when we are together. I can truly tell she loves me, but she won’t admit it or deny it. and I believe that it’s because she hasn’t been with a man in 10 years. She told me today that me asking her to be with me was adding a lot of pressure in her life, and that I don’t know her anymore because she has changed. I told her that the pressure was because she has to step out of her comfort zone in order to be with me, and it wasn’t completely biological.  All she said was “ Wow” after that, and stopped texting. I know it’s a lot of stress when dealing with her identity, but I believe that there should be more relief that we’ve reconnected, than pressure. I would give anything to be with her, even after all these years. I’m just not sure what to do…

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20 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Nobody is the same person they were 15 yrs ago, even you, and her for sure.  We all grow up and change.  You are living in the past.

She's made herself clear and you need to understand that and back off.

I’m sorry, I accidentally left out the part where I asked her if she wanted me to back off, and she said no, anything but that. 🤦🏽‍♂️ this is why I’m so confused.

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3 hours ago, Tommysubie said:

I was adding a lot of pressure in her life, and that I don’t know her anymore because she has changed. I told her that the pressure was because she has to step out of her comfort zone in order to be with me, and it wasn’t completely biological.  All she said was “ Wow” after that, and stopped texting. I know it’s a lot of stress when dealing with her identity

You telling her how she feels and her responding with "wow" then going dark on you seems like a blow off to me.

I don't know the entire context here but it's possible you came across a little arrogant and she's not interested.

 

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My read on this is that she thinks of you as a familiar person from the past hence the reason she might not have told you off right away or declined meeting with you if she's met with you. Her not wanting to speak with you again is her very clearly telling you she's not interested romantically so it's best to leave her alone and take a hint. Try not to build up a fantasy world of ideas about her. 

What are you suggesting about stepping out of her comfort zone? Is that you trying to convince her to date you or date men in general or go against her family's wishes? 

Why reach so far back in the first place? Are you recently out of a relationship or separated/divorced?

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Telling her what she feels and why and what she should do is overbearing.  Your beliefs of what there "should be" are just that.  Your beliefs.  She has told you what the problem is i.e.  asking her to be with you was adding a lot of pressure in her life, and she has changed i.e. she is not the person you remember.  Imo, what you are feeling is coming from your yearning to go back to a period in your life where things were simpler and happier because you are unhappy with your present.  That girl you miss doesn't exist any longer as you remember her.  She told you that much.  When people tell you who they are, you should believe them.  

 

Imo, you should respect her feelings and stop pressuring her regarding getting together romantically.  To me it sounds like she doesn't want you to back off from being her friend but she is not interested in getting with you romantically.  In fact, if she hasn't been with a man in 10 years (which is most of her adult life) chances are that sexually she prefers men to women.  Both of you are probably missing that period in your life that you remember as less complicated and happier but you are no longer the same innocent adolescents that you remember.  She HAS changed and so have you.  Imo, you need to respect what she told you and stop pressuring her into forming a romantic relationship that she is not comfortable with.     

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37 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

My read on this is that she thinks of you as a familiar person from the past hence the reason she might not have told you off right away or declined meeting with you if she's met with you. Her not wanting to speak with you again is her very clearly telling you she's not interested romantically so it's best to leave her alone and take a hint. Try not to build up a fantasy world of ideas about her. 

What are you suggesting about stepping out of her comfort zone? Is that you trying to convince her to date you or date men in general or go against her family's wishes? 

Why reach so far back in the first place? Are you recently out of a relationship or separated/divorced?

Sorry everyone I should have more details. Okay… I never met my mother.  I recently found her, but she was in a coma, and in life support. My ex and I reconnected right before this happened, and she was with me throughout the whole process. Her brother recently moved in, and is giving her problems because he is depressed. She’s been shutting down because of this. I’ve been back and fourth with her about it, and even asked her if she needed space. She said absolutely not.a few days later, it was the same thing, so I stopped reach out for a few days. I reached out after the 3rd day, and she said that she was starting to feel as if I was running away from her. I explained that I felt I had to give her space, in order for her to decompress and figure things out. Last night we had a great FaceTime call. I swear I’m not making this a dream in my own head, but we are very affectionate towards each other, as if we were still teenagers. Today I brought up possibly getting a transfer to her city, and that’s when she said that it’s a lot of pressure for her because she is different than she was before. I asked in what regards, and she said that she also likes women.  I can understand that that is a total lifestyle change than what’s she is used to, but she is physically attracted to me, and we have the best chemistry. I feel after writing this, that she would have to find the same amount of courage to be with me, as it took to be with a woman in the first place. Anyway… I know it’s not a lack of wanting to be with me.(I’ve been there plenty of times before) I was this girls king, and she still looks at me like that. I firmly feel like it’s something else wrong here.

