He hasn’t said I love you, and has told me he didn’t in the past

[Neptune199]

My partner and I have been together for a little over a year, we moved in together a month ago. Our relationship didn’t get off to the best start as during the lockdown he discovered he had latent feelings for his ex but worked through this and for the last six months we have been very happy. He had told me twice prior to then that he couldn’t say he loved me. I agreed to wait for him to work through things and we saw each other three days a week prior to moving in together. During the last six months due to the world opening up again we have both been able to pursue our hobbies out with the relationship and generally have a better lifestyle which I think has contributed to our overall happiness and we have been able to get to know each other more. I am now at the stage where I know I love him but he is yet to tell me he does. I feel loved in some ways, little things he does for me, and not in others. He can’t maintain long lingering eye contact and refers to sex as f*****g as opposed to making love. I know he’s said it in the past to people so isn’t the sort of person who would have difficulty saying it if they felt it. For me having heard that he does not love me twice makes it very difficult for me to say it first and I truly believe if he felt it he’d say it. I’ve been trying to think of gentle ways to approach the conversation or ask how he sees our relationship in the long term but Im afraid of the shutters coming down.

[Wise Wally]

Was him loving you a requirement for you moving in with him?  If so, what made you think he did then if he never proclaimed it?  

[Neptune199]

Just now, Wise Wally said:

Was him loving you a requirement for you moving in with him?  If so, what made you think he did then if he never proclaimed it?  

It wasn’t a requirement for moving in together, I just took moving in together as our relationship naturally progressing. The two aren’t synonymous. I’m just at the stage now, whether living together or apart I know how I feel about him and I’m wondering what the best way would be to broach the subject gently 

[Wise Wally]

1 minute ago, Neptune199 said:

It wasn’t a requirement for moving in together, I just took moving in together as our relationship naturally progressing. 

That is one HUGE leap of faith in someone you really don't know that well.  At least with traditionally dating someone, if the progression doesn't go as well as planned, you don't have to change residences.  Assuming this doesn't work out (which is where I would put my money), slow down on the next dude.  Take some time to get to know him before you do something drastic.  Otherwise, you are making a lot of complicated life choices.  

[Rose Mosse]

Move back out and stop dating him. He is a jerk, OP. Someone who can't bring himself to say those three words and yet has you move in with him isn't someone who's self-aware or honest with himself. It sounds almost like he's using it as a manipulative tactic or holding it over your head/dangling this want and need to hear those words like a carrot.

There is no "gently" in this. Nothing you say or do will change the way he feels about you or the way he interacts with you or treats you. He may enjoy your company but he doesn't care that you're uncomfortable or that the dynamic is not balanced.

You should not feel like you are walking on eggshells with your partner or afraid of stonewalling or "shutters" coming down. That's an awful way to live and I hope you come to your senses with this person.

 

[MissCanuck]

He doesn’t love you, girl. 

Time to move out and move on. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Neptune199 said:

 He had told me twice prior to then that he couldn’t say he loved me.  He can’t maintain long lingering eye contact and refers to sex as f*****g as opposed to making love. 

Sorry this is happening. After a year and moving in together, he should not be this icy. It's stonewalling, shutting you out and hurtful to you. 

Perhaps his ex left him for the same reasons.  It's doubtful his emotional constipation has to do with you.

Take time to reflect and if the lease is ending soon, consider moving apart. He most likely won't change. You can't really ask someone to love you, this would come naturally.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Neptune199 said:

discovered he had latent feelings for his ex

Lesson: when someone tells you they still have feeling for their ex, you step out. Immediately. It's a huge red flag. It's probably still why he can't and won't love you.

2 hours ago, Neptune199 said:

He can’t maintain long lingering eye contact and refers to sex as f*****g as opposed to making love

Then what are you doing together? Why did you guys decide to live together? Seriously? Who says that to their GF!! You're his gf, right?!

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't really ask someone to love you, this would come naturally.

Agree^

It's better to leave and look for someone who desires you as well, instead of being mistreated by this man. You deserve better. Stop waisting your time with this one. He's shown you who he is, and it's not pretty. At all.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Neptune199 said:

I’ve been trying to think of gentle ways to approach the conversation or ask how he sees our relationship in the long term but Im afraid of the shutters coming down.

They're already down, Neptune. 

[Batya33]

No.  Nothing to “work through “ and avoid the fancy “latent “ feelings. It’s not latent. He wanted his ex. No amount of work changes that. Now I do believe a person who has ended a relationship can work through how to move on.  Literally what things they can do to move on.  Sometimes alone sometimes a self help book sometimes a therapist.  But you don’t “work through “ feelings for someone else that are so strong you have to tell your partner (meaning a fleeting feeling or a nostalgic moment here and there is no biggie but if he had to tell you it means he wanted to be with his ex)

No he doesn’t have to love you to enjoy playing house. To enjoy sex. To like the convenience of sharing physical space.  He doesn’t love you.  It’s not because of covid. It is just because.  The issue I have with his behavior is he knows you want more. Now you’re an adult.  You can make up your own mind but it’s not exactly right for him to stick around knowing of this huge incompatibility.  Maybe it’s good for his ego.
I hope you’re using excellent protection during sex. Please find someone worthy of you or know that you’re worthy of you. Meaning you’re better company for you than he is. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, is never a good thing when your 'BF' is still pining over his ex! 😕 . That's when you walk away.. and NO expectations.

