confusing messy end

[Rambo_Zee]

Please understand this is a long read

 

Hi all,

 

Met a women 2.5 years ago through the gym classes we did. We hit it off from the go - started seeing eachohter knowing she was going away for a month travelling. We kept in contact daily. We met up on her return and it blossomed from there.

 

Fast forward 2.6 years. We’ve had our ups and downs as most relationships do. Covid didn’t help. She’s lived with me for the last 2 years occasionally going back to her dads who lives 15 minute walk away.

I won’t go into the ins and outs of every argument, fall out etc but for a duration I questioned the relationship - was I truly happy. Were we right together.

 

The last 3/4 months Ive been trying for the relationship. One of her hobbies ( she’s a dancer ) meant she was performing at gigs and festivals every weekend. which was the polar opposite to my hours. I work standard mon-fri 8-5

With hobbies etc we were lucky if we had one full day together on the weekends ( usually a sunday )

during the weeks we might ‘see’ each other for an hour or two on the evenings between cooking/eating/hobbies etc ( we cooked separately due to her being vegan and myself not )

 

Anyhow it got to the point intimacy took a back burner in our relationship. no cuddles, no affection it just dwindled. Such a sharp contrast on how things used to be between us.

 

I was raising with her for a while about how we never spend time together anymore. All I was asking for is the odd weekend where we can do some fun stuff and spend some quality time together. I kept being told its money and she enjoys it.

 

Two weeks ago she went to a festival for the whole weekend. On the build up to this weekend we had our first date night - sat there at the restaurant she didn’t seem interested in listening to me talking. Eyes were wandering around the room or to the TV behind me.

We had a frank conversation that night where I asked her whether she was still involve with me….she said she didn’t know.

 

Whilst away at this festival Curiosity had gotten the better of me. Her laptop was left behind and I went on it. At this point call it a gut feeling or basically I just didn’t understand why she had been so cold to me of late.

I found a message in her deleted folder ( on notes ) it was a conversation between her and the manager at one of these gigs she attended every weekend. The conversation crossed a boundary past that of just friends. Talking in depth about what they want from a relationship - subjects like what makes hot sex etc.

It was ended where this guy said drinks will happen when the time is right and he would reply to her response soon.

 

Needless to say I was devastated - I took screenshots and spoke to some close friends. My friends are level headed - they tried to say the conversation had over stepped a line yet to this point it was clear his intentions yet not hers. By his style of writing and the words he was using it was clear to myself and my friends he was saying everything she wanted to hear basically.

 

Anyhow on her return we met up - I had written her a letter. We sat down and I asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me. That all cards needed to be on the table and now is the time for honesty. She said ‘no’

I gave her the letter to read. At the end of the letter I said about how I found this message.

 

We spoke for hours. She said he was just a friend. She understands it crossed a line.With asking more questions I found out he admitted he liked her. I asked what her response was and she said to him she thought he was good looking.

This hurt, like very deep though we continued to talk for hours. Diving into the relationship and being what I thought was vulnerable around one another.

 

At one point it seemed to click - for the first time in so long she listened to me, she acted and started responding. She became affectionate, started suggesting plans and we could do this and that. Would start off slow. The times we would meet would just be to go on cool dates and bring the fun back into us.

 

AS I dropped her home feeling like a million bucks something just didn’t sit right with me.

AS she got out the car I reminded her that her bag was in the boot -  asked her if she would show me these messages between her and this guy….I needed to see with my own eyes that there was nothing else to it.

She looked nervous, asked if I was sure and I was.

AS she opened her phone she said there was something she needed to tell me. That this festival she had just returned from she had gotten this guys number.

She opened the message to this guy.

My heart sank - it read

“hey, meeting you was the highlight of my weekend”

They had sent other messages to one another but by this point it was like a blur.

At this point her phone was in my hand - I went onto the other messages from this guy who she had worked with and to my horror she had actually called him two days prior

“hey gorgeous are you free to talk or are you busy”

This was sent after she had left me and my friend at the pub to go home.

