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Girlfriend has anxiety, help!


Cenkiz
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Hi,

I have been with my gf for 2 years now, she has ibs and all the signs of a very anxious person.

Her anxiety is shown in different ways and it mainly comes out at me when we are together, for example if we go to a restaurant and she doesn't like the place (there wouldn't be anything wrong with the place) she will moan and will not enjoy her self - start arguing with me over nothing and pretty much ruin the night/day. She says it's her anxiety but I've met people who suffer with anxiety and they are not particularly mean people. She also says I need to be more understanding and softer, not sure if she's gaslighting me as Im pretty thoughtful and caring, her mood can twist and turn suddenly, she could meet me and act like she doesn't really want to meet like she wanted to stay at home but I always tell her if you want to meet later on etc thats fine no need to meet when your not ready.

Her choices effect me and the vibe if we are together, we can be having a conversation and she'll think that I have given her to much info about what she asked and she starts getting anxious and annoyed, when I have really good convo's with friends, work colleges and family where we openly talk and don't get annoyed at each other.

Has anyone experienced this behaviour before? or share there story to compare?

Any info is appreciated.

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Are you sure she is not blaming anxiety for being a jerk?

People may have conditions and it's on them to work on improving them, not expecting others to adapt to them. 

Do you agree with the above statement?  Can you see your relationship in this? Or do you think she is OK to do the things she does?

You're seeing how she is.  You can't change her and the more you change yourself to accommodate her, the more you lose of yourself. 

So it's really your choice... continue knowing this will never improve or find a more mature partner.

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I agree with the above comment. Coming from someone who also suffers pretty badly with an anxiety disorder, if i'm ever an a*hole it is not because of my anxiety. 

You also mention at the start that she has "all the signs" of anxiety but has she actually been diagnosed? i'd suggest she spoke to her doctor if not because potentially there is much more than an anxiety issue here and she cant keep blaming her crappy attitude on this. 

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Im not sure what her issue is to be honest, I have told her numerous times to talk to a counsellor or some one who can help, I can't see her issue's causing her to be a horrid person her family are quite similar as well.

I can't put up with it much longer as dating or having a relationship should be enjoyable and fun, with ups and downs but not constant weird scenarios being blamed back and forth, I think there is a bigger issue but I am not sure what it is, some thing mental health wise but who knows!

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Is she being treated for her anxiety? 

have anxiety as well, but as Dolly mentioned, I don't take it out on other people.  Nor do I expect them to manage it for me.  It's my job to manage it and if instead I acted out because of it, I wouldn't be surprised if people avoided me and I ended up alone.

My anxiety doesn't cause me to be obnoxious, demanding or mean either.  Something is up here. Don't know what it is but it doesn't add up.

She might have to learn the hard way that she can't take it out on people around her.  Especially those close to her. 

Edited by reinventmyself
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Anxiety can be displayed as anger. It is pretty common. I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD. However, it is on the shoulders of the person with mental health issues to get help and medications if needed. If she isn’t undergoing treatment she needs to. 

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4 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Is she being treated for her anxiety? 

have anxiety as well, but as Dolly mentioned, I don't take it out on other people.  Nor do I expect them to manage it for me.  It's my job to manage it and if instead I acted out because of it, I wouldn't be surprised if people avoided me and I ended up alone.

My anxiety doesn't cause me to be obnoxious and demanding either.

She might have to learn the hard way that she can't take it out on people around her.  Especially those close to her. 

She refuses to see anyone but expects me to unravel why she's acting how she is and take the brunt force of it, she could get upset about something that doesn't make sense to me and start an argument out of nothing its just strange behaviour

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6 minutes ago, Cenkiz said:

Im not sure what her issue is to be honest, I have told her numerous times to talk to a counsellor or some one who can help, I can't see her issue's causing her to be a horrid person her family are quite similar as well.

I can't put up with it much longer as dating or having a relationship should be enjoyable and fun, with ups and downs but not constant weird scenarios being blamed back and forth, I think there is a bigger issue but I am not sure what it is, some thing mental health wise but who knows!

I think definitely suggest for her to speak to her doctor about her mood swings. If she isn't willing to work on herself for the relationship, then thats unfair on you and you deserve better. 

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3 minutes ago, Cenkiz said:

She refuses to see anyone but expects me to unravel why she's acting how she is and take the brunt force of it, she could get upset about something that doesn't make sense to me and start an argument out of nothing its just strange behaviour

If she chooses to not get treatment and wants to make you her emotional punching bag that is unacceptable and you need to break up for your own mental health . 

