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Overly Emotional Men - Courageous or Weak?


Wise Wally
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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I got spanked by my mother when I was a child if I even looked like I MIGHT cry. Accompanied with "stop being a crybaby!!" And I'm female.

No,I don't want, need or expect my romantic partner to "be a rock". What's he gonna do, throw himself at my emotions? I also don't want a "Mr. Fix It" when I vent about someone at work or on the freeway, for example. I would like a listening ear, not for him to whip out the tool kit or start listing what HE thinks I "should" do. Annoying.

I used to date a guy who thought similarly. Here's an example: when we were dating there was a well publicized case of a missing 4 year old girl. One day her body was found by a man who was out riding his bike. The media played the recording of his 911 call, during which he sobbed while telling the operator he had found the body of a "baby". The man was obviously distraught and traumatized. Well, the moron I was dating scoffed at the man, saying "come on, crying??? Be a MAN!!" Shockingly, I wasn't immediately turned on, thinking "wow, this guy is a ROCK! What an alpha male! So sexy!" No, my  immediate thought was "what an idiot". He too believed women are overly emotional and lacked logic. Well, guess who was sending the whining, pleading emails and texts when I told him I didn't want to date him anymore? Where was the "rock", the "alpha male" then? He then proceeded to electronically stalk me for years until I finally told him to buzz off and blocked him. So much for who's the emotional one.

I understand some women really love the strong, silent, unemotional type. And that's great. But most women I know prefer a man who is not fearful of showing a vulnerable side. And who doesn't subscribe to the "women are emotional, men are logical" school of thought.

Comparing my point to a man's cold-hearted response to a baby's corpse is not quite what I had in mind with this thread.  

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why do you assume men express emotions as a means to garner attention?

Maybe the man felt sad because he was sad.

Nothing wrong with being sad.  I am frequently sad myself.  But if you chose to put your sadness on display, doesn't that make you a bit narcissistic?  

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22 minutes ago, Wise Wally said:

Comparing my point to a man's cold-hearted response to a baby's corpse is not quite what I had in mind with this thread.  

That wasn't the point. I think you know that.

The point was, here was a guy who believes as you do, that men shouldn't display emotions, that emotional displays are for women. And yet, he was the one who got emotional and sent me emails and texts literally begging. He had never, not once, ever been broken up with before and he couldn't tolerate it. He was constantly reminding me that women were always hitting on him and pursuing him and what hot stuff he was. And here was plain Jane me, breaking up with him. He fell apart emotionally. So, where was the alpha male? What happened? It was ridiculous. And I wouldn't have thought it was ridiculous if he hadn't been spouting all that alpha male BS. But he did and that's why it's ridiculous.

I personally want a partner who doesn't feel like less of a man if he gets emotional and who isn't afraid to show his feelings. I'm not talking about a guy who cries if Wing Stop is out of mango habanero flavor or I didn't bring him a bendy straw with his chocolate milk either.

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16 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You know very well that wasn't the point boltnrun was communicating.

Actually, it was but it's ok as I know I don't have "similar" views to the monster she described.  

I understand every situation is nuanced and everyone has their own wants and desires.  My intent was to have a philosophical discussion at a high level.  Identifying red flags is a common theme on these boards.  You don't always have the option of really getting to know someone and thus have to make judgement calls within the first few dates.  For example, lets say you are on a first date with a dude and he exhibits road rage on the way to dinner.  Do you give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just sharing his emotions and could quite possibly be the father of your children, or do you not go on a 2nd date with him.  Or lets say during dinner he opens up about how depressed he is that his previous dates didn't go well and that he feels like a failure.  Do you find that oh so brave and agree to go on another date, or do you run for the hills?  

 

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29 minutes ago, Wise Wally said:

Nothing wrong with being sad.  I am frequently sad myself.  But if you chose to put your sadness on display, doesn't that make you a bit narcissistic?  

Disagree.

President George Bush cried when he saw the devastation of 9/11. JJ Watt cried when he saw the devastation caused by Hurricane Harvey. I doubt they were narcissists looking for attention. They were being human.

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1 minute ago, Wise Wally said:

lets say you are on a first date with a dude and he exhibits road rage on the way to dinner

He has anger issues and needs to deal with them. Women can be like this too. And, I have known so many. And, no, I would not go on another date with such person.

2 minutes ago, Wise Wally said:

Or lets say during dinner he opens up about how depressed he is that his previous dates didn't go well and that he feels like a failure.

That's also not being "overly emotional". It's the person not knowing when to talk about such topic/being vulnerable. I've had moments like this in myself where I learned to keep to myself. I also wouldn't go on another date- again, it has nothing to do with the person being "overly emotional".

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5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He has anger issues and needs to deal with them. Women can be like this too. And, I have known so many. And, no, I would not go on another date with such person.

That's also not being "overly emotional". It's the person not knowing when to talk about such topic/being vulnerable. I've had moments like this in myself where I learned to keep to myself. I also wouldn't go on another date- again, it has nothing to do with the person being "overly emotional".

