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Emotional abuse?


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My husband and I have been together for 9 years and he’s always put me through a lot. Lies, betrayal, and secrets. Emotionally cheated with his ex until I got pregnant. & he’s also is emotionally abusive.

I left him in April, I then met a man and he swept me off my feet. (Stupid, I know) but it killed my then ex “husband” and he realized what he had with me and promised change. I knew better - he was taking women on dates. But I finally gave in. My son and I moved back home and I’ve been trying very hard to fix our old probs. But he wants me then he hates me. Holds so much resentment and says “he no longer wants to be together and it was a mistake to ask me to come back. That he is better off single.” Then he makes condescending comments about me leaving him.

He is killing me and my emotions. I’ve cried all night and don’t even know if I can keep faking a smile anymore. What do you call this behavior? I’m trying to live a happy life together but he makes me feel like trash.

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Are you legally married? If so consult an attorney for your options in divorce, custody etc.

In the meantime, talk to trusted friends and family.

Most of all see a physician for STD testing. Between your cheating and his, there's risks.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Do you work? Do you have supportive friend and family?

Musical beds is not the answer to extricating yourself from this.

If you're married, get divorced. It's that simple.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Divorce.

This man has shown you who he is for years. He won't just up and change and be "the one". Plus, he's abusive/manipulative.

So>> divorce and severe all unnecessary contact with him. Stop falling for his lies. I also suggest you NOT date for at least a year. You need to get your clarity back. I know it hurts, but you need to do what you need to do. Your kid also deserves better; a healthy stable home- even with you a single parent. You need to be a good example to him and show him that sometimes in life, people change, and they shouldn't get stuck in a rut, but rather let go and free themselves.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you legally married? If so consult an attorney for your options in divorce, custody etc.

In the meantime, talk to trusted friends and family.

Most of all see a physician for STD testing. Between your cheating and his, there's risks.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Do you work? Do you have supportive friend and family?

Musical beds is not the answer to extricating yourself from this.

If you're married, get divorced. It's that simple.

I did not cheat. I left him. He didn’t have sex during separation. Thank you for replying. I will look into more information. 

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How are you going to live a happy life with this guy?

He is not going to change. Obviously he could not handle you being with another man because he has a huge ego. So he said whatever to get you to end it. it is not you. it's him.

Divorce this guy. Limit his role in your life to co-parent only.  

These are the words to live by with this guy:

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me"

You know who and what he is. Why are you doing this to yourself? 

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10 hours ago, EmotionalOrange said:

What do you call this behavior?

His behavior or your behavior?

His behavior is abusive. He is mistreating you with cruel words and behaviors that cause you to cry at night and make it hard to smile. It's harming your psychological and emotional well-being.

Why are you staying in a relationship that causes you so much misery? It's because he has control over you. Make no mistake about it: the goal of the abuser is to control and to have power over their partner.

Your behavior? You are keeping your eyes shut tight about what's going on and dismissing logic. You are surrendering yourself to his control for some inexplicable reason.

Edited by Jibralta
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Abusers abuse due to deep rooted issues.  These issues need to be worked out in intensive long term therapy.  Just wishing them away never works.

He said just enough to get you and back and there is no surprise you two ended up in the same dance you were doing before.

He's not your problem anymore, but it would be helpful to get yourself in therapy.  You need support to work through what you've been through and you need to learn why you were attracted to him to begin with.  Without some insights you are very likely to choose someone just like him again.

Trust me. Been there done that.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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10 hours ago, EmotionalOrange said:

Lies, betrayal, and secrets. Emotionally cheated with his ex until I got pregnant. & he’s also is emotionally abusive.

I left him in April, I then met a man and he swept me off my feet. (Stupid, I know) but it killed my then ex “husband” and he realized what he had with me and promised change. I knew better - he was taking women on dates. But I finally gave in. My son and I moved back home and I’ve been trying very hard to fix our old probs.

You knew better...

HE is NOT a very stable, kind man.

But, you felt weak, or obligate to 'try again'.

Sorry for your pains 😕 .. But YOU can't fix this.  He's got a challenging history with you in this relationship and is really up to HIM to change- but he won't.

You need to get away from this, again and stay away from it all!  It's causing you a lot of unnecessary pains 😕 .

And be good for you BOTH to not go getting involved with other's so fast.  You two need to work on your emotions & accept this relationship is done... Some serious down time to work through it all is best.

So, you move out of there again and get yourself stable and focus on yourself & your son.

And stay away from your abusive husband! ( Been there.. but I learned fast & never went back).  Is better for all of you.