 

I was sat there. Speechless. Not knowing what was real or what was fake.

I said to her what was the last hour of time we had spent together? was it all fake?

She was crying her eyes out at this point. I said to her its fake tears - she was only crying as she was caught. 20 minutes prior she was holding my hand, laughing and joking yet all along she knew this.

I said to her giving her number out to this guy like 2 days ago the whole time I was her boyfriend. We were in a relationship together.

I asked her to tell these guys to get lost if they meant nothing and she refused ‘ she didn’t want to be rude’

She tried to hug me yet I was not interested. I was NUMB! I didn’t know what to say or do and asked her to get out the car.

 

I messaged her that evening just asking what the actual F**K

 

She replied she was sorry. She was seeking something in these situations that she felt she wasn’t getting from our relationship. That she didn’t know why she had done those things and she needed time.

That she had felt something today she hadn’t felt in such a long time with me and had hope we could sort things out.

 

Fast forward a week. WE had sent a few texts ( I checked in first ) and she said we needed to talk things through.

 

Ill try keep this short as its already a huge essay. But meeting her I opted up to her, for two hours I sat there whilst she picked me apart. How she felt a lot had happened in the relationship - how I pushed her away etc

and finally it got to the point she said she wasn’t involve with me anymore and didn’t think the feelings would come back.

I questioned why she allowed me to sit there for two hours pouring my heart out to her in a sense if all along she knew it was over. I got up said to her that was low and walked out saying someone would drop her stuff round to her.

 

I deleted her number, off all social media. I packed her stuff up and my best friend dropped her stuff round to her at her dads the next day.

My friend off his own back said to her what she had done was out of order, That I had been talking to him for months saying I wanted to save the relationship etc and a few other things.

He said she was sniffly and seemed like she was going to cry.

She asked how I was and e replied ‘he’s doing ok, he’s deleted your number and off social media so he can start to move on’

 

I had to message her dad that evening as I needed his van to collect the huge TV that was hers.

He replied with a note from my ex listing things I had missed.

a plant from my room

a plant from the conservatory

a single dvd

a blanket.

Earlier that day I had returned around 15/20 bags of her stuff.

It cut deep she was so petty about the few remaining bits I had honestly over looked.

 

That was 7 days ago. I have not spoken to her or heard from her. Im a mixture of emotions. I very extremely low, down, upset, angry , confused.

 

I have gone through breakups before and understand its time. But Im just hurting so much. I thought I would vent to a degree on here.

I feel betrayed. My confidence is shattered. I feel a shadow of my former self.

Sleep has become non-existent. Ive only just recently started to get my appetite back.

 

She has left a little family behind. I have a dog and she became his mummy. He’s been totally lost himself as she has just vanished from his life which is hard to witness him being sad.

 

Im struggling with processing my feelings. There will be unanswered questions I will never know the answers to. She has clearly been checked out of this relationship for so long. I understand people fall out of love - but to drag me through the thick of it. To grow close to another guy and give your number our freely to other guys.

Whilst at this festival she had phoned me up to see how I was doing etc.

 

Im just very confused. I don’t know what was real and what was fake. This person was in my life for 2.5 years and now they’re gone. Im feeling lonely currently as she lived with me. I miss her and think Im  fool for missing someone who could treat me like this.

 

I know I need to move on. I need to let go but boy its hard. The stupid part of me is hopeful. Hopeful she will come back. I wonder if its pride or my confidence talking.

I know if she did trying to move past what has happened is damned near impossible. There would be no trust from my end at all.

 

I guess deep down it hurts - knowing I’ve been kicked to the curb and she is probably with this guy she was talking to behind my back.

