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What exactly does "connection" mean?


SilverFactory
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I am a 46 year old man that has been never married and single for a very long time. I am originally from India and have been living in the US for 20 years now

Apart from dating apps I am also looking for women in Indian Matrimonial apps. A matrimonial app is similar to dating apps but more serious and geared towards marriage

I matched with a woman living in New Jersey (I live in California). We both started talking through the app and then she gave me her phone number. In the very first phone call we found that there were some differences between us. She is from North India and speaks Hindi and is a vegetarian while I am from South India and do not speak Hindi and am a non-vegetarian. Also, she has been married once before and I have never been married. She mentioned "these differences will not matter if we both connect very well. A strong connection is required for a relationship to work and if that connection is there we should be fine". So we agreed to continue talking and then the plan was for me to go visit her in person in couple of months

We started texting and talking on the phone and it went very well. We spoke in English since I can't speak Hindi. I also mentioned to her that whenever I watch Hindi movies I have to use English subtitles. We got along very well and after 2 months I booked my tickets to New Jersey to meet her in person. The plan was for me to stay there for 4 days and one of those days we were planning to go to NYC together

I traveled to New Jersey and met her. It was super exciting and I felt very happy. She looked lot better than her photos. I took her for coffee and dinner and it went very well. The next day we had lunch and then headed to a shopping mall in her car. While driving she changed the radio station and some Hindi songs were playing. She asked me if I understood the song and I said "no". Then she asked if I understood even a word of Hindi and again I said "no". Then she said a sentence in Hindi and asked if I understood anything in that sentence and I said I understood exactly 1 word. Then she just kept quiet. The rest of the day went decently.. we had dinner in the evening

The next day I was all excited because according to the plan we were supposed to go to NYC together. She sent me a text and said she has migraine and unfortunately she cannot join me to NYC. I was bummed but what else could I do? So I asked her to take rest and went to NYC by myself. While returning back to New Jersey in the evening I asked her if she felt better we could meet for dinner. She said she felt better but only wanted to do coffee and no dinner. So we met for coffee and then just had relaxing conversations which went very well. The next day we again met and that went well too. Then I took the flight and returned back to California

We continued to text for a week and spoke on the phone once. Then she sent me a text and said "while I am able to converse with you I am not able to feel the connection required for a relationship. sorry". I feel so bad and don't understand what exactly she means by "connection". If it was the language difference that was something we discussed in the very first phone call. So I feel very confused

I am not a miser but I do feel upset that the money I spent for travel and hotel has also gone as a waste now along with the time, energy, and effort I invested in her

Any insights on what happened here? and what I can do next?

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I dunno, its weird with dates. Sometimes when they feel that connection, you could have red flags like China and would still be "in", with very little chance to ruin it. When they dont feel that connection, you can make one mistake they dont like and you are "out". In your case you think its because of Hindu language. It might be, maybe she wants somebody with more "Indian roots". However, I would also point out that you spent 3 whole days with that woman. And never once mentioned that you "made the move". Meaning to at least try to get close to her. Or maybe even kiss her. Maybe in your culture its different. But you are both in USA. She probably expected you to make that move. The stuff you did, you can easily do with any friend. Go to dinner, sight seeing, talking, its not something for romantic relationship by itself. It may initiate one, but just doing those stuff is not one. So I think you blew it up there. But again, its hard to tell, could be anything. And leave her alone and seek further, sadly that one is gone. Once they make up their mind its hard to change that.

Edited by Kwothe28
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I don't think she was referring to the language difference when she said she didn't feel a connection. I think she was talking more about chemistry. There's nothing left to do here. I'm sorry it turned out to be a letdown.

If you're upset about the effort you put forth, I'm here to tell you that there's always a risk of being let down when you're looking for a partner. I don't think there's any getting around that; it's part of the process.

If you're upset about the money, well... limit your search to someplace more local. If you're not willing to do that, then you have to accept it as the cost of doing business. 

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2 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

She is from North India and speaks Hindi and is a vegetarian while I am from South India and do not speak Hindi and am a non-vegetarian. Also, she has been married once before and I have never been married. She mentioned "these differences will not matter if we both connect very well. A strong connection is required for a relationship to work and if that connection is there we should be fine".

