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confusing messy end


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7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Now you get it. It stings, but you will probably start accepting it more now. 

Yes in a strange way I do get it now

 

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is OK, that means you entered "bargaining" stage of grief. You felt like you could affect the outcome, if only you reached how everything should be OK. Now you know that you cant, and can slowly work toward acceptance of that. And now you also know why "NC" rule exists, and how its better to just leave some things. And again, she cheated on you with multiple men and lied to you about that. Think about that when you maybe think how you should get back to her and want to contact her again. I know  its not easy. And that in the process you might even get depressed(one of the stages of grief also) but again, its OK, work slowly toward acceptance and moving on.

The stage of being depressed I do not look forward to. How have you dealt with that particular stage before? What helped you?

 

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Please do NOT meet up with her for "closure".  I mean really, do you want to her to look you directly in the eye and tell you she doesn't love you?  How would that make things better?

Yes, you're hoping she'll see you and change her mind.  But she already knows what you look like and she chose to confirm the breakup anyway.  Seeing you in person, no matter how spiffed up you get and how "positive and light" you try to act, isn't going to change the outcome.

Now you know...do not contact her anymore.  Put her number in your phone as "NO DON'T" so you'll see it the next time you think the one who broke up with you is the one who will make you feel better.

Focus on moving forward, not backward.

Boltnrun- no I will not be meeting her at all. It was foolish of me to even reach out. I half expected a response like this and guess with some of the mixed signals from when we last saw eachother it needed to happen. Our messages did finish that we would meet Thursday and she left it for me to message her a time and place. 
I will message her in a few days and just say ‘on reflection I don’t think we should meet’

I will leave it at that. And then honestly I will never make contact with her again. Her words cut deep - and those who have had similar are the only ones who know the thoughts and feelings that dwell within. As hard as it is I know I have no choice but to move forward.

6 hours ago, Andrina said:

No matter if you acted distant. If she wasn't happy with you for that, a decent woman would end the relationship, not engage in flirting and exchanging numbers with another man. Those are her ethics which aren't likely to change. Let time and distance do its work and envision next spring, when it will be time for new beginnings and your brain will be thinking with far better clarity. 

Andrina - your words are so true and when I remind myself of that the emotion I feel is anger. More at myself for attempting to reconcile with a woman who has done these things to me. One day - I believe I will see this as what it is - someone who wasn’t mature enough to end a relationship and the fact she strung me along. 
 

I appreciate your replies especially today. I’ve felt very low and foolish for reaching out but what’s done is done. I will not be making that mistake anymore. My ex was a part of my old chapter and I have many more chapters that are yet to be written. 
my motto in life is ‘life is too short’ I want to repair myself from this and look at doing ‘me’ for the foreseeable future. 
 

 

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38 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I will message her in a few days

Why wait a few days? Are you still "hoping"? All waiting will do is give you a few more days to build up false hope and convince yourself she wants to meet up to reconcile or because she still loves you and wants to be with you. Why do that to yourself? Why not tell her today?

I'm sure you can think of a bunch of excuses why you "can't" tell her today, but none of them are in your own self interest. You gotta think about what's best for you.

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Guest Anonymous
3 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

My ex was a part of my old chapter and I have many more chapters that are yet to be written. 

I had a slightly different situation happen to me but the outcome was the same. This right here is why I can’t wait to be done with the rut I’m in now. 
My problem is that I look back at all the good times and the positives and I miss it. I am drawing the conclusion that I should look forward to those positives and the longer I’m stuck on someone that won’t give me them, the longer it’ll take for me to experience them again. If it’s not the next girl, it’ll be the next, or the next.
I care about my ex and I want to hear that “I made a mistake” text but to be perfectly honest, I’d rather not hear from her. Not because I don’t want to be with her in the moment but because I want her to feel that “positive” too.  
You sound like I feel and the only thing stopping me from breaking down is what you said, above. We’re both doing well. Keep that *** up. 