 

family and friends have said good riddance as some of you may also say…..but I can tell you its not that easy. I do love this women and I just feel like I need a miracle to pick myself back up from this. No contact has been 8 days yet I feel like I have relapsed today 😞 

 

[Kwothe28]

I can tell you that all you experienced is very standard for cheating. Promises of change, seemingly getting their act together while continuing to do the same, getting caught again and then gaslight and transfering the blame to other side, all standard cheaters stuff. I am sorry that happened, especially sorry about the doggo being sad too. But your friends and family are right, good ridance. You could have spend more time with somebody who would lie to you, going on trips and cheat on you there with multiple men, and then blame you that she is feeling unloved. While she would pretend everything is fine. Like this, in time you will move on and find somebody who isnt gona do stuff like that and really love you. Its not your fault that she is like that, its hers, dont blame yourself for it. Its not easy and still fresh so ofcourse it hurts. But eventually you will work your way toward accpetance and moving on. Take care.

[lostandhurt]

4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

She said he was just a friend

First line out of the cheater handbook when caught.

4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I asked her to tell these guys to get lost if they meant nothing and she refused ‘ she didn’t want to be rude’

They mean more to her than you or the relationship does.

4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

She replied she was sorry. She was seeking something in these situations that she felt she wasn’t getting from our relationship. That she didn’t know why she had done those things and she needed time.

That she had felt something today she hadn’t felt in such a long time with me and had hope we could sort things out.

Gaslighting you hoping to deceive you into thinking everything is okay so she can go back to fooling around but have you as a back up plan and security.

4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I sat there whilst she picked me apart. How she felt a lot had happened in the relationship - how I pushed her away etc

Classic cheater, blame the victim and not take any responsibility for their actions and lies.

4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

It cut deep she was so petty about the few remaining bits I had honestly over looked.

This is because you are the bad guy in her eyes so she doesn't feel so bad about cheating on you.  You are the villain and nobody cries when the villain gets killed even if he is unarmed. 

4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

Whilst at this festival she had phoned me up to see how I was doing etc.

Cheaters often do this to check in so you don't catch on. They also do it to make sure you are home and not going to surprise them where ever they happen to be or said they were.

 

What you are feeling is shock, disbelief, anger, betrayal, sadness, embarrassment and loneliness.  All very common so don't beat yourself up about it.  Mourn the loss of the relationship but remember you are missing the woman you thought she was, not the woman she really was. You fell for her and so you saw what you wanted to see.  It happens to everyone.

 You did all the right things under the circumstances so hold your head high on that front. From the timeline you described she was messing around for several months at least with one guy.

I know this sucks but you need to accept that she cheated and lied to you for months.  She could have just broken up with you and moved back with her father but she chose to keep you in the dark and lie to you.  That isn't love, it is pure selfishness.   

You trusted your gut and it was right, don't forget that.  You are better off alone than with someone so deceitful and cruel.

 Lost

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I was raising with her for a while about how we never spend time together anymore. All I was asking for is the odd weekend where we can do some fun stuff and spend some quality time together. I kept being told its money and she enjoys it.

 

Two weeks ago she went to a festival for the whole weekend. On the build up to this weekend we had our first date night - sat there at the restaurant she didn’t seem interested in listening to me talking. Eyes were wandering around the room or to the TV behind me.

We had a frank conversation that night where I asked her whether she was still involve with me….she said she didn’t know.

I'm sure, between the 2 of you, you knew things were not going too smoothly, for a while.

Too much was clashing, right?  I guess it was affecting her as well.

So, she either reached out and/or accepted another's interest.

Now, she has been found out!  And what hurts is to be led on.. when it's basically 'fake'.  I know, it hurts 😕 .

You need to be easy on yourself and give it time.

It does take time to process it all.  And no, don't 'expect' anything more re: closure.  You won't get what it is you want from her end.

Just be respectful and remain distant. Then you can both work on this mess on your own.

 

It just didn't work out, things became complicated.  And she just should have admitted from her end, things didn't feel right anymore.. and just ended things, before going anywhere with someone else.

One day at a time.  TC, get your rest and yes, do eat.

In time this will ease off.. day by day.

 

[Rambo_Zee]

Appreciate the replies.

 

yes it’s just the sense of confusion currently and adjusting to this person suddenly being gone.