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7 minutes ago, Cenkiz said:

She refuses to see anyone but expects me to unravel why she's acting how she is and take the brunt force of it, she could get upset about something that doesn't make sense to me and start an argument out of nothing its just strange behaviour

and how long are you willing to do this?

Life lesson. . .whenever you find yourself waiting around for someone to  fundamentally be someone they are not, you are in the wrong place.  She has shown you who she is.  This is what you've signed up for.

You are here asking for help how to manage this, yet I haven't seen where she has taken any responsibility for it, let alone getting help.  She doesn't even seem to admit this is her problem.  She is using it as a disability and an excuse for beating you over the head with it.

I'm no doctor but it doesn't look like anxiety to me.  At least not just anxiety but some thing else along with it.  Or just really bad behavior.  She gives anxiety a bad name.

Edited by reinventmyself
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50 minutes ago, Cenkiz said:

She refuses to see anyone but expects me to unravel why she's acting how she is and take the brunt force of it, she could get upset about something that doesn't make sense to me and start an argument out of nothing its just strange behaviour

She doesn't think her behavior is a problem for her and she is correct. She uses you as a punching bag and you keep sticking around taking it. Not to mention you are trying to figure out how to pretzel yourself even more in order to alleviate the pain she is willfully inflicting on you.

Instead of asking how to manage this or what this is, you need to stop trying to decipher her and dump her cold.

You are correct that relationships, at least healthy relationships, are supposed to be happy and enhance your life instead of being misery and pain. It doesn't matter why someone uses you as a punching bag - there are no good excuses for that at all. None. Learn how to walk away faster for your own sake and sanity.

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She needs to go see her doctor or a therapist for some help.  I dont know if she has anxiety or is just an ornery person.  She will push you away sooner or later with her actions.  

My son's gf has anxiety and she's generally quiet but pleasant.  She was put on the wrong meds for a while and wasn't very pleasant but a change of meds made a huge difference to her, she is much happier.

A male friend says he has anxiety, and as much as I like him, he can be hard to be around as he cant sit still and fidgets constantly.  He is not one to go to a doctor unless he's half dead, tho he'd probably benefit from some medical intervention.

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1 hour ago, Cenkiz said:

Im not sure what her issue is to be honest, I have told her numerous times to talk to a counsellor or some one who can help, I can't see her issue's causing her to be a horrid person her family are quite similar as well.

Well, this could explain things.

But, it sounds like you are really not that happy with her challenges & attitude with you.  Then don't tolerate it.  2 yrs has been plenty.  If you're not compatible, then you're not.

Nothing you can do to help her in this.. is up to HER to reach out for help & be diagnosed, etc.

 

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3 hours ago, Cenkiz said:

Hi,

I have been with my gf for 2 years now, she has ibs and all the signs of a very anxious person.

Her anxiety is shown in different ways and it mainly comes out at me when we are together, for example if we go to a restaurant and she doesn't like the place (there wouldn't be anything wrong with the place) she will moan and will not enjoy her self - start arguing with me over nothing and pretty much ruin the night/day. She says it's her anxiety but I've met people who suffer with anxiety and they are not particularly mean people. She also says I need to be more understanding and softer, not sure if she's gaslighting me as Im pretty thoughtful and caring, her mood can twist and turn suddenly, she could meet me and act like she doesn't really want to meet like she wanted to stay at home but I always tell her if you want to meet later on etc thats fine no need to meet when your not ready.

Her choices effect me and the vibe if we are together, we can be having a conversation and she'll think that I have given her to much info about what she asked and she starts getting anxious and annoyed, when I have really good convo's with friends, work colleges and family where we openly talk and don't get annoyed at each other.

Has anyone experienced this behaviour before? or share there story to compare?

Any info is appreciated.

She complains a lot? That's a character flaw, sadly. Can you give specific examples of what she complains about on a regular basis? You are dismissive of her in the restaurant example. She may dislike something that you like but you're not listening anymore and have checked out of the rl.

The second part about giving too much info may be true and that can be annoying. You need to sense also when your audience is getting bored of tired of you talking about something for too long. Keep your info short and to the point. It doesn't sound like she knows how to turn the conversation around so she may not be very socially adept or a great conversationalist either. 

Half of the problem is you expecting her to be someone else so you need to decide what you want out of a partner also and if she's not it, move on.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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3 hours ago, Cenkiz said:

She refuses to see anyone but expects me to unravel why she's acting how she is and take the brunt force of it, she could get upset about something that doesn't make sense to me and start an argument out of nothing its just strange behaviour

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Was she always argumentative/difficult?