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1 hour ago, Tommysubie said:

. Today I brought up possibly getting a transfer to her city, and that’s when she said that it’s a lot of pressure for her because she is different than she was before. I asked in what regards, and she said that she also likes women.  

Are you long distance? When was the last time you saw each other?

It seems like she views you as a good friend, but is trying to tell you she only has relationships with women.

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1 hour ago, Tommysubie said:

Today I brought up possibly getting a transfer to her city, and that’s when she said that it’s a lot of pressure for her because she is different than she was before. I asked in what regards, and she said that she also likes women.  I can understand that that is a total lifestyle change than what’s she is used to, but she is physically attracted to me, and we have the best chemistry.

She keeps declining you. Told you she's into women (probably on purpose).

Just because she's okay being around you as a friend, even if you "perceive" there is chemistry, doesn't mean she wants you romantically.

If your emotions are blurring your view so much, back off. And please, distance yourself and stop telling her what you think she's feeling/she should do. She's right: "wow". That screams you are self-absorbed arrogant in that area. You only want to see her the way you want to, but she's no longer the same, man.

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I dont know if she wants to be with you. She wants you close, that is for sure. But if she wants to trully be with you, she wouldnt be hesitating that much. Maybe she doesnt have anybody now, maybe she doesnt even need anybody at the moment but its convinient to her to have at least somebody to give her nice words every now and then, but she doesnt want to be with you. And that is your que to back off. Relationships shouldnt be that complicated. And you cant be orbiting around her until she decides its the right time to take you back. What if it never happens? Are you willing to lost that time just to uplift somebody who will never take you back? Dont do that to yourself, as soon as it becomes that complicated, just back off and move on. 

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It sounds like she might be attracted to you and enjoy chatting with you on line.  That doesn't mean she wants to date you much less be in a potentially serious relationship with you.  With all you shared I'd back off (and yes timing has to be right too and I know of many couples who met during what was a really challenging time with lots of obstacles but they wanted to be together.  So they were.  Simple as that.

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There are some changes in her living situation and circumstances. What do you mean her brother moved in? Does she still live with family/her parents? Or is she supporting her brother at her place? 

These retro-romances, blast from the past, revived exes situations or people we've known from the past can cloud our minds or give us the illusion of knowledge, safety, familiarity. With this in mind I would be more cautious, not less cautious. 

She is showing you that she's able to be vulnerable with you and enjoys your company as is but isn't willing to go any further. I think what you're sensing is right and she should express more interest or "courage" if she wanted you to transfer or be together physically. 

I would take her response as her potentially being involved with someone else or wanting the freedom to date others. Don't bring sexuality into it. It's that she is not in a place to date any one person exclusively right now. Be a friend if you like but that may hold you back from finding a relationship where you feel appreciated or loved too. Why hold yourself back? Life can be amazing with someone special. Wish her the best and distance yourself so you can be free to find what you're looking for with someone else. It's selfish of her too to be hanging onto you or playing mind games with you. 

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8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

There are some changes in her living situation and circumstances. What do you mean her brother moved in? Does she still live with family/her parents? Or is she supporting her brother at her place? 

These retro-romances, blast from the past, revived exes situations or people we've known from the past can cloud our minds or give us the illusion of knowledge, safety, familiarity. With this in mind I would be more cautious, not less cautious. 

She is showing you that she's able to be vulnerable with you and enjoys your company as is but isn't willing to go any further. I think what you're sensing is right and she should express more interest or "courage" if she wanted you to transfer or be together physically. 

I would take her response as her potentially being involved with someone else or wanting the freedom to date others. Don't bring sexuality into it. It's that she is not in a place to date any one person exclusively right now. Be a friend if you like but that may hold you back from finding a relationship where you feel appreciated or loved too. Why hold yourself back? Life can be amazing with someone special. Wish her the best and distance yourself so you can be free to find what you're looking for with someone else. It's selfish of her too to be hanging onto you or playing mind games with you. 

She moved from NY to Chicago. Her brother moved in with her to get away from NY to clear her head. She’s been really stressed out about it. In fact, we were fine until he moved in. She has told me, because of his depression, he’s been wandering the streets at night, and she’s been worried. She’s spending all of her money to keep them afloat. The night before we got into the “fight”, I bought her and her brother dinner because I know it’s getting difficult for her. I truly feel like she does not like change. Her parents aren’t really in the picture. They had divorced when she was young and raised by her father. Her father was kinda messed up towards her, and she bares the burdens of an abusive childhood. He didn’t want me to date her, and we never saw each other. She had a new year’s party at her house, and her father said that if I showed up, that I could date her. I didn’t show up because I didn’t have a ride, and I was too prideful to ask for one. This broke her heart because she took it as I didn’t want to be with her. She looked for me in other men, and was hurt by them. After that, she’s only dated women. She isn’t currently seeing anyone, and she hasn’t in a while. 