Maybe we're getting lost in semantics here but in what world are these two scenarios not an example of being "overly emotional"?  If you can't drive down the street without yelling at another car, sure that's an anger issue, but that is an ill-logical and overly emotional response.  Same thing as showing vulnerability on a first date.  

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17 minutes ago, Wise Wally said:

Ok, I believe you.  However, that was the worst example you could have given.  I don't think anything like that piece of crap you described.  

He believed women are emotional and men are logical. And that men who show emotions are weak. You said those exact same things.

Yes, my example was extreme, but it was to illustrate a point. The point being, when the man in the story I told felt horror, shock and grief he made fun of him, yet when faced with a situation where HE felt emotions he fell apart and resorted to whining and pleading, the very behaviors he'd railed against. 

I believe holding these feelings in is unhealthy and often leads to destructive behaviors or negatively affects one's health, regardless of gender.

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2 hours ago, Wise Wally said:

Some good points made so far.  I certainly never suggested that anyone be void of emotions.  I also consider someone easily angered just as overly-emotional as some dude who cries himself to sleep every night.  

Generally speaking, I believe women are naturally more nurturing and emotional than men and men tend to be more simple-minded and logical.  These two qualities tend to mesh very well in successful relationships.  Sure, there are exceptions to every rule, but it's quite common to see men turned off by strong, assertive women and women turned off by emotional guys. 

I think this is the point where I get flamed by the feminists 🙂

You're certainly trying your hardest, almost as if you view being disputed as a badge of honour. You've also moderated your language as you started off by saying that men shouldn't have emotions, then it became not too many emotions and each time you just step back a bit looking for that sweet spot where you can annoy feminists while looking broadly rational to people who haven't followed your whole tirade.

I don't know what you want out of this thread but I'm fairly confident you're not after genuine answers to your question.

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He believed women are emotional and men are logical. And that men who show emotions are weak. You said those exact same things.

Yes, my example was extreme, but it was to illustrate a point. The point being, when the man in the story I told felt horror, shock and grief he made fun of him, yet when faced with a situation where HE felt emotions he fell apart and resorted to whining and pleading, the very behaviors he'd railed against. 

I believe holding these feelings in is unhealthy and often leads to destructive behaviors or negatively affects one's health, regardless of gender.

This dude was very overly-emotional the entire time and desperately tried to hide it from you at all costs for the sake of being a macho man.  That's not what I am advocating.  I think a good husband/boyfriend needs to be secure/comfortable with himself, almost to the point of not being concerned with the idea that nobody cares about him.  At that point, you can truly focus on other people in a loving way with nothing expected in return.  Without trying to sound condescending to women, I think men have unique attributes that, if used correctly, can help them be loving to women.  

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14 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

You're certainly trying your hardest, almost as if you view being disputed as a badge of honour. You've also moderated your language as you started off by saying that men shouldn't have emotions, then it became not too many emotions and each time you just step back a bit looking for that sweet spot where you can annoy feminists while looking broadly rational to people who haven't followed your whole tirade.

I don't know what you want out of this thread but I'm fairly confident you're not after genuine answers to your question.

I'm not a troll if that's what you're suggesting.  I stumbled upon these boards after watching people I know fall into these horrible relationship problems that failed because of the most trivial things or they got involved with the wrong people.  I actually thought I could be a useful contributor here.  The intent of this post was to validate my usefulness by obtaining both differing and validating opinions.  So far on this thread, it appears that the differing opinions are the vast majority.  That's perfectly fine although I've now been accused of being disingenuous, toxic, going on tirades, combative, and chauvinistic.  Maybe some of my advice is not what people want to hear so I will politely move on.  

 

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23 minutes ago, Wise Wally said:

I'm not a troll if that's what you're suggesting.  I stumbled upon these boards after watching people I know fall into these horrible relationship problems that failed because of the most trivial things or they got involved with the wrong people.  I actually thought I could be a useful contributor here.  The intent of this post was to validate my usefulness by obtaining both differing and validating opinions.  So far on this thread, it appears that the differing opinions are the vast majority.  That's perfectly fine although I've now been accused of being disingenuous, toxic, going on tirades, combative, and chauvinistic.  Maybe some of my advice is not what people want to hear so I will politely move on.  

 

Yes I can see you're seeking validation, but not getting it shouldn't stop you from contributing, ironically you seem somewhat emotional over this.

No reason you can't still stick around and could have a very productive and reasoned discussion over the different roles two people in a relationship could play that can make that relationship stronger and if the genders of those people have or should have a say in the roles they say.

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1 hour ago, Wise Wally said:

Maybe some of my advice is not what people want to hear so I will politely move on.  

For me it's not about "not wanting to hear" as in "being in denial" it's that I don't consider your input to be based on anything that I value or consider well-intentioned (meaning the impression/intention I am getting from you is you want to label those women who disagree with you as "feminist" and you harp on generalizations or stereotypes I personally do not relate to -and if I cannot relate it's not that I do not "want" to hear - it's that what I am hearing is irrelevant/unhelpful).

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