What should I do?

[Rik]

I've lived with my fiancee for a little over a year.  He has 3 teenagers.  The oldest is a girl who can do no wrong in my fiancee's eyes.  The kids live here full time and in the beginning it didn't matter, but now, I don't want to come home after work.  His kids are always here, obviously.  The 2 younger aren't horrible, but the oldest is THE WORST.  Smart mouth, bad attitude, know it all, talks down to my fiancee, does what she wants, when she wants--sucks the happiness out of the room. He says he'll ground her but NEVER does.  It's like my fiancee and the daughter are the adults in the house.  She leaves for school in about 9 months.  Thank god!  Mind you I DON'T look for/or start trouble, but when I try to voice my opinion or stand up for myself (she's been known to take stuff out of my closet) my fiancee takes her side.  "She's a good kid, she doesn't lie."  He's in denial, or wants to pretend that she's not horrible.

I thought we would buy a house together, but now I don't know.  It's a total routine here.  Come home from work, sit on the couch. He plays video games.  I sit next to him and either watch tv or go online.  At night he leaves for work.  I go to bed.  Get up for work. Leave before he gets home.  Weekends it's more of the same, but longer days of sitting on the couch.  Don't have tons of money and there's nothing to do around town anyway.  

He treats me fine otherwise, but when it comes to his little monster, forget it.  I get wanting to protect your kids, etc.  But, this is madness.

Please offer advice and LOTS of it!

[Seraphim]

Lots of questions. How long have you been together ? Did you live together right away? What is the age of the daughter ? When did her parents break up? What is her relationship like with her mother?

[Cherylyn]

Cancel the engagement, wedding and marriage plans.  Your fiancee is a package deal.  Either accept him and his kids as part of both of your lifestyles or dissolve and exit the relationship. 

I wouldn't buy a house with him unless you're willing to share your life with his kids again. 

His daughter in particular is wielding her power (manipulation) with her father and you because she knows she came first and she will make sure through her bratty behavior that you know your place. 

His kids take priority over you.  You're the one who needs to decide if your fiancee is worth it or not.  Is this the life you foresee for yourself?  It's your choice.  Take it or leave it.

[Lambert]

You're asking for lots of advice? 

For what to fix him? his daughter? the mundane life?

It's really hard to understand what you find to be the problem here. when it all sounds horrible.

Do you want to marry this guy?  why?

[Fudgie]

What are you getting out of this relationship, exactly? And why would you want to entangle yourself further?

Okay, so the oldest is a nightmare and even if you slog through the 9 months of waiting impatiently for her to leave, that doesn't mean she's gone for good. You will have to deal with her, and the other teenagers, frequently and also for anything else that crops up. Holidays, etc. What if she came on financial hard times and had to move in for the forseeable future? Or, worst yet, what if she falls pregnant and then has to move back home - looks like it's sleepless nights for you, step-grandma. Don't think for a second that you won't be expected to pick up the slack because if you don't, the daughter will whine about you and manipulate your partner like she does now. 

If you marry this man, then his responsibilities (the teenagers, and even into their adulthood) are now also shouldered by you. Your incomes will be joint and you will have to pay into the expenses in the future, whatever they are. Your house could very well become their house as well and there is nothing you can do or say about that.

Think about what you're signing up for here because when you marry a partner with kids, this is what happens. Package deal. Think carefully before you sign your singlehood away.

[catfeeder]

Nobody here is living your life for you, so we don't get a vote.

Speaking only for myself, I'd consider going back to dating him rather than living with him.

[Rose Mosse]

Do you see a future with this man and his family? If it's no, don't marry him. Break it off and separate. If you own the house, they will need to leave. Speak to a lawyer in private to discuss what steps to take evicting them. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? 

Where is the children's mother? Do you have kids?

This is not a teenagers fault. You're just taking it out on her.

You and your BF are incompatible.

He's a single dad. His kids come first.

Unfortunately it's him. He's too passive and treats you like a housekeeper and nanny.

Whose house is it? Make plans to move out or give him notice to move out.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is not a teenagers fault. You're just taking it out on her.

You and your BF are incompatible.

He's a single dad. His kids come first.

Unfortunately it's him. He's too passive and treats you like a housekeeper and nanny.

Whose house is it? Make plans to move out or give him notice to move out.

Couldn't have said it any better.

OP you don't need to live your life like this. It sounds depressing. Please consider separating.

[reinventmyself]

I remember a time that I dated a man with a darling little boy.  Weekends were spent with the baby napping in his playpen in the living room while we whispered in the dark with the curtains drawn closed.  I cooked dinner holding the baby on my hip while his dad laid on the couch watching football.  We spent a Sunday at the mall so the baby could ride the merry go round.  Mind you, I was divorced and my sons were out of high school.

I didn't do this for very long and as sweet as this man was I knew I had to leave.  The defining moment. When a good friend asked me what the heck I was doing.  Similar stage in life as myself and her new guy, on that same Sunday I was pushing a stroller, was courting her with wine sunsets on his boat, weekend ski trips and adult bbq's with his friends.  My experience was such a contrast and it was just glaring that we were at different places in our life.  I had to say goodbye.  I raised my kids.  I wanted to do adult things.

Compromise. . Don't break up, but move out or move in with a friend.  It may create a dynamic where you two need to make special time for each other.  In the meantime you can cultivate a life of your own while still preserving the relationship.  You know what you are doing now isn't going to get any better.  The oldest may be out next year, but you have two more siblings coming up in age.  I wouldn't expect more of the same or similar.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Rik said:

He treats me fine otherwise, but when it comes to his little monster, forget it.  I get wanting to protect your kids, etc.  But, this is madness.

You need to end it. They all deserve someone in their father's life who doesn't call them "monsters" and hate them this much.

 The 'madness' is a grown woman who lives with a man whose kids she hates. That's all on you.

 

[smackie9]

I would start heading to the coffee shop and sit on the computer there...invite him to come along. Anytime she enters the room and starts acting up, walk away. Go sit on the deck, go for a walk, etc. Just remove yourself from the situation. Your actions will start to speak volumes to him, and he will see that you just might be packing your bags if this keeps up.

[reinventmyself]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I would start heading to the coffee shop and sit on the computer there...invite him to come along. Anytime she enters the room and starts acting up, walk away. Go sit on the deck, go for a walk, etc. Just remove yourself from the situation. Your actions will start to speak volumes to him, and he will see that you just might be packing your bags if this keeps up.

But even with that, the best he gives her is the back of his head while he watches video games.

[Jibralta]

I'd get out now. It's only been a little over a year. Find someone who isn't afraid to prioritize his marriage over his children. You'll always be a second class citizen in a home like his. You've already put in your time as a kid. You're an adult with an adult brain, who makes adult decisions. Why should you now have a lower status than a child and be subordinate to his/her immature outbursts?

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

But even with that, the best he gives her is the back of his head while he watches video games.

If she changes her behavior, he will notice and change his. It will be a sign to him that things are not right, and will have him thinking. If he doesn't then she should fold up her tent and move on.

[Rose Mosse]

I'd consider dating him outside of living together if his schedules weren't completely opposite to yours and if you both had more in common. Perhaps take those things into consideration also. You both seem to be in a relationship out of convenience and living together out of convenience than any real interest or satisfaction. There's a lot of frustration in your post. 

If you moved out and dated him, realistically, how often would you see him and is that enough for you? 

[reinventmyself]

I think this calls for you step back and reevaluate what you need and assess as to whether these needs are getting met.