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Deadbeat father GUILT/inappropriate behavior towards me.


rchubn
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I NEED advice... 

 

Here's what's going on:

- My dad was a deabeat majority of my life. I havent seen him in over 15 years. He recently tried to come back to my life with his new daughter and its been traumatic for me. It's caused me a lot more pain and stress so I ultimately decided maybe I was not ready for reconcilation. If the reconcilation is more traumatic than the actual abandonment, maybe I'm not ready. 

- I told him that and a huge argument happened. Lots of cursing and him saying mean things to me. Which was even more traumatic for me. He said things to me that I will now need to work through mentally. I walked outta this situation with more trauma than I had walking into the idea of reconcilation. 

- Now he's trying to guilt me. He realized his reaction was inappropriate and he apologized and he's using guilt tactics like "i will always love you, know your father loves you" and this confuses me because he does not even know me. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm denying a parent a relationship with their daughter (me) but 1. This man does not even know me, how can he love me in any valuable way when he was absent. It feels like manipulation. When he says stuff like "I love you" he is viewing me as a concept  and not a person, he does not know me well enough to love me as a person. 2. When I verbalized that I was struggling with everything and needed to take everything slowly, he completely went off on me. I dont even want to repeat the things said to me and he did apologize but everything he said to me validated every negative thought I had growing up about the reasons why my father wasn't around. 

 

I'm learning that he is immature and underdeveloped as an adult but I feel GUILTY that I'm done with this relationship. My older brother told me my father is a complicated person and that I need to set boundaries but should still try but I'm someone who has already been through enough. I can't have people I hold highly saying mean things to me when I'm honest about my feelings and then apologizing afterwards. 

 

Any advice? 

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Ya keep him out of your life. He didn't raise you like a father should, he's still a jerk, and you don't get any benefit from seeing him again. Tell him thanks, but no thanks, and not to contact you again. Seriously you don't need him in your life.

Edited by smackie9
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After a weekend of feeling awful I did finally respond to his text where he apologized. I told him I'm blocking him and he's doing the "I will always love you" and other stuff like that. I just feel so guilty that I'm setting boundaries and now my brother is doing the "he's not going to live forever" stuff. 

 

This father wound I have has been a thorn in my life. I just wanted to mend some of that for myself and I just wanted to heal it by reconcilation. I just thought if I could just heal that I would stop getting into abusive relationships and stop letting men walk all over me. And now it feels worse. I thought if I verbalized how I was feeling without shutting down like I always do, we could slow things down and work it out. I was open and forgiving, I just wanted grace and time and I'm not understanding why I was not able to mend this for myself and why I had to walk away with MORE hurt

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In order for a reconciliation to happen is for him to own all of it. He has not. He just can't, so this is on him to feel the guilt because he lost his chance. Your older brother is the one you should talk to...dump it all on him. He needs to really know the emotional torture you are still going through, and you simply cannot do this anymore. It can't happen.

 

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29 minutes ago, rchubn said:

He recently tried to come back to my life with his new daughter and its been traumatic for me. It's caused me a lot more pain and stress so I ultimately decided maybe I was not ready for reconcilation.

He's abusive so every single word you say may be used against you or he may lash out at you even if your feelings are valid or if you're not ready. Don't keep opening up yourself or being vulnerable to people like this. You may go through the rest of your life feeling residual guilt for limiting or not having a relationship with your father but you are also protecting yourself from further damage. That guilt will fade later on and the sting or jagged edges of having a parent who cares less about your wellbeing than his own will even out. Keep being around other people you respect and who care about you.

In future if he approaches you again, ask for facts only such as time, place, who will be present. Have your own transportation there back and forth and depend on him for absolutely nothing. If he wants to spend the day at your place, suggest otherwise. Meet for lunch or coffee and keep the meetings short. It's up to you if you want to meet his new daughter or your half-sister. He doesn't get to choose that for you. 

If you find him difficult to negotiate with or make plans with or he constantly needs to dictate everything down to your meets, then forego spending time at all with him. That is not a balanced relationship.

 

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1 hour ago, rchubn said:

After a weekend of feeling awful I did finally respond to his text where he apologized. I told him I'm blocking him and he's doing the "I will always love you" and other stuff like that. I just feel so guilty that I'm setting boundaries

Good.  Keep your distance.  You owe him nothing!

You do as YOU need to do and if he's affected you so, in a negative, then he IS toxic to you 😕 .

Keep on with your life, you don't need him or owe him anything. ( I had to do this with a few 'toxic' family members over the years).

 

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I think you're right to listen to yourself and set boundaries.

This is a very hurtful situation that will effect your life... as you see. And unfortunately, your dad is not helpful... as you also see. 

As for your brother  I would try to talk to him & ask him to respect your choices 

It is true your dad won't live forever... but none of us will.  That can't be the reason for a free pass to act like a dead beat over and over.

Try to take things one day at a time. His behavior is causing this.  not you. none of this is your fault.  It's his but, unfortunately, you have to cope with the situation.

Do you have access to a therapist or someone you can talk to? Do you know how to seek out resources that might be free in your area?Maybe through school?  (sorry. I missed your age) 

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My "father" was also a deadbeat. I cut him out of my life the day I turned 18 and haven't seen him since. He was not invited to my wedding and has not met his grandchildren.

And I don't regret it. I feel zero guilt. Why? Because I was a CHILD and that deadbeat didn't even care if I ate or had clothes. He didn't care about me, so why should I care about him?

No, I do not want to reconcile before the geezer dies. Again, HE is the one who destroyed our relationship, not me. 

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Please know you didn't do this, he did. You were a good daughter and he chose to walk away from you. 

As for your brother, he is free to make his own choices but he doesn't get to dictate yours.

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I understand you don't want to be like him and "abandon" him. He's not an innocent child. He's a grown man that refuses to be a normal loving father/human being. There's a difference right?

Standing up for yourself, having the self worth to say no to him is the most healthiest, and one of the biggest steps towards healing you could ever take.

Edited by smackie9
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Don't reach out to the very person that hurt you and expect them the heal you.

It's one thing if he apologizes.  Genuine apologies do not have any expectations or strings attached.  

He is a sperm donor.  Not a father.  Fathers earn their place by their consistency, involvement, patience and love.  He's done none of this.  

If you don't have a lot of practice setting boundaries it's common to feel guilty until which time you get good at it. 

I'll assume he carries alot of guilt and it's common for the guilty to project that on to others.  It's not surprising you now feel guilty.  He'd rather you carry it around so he doesn't have to.  

Don't let your brother sway you.  You make your own choices based on your own comfort level, period.  And you don't need to defend your reasons why.

Edited by reinventmyself
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22 hours ago, rchubn said:

When I verbalized that I was struggling with everything and needed to take everything slowly, he completely went off on me

He's had two chances.  You have been plenty generous.  Why put yourself through his abusive BS?  You don't owe him anything.  And even if you were the best kid in the world, he still would have been a deadbeat.  So, stop beating yourself up about it too.

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