I know she had checked out the relationship long ago. The signs point to that - as to why she dragged me through this I will never know.

 

The sneaking around and going behind my back is a new sensation for me. The way it’s knocked my confidence and has made me question myself sucks. It’s hard not to take it personally especially whilst she still lived at mine. We had only gone on holiday for a few days back in the beginning of September.

 

She has all her belongings back and clearly has no intentions of ever speaking to me again. I’m just left here to pick up the pieces.

 

ok pity post over…sorry guys. Just have my down moments 😞

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

 whilst she still lived at mine. 

She has all her belongings back  

😞

Sorry this is happening. Did she live with her father and stay with you? 

Otherwise it seems odd she could just pack up and leave. So she wasn't on the lease?

Keep in mind that this betrayal is all about her. That she was just camping out at your place rather than committed to actually living together was the first red flag. The other red flags were her "hobbies".

What exactly is a dancer at festivals in terms of hobbies or gigs. Did she have a real job?

[Rambo_Zee]

Hi wiseman. Basically she moved in during covid.

she did help out towards rent as as when. She was at uni for a while and then dropped out at the beginning of this year as became depressed and couldn’t cope.

she would go to her dads now and again to spend time with him but these were odd evenings. Over the last few months due to the lateness of her gigs etc she would head home and stay there.

she floated around for a while doing some shifts here and there. Took on a job at a pub which again meant our time together suffered.

she is a semi professional samba dancer so these gigs were paid ones. 

We had discussions about her getting a full time job though every time I raised it she wouldn’t really interact. She clearly wasn’t ready to get a place together although this time last year we were both saving to buy a place together.

 

looking back yes there were red flags. During the height of lockdown I too was struggling and too a point I went distant. I’m in a very stressful job and worked throughout the lockdowns ( nhs )

at times she would speak to me about problems and how she was feeling though it was never good communication. It was her simply directing everything at me. How I made her feel like this. I made her feel like that. I’m chipping away at her etc

I know sometimes my patience isn’t the best. But the things I would say to her is basic stuff. The washing wasn’t put on. Cups,plates had been left around all day.

it felt like after a busy day I would come home to just mess and she didn’t seem bothered by it.

 

at points I questioned if this is what I really wanted. Was I truly happy? Would I be happier elsewhere? I think for a while I switched off. Disengaged as I just didn’t know myself.

ultimately I helped in pushing her away and I’m carrying a lot of blame guilt for this. That if I wouldn’t of did what I did then she would never of gone distant herself.

 

im very confused at the moment and struggling to figure out just what was I feeling and why did I not put more effort in. I wonder if it’s because she is no longer here I have regrets?

either way I know I’ve been fighting for months. Trying to get her to put aside at least one weekend in a month so we could spend time together. I could see we were drifting further and further apart and nothing I could say or do seemed to matter.

it sucks when someone you were once so close with doesn’t seem interested anymore. Never makes time for you. Affection and intimacy was non existent.

just the betrayal that she was talking to this guy behind my back and then this other guy at the festival hurt. The morning of the festival she left and gave me hugs and said she loved me. But clearly that was rubbish as that evening she was enjoying this other guy ( now I have asked her if anything physical ever happened with to see guys and she said no)

 

im just unsure how to move on currently. I’m hurting yes. A massive void has appeared. I don’t know what’s true or fake.shes walked away leaving our little family behind and hasn’t looked back.

im not perfect. Far from it. But I’am a decent guy who has a lot to give to the right people.

I can be very self critical in life ( previous managers have said so ) so obviously in this situation I’m reflecting on all I didn’t do.

I know it’s not healthy and it’s a trait of mine that needs work.

in time things will get easier. Just the journey to recovery seems an extremely long one currently.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

I knowow it’s not healthy and it’s a trait of mine that needs work.

Well ok. First of all her real home was her father's house. She was just camping out there but with no rights or security.

Secondly you started treating her like the help. Then you started micromanaging her life, career,etc.

