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Anyone else been single this long?


ignite
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I never was (if you mean was I not dating someone exclusively? but yes I was single meaning not engaged - for many years when I dated) but for me being fortunate or unfortunate was a very small part of it.  Most of the reason I wasn't meeting someone for an exclusive relationship had to do with me, my choices, how I spent my time, what/who I focused on. 

Part of it was luck and timing (as Charlotte in Sex and the City explains about meeting her first husband - his "taxi light was on" -referencing NYC taxis that you knew were available because they had their "available light" on and a person could hail the taxi to stop for them). 

I had my first serious relationship at age 15.  After that I think the longest I went without being in a serious relationship (until age 42, when I married) was one year although I dated a couple of people for a few months and someone 6 months steadily (but not exclusively).  But it was about 2 years at that time until I was in a long term serious relationship.  I felt very unfortunate to be in my 30s and without a child or husband - I felt sorry for myself on and off.  So I can relate in that way.  It was really painful at times because even without any Facebook or social media it was so incredibly in my face.  Especially as a single woman.  And having a successful intense career made it worse because I'd get labeled as a "career woman" who obviously didn't want a husband/kids.  That hurt too.  

I know of many people who were fortunate to be single for years.  Some because they didn't wish to be married and therefore getting involved would have been a mistake, some because they really did need to work on themselves to become the right person to find the right person. 

One of my best friends has now been single for about 6 years.  She's very happy that way.  No interest in dating. She's so attractive and fit and smart and lovely and feels so fortunate to be on her own.  I so respect her choices.  I love setting people up and still do it regularly and I never ask her if she wants to meet someone.  I know the answer and I love that she embraces her lifestyle just the way it is. I hear that you are unhappily single and again I think only a small part is "fortune" - you make your own choices.  I got in my own way for years of finding the right person.  I get it on that level if that is what is happening with you.

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In your previous thread, you mentioned this after the heartbreak or fall out with your last partner.

"There are some great women out there but I don't know how many more bad experiences and setbacks with dating I can take.  I'm not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes.  I just want to meet my equal.  That can't be too much to ask for but it seems, as a man I sense perhaps I don't have what it takes. "

Time out for awhile and spend some time on your own. It's healthy to take breaks or step back after a set back, re-evaluate. Continuing to pile on all this negativity plus have the intent to meet or date new people is just going to end up hurting you further. If what you're doing isn't working, change that. People want to associate with others who are upbeat, confident, know what they want and don't constantly talk themselves down with dialogue like above (in bold). You really need to get over this "unfortunate" business. Everyone is going through something but you push through and make it through out on the other side, the hard way or the long way and put in that work. 

If you are finding this insurmountable or impossible it is never a shameful thing to ask for help. Ask for help from doctors, qualified professionals, find counselling too. Good luck.

 

 

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31 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

There are some great women out there but I don't know how many more bad experiences and setbacks with dating I can take.  I'm not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes.  I just want to meet my equal.  That can't be too much to ask for but it seems, as a man I sense perhaps I don't have what it takes. "

it is too much to ask.  There are no guarantees much less of meeting "your equal" (what does that even mean to you?) I was only able to tolerate how incredibly difficult it was to meet the right person because marriage and family were one of my top life goals and it was a very short list.  But I never assumed I wasn't asking for much -I was!- or that there were any guarantees at all -there weren't.  But it was all worth it a thousand times over.  There are great people out there.  But the focus shouldn't be on "great" but "great for you in a long term relationship" -those two things might overlap but very often are not the same thing at all.  

Edited by Batya33
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Never had one and I'm 44.  At this point I don't know what to do anymore as far as meeting people.  The Meetups haven't been working.  Nobody wants to do anything outside of the events themselves.  Tried messaging people afterwards to tell them that I enjoyed talking with them and never hear back.  One did respond, however she is in a relationship already.

Edited by beatlesfan77
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21 hours ago, ignite said:

Just wondering if anyone else has been this unfortunate? 😔 

Honestly the only ones I know of who have been that "unfortunate" were ones who had unrealistic expectations in the dating realm and were unable/unwilling to give those expectations up.

