Do We Have A Second Chance?

[Wiz]

Fiance of 6 years dumped me about a week ago. My appetites just starting to come back but I keep waking up to panic attacks. 

We were pretty close and friends for a good while before we got together, the main conceit of our relationship though is that we were practically a continent apart. 
She had a job and was able to visit me twice during our relationship for about a week at a time. I'm so grateful I got to spend with her and truly appreciate everything she's ever done. When we were together like that I felt we were both truly happy; I'd trade it for the world. 

The other issue aside from the distance was my living situation and how my life was going. During our entire relationship I was only employed once for a 3 month period and was unable to find work where I was after that. So, I had no money to visit her or buy her gifts for her birthday or Christmas or anything. I felt awful about it and still do, but I felt I had to stay where I was to help family. 

She'd been saving for a while to get me to come where she lived and earn citizenship through marriage but the one time we got close I was detained and deported at the border for not having enough funds to be able to live on my own if I crossed. So, I was sent back home and we were both heart broken.

I got back home and sat around for about 3 years hoping for some miracle to happen, doing nothing with my life. We stayed together that much longer, bless her heart. But I was dragging her through the worst years of my ***ing life and I was mostly clueless of how much that might actually be hurting her. 

So, last week she breaks up with me. Tells me she can't wait around for me anymore and that we're both making each other worse people for it. Says she never wants to stop being friends and that I make her happy, and that she loves me and cares about me, but has refused to say those things since. She's been talking to me still, but being extremely distant and doesn't want to call me. I don't really blame her for any of this, I doubt it was easy for her to do that. I'm just confused. Everyday I want to tell her I love her more than anything, but I feel like I'm violating her if I do that.

I asked her if I was able to get my *** together and get to her if we could have a second chance together. And she more or less said maybe but not to get my hopes up.

Few days after we split I moved in with a friend and left my only family behind to try and start some kind of life for myself. I made a resume and I've applied to a handful of jobs so far, just waiting to hear back. I just hope she doesn't see this as me moving past her because suddenly she's not my "meal ticket" out of the ***ty life I had. I don't care where she's at or how much money she has. I just want to be with her regardless of where or how well we could live. I love her, and hope she's able to be happy, even if that happiness doesn't involve me. I just find it really hard to imagine my life without her as my fiance, or hell, my wife. 

But, do you think there's a chance for us to reconcile and start our relationship up again? My current goal is to save up enough money to go and see her this time if she's comfortable with that. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Wiz said:

My current goal is to save up enough money to go and see her this time if she's comfortable with that. 

Sorry this happened. Good your working on improving your circumstances. If and when you could visit her, ask if she would be ok with it. 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but in 6 yeats you saw her in person twice. If you wanted that to progress, you should have made more strides to improve that and make a life together by now. For example doing language courses and actively finding a job in her country. Now, its maybe too late. She lost hope and when that happens its hard to return from that. 

[boltnrun]

In six years you only worked for a total of three months? And you sat around doing absolutely nothing for three years?

Why did it take her breaking up with you for you to decide it might be a good idea to get a job? Did you expect her to support you financially if you somehow managed to get into her country?

She was a saint (or has low self esteem) to put up with all that for six years.

It's time to get a job and start supporting yourself. Not as a ploy to get her back but because you should. Trust me, you'll feel better if you do.

[Rose Mosse]

Keep working on your career for you, no one else and not for her either. It seems like you used her as a crutch, a reason to delay finding stable income or being self-reliant. She was enabling that. The plans you both had might have been sweet to daydream about but they were ultimately damaging and not fruitful or realistic. 

You can contact her again later but I think that is again you not working on your own issues or reasons for procrastinating. What kind of miracle were you hoping for? 

 

[gamon]

1 hour ago, Wiz said:

I got back home and sat around for about 3 years hoping for some miracle to happen, doing nothing with my life

I made a resume and I've applied to a handful of jobs so far

Hopium is not a strategy. Employment isn't going to just come knocking at your door. You didn't even have a freaking resume until after she broke up with you- and you did that only to try to win her back.

I'm surprised she stayed with you as long as she did. No job, no motivation, no money and you only saw each other 2x during the entire "relationship" if you can even call it that.

Highly doubt she'd ever come back but all you can do is try to improve yourself and who knows.. either way you won't be able to attract a quality partner if all you do is sit around all day waiting for results from the handful of resumes and continue to do nothing with your life.

Look at yourself from someone else's perspective- why would they want to be with someone like you?

 

 

 

[Wiz]

51 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

In six years you only worked for a total of three months? And you sat around doing absolutely nothing for three years?

Why did it take her breaking up with you for you to decide it might be a good idea to get a job? Did you expect her to support you financially if you somehow managed to get into her country?

She was a saint (or has low self esteem) to put up with all that for six years.

It's time to get a job and start supporting yourself. Not as a ploy to get her back but because you should. Trust me, you'll feel better if you do.

I was mainly staying with family to take care of them. We live pretty remotely without any real means of transportation.

I've wanted to work for a long time but I never felt right leaving my family. That's not really an excuse though, I've had the opportunity to do this for a while and should have just done it. And I never expected her to support me financially; she's offered me money before but I've always refused.

 

I'm going to do this regardless, but if it can help our relationship at the same time then all the better.

[Wiz]

40 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What kind of miracle were you hoping for?