It sounds like you became quite overbearing.

However. She should have just moved out when you started all that rather than slither around with other guys.

Next time seek out someone compatible and don't try to rearrange who they are, try to fix them or nag about not keeping your place tidy enough.

You treated her as an inferior and next time skip that. It won't guarantee fidelity, but you'll get along a lot better if you are not this controlling and condescending.

[Rambo_Zee]

See I have to disagree with you there. I didn’t try to rearrange who they were. If months prior we were both saving for a house and then she drops out of uni and doesn’t seem to have drive or the want to get a job…I was simply talking about what is she planning on doing? Is she looking for work or will she go back to uni after covid?

 

I should of added she is very muddy-cuddle by her parents. In this I mean they will drop whatever they are doing for her.

she does not drive. Her parents will take her anywhere. They will take her too and from work. Drop her off to hobbies and gigs. She does get the bus occasionally but more often than not her mum will start her job later so she can take her to work.

my ex has no outgoings. Her mum still pays for her phone bill. She used to say to me paying me rent was silly because she could move back at home where her parents doesn’t charger her rent.

 

as it turns out she mentioned to me whilst we were still together/in contact she wants to go to Brazil for 3 months to dance. 
 

I realise people change and in the end we were not compatible. We had different directions we wanted to go down.

 

I always supported her in her choices. Going to uni, dropping out of uni. The fact I would talk to her about a job etc is because she was just coasting through life with no direction.

I supported her dance, I would just explain how I was feeling about the fact we never spend time together.

 

 

[Rambo_Zee]

The fact is this woman said she no longer has feelings towards me and doesn’t think they will come back.

 

that’s a bitter pill to swallow. My feelings are strong. And I’ve been fighting a losing battle. It cuts deeper than most can understand when you’re infront of the person you’re inlove with. How do you even begin to repair yourself?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Rambo_Zee said:

It cuts deeper than most can understand when you’re infront of the person you’re inlove with. How do you even begin to repair yourself?

In my experience - time. Lots of it. And patience with yourself as you heal. 

I'm really sorry you're going through this, OP. Any of us who have been in your shoes can well understand how you feel, and it's tough. It does get better, but you will need time and total No Contact to get there. 

[Rambo_Zee]

Hey ‘Misscanuck’

as soon as I left hers after she told me I deleted her number and removed her from my social media. So I have no way of reaching out to her.

Time seems to be the answer yes. I know it’ll get easier it’s just raw currently. 
 

thank you for your words

[Rose Mosse]

Keep doing what you're doing and don't contact her. Ignore any messages or calls coming from her. Jumping from gig to gig or not having a lot of stability in her life, dropping out of school, not contributing regularly to your rent together or being on the lease, looking to other men or people to fill the void, please put her garbage words where they belong. This has nothing to do with you. It's an unhappy person not at rest with life in general, finding what's most convenient at any given time. 

Maybe the sex was extraordinary at the start. You kept confronting her about her cheating and infidelity although I don't see why this was necessary. It ended up causing you more pain and hurt. She should have been told to move back out as soon as you found those messages. No letters or confrontation would have changed the situation that has already happened. 

I hope you heal and move forward resolutely and with courage. 

[Rambo_Zee]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Keep doing what you're doing and don't contact her. Ignore any messages or calls coming from her. Jumping from gig to gig or not having a lot of stability in her life, dropping out of school, not contributing regularly to your rent together or being on the lease, looking to other men or people to fill the void, please put her garbage words where they belong. This has nothing to do with you. It's an unhappy person not at rest with life in general, finding what's most convenient at any given time. 

Maybe the sex was extraordinary at the start. You kept confronting her about her cheating and infidelity although I don't see why this was necessary. It ended up causing you more pain and hurt. She should have been told to move back out as soon as you found those messages. No letters or confrontation would have changed the situation that has already happened. 

I hope you heal and move forward resolutely and with courage. 

Hi Rose Mosse,

 

Looking back I don't know why it was necessary confronting her. Guess I was hoping to see remorse , to see there was some fight in her for us which is what Ive been longing for so long.