Don't be her whipping boy. If she's bratty, distance yourself.

If you entertain her so-called anxiety, she'll do it more for attention.

She could have any number of things from mood disorders, to personality disorders to just having an obnoxious personality. 

 Best thing to do is reflect on what you want from a relationship and if her high-maintenance behavior is bringing you down, rethink this.

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Oof, I had one. She didnt complain about places(places we did go out were usually more smaller and intimate though) but didnt like crowds nore even had any friends to go out with or even for coffee(she is married now but still doubt she has a life outside of her home). I was a very social person back then, played basketball almost daily with friends, had few crowds to hang out, party etc. She never wanted me to take her along, we always were alone walking and doing stuff on our own. Anyway, the reason I am bringing it out is, your case reminds me on her. She could be sweet and caring, and was never a problem to organize to see her, but during dates all it took is one word that she didnt like and then she would give me "silent treatments" and just nod her head and let me talk until I notice that she is mad about something and question her why. Then it would be arguing until we "kiss and make up" and until next time when more of my words would be misconstrued in the way to make her mad etc. So I would have to "walk on the eggshells" every time we were together in order for her "moods" not to kick in. Its not very pleasant and yes, it brings overall happiness down and affects you by making you feel like you are the problem for wanting to share something with her but never know if its good or not to do it. Point is, I am sorry, anxiety or not, you need somebody who would not make you feel that way. Point of dating is to be fun, to do stuff together, even to share stories you want (well if they arent innapropriate ofcourse) without the other side making you feel like s h i t for doing that. If that relationship progresses and goes, for example into living together or marriage could you imagine you talking and her getting annoyed every single day? Because that would happen as you would have to either be quiet about stuff or face her mood. Which you would probably get either way. Its not fun nore something you should aim in your relationship. Reflect on that and see if its something you want.

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She's miserable all the time because life makes her uncomfortable. She needs treatment. If she started treatment years ago, she would probably be OK, but later in life, medication/therapy doesn't always get things back down to zero. IMO if she is this bad, and would rather wallow in misery, probably best to move on.

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13 hours ago, Lambert said:

Are you sure she is not blaming anxiety for being a jerk?

Well said. I don't care what someone is diagnosed with, if they're just a generally miserable person, they're no match for me.

I won't keep dating someone out of pity. If they are unwilling to enjOy themselves with me, then they can take whatever they're suffering from to someone who is willing to sentence themselves to misery.

Some people are best loved from far away.

Edited by catfeeder
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I spent 4 years with someone who shared many of the traits your girlfriend has.  He too blamed it on anxiety, but wouldn't do anything about it.  I ended up a wreck, walking on eggshells, trying to think of how to say everything in a way that wouldn't lead to him taking offence, avoiding situations that might set him off and effectively cancelling my life, because we could only do things that he wanted to do or he'd kick off and ruin everything. 

I went for counselling and soon realised that it wasn't my job to tolerate such behaviour.  I put in very firm boundaries that I stuck to, so he came to realise there were consequences to behaving badly.  If he started moaning about everything, I would say that I had to leave and I'd leave.  He could and would suddenly stop acting out, but by me leaving, he knew to behave nicely from the start.

It was an improvement, but eventually I decided I didn't want to live my life like that and would prefer to be by myself rather than with someone who needed all that work.  He eventually admitted that he was on the Autistic spectrum, but it was too late and meant he was unlikely to ever behave better.

Don't go through all this.  In a normal relationship you can be yourself and enjoy your time with your partner.  What you are experiencing isn't normal and is not going to do you any good at all.

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2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I spent 4 years with someone who shared many of the traits your girlfriend has.  He too blamed it on anxiety, but wouldn't do anything about it.  I ended up a wreck, walking on eggshells, trying to think of how to say everything in a way that wouldn't lead to him taking offence, avoiding situations that might set him off and effectively cancelling my life, because we could only do things that he wanted to do or he'd kick off and ruin everything. 

I went for counselling and soon realised that it wasn't my job to tolerate such behaviour.  I put in very firm boundaries that I stuck to, so he came to realise there were consequences to behaving badly.  If he started moaning about everything, I would say that I had to leave and I'd leave.  He could and would suddenly stop acting out, but by me leaving, he knew to behave nicely from the start.