There were multiple instances of my family and I getting ready to move and we would have been significantly closer to where she lived and that would have made things easier. But those plans kept falling through. I suppose I still found a miracle though; I'm blessed to have friends willing to take me in and help me. I guess I'm just a little slow on the draw.

[Rose Mosse]

It can be isolating and depressing living so remotely. I can see how the thought of moving away to be with someone you care about turn into a desperate need. It's also a way out of a place you no longer want to be anymore. That's already putting you at a disadvantage. She was very patient, likely understanding your background. Can't you move to bigger city to find employment there? It's worth the risk if it means that you feel more confident about yourself overall. People/partners are drawn to that. Take care of yourself. 

Yes, it's always a blessing to have good friends. 

[Wiz]

24 minutes ago, gamon said:

Look at yourself from someone else's perspective- why would they want to be with someone like you?

 

 

 

Well, I like to think I'm pretty personable. I have a lot of really long time close friends who seem to care about me a lot, so they probably see something in me that's worth keeping around whatever that might be. 

I've been told I'm very loving; when I had income I used most of it to take care of others. Apparently I'm handsome as well, but I'm not sure where people get that from.

[Wiz]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It can be isolating and depressing living so remotely. I can see how the thought of moving away to be with someone you care about turn into a desperate need. It's also a way out of a place you no longer want to be anymore. That's already putting you at a disadvantage. She was very patient, likely understanding your background. Can't you move to bigger city to find employment there? It's worth the risk if it means that you feel more confident about yourself overall. People/partners are drawn to that. Take care of yourself. 

Yes, it's always a blessing to have good friends. 

Yes, she was very patient and I'm extremely grateful she even bothered waiting as long as she did. 

And where I've recently moved to was a bigger metropolitan area with decent public transportation so I'm currently applying for a lot of jobs. 

 

Thank you; you take care of yourself as well.

[Lambert]

I think there are a few truths you have to accept and that this relationship wasn't meant to be, might be one of them. 

I know that really stinks, hurts and is a terrible thing for me to say. But hear me out.

If, over the course of 6 years, things did not work out, then they probably werent supposed to. 

You chose your family over the relationship, your own career and happiness. Right or wrong that is what happened.

You rarely saw this woman. So it's very easy to get sucked into a fantasy.

Now here you are.... this relationship has ended and you're already on a new adventure.  Go with it. You've put your life on hold long enough.  Time to do some things for yourself.  

Get a full time job, your own place and eventually a local woman.  it'll take time, but it  is honestly your only choice. 

You can do it! Be brave. Keep going! 

[Wiz]

14 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think there are a few truths you have to accept and that this relationship wasn't meant to be, might be one of them. 

I know that really stinks, hurts and is a terrible thing for me to say. But hear me out.

If, over the course of 6 years, things did not work out, then they probably werent supposed to. 

You chose your family over the relationship, your own career and happiness. Right or wrong that is what happened.

You rarely saw this woman. So it's very easy to get sucked into a fantasy.

Now here you are.... this relationship has ended and you're already on a new adventure.  Go with it. You've put your life on hold long enough.  Time to do some things for yourself.  

Get a full time job, your own place and eventually a local woman.  it'll take time, but it  is honestly your only choice. 

You can do it! Be brave. Keep going! 

I know I'll probably sound like the typical sob, but it never really felt like a fantasy to me; I was simply happy to have her in my life. I wasn't in love with some false image of her, we've known each other at least a decade. We both deeply missed each other after she'd leave, but I was always content to just be able to spend time with her whether it was in person or not and tell her I love her. And we spent as much time together as we could. 

I realize now that that might have been part of the issue; I was just way too complacent. 

Even if she won't take me back I do want to make those six years up to her somehow. I also plan to keep chugging along as best I can, don't worry.

[gamon]

An award winning personality only gets you so far.

Get a job, get a home (living off of a friend doesn't count), and get a car.

Things will improve.

 

[Rose Mosse]

5 minutes ago, Wiz said:

Even if she won't take me back I do want to make those six years up to her somehow. 

Is this guilt? Let go of that. No need to feel guilty. It didn't work out. Keep improving yourself for you.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Wiz said:

Few days after we split I moved in with a friend and left my only family behind to try and start some kind of life for myself. I made a resume and I've applied to a handful of jobs so far, just waiting to hear back. I just hope she doesn't see this as me moving past her because suddenly she's not my "meal ticket" out of the ***ty life I had. I don't care where she's at or how much money she has. I just want to be with her regardless of where or how well we could live.

I am wondering why you didn't do this much in the 6 yrs you were involved with her?

A women (partner) does want to see that their partner is 'giving something' in the relationship.

She hung on for this long. but has decided to admit, enough.

I don't feel a second attempt now will work, sorry 😕 .

Sounds like she's accepted what is & moved on.

 

[catfeeder]

Only 2 visits in 6 years was a fantasy--not a relationship.

If losing the 'idea' of this person has lit a fire under you to create a better life for yourself, then you'll be better positioned to meet someone with whom you can actually get to know in person.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Wiz said:

do you think there's a chance for us to reconcile and start our relationship up again?

No. It's way too little, way too late. That ship has sailed. 

Out of curiosity, how old are you, OP? 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

I have a hunch this will go right over your head, but rather than trying to win her back, why not focus on being more independent and making better choices?

On the other hand, it appears like you're in denial which seems like a safe place, yet it's only temporary.