 

Don't worry I do not plan on making contact with her - Im no where near in a place where I could speak with her let alone face her, and as mentioned in a previous post she will not reach out - she concluded as much when she had a list of her belongings I had missed when they were returned.

She also used to say to me she never went back to any Exes so I don't think I need to worry about her making contact. She clearly checked out a long time ago and doesn't want me in her life....mean she basically said as much by saying there were no feelings and she doubted they would come back.

 

I just need to heal, and have found some comfort in writing my experience on here and reading responses from strangers funnily enough

[Rose Mosse]

35 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

Looking back I don't know why it was necessary confronting her. Guess I was hoping to see remorse , to see there was some fight in her for us which is what Ive been longing for so long.

It just prolongs the issue and more drama as you know the answers already - she is not faithful, loyal, dedicated to the relationship. Trust your instincts more, without having to keep asking the other person to prove their loyalty to you. I think it's destructive in the long term. If she had been able to manipulate you further or if other messages didn't come through, then would you have continued the relationship despite all the other issues that concerned you earlier? 

This will pass in time and you'll grow more confident in yourself too. I would treat this as a learning experience and also stay away from individuals who all over the place or don't add to your life in a positive or stable way. 

 

[Rambo_Zee]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

It just prolongs the issue and more drama as you know the answers already - she is not faithful, loyal, dedicated to the relationship. Trust your instincts more, without having to keep asking the other person to prove their loyalty to you. I think it's destructive in the long term. If she had been able to manipulate you further or if other messages didn't come through, then would you have continued the relationship despite all the other issues that concerned you earlier? 

This will pass in time and you'll grow more confident in yourself too. I would treat this as a learning experience and also stay away from individuals who all over the place or don't add to your life in a positive or stable way. 

 

Yes if I had looked at the messages and there was nothing there I most likely would of continued with things as at this point she was telling me what I wanted to hear. Also I’ve come to realise I do have an insecurity about being lonely. 

 

looking back our first ever fall out was over her lying about a guy messaging her. Turns out it was an ex and it was totally innocent but it raised why she would lie about something when it was nothing. I think from then trust was rocked. Then further down the line rears another guy whom I saw messages over her should one time. Weeks later he messaged her when I was next to her and she said it was a friend. Showed me her phone yet the majority of the messages were deleted. It was only the previous two days that were there not the last two weeks. She said it was just a friend. Few days later came clean it was someone she used to sleep with.

 

clearly she has an issue with being honest. I have been questioning myself why did I stick around, feelings yes but I guess in some ways I didn’t want to be on my own perhaps.

all of this has hit home quite big today especially that she is never coming back. She clearly got close to guy.

It’s helpful being on here and getting peoples views and the fact some have been through recent experiences they have an understanding of the thoughts and conflicting thoughts that run through my mind.

 

im throwing myself into fitness. I’m back to eating healthy and just need my sleep to return ( still waking with her on my brain ) it’s funny how I’m wasting so much energy and thoughts on someone who discarded me. The human mind/heart works in funny ways. I’m certainly not rushing into anything with anyone for a while. I finally realise I need to work on me. I need to be happy with myself. All this has made me question so much and knocked my confidence in myself. 

[Rambo_Zee]

One thing I think about. When I first saw the messages after asking to look at her phone. I so wish I told her to ‘fu*k off’ I feel at least I would of held onto some dignity.

im realising I’m upset over someone who was basically cheating on me. 
 

I feel like a mug, letting her walk all over me. Guess least I walked away in the end. I made sure she got all her belongings back

[lostandhurt]

Rambo

First off you need to stop taking any of the blame for her cheating.  She didn't become distant because of anything you did, she became distant because that is who she is.  I would bet that if you talked to her ex's they would tell a very similar story to yours.

She was lazy, unmotivated and a user of people.  She basically was just cruising through life doing as little as possible. 

  She could see that the free ride was coming to an end and started looking for her next victim.