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18 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Never had one and I'm 44.  At this point I don't know what to do anymore as far as meeting people.  The Meetups haven't been working.  Nobody wants to do anything outside of the events themselves.  Tried messaging people afterwards to tell them that I enjoyed talking with them and never hear back.  One did respond, however she is in a relationship already.

What kind of in person volunteer work are you doing or planning on doing?  What about hiking or running groups or outdoor yoga groups? Of course meeting other men who have friends or siblings or cousins to set you up with can work beautifully too.

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The common denominator is you. What have you done in those 6 years to enhance your life? New interests/activities? Social life/meeting new people? Self reflection/ self improvement? Pull up your boot straps and get at'er.

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I think as long as you focus on it not happening, the same things will continue. Regardless of the past, commonalities to the current time, this is your life.

You have to deal with it, cope with it, try to change it. Of course it's not as simple as just try to change... you have to dig in deep and keep trying every time. I'll say it again, every time.

I have been on a ton of one and done dates... some short term dating relationship (couple weeks to couple months) lately.  It's hard every time... but long term relationships that are healthy in all areas for both people are rare. They're special.

So stop acting like it should be easy.... of course when it is right, it kinda is... but life is a series of challenges and achievements.

Keep posting and venting but do something else, too. Don't let this be the end of the story. 

Keep working on yourself... enjoy the time you have with the good things.  let the things you don't have stew on the back burner.... no partner? no problem. fill your time with good times spent doing things you like with people you like or on your own.

It's not a crime to be single. Stop mourning!

Edited by Lambert
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On 10/2/2021 at 4:18 AM, ignite said:

This month marks 6 years since my last proper relationship (which was only a few months anyhow). Just wondering if anyone else has been this unfortunate? 😔 

About 11 years for me, as for 'unfortunate' I don't know it, just is what it is isn't it? It's partly down to me just not really having much to offer, but also partly down to me being cautious and emotionally withdrawn following a traumatic experience.

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1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I think as long as you focus on it not happening, the same things will continue. Regardless of the past, commonalities to the current time, this is your life.

You have to deal with it, cope with it, try to change it. Of course it's not as simple as just try to change... you have to dig in deep and keep trying every time. I'll say it again, every time.

I have been on a ton of one and done dates... some short term dating relationship (couple weeks to couple months) lately.  It's hard every time... but long term relationships that are healthy in all areas for both people are rare. They're special.

So stop acting like it should be easy.... of course when it is right, it kinda is... but life is a series of challenges and achievements.

Keep posting and venting but do something else, too. Don't let this be the end of the story. 

Keep working on yourself... enjoy the time you have with the good things.  let the things you don't have stew on the back burner.... no partner? no problem. fill your time with good times spent doing things you like with people you like or on your own.

It's not a crime to be single. Stop mourning!

You're right and I need to check my expectations. I think it seems easy when you see others who have got there and want what you have.

Don't have much choice to be honest because it is a natural desire for me to want this. Infact just been on another one and done date. I mean like you I've been on so many of these. Occasionally they might lead to more dates. But I'm more open to going on a second if there isn't anything obviously wrong or there are no obvious red flags. Then again you get a sense of the vibe when you're with that person and if you don't see it being any different, if you met Sharon then there's not too much point. 

 

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1 hour ago, Carnatic said:

About 11 years for me, as for 'unfortunate' I don't know it, just is what it is isn't it? It's partly down to me just not really having much to offer, but also partly down to me being cautious and emotionally withdrawn following a traumatic experience.

Sorry to hear 😞I'm interested to know what you mean by not having much to offer. In what sense? As I feel somewhat the same. Not in terms of my looks or physically perhaps not rather my status and profession. 

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

The common denominator is you. What have you done in those 6 years to enhance your life? New interests/activities? Social life/meeting new people? Self reflection/ self improvement? Pull up your boot straps and get at'er.