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Why wait a few days? Are you still "hoping"? All waiting will do is give you a few more days to build up false hope and convince yourself she wants to meet up to reconcile or because she still loves you and wants to be with you. Why do that to yourself? Why not tell her today?

I'm sure you can think of a bunch of excuses why you "can't" tell her today, but none of them are in your own self interest. You gotta think about what's best for you.

Boltnrun - you were right. Why I was waiting I don’t know. It makes no difference so I messaged her today saying on reflection I don’t want to meet.

It’s done. Time to start healing and moving on

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1 minute ago, Rambo_Zee said:

Boltnrun - you were right. Why I was waiting I don’t know. It makes no difference so I messaged her today saying on reflection I don’t want to meet.

It’s done. Time to start healing and moving on

Good for you. 

You've got your own closure now, which is the best way to go. It will hurt for a while. But you will move through that, too. Just be patient with yourself, and expect that you will have ups and downs. And then the ups will start to outnumber the downs. 

Be kind to yourself in the process. 

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9 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

The stage of being depressed I do not look forward to. How have you dealt with that particular stage before? What helped you?

 

Its not the same for everyone, it might or might not hit you. You will maybe find that you want to isolate yourself, get sad, have bad thoughts about your life etc. For me, I "pushed" myself. Meaning that it would be easy for me to give up on my thoughts and just stay home in my free time and just listen to some music or watch something on TV or computer. But I pushed myself out of my comfort zone at the time and gone to my practice, or gone to watch the football game with friends, or just going out for a drink with them etc. As much as it was inconvinient at the time, I occupied myself in that way and not thought about the break up. After a while you realize that life goes on as it should.

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Well today has been a day of ups and downs. Thankfully I had a gym class and feel better after it.

im sat here at home just thinking about what am I missing. I’m trying to figure out if it’s her I’ve been missing or the company. 
when I think about what’s happened I know there is no way we could rekindle things. Too much has happened.

She did respond to my message where I said on reflection I don’t want to meet up with just an ‘ok’ I didn’t even open it. Just deleted it straight out.

I have been thinking about what she said yesterday. I know by her message she has been doing fine and still thinks breaking up was right. Reading the words ‘at the end of the day we both deserve someone who makes us feel loved and secure. That was a cheap shot. I’ve been trying for so many months. She’s the one who went and served attention from elsewhere.

i know some of you will say just forget it and move on. But of course I’m going to think of that sentence. Just curious on other people’s views on it

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4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

But of course I’m going to think of that sentence. Just curious on other people’s views on it

I don't think she put that much thought into that one sentence, honestly. 

You already know she's been checking out someone else. She wants the same for you, someday. You weren't right for each other and she just feels you both need to move on so you can find the better matches. 

That's all. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thought I’d post a little update for anyone that posted on here before.

been a couple of weeks, still have the ex in my thoughts. Sleep is better. Day to day life is better. Still having passing thoughts of my ex and sometimes this can last for a while.

still a process of ‘getting over’ the breakup which I ultimately know will be time. It’s definitely a wound that needs to heal without being picked at.

I have started to take off the rose tinted glasses - to remove her from the pedestal I had her on. I realise I was unhappy myself for quite a while. I stayed as I was hoping naïvely things would go back to being good. 
 

I miss the companionship a lot. She lived at mine for two years. That’s some getting used to though I do enjoy me time again slowly. As I said my sleep is improving…though I do still dream about her from time to time. Had a weird as dream I was being chased up a tree by a wild boar last night 😕

I have had no intention of reaching out to her so don’t worry. I feel foolish doing that a few weeks ago and certainly won’t burn my hand again.

 

hopefully next time I write on here I’ll be further along the healing process

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So I’ve been thinking lately about how I’m truly feeling. And granted people on a forum who don’t know me can’t tell me that - but perhaps their stories or similar experiences when shared will shed some light.