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@Batya33 she's into women. When he talks to her about a relationship, she tells him she's into women.

OP she might very well appreciate your presence as a friend, but she's still lesbian or bisexual. And, she seems not interested.

And even if she was interested, do you see yourself with a partner who is bisexual?

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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Please answer these questions:

1. Have you actually seen her in person since you reconnected?

2. How long ago did you reconnect?

3. What is the distance between you two right now in number of hours?

4. Do you know if she is single?

These were important details left out of your post.

Lost

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13 hours ago, Tommysubie said:

She moved from NY to Chicago. Her brother moved in with her to get away from NY to clear her head. She’s been really stressed out about it. In fact, we were fine until he moved in. She has told me, because of his depression, he’s been wandering the streets at night, and she’s been worried. She’s spending all of her money to keep them afloat. The night before we got into the “fight”, I bought her and her brother dinner because I know it’s getting difficult for her. I truly feel like she does not like change. Her parents aren’t really in the picture. They had divorced when she was young and raised by her father. Her father was kinda messed up towards her, and she bares the burdens of an abusive childhood. He didn’t want me to date her, and we never saw each other. She had a new year’s party at her house, and her father said that if I showed up, that I could date her. I didn’t show up because I didn’t have a ride, and I was too prideful to ask for one. This broke her heart because she took it as I didn’t want to be with her. She looked for me in other men, and was hurt by them. After that, she’s only dated women. She isn’t currently seeing anyone, and she hasn’t in a while. 

Given all of this are you really thinking about pressing this further? She's not available. Mentally and emotionally she's not in that state. She also seemed shocked/surprised with her response to you offering to transfer to her area. Make this as simple for yourself as possible. If she's not responding to dating you in a monogamous relationship, regardless of her sexuality, she is not interested in what you want. Best to be respectful of this.

You need to think of yourself also and distance yourself from a woman who's using you as an emotional crutch. Point her to services and support in her area regarding her brother but it's not on you to fix her problems. Try dating women who aren't confused and full of problems.

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2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Batya33 she's into women. When he talks to her about a relationship, she tells him she's into women.

OP she might very well appreciate your presence as a friend, but she's still lesbian or bisexual. And, she seems not interested.

And even if she was interested, do you see yourself with a partner who is bisexual?

Apparently she is bisexual so it's irrelevant if she's also into women -irrelevant as far as why mention that in the title? If he meant should he get back together knowing she is bisexual and that makes him uncomfortable then yes it would be relevant. 

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On 10/9/2021 at 10:15 AM, lostandhurt said:

Please answer these questions:

1. Have you actually seen her in person since you reconnected?

2. How long ago did you reconnect?

3. What is the distance between you two right now in number of hours?

4. Do you know if she is single?

These were important details left out of your post.

Lost

1. No I haven’t seen her.

2. We’ve reconnected over a month ago.

3. 4 flying hours. 13 driving hours.

4. She has been single for a very long time.

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On 10/9/2021 at 12:23 PM, Batya33 said:

Apparently she is bisexual so it's irrelevant if she's also into women -irrelevant as far as why mention that in the title? If he meant should he get back together knowing she is bisexual and that makes him uncomfortable then yes it would be relevant. 

Although I agree with you of how “irrelevant” it is due to her being bisexual… however, apparently this my not the case. 1. There are spectrums of homosexuality, and heterosexuality. 2. Even though we’ve had a romantic history, we we’re 16 years old. She hadn’t explored her sexuality. She dated a few guys after me, and it was only women after that. It’s been 10 years since she’s been with a man. Let alone the only man that she’s ever loved. 
she has been to herself lately, and afraid to date anyone. She’s been working on herself, and she is very protective of what she has built. She’s been through a lot, and doesn’t want to let someone in to disrupt that. Man, or woman.

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1 hour ago, Tommysubie said:

1. No I haven’t seen her.

2. We’ve reconnected over a month ago.

3. 4 flying hours. 13 driving hours.

4. She has been single for a very long time.

So none of this is real until you are face to face.  Texting or IM or Facetime or whatever is just communication, there is no soul to it so you cannot really know how she is feeling.

  I know you want to get back with her but she has been single a long time for a reason then add that you live pretty far apart and she is bisexual and haven't seen each other face to face in 15 years means you have a very tough challenge ahead of you.

  If you really want to give this a try then you need to ask her if you can come visit and catch up in person.  If she refuses then you have your answer.

  You should never have to convince someone to be with you...

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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