Let this be a lesson for you.... to not get involved with someone like this. Nor move in with them.. and surely do not expect the 'L' word. 

4 hours ago, Neptune199 said:

For me having heard that he does not love me twice makes it very difficult for me to say it first and I truly believe if he felt it he’d say it. I’ve been trying to think of gentle ways to approach the conversation or ask how he sees our relationship in the long term but Im afraid of the shutters coming down.

 

I feel you shouldn't have moved so quickly into this with this guy.. feeling that things were only picking up in the last 6 months, as well as only being involved for 1 year.

Is there a reason YOU agreed to this? Did he request it?  is it just for your convenience?

 

[waffle]

7 hours ago, Neptune199 said:

. . . and I truly believe if he felt it he’d say it. 

There's your answer.

Agree with the others, this is not something that can be negotiated.  Some people are a Lesson, some are a Blessing.  This guy is a Lesson.  Keep this in mind for the next guy going forward..

[lostandhurt]

Feelings for his ex meant he was dating you but hoping to get back with her and frankly I think he is still waiting and hoping for that and that is why he hasn't committed to this relationship.

  If you bring it up he might say the words but he will not mean them.

How old are you and he?

Lost 

[Kwothe28]

There is usually a period in a relationship(up to a 6 months) where passion and feelings are very intense. That is where you "fall" for other person so hard that sometimes you cant even see or ignore their flaws. After that period it becomes more realistic in a way that you are seeing flaws and other stuff but usually, those feelings are still there. I bring this up because you and your partner seem to spend that period with him having feelings for his ex and not you. And after that period he "settled" with you. Meaning that he maybe cares for you and wants to move forward. But those "intense feelings" other feel in those first months were never there for him. So its no wonder he cant say "I love you" when he simply doesnt feel it and he maybe never will. I am sorry, but if that is the important part for you(and it seems like it is) I am afraid you are not going to get it from that guy.

[Lambert]

You've really got to look at this situation through a different lens OP.

As it is now or as you've described. you basically surrendered yourself to his needs. 

You're looking for a gentle way to broach whether the man you live with loves you.

Think about how painful that is. 

That alone is enough to leave. Stop trying to be good enough for this guy. Stop sacrificing yourself for his choosing you. 

You are causing serious damage to yourself. 

As someone else said, this guy is a jerk, dangling love like a carrot.

He is emotionally unavailable, selfish and cruel.

[reinventmyself]

You mentioned that moving in with him was part of a natural progression.

But wouldn't the natural progression be to reserve taking the major step of moving in with someone until which time you know he was in love with you and could say it?  You basically moved in when the two of you were having fun instead of investing the time to see if there was a solid foundation with work with.

I think I am more bugged by the fact he refers to being physically intimate with you as *f'ing.  I may not need to actual love label to describe it, but I personally think it's very telling that's the word he chooses.  It's void of any sentiment at all.  At some point it might feel demeaning.

It seems you had the best intentions.  Things were going good and you decided to move in together.  But from where I sit, it missed some important milestones of progression.  Now you are needing them after the fact.   After all, people move into together when they both see a future together.  Not just one person wanting it and the other who seems to be taking it day by day.

I suppose you wait for a good time and have a summit meeting about where the two of stand.  You may as well know now and not after having invested another year or two into this.

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

After all, people move into together when they both see a future together.  Not just one person wanting it and the other who seems to be taking it day by day.

People decide to share physical space for lots of reasons -it sounds like she had different reasons and hopes than he did or if they both did he doesn't anymore.  Yes, communicate.

[HeartGoesOn]

You don't have to listen to what he has to say simply because his actions have already spoke the truth.

Maybe it's time to raise your value, and realize that it hurts to let go, but it hurts more to hold on.

[moodindigo91]

Honestly you should have left when he still had feelings for his ex. Coming from a woman who has spent the majority of her time in relationships with deadbeats, this guy is not it. You shouldn't think of sticking around and "working through" things and falling in love with a man who told you up front he had feelings for someone else as noble. Don't waste any more time with this guy. Kinda sounds like you were a rebound that he got comfortable with. He will stay with you until he finds the woman he falls in love with. Don't wait around for that lol 

[Honeycomb8]

I was emotionally unavailable before and when someone is in that state they can't love someone else. 

It's been over a year, that is more than enough time to tell someone you love them. Hell, some ppl get married after a year. 

Don't be a placeholder, you're just wasting your time. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Honeycomb8 said:

I was emotionally unavailable before and when someone is in that state they can't love someone else. 

It's been over a year, that is more than enough time to tell someone you love them. Hell, some ppl get married after a year. 

Don't be a placeholder, you're just wasting your time. 

In this situation I think he's just emotionally unavailable to the OP - he is able to love someone else.  In fact he likely still has strong feelings for his ex -he is emotionally available to her -if his ex would have him.

[smackie9]

All the right reason to not date this guy. It's not working out, and should have never started. Time to cut your losses.