 

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10 hours ago, EmotionalOrange said:

What do you call this behavior?

You have PTSD, and it can take several tries before you actually leave because abuse "fries" your brain where they rip you apart to the point you are completely not sure what to do.  He won't change. He won't do better.  The only thing you can do is get out.  Contact a domestic violence abuse shelter. Let family and friends know what is going on, and do not be embarrassed.  These completely manipulative people do numbers on victims.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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12 hours ago, EmotionalOrange said:

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and he’s always put me through a lot. Lies, betrayal, and secrets. Emotionally cheated with his ex until I got pregnant. & he’s also is emotionally abusive.

I left him in April, I then met a man and he swept me off my feet. (Stupid, I know) but it killed my then ex “husband” and he realized what he had with me and promised change. I knew better - he was taking women on dates. But I finally gave in. My son and I moved back home and I’ve been trying very hard to fix our old probs. But he wants me then he hates me. Holds so much resentment and says “he no longer wants to be together and it was a mistake to ask me to come back. That he is better off single.” Then he makes condescending comments about me leaving him.

He is killing me and my emotions. I’ve cried all night and don’t even know if I can keep faking a smile anymore. What do you call this behavior? I’m trying to live a happy life together but he makes me feel like trash.

Sounds pretty toxic from an outside point of view, the best thing you can do is separate and cut him out of your life. See him if you have to for your son but don't tell him ANY details of your personal life.

BUT familiarity can be deceiving and you have a connection with this guy, he treats you bad, has no idea what he wants but you can't separate fully, if you have the strength to do it move out, he won't change unless you love him that much to put up with the stress, it becomes the normal and you can't imagine a life with out as you've been with it for so long, disconnect and move on you'll be happier in the long run or grow old living with this 'man'

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23 hours ago, EmotionalOrange said:

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and he’s always put me through a lot. Lies, betrayal, and secrets. Emotionally cheated with his ex until I got pregnant. & he’s also is emotionally abusive.

I left him in April, I then met a man and he swept me off my feet. (Stupid, I know) but it killed my then ex “husband” and he realized what he had with me and promised change. I knew better - he was taking women on dates. But I finally gave in. My son and I moved back home and I’ve been trying very hard to fix our old probs. But he wants me then he hates me. Holds so much resentment and says “he no longer wants to be together and it was a mistake to ask me to come back. That he is better off single.” Then he makes condescending comments about me leaving him.

He is killing me and my emotions. I’ve cried all night and don’t even know if I can keep faking a smile anymore. What do you call this behavior? I’m trying to live a happy life together but he makes me feel like trash.

Are you married or living together common law? Why is the word husband in quotations? Take courage being a mother as you have a dependent with you that you have to look out for, speak to a lawyer private on your own behalf (say nothing to this person) and find a way out of this. The relationship can't continue but you don't have to do it alone. Look to legal advice and lean on the support of friends and family. 

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On 10/5/2021 at 1:21 AM, EmotionalOrange said:

I’m trying to live a happy life together but he makes me feel like trash.

The thing is, you're trying to do the impossible. You can't have a happy life with somebody that makes you feel like trash.

That's the thing that you have to face up to: if you want a happy life, this guy has got to go. In fact, that's the key to your happiness.

He's rotten, and rot spreads. He will make your life rotten, too. Stop clinging to rotten things.

You can't be happy AND have him in your life.

So now you have to get clever because you have a child with him.

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Did you marry my ex-husband?  I feel for you, OP, cause I've been there. 

My ex-husband did the same thing to me, it's abuse.  He would treat me like garbage til I'd want to leave, then he'd BEG me to come back, "lovebomb" me til I did, then once I did- treat me even WORSE than before. 

I wish someone had told me this at the time.  No matter how much YOU love someone, nothing you say or do will make them love you how you want to be loved.  Sadly, love isn't enough.  Compatibility matters.  Respect matters.  How they treat you at their WORST matters, cause that's real life.  

You need to get a divorce.  He won't change- trust me on this, I know from my own experience.  You will just waste time thinking and hoping and trying to make things better, but at the end of the day- YOU CAN'T CONTROL HIM.   If he wanted to treat you better, he would.  Take your son and move out. 

It's the healthiest option for all three of you.   And do NOT let him "reel you back in".  This isn't love, it's control and abuse. 

Best of luck to you.  VERY truly. 

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My heart goes out to you. The good news is, you left once before so you've already shown yourself that you can do it.

Consider contacting an abuse hotline, women's shelter or domestic violence agency to seek some work with a counselor to form a plan and help you through this.

You don't need to be 'hit' to be abused, and the goal of these services is prevention of violence.

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