It means, that these 'differences' aside, you should be able to get along and connect/ compatible.

 

2 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

I am not a miser but I do feel upset that the money I spent for travel and hotel has also gone as a waste now along with the time, energy, and effort I invested in her

This was your choice.. BUT, is good you made the travel, so now you DO know that this isn't working.. so now you can move on.

 

I feel she just didn't feel it.  Nothing you can do about it.

 

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We both are Indians and she is more on the conservative side. So I doubt if it has anything to do with me trying to kiss her.

The first evening went well and the second day is when the whole Hindi language thing happened. She made a remark that actually hurt me badly and I got very angry with her but didn't show it on my face. In around 15 minutes it looked like she was also very angry because there was a car in front that was kinda slowing down and the driver seemed lost. This woman just smashed the horn! She could have gently honked but smashed the horn and honked so loudly. In general people will be on the best behavior during a date and I was surprised to see her behave like that

The next day she gets a migraine and talks herself out of the trip to NYC. That evening when we met for coffee we were talking and walking around and I gently put my arms around her shoulder and in like 10 seconds she said "my hair.. my hair" and I removed my hand. So forget about kissing or making a move.. she didn't even allow me to put my arms around her shoulder

Edited by SilverFactory
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18 minutes ago, SilverFactory said:

That evening when we met for coffee we were talking and walking around and I gently put my arms around her shoulder and in like 10 seconds she said "my hair.. my hair" and I removed my hand. So forget about kissing or making a move.. she didn't even allow me to put my arms around her shoulder

It sounds like she just wasn't that into you, unfortunately.

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I'm sorry that it didn't turn out. I agree, I think she just wasn't feeling that "click" that is hard to define but it's like a sense of ease and understanding with each other.

You mentioned she said something that hurt your feelings pretty badly. I'm sorry, that sucks. And also that she displayed a temper that was off-putting. So that doesn't scream to me a great match for you either, and as disappointing as it is, it's just that part of getting to know someone and if it's a good match or no. Who knows, she might just be a slightly difficult person, you don't know enough to know for sure. 

 

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3 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

I am not a miser but I do feel upset that the money I spent for travel and hotel has also gone as a waste now along with the time, energy, and effort I invested in her

Why invest so much in a stranger? Why not invest instead in setting up first meets over coffee with women locally, so you can learn whether there is any chemistry before you even date or spend too much time online or on the phone building fantasies 'about' one another?

Dating is all about screening OUT wrong matches, and there will be more of those than a rare 'connection'.

Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. Everyone views others, themselves and the world through a unique lens.

Love is rare, and it's supposed to be rare. The goal is to strike a match with someone who 'gets' you, and who owns the right vision to appreciate your unique value.

That will NOT be most people--but it's not supposed to be most people. Like a needle in the haystack, it's about finding the right ONE.

Head high.

 

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2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Why invest so much in a stranger? Why not invest instead in setting up first meets over coffee with women locally, so you can learn whether there is any chemistry before you even date or spend too much time online or on the phone building fantasies 'about' one another?

 

I wish I could catfeeder. Unfortunately at my age and the location I am based at its too difficult to meet single women. Why would I talk to a woman on the other side of the coast if I am able to meet someone locally? I am just not able to, so whatever match I am getting I am just accepting and giving it a fair shot

I feel very bad not so much for the time and money that I invested in this woman but rather it is yet another rejection dished out when I don't believe I did anything wrong. We didn't have a single misunderstanding or fight or any boring moments during those 4 days. It went really well or at least I thought so. To do all that I could possibly do and then be told "I don't feel the connection" just hurts. It just plain hurts. I am 46 years old, I don't have much time 

Edited by SilverFactory
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There's a lot of pressure based on your age. 46-56 is a good age, in my opinion. You just need to be a little more confident in yourself and don't accept any option that comes your way. Her temper and road rage is a turn off. Can you imagine driving with someone who flies off the handle like that each time you get into a vehicle with her as the driver? I was married to someone with aggression and road rage problems. It made for very uncomfortable trips. I almost always wanted to drive in my own vehicle but that would have sparked another argument. You dodged a bullet. The only thing you need to write off is the cost of seeing her. That's a risk you took so let it go. 