Good question. I guess finally getting a permanent job, buying my own place (moved to a different area), meeting a few new friends but losing more (marriage, moving away etc). So the latter doesn't help because I think introductions are a great way of meeting new people. But I do less social stuff not because I don't want to but because there are a lack of opportunities. I need to get more involved with my church community and try and meet more people that way. 

 

The vast majority, infact nearly every date, every woman I've met have been through online dating, apps and so on. Not ideal but it's something. 

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5 minutes ago, ignite said:

You're right and I need to check my expectations. I think it seems easy when you see others who have got there and want what you have.

Don't have much choice to be honest because it is a natural desire for me to want this. Infact just been on another one and done date. I mean like you I've been on so many of these. Occasionally they might lead to more dates. But I'm more open to going on a second if there isn't anything obviously wrong or there are no obvious red flags. Then again you get a sense of the vibe when you're with that person and if you don't see it being any different, if you met Sharon then there's not too much point. 

 

I totally understand. There are times when I would have agreed to continuing with some of these guys. But they weren't feeling it. And that's ok. I don't think I was feeling it either. The difference is some people want the love at first sight feeling.

And sure. that's awesome but in the past, it has taken time for me realize that I do have feelings. But that's my journey.

Each person is entitled to their own choices. Because truth be told, some of time, we agreed to keep dating and the feels don't come.

My point is, take things as they come. one day at a time.... its kinda hard to forget the anniversary of the ending of your last relationship when you focus on it. it's like me telling you, don't think of monkey. of course you'll think of a monkey.

Going forward stop assigning significance (like marking the date) of a bad experience. 

Remember the good times! Maybe make this day mean something else... like getting a pet or the anniversary of when you decided you are going to accept and love your life anyway! because it's a gift and I guarantee you, someone would gladly trade.

You are free to live as you choose. And that IS something! 

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56 minutes ago, ignite said:

Don't have much choice to be honest because it is a natural desire for me to want this.

Your choice is how to react to challenging situations with dating and relationships.  Humans have many natural desires and impulses.  Humans have the choice as to how to react to those desires.  The only reason I am married now is because I chose to react in the way that was much much harder to implement but meant I wasn't jaded/bitter/cynical and let myself have pity parties for very very short amounts of time so I could keep my eyes on the prize and do my best despite my natural desires and no guarantees.  

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1 hour ago, ignite said:

Sorry to hear 😞I'm interested to know what you mean by not having much to offer. In what sense? As I feel somewhat the same. Not in terms of my looks or physically perhaps not rather my status and profession. 

I think more in terms of 'sex appeal' y'know... not just looks but like, charisma, excitement, talents... dunno, I'm just an exceedingly square person, no matter how hard I try. I don't think anyone who ever meets me (including friends) would find themselves after spending an hour with me wanting to know more about me. They might find me to be a nice person and consider me a friend but that's about the limit of it.

Edited by Carnatic
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9 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

I think more in terms of 'sex appeal' y'know... not just looks but like, charisma, excitement, talents... dunno, I'm just an exceedingly square person, no matter how hard I try. I don't think anyone who ever meets me (including friends) would find themselves after spending an hour with me wanting to know more about me. They might find me to be a nice person and consider me a friend but that's about the limit of it.

Do you give people the sense that you want to know more about them and if so how do you go about doing that?

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you give people the sense that you want to know more about them and if so how do you go about doing that?

This is a really good point because the most interesting people are the ones who are interested in others.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Honestly, it has been a while since I have had a real relationship.  It is not because I do not want one

I have always wanted one, a wife, kids, etc.  Things never worked out for one reason or another.

Now, my life really does not allow that as I have been caring for my elderly parents for a few years now

I just don't see how I can have a real relationship with that going on.  I have tried dating but have run into some less than stellar women who were less than happy with my life situation and let me know about it.   Let me know it was a detriment to dating and having a relationship.  

So i have tried  and not been successful, recently got screwed over and lied to. 

People are selfish, don't care how they treat you for the most part.  Dating now is not fun

Wish I could give you advice to help....

 

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