  I have been where you are now looking back trying to figure out what you could have done differently but in the end it wasn't you, it was all her choices.

  Go through the stages of grief and take care of yourself.  Getting healthy mind and body is a very good start.  Reconnect with old friends and family so you do not go through this alone.

Keep posting, it will help

Lost

[Rambo_Zee]

Lostandhurt’ it’s hard not taking blame. I know at some point I went distant myself. And the last interaction we had she basically brought up all the stuff that’s happened in our relationship and how it still weighed heavily on her mind.

 

sleep was not great last night. Dreamt of her again. I seem to be up and down - one minute I realise I hat she has done and how she went behind my back. That she didn’t fight for us.

other times I think I also went distant. So did she feel this at one point? And it’s my karma 😞

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

 That she didn’t fight for us.

😞

Sorry this is happening. There was nothing to "fight for". The relationship was fraught with problems.

It's sad to watch a relationship die in front of you. It should have ended long ago.

It doesn't excuse cheating. She should have simply ended it sooner.

[Rambo_Zee]

Actually really struggling today 😞

feel like I could break down. 
 

questioning am I really missing her or is it the situation ‘what I can’t have I want more’ I don’t think it’s the latter as I know I have feelings.

this sucks monumentally 

[Rambo_Zee]

Ok so had a low moment yesterday and contemplated reaching out to her. Thankfully I did not.

 

I try to remind myself she called time on the relationship. Yes the next day I gave all of her stuff back but that was the right thing to do right? She told me she wasn’t inlove with me anymore and didn’t think they would come back.

 

when I think about the fact she was able to call in mine the morning of the festival, give me a hug and kiss and grab a few of her belongings. Then she phoned me on the evening to ask about my day and what I’ve been up to. Then ends it with ‘I love you’

That very same night she met some guy and took his number. I saw the message she sent him on her return and it read like ‘ just to say the highlight of my weekend was meeting you’

this cut so deep with me. All I’ve wanted for months and months was to feel like she actually gave a damn. There was no effort from her. She didn’t seem bothered we hardly spent any time together. 
 

is it normal that I’m this low following a breakup like this? With all that happened. I remind myself she was sneaking behind my back messaging the guy from work. Speaking to him on the phone. Then this guy from the festival.

I can’t explain how that has affected my confidence and just my understanding of what was real and what wasn’t.

she still stayed round mine 95% of the time. It makes me wonder if I never found that message on her laptop just how long this would of gone on for.

im angry when I think about what she’s done. The hurt is indescribable. The one person you don’t expect to turns out to be the person who rips your heart out and makes you question everything 

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

is it normal that I’m this low following a breakup like this?

Of course. It would be strange if you didn't, actually. 

She behaved terribly. It's going to take some time to wrap your mind around, and accept that she is just not the person you thought you knew anymore. 

19 minutes ago, Rambo_Zee said:

Yes the next day I gave all of her stuff back but that was the right thing to do right?

Yes, because what other option was there? You cannot keep her belongings. 

[Rambo_Zee]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, because what other option was there? You cannot keep her belongings. 

It’s just what a friend said to me the other night. When he was asking if I’ve heard from her. He said fact I dropped her stuff back to her was a clear message we were done. I explained what other choice did I have after what she had told me.

 

I guess the part of me that has feelings still wonders if she would ever reach out. And why what he said I’m the one whose ended it. So not to expect any form of contact from her.

this is what I mean about questioning stuff. I wonder if deleting her from social media and deleting her number was right? Whether giving all her stuff back was right? But then ultimately if she did truly care she would reach out regardless. 
 

[boltnrun]

She didn't decide to break up with you because you gave her belongings back (didn't she ask you to? Were you supposed to say "NO!"?) or because you deleted her off social media.

You're in the denial/bargaining stage of grief. And your friend has no idea what he's talking about. Don't listen to him, he is not helpful.

What you're feeling is normal and OK. Please don't contact her unless you want her to reject you yet again. How would that be helpful?