 

I look back over my relationship with my ex. In the beginning it was amazing, chilled, the getting to know eachother phase and hanging out doing fun stuff. My earliest memory of things going wrong was when she lied about a guy texting her. I ended it but went back. Fast forward a few months and something very similar happened ( as I think I’ve explained before in my post )

I realise around this point the trust was non-existent. I was unhappy and started to think about dating other people, would I be happier etc etc I became distant from her, I lost respect for her and became at times cold, snappy and would feel irritable around her.

now talking/writing that it makes me realise I was not happy yet I still stayed. I’ve touched on some abandonment issues from being a child ( mum and dad got divorced and my dad was always letting us down ) so whether I have this thing with relationships that I want them to work no matter what and don’t like the thought of them failing? That’s a possibility.

 

ultimately for a long time me and my ex were not inlove. I can see that. Did covid play a part?!? I’m sure it did being stuck in.

though what I have felt the biggest struggle to be since her our split is the confusion around my own feelings. Putting her on a pedestal when I’ve had conversations with friends going back months before we split saying I wasn’t happy. That we never see eachother etc etc so I was clearly unhappy yet stayed. I can say I do have feelings for her. I know I do love her though I’ve been thinking whether I was inlove with her?

 

I think whether I miss the companionship more than I actually miss her as a person. 
 

has anyone else ever been like this after a breakup? Where they truly don’t know if they miss the person or the companionship?

I don’t think of her constantly. Im slowly rebuilding myself and moving on with my life. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Haven’t posted in a while. Been concentrating on me.

life is quite hectic. Going for a promotion in work. Training few times a week. Was involved in a bike accident…so yeah lots to go on with.

mind space has been much better. Rose tinted glasses is finally off. Not fully over the ex but wasn’t expecting to just snap out. It’s only been NC for 5/6 weeks. Fleeting thoughts to her etc though that’s normal. My headspace is not filled up with her as much as it was when the breakup was raw.

 

found out from a work colleague/mate tonight he saw my ex in town last night at a club. 
he didn’t realise it was my ex until he was showing this girls Instagram page to another work mate who met my ex.

Anyhow turns out she was ‘getting’ into some guy, my work colleague said he almost got into her but ended up with her friend instead.

 

how do I feel about this? We aren’t together I know so she can do what she wants. Prides a little dented…which I know is my ego. My ex was never into clubbing or the partying scene when we were together and now she’s at a student night with her student mate. 
 

Has anyone else ever found out news about there ex? How did it make them feel? I’m still unsure how I feel about it really. I haven’t cried. I wouldn’t say I’m particular upset. I’ve asked my work colleague if he’s pursing anything with my ex’s friend regardless of what happens I don’t want any updates. No news and not to be informed of anything to do with my ex. 
 

quite frankly I don’t want to know. I’m haven’t been checking up on any of her social media and don’t intend to.

 

 

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Excellent decision. You don't need someone tattling to you about what your ex is doing. You have much better things to think about and do.

People had tried to update me about my ex. I told them the same thing. He had wanted them to tell him what I was doing so I asked them to not do that either. I finally made the decision to cut off contact with his sister, his niece and his nephew so I wouldn't have any connections to him. In my case my ex is toxic, so why stay connected?

I think you are doing fine. Onward and upward!

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I think everything you are experiencing is normal.  You've come so far and have admitted some pretty honest things about yourself and your part in the ending of this relationship.

Sometimes it's not the actual person we are yearning for.  Having been the one left behind does damage to our egos.  We think that them merely wanting us back somehow validates us and makes us whole again.  As if when she left she took a little part of you .  You don't want her back, in sense.   You want that little part of yourself that will make you ok again.  The beauty of this, you don't need her to validate you or make you whole again.  That comes from you if you choose to look at it differently.  And by the looks of it, you are well on your way.

Hearing updates on her and having some reaction to it is normal too.  Don't attach too much meaning to that.  It just cracks open that door to relive some past memories.

Remember, no one is all bad.  You will both carry fond memories of each other and those memories will revisit at times.  Not to be confused with some sign that she was the one.

Head high.

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