It was an improvement, but eventually I decided I didn't want to live my life like that and would prefer to be by myself rather than with someone who needed all that work.  He eventually admitted that he was on the Autistic spectrum, but it was too late and meant he was unlikely to ever behave better.

Don't go through all this.  In a normal relationship you can be yourself and enjoy your time with your partner.  What you are experiencing isn't normal and is not going to do you any good at all.

Thanks for sharing, your experience sounds very much like mine to a tee, almost to alike. I can't put up for much longer, doing things is a chore, rather than thinking this is going to be so much fun, I think at what point will it turn south and will the negativity come out, where a normal individual will just enjoy them selves and be them selves selflessy. 

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13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Oof, I had one. She didnt complain about places(places we did go out were usually more smaller and intimate though) but didnt like crowds nore even had any friends to go out with or even for coffee(she is married now but still doubt she has a life outside of her home). I was a very social person back then, played basketball almost daily with friends, had few crowds to hang out, party etc. She never wanted me to take her along, we always were alone walking and doing stuff on our own. Anyway, the reason I am bringing it out is, your case reminds me on her. She could be sweet and caring, and was never a problem to organize to see her, but during dates all it took is one word that she didnt like and then she would give me "silent treatments" and just nod her head and let me talk until I notice that she is mad about something and question her why. Then it would be arguing until we "kiss and make up" and until next time when more of my words would be misconstrued in the way to make her mad etc. So I would have to "walk on the eggshells" every time we were together in order for her "moods" not to kick in. Its not very pleasant and yes, it brings overall happiness down and affects you by making you feel like you are the problem for wanting to share something with her but never know if its good or not to do it. Point is, I am sorry, anxiety or not, you need somebody who would not make you feel that way. Point of dating is to be fun, to do stuff together, even to share stories you want (well if they arent innapropriate ofcourse) without the other side making you feel like s h i t for doing that. If that relationship progresses and goes, for example into living together or marriage could you imagine you talking and her getting annoyed every single day? Because that would happen as you would have to either be quiet about stuff or face her mood. Which you would probably get either way. Its not fun nore something you should aim in your relationship. Reflect on that and see if its something you want.

Wow yours sounds similar, the silent treatment and walking on egg shells about saying things. She has no friends also but doesn't have a problem going to parties if I take her but she doesn't know how to fully interact with people and can be a bit embarrassing at times, I can't imagine living with her and waking up to this mood as I am very chilled so its hard to think I can make some one annoyed by answering there question, its a strange situation always.

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15 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

She complains a lot? That's a character flaw, sadly. Can you give specific examples of what she complains about on a regular basis? You are dismissive of her in the restaurant example. She may dislike something that you like but you're not listening anymore and have checked out of the rl.

The second part about giving too much info may be true and that can be annoying. You need to sense also when your audience is getting bored of tired of you talking about something for too long. Keep your info short and to the point. It doesn't sound like she knows how to turn the conversation around so she may not be very socially adept or a great conversationalist either. 

Half of the problem is you expecting her to be someone else so you need to decide what you want out of a partner also and if she's not it, move on.

I don't think giving to much information is worth a argument other wise how would you have a convo with out sharing info. All the conversations would end after a few sentences doesn't really seem like a vibe especially when some one asks you about something your passionate about im not a robot i cant shut down I have conversations daily with people who dont act like this.

 

I dont expect her to be anything but her self, its difficult when a complete normal fun situation turns negative over nothing.

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2 hours ago, Cenkiz said:

Thanks for sharing, your experience sounds very much like mine to a tee, almost to alike. I can't put up for much longer, doing things is a chore, rather than thinking this is going to be so much fun, I think at what point will it turn south and will the negativity come out, where a normal individual will just enjoy them selves and be them selves selflessy. 

In reading @poorlittlefish I, too, had a similar experience. It took.a few years but I started to realize I dont want to live like this. He claimed depression and this or that but it all cane down to- he won't change. So stop complaining about it.

I know for myself, I always thought I had to love people for who they are. but the part I didn't grasp for a long time is, people have to step up for me, too. It's not good enough to claim some reason why I have to bear the brunt of their bad behavior. Whether it's medical, emotional, and or mental health or their zodiac sign... 

People who say things like 'that's who I am' etc, well ok cool for them.  they can be who they are away from me. and find other people to abuse.

Save yourself OP. You are being damaged by this in ways you don't realize. And breaking up won't instantly fix it. You're going to need to heal yourself when this is over. 

So consider that.  When you consider how much time you're giving this...

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