I suggest meeting women locally or narrowing your search. Like I said your age is the least of any issues. That's a great age especially on men. Brush yourself off here and get back at it when you're ready. Most of all have fun dating. 

 

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Her temper and road rage is a turn off. Can you imagine driving with someone who flies off the handle like that each time you get into a vehicle with her as the driver?

 

and that was after she made a hurtful remark when I told her I could not understand even a word of her language (Hindi). that's why I was wondering if the whole thing fell apart because of the language differences

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Just now, SilverFactory said:

and that was after she made a hurtful remark when I told her I could not understand even a word of her language (Hindi). that's why I was wondering if the whole thing fell apart because of the language differences

It's possible but it's better that she asked and it's just as well that you answered honestly. You don't know her very well so all this is speculation as she didn't mention the language differences when she called things off. 

Did you have the expectation that this would take off to dating, engagement and marriage when you were booking your trip? Try managing those expectations when you meet someone for the first time or you'll be sorely disappointed quite a lot. These things happen. Pick yourself up and meet other ladies.

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8 hours ago, waffle said:

Maybe she thought you didn't look like your photos?

For me, this has happened a lot.  Also, I've been turned off by someone's personal hygiene, their voice, their values or lifestyle being very different to mine... all after having exchanged very promising messages before meeting.

If you have a simple coffee date with someone and know almost from the start that it's not going to go anywhere, you can get out quickly.  Being expected to spend 3 or 4 days with someone you've found out isn't your type must be excruciating.  That's probably why she acted the way she did and you weren't happy about it.

You'll likely have to meet a number of women before you find one where there's a mutual attraction and connection.  This particular woman wasn't it.  Unfortunately you just have to suck it up and move on.  Stick to finding women in your local area, where a date can be shorter and less expensive.

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7 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

That evening when we met for coffee we were talking and walking around and I gently put my arms around her shoulder and in like 10 seconds she said "my hair.. my hair" and I removed my hand. So forget about kissing or making a move.. she didn't even allow me to put my arms around her shoulder

Oof. Sorry to hear that, that sounds rather cold. And that she really didnt wanted you in that way.

Anyway, you tried. Never feel bad for trying, even though you did spend some money on the trip. It didnt worked out by the end, but that happens. But you did make an effort and that is what you should continue to do. In time, someone would be a match.

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11 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

In the very first phone call we found that there were some differences between us.  she sent me a text and said "while I am able to converse with you I am not able to feel the connection required for a relationship. sorry". 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you're not compatible. Not to mention distance relationships are difficult at best.

What she means is you're not culturally compatible because she wants someone who's the same religious and cultural background.

It's sad you spent all that money instead of screening better when she went on and on about Hinduism and Hindi.

How important is background to you? Is this why you chose this site?

If you are open to dating non-Indian women, why not use general good-quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local women.

That way your investment is a cup of coffee and if there's no chemistry or compatibility you can easily move forward.

It's also more realistic to date locally if you are hoping to build a relationship.

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Well it's completely understandable that you're disappointed and anyone else would be too. Dating is really hard. I'm 36 and also never married and no kids but I'm a woman so I don't have forever to have kids.

To be honest though, the dates with this woman and her saying she didn't feel the "connection" sounds like exactly what happens with like 90% of online dating for 90% of people. I've been doing online dating for 19 years and I've never actually had any real relationship with anyone I met online. I'd only had a few hookups and dating a couple of people for a couple or a few months but nothing too serious. All my longer term relationships were with people I met in real life.

I'm actually not sure exactly what this woman meant that she didn't feel the connection, really it could be anything. When I say to someone that I don't feel a "connection", what I usually feel is no spark/chemistry, not attracted to the person, no click, not much in common. Things like that. When I say not attracted to them, it doesn't mean they're ugly by any means. It just means I'm personally not attracted to them.

It may have been the Hindi thing but really it could be anything. I think if she liked you, she may not have cared that you speak Hindi. I think it's good that you are putting yourself out there and you went and met this woman and gave it a go. You never know unless you try, right? I know it sucks that you spent money on the trip, but just because you did doesn't mean it was going to work out or that this woman would be interested in you. Even if she appreciated you coming to see her, she can't just force herself to have romantic feelings for you if she just doesn't.

