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college boyfriend help


E Ol
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I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we just ended up at the same college. I love him and we've never really had problems in the past. I'm a varsity athlete and one of my contracts this fall is to stay sober (no drinking, no partying etc...). My boyfriend who's never been a big drinker in the past is going crazy, hanging with a group of people I dont vibe with (sober at least) and going out with them every night (outings that im not allowed to be at). I'm not concerned he's cheating or anything, but he keeps blowing me off the last moment, saying he'll hang with me then switching up. He also keeps saying he won't drink when he's with them, then drinks excessively when he shows up. I dont know if this is something I should try to change or address, considering I'm also upset I can't be at all these events. am I rightfully upset of should I chill out?

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You should be upset because you feel upset. 

But you can't change him.  You have to see him for what he is, not what he was.

He might not have been a big partier but he's enjoying that life now. 

If he's not going to make you a priority, don't make him one.

It sucks but sometimes you have to give back what people give to you. 

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My guess is he's going crazy with the new found freedom of being at college and hanging with like minded people and they are drinking together.  This should pass in time as the novelty wears off along with the hangovers.

If he cant or won't make time for you then you may need to move on.  Dont compromise your athletics in order to hang out with him and his buddies.

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7 hours ago, E Ol said:

 He also keeps saying he won't drink when he's with them, then drinks excessively when he shows up. I dont know if this is something I should try to change 

All you can change is not dating him. He's experiencing typical college life.

You've outgrown each other. You both need to be free from restraints.

Stop trying to control him. Start making friends through classes, clubs, groups, sports, etc.

Don't use a highschool BF as a security blanket. It's not your job to police his drinking or partying. It's your job to broaden your horizons and live your own life.

Enjoy your college life without the stress of being shackled to someone who would rather go his own way and enjoy his college life as he sees fit 

You as well need to go your own way and do what's best for you and start enjoying like minded people to be friends with.

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You need to have that conversation with him. Let him know that it's ok for him to go out and do stuff, but it's not ok the way he's been acting lately towards you. If he doesn't want to address things and make a few compromises, then you may have to get serious and breakup.

Edited by smackie9
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Some food for thought: most people change every 5 years - especially when they start going to college @ 18-22+ years of age. It’s a completely different ballgame in college compared to high school. You are at the age of forging new friendships/relationships and leaving the high school crowd behind. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19 years old and we are both very different people now (in our mid-late 30’s) than how we started. In fact we even broke up to date others and explore other opportunities because somewhere along the line (4 year dating in) our priorities changed. Our story of getting back together and marrying happens rarely. The changes in priorities and lifestyle are why some people don’t stay together for long. Some people even divorce after being married to someone for 20 years because one spouse’s priorities changed. You either learn to be flexible and accept the changes (or change with them willingly), or decide they are dealbreakers. To be honest here, alcoholism is a massive dealbreaker for serious relationships… I would not settle for it.


Trying to change your boyfriend - who is enjoying college life the way he sees fit for himself - will only backfire on you. It’s hard to say if he’s doing this because he’s enjoying the freedoms now and is “getting it out of his system” before preparing to settle for the adult world, or if he will stay a party boy and wind up becoming an alcoholic- so it wouldn’t be plausible advice to stick around and wait for him to “grow up” from the phase he’s in now. I’ve seen people like him end up on those mentioned separate paths. Just know that you chose to enroll in college athletics and accepted the guidelines for the program - he doesn’t have to do the same because you are doing it.

Edited by Snny
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13 hours ago, E Ol said:

he keeps blowing me off the last moment, saying he'll hang with me then switching up. He also keeps saying he won't drink when he's with them, then drinks excessively when he shows up. I dont know if this is something I should try to change or address, considering I'm also upset I can't be at all these events. am I rightfully upset of should I chill out?

I suspect he's using the drinking as an outlet for pressures going on and he doesn't want be judged by you. He doesn't want an argument to break out while he's with his friends and he knows you're not a big drinker either or might not have a good time. That's why you're not invited. You both might go your separate ways eventually because of your differences. 

Blowing you off or swapping you to hang out with his friends only tells me that he is not as interested or invested in this relationship as you, or as you would like to believe. Slow down and think about where this is going. Someone who doesn't value your time or hold his/her appointments, dates or plans is not a keeper. 

 

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I saw this many times when I was in college.  Someone who was a model student and teen gets to the college dorm, experiences freedom from parental supervision, and goes a bit wild.  One of my good friends in college did this.  She had been very closely watched by her parents her whole life, never had gone to a high school football game or dance, then moved into the dorm at college and went absolutely hog wild with drinking and hooking up with fraternity guys.

You can't "get" him to stop.  All you can do is express your thoughts and concerns and let him respond.  If he chooses to keep partying with other young women, you know that is his priority now and you'll have a decision to make.

I think it's great you are choosing to be sober and not participate in drinking or drugs.  You'll benefit way more from that than your boyfriend will from partying.

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He's a dude in college.. and many will do this.

YOU can only do so much... So, since you can't 'control him', maybe at least ask for a couple days/nights a week to have it just as you two.. No interruptions.

IF he can't/won't do this much, then be done with the guy, as obviously, he's pushing it too much and has lost himself.. and if not careful, you 😕 .

IF you are involved with someone, you do deserve some time spent together.

 

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