I was actually using a paid dating website and you have to either pay per "stamp" to start a conversation with someone, or a $50 or $60 per month membership. So I was spending money on that website for many months but I didn't find anyone. Well in fact I'd been on that website for 19 years on and off. But my best friend went on that website 14 years ago and she had only been on dates with five guys from there and after that she found her husband! She's been with his all that time and they have kids together. So it seems to be some kind of just dumb luck. Anyone can pay money for that website but obviously the website can't control whether you actually will find someone there or not.

My advice would be to keep looking and don't give up. That's the advice I gave myself and I'm sticking to it lol

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I'm sorry you're disappointed -it's a common word these days and she means she's not interested in dating you.  Could be many reasons.  Perhaps it is that she doesn't feel the click, the chemistry she'd like to feel to justify to herself investing time in going on another date.  What it means to her specifically you might never know but it's irrelevant -all you need to know is she is not that into you, and that's ok. I used to give a chance when I thought there was a potential spark - so if after 4 dates I didn't have the desire to kiss the person (my litmus test) I stopped seeing the person.  It didn't' matter if we'd actually kissed and I personally don't believe kissing (or having sex) is necessary to know if you have romantic chemistry with someone.  

As I posted in your other thread -I think - I started dating my husband right around my 39th birthday and he was almost 39.  Here's the truth - there are times I don't feel connected to him because I don't feel heard or understood or he responds to what I share in a way that makes no sense.  Sometimes I tell him but I don't use broad words like "connection" - I describe specifically why I feel the way I do and sometimes it turns out I totally misinterpreted what he said (which then actually increases our connection!). But I always feel committed to him and I love him  - these are specific times/moments of not feeling connected.  

But if I met someone new -a friend or a romantic interest (hypothetically!) I really don't think I'd go to the trouble of explaining "why" because I wouldn't know the person well enough and it wouldn't matter.  She just wants you to know she is not interested in dating you.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  This means you can keep looking!! ("When one door closes, another one opens -and sometimes it's a window" - I made part of that up lol)

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My guess is that there's a cultural factors at play.  Maybe she feels pressured by her family to marry another Hindi as a lot of them are very traditional.  Family member often arrange the marriages themselves.  Regardless of the reason, it's obvious that it happened within the first two days.  You don't have someone fly across the country only to get a "migraine" on them.  That didn't happen.  

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2 hours ago, Wise Wally said:

My guess is that there's a cultural factors at play.  Maybe she feels pressured by her family to marry another Hindi as a lot of them are very traditional.  Family member often arrange the marriages themselves.  Regardless of the reason, it's obvious that it happened within the first two days.  You don't have someone fly across the country only to get a "migraine" on them.  That didn't happen.  

That's exactly my guess as well. She had mentioned that she was in a relationship with a Hindi speaking guy for a very long time but they broke up. Then she got married to another Hindi speaking guy and that ended in a divorce. I am not a Hindi speaking guy so may be she is just not able to relate to me

I was very suspicious about the migraine as well. We had been speaking over the phone for around 2 months before meeting and not once she mentioned that she gets migraines... and she conveniently gets one on the day we were supposed to go to NYC together

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7 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

For me, this has happened a lot.  Also, I've been turned off by someone's personal hygiene, their voice, their values or lifestyle being very different to mine... all after having exchanged very promising messages before meeting.

Which is why online dating/dating apps where there is an over-focus on pictures (which represent a split second in time and tell you absolutely nothing about a person) are a set-up for failure.  Most of this can be avoided by turning off the computer/phone and meeting others IRL.

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4 minutes ago, waffle said:

Which is why online dating/dating apps where there is an over-focus on pictures (which represent a split second in time and tell you absolutely nothing about a person) are a set-up for failure.  Most of this can be avoided by turning off the computer/phone and meeting others IRL.

I found meeting people in a bar or club scene IRL to be the same and without being able to screen for basic things in common.  I did both.  I didn't focus on photos.  I met in real life ASAP with the website just being the way to make a first contact.

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