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Husband changed


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My husband changed after 14 years of marriage. For 14 yrs he was loving, affectionate, wanted me all the time, had great sense of humor and took care of himself, his appearance. Now he's cold, uncaring, has no emotions, never wants sex anymore and lucky if he showers once a week! It's been like this for 10 years now and I'm at my wit's end as to what to do? He refuses to talk about it and the few times he has he just says he doesn't know why he changed? Any advice would be great!

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2 hours ago, Sabingham said:

My husband changed after 14 years of marriage.

2 hours ago, Sabingham said:

It's been like this for 10 years now and I'm at my wit's end

So, he changed after 4 years of marriage. Not 14. Correct?

He sounds very depressed, but I gathering that he is not open to treatment and does not want to speak to a doctor. Would that be accurate? 

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7 hours ago, Sabingham said:

! It's been like this for 10 years now and I'm at my wit's end as to what to do? 

Does he work? How old is he? Unfortunately it seems like he would benefit from seeing a physician. He may have undiagnosed physical or mental health problems.

What happened 10 years ago and why is it only bothering you now?

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33 minutes ago, Wise Wally said:

What's the common theme with every dude posting about his relationship troubles?  They are overly emotional, and women see that as weakness, thus compounding their problems.

What planet do you hail from Wally, and how did you get to Earth? Our technology can't even get us out of the freaking solar system.

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I don't mean to be sort of "practical" but if he wasn't interested in you anymore he'd be showering and getting himself all spiffed up to maybe you know pursue others or tell himself he could.  I think he's going through something and I'm sorry he's acting this way I really am but my sense is -not a doc- just a wife -that he might be depressed.  Does he take care of himself as far as seeing his health care providers? Is there depression in the family?  As the late Doctor Joy Browne used to say "if something has changed, something has changed."  

Good luck.

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1 hour ago, Wise Wally said:

They are overly emotional

No no. They usually suffer from self doubt, low self worth, or are anxious/controlling.

This applies to men and women on and beyond this site. 

Fyi emotionally unavailable men/people are not "strong" by any means.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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OP,
Do you all live in an area that was severely impacted by the lock-downs etc? Has his job been effected? Does he have any semblance of his 2019 life as far as social outlets?

The last year has been rough for a lot of people mentally, and I do think your husband would benefit from professional help. That has to be his decision for it to be effective, and while you want to help for the sake of your marriage broach it carefully.

In the near term are there things that he enjoys activity wise that you can do together? Get him engaged in something that he enjoys but has room for social interaction (and preferably not computer games).

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1 hour ago, Wise Wally said:

I agree that a man needs to be available/supportive to his SO, and it's clear the OP's husband is not that.  However, what exactly is "emotionally available"?  Are you saying he needs to share his feelings more? That's not strong and women generally don't want that.  

Speaking for myself.  A man who shares his feelings is a sign of strength.

I view a man who won't as insecure.  I can't connect with anyone who doesn't engage with you intimately and won't share their feelings.  Period.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I will maybe slightly go "against the grain" and offer more practical explanation. There is a point in "big relationships" or even marriage where one or even both sides become "too comfortable" with one another. That is the point where there is no incentive anymore to impress one another and you can do whatever you want knowing other side will tolerate it and still be there. So you "loose" yourself. There is no point in looking good for other side or anyone else so you relax, get fat, even stop taking care of apperance in terms of clothes, hair, even hygiene. Same with your behavior toward one another, as you take it for granted, you just lead that marriage life where you go to work, spend some time home together, take care of children if you have them and forget to be loving, affectionate couple you were before. No dates, no sweet words, no sex, no anything. Sadly, it happens to a lot of couples. So it doesnt mean there is something wrong with him. It just means he maybe became one of those people who get like that after few years. In a situtions like that it is your duty to remind him that no matter what he needs to take care of himself(at least for hygiene part lol) and that you still need him to be the guy you married and not what he become. After 10 years of that it might be too late for the change but you still need to try for both of your sake.

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5 hours ago, Coily said:

OP,
Do you all live in an area that was severely impacted by the lock-downs etc? Has his job been effected? Does he have any semblance of his 2019 life as far as social outlets?

The last year has been rough for a lot of people mentally, and I do think your husband would benefit from professional help. That has to be his decision for it to be effective, and while you want to help for the sake of your marriage broach it carefully.

In the near term are there things that he enjoys activity wise that you can do together? Get him engaged in something that he enjoys but has room for social interaction (and preferably not computer games).

She said it's been going on for 10 years, so likely not caused by the pandemic (although I'm sure it compounded the problem).

Is he happy with how his life is going? Does he complain about feeling hopeless or worthless or that life is pointless?

Do you have children?

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7 hours ago, Wise Wally said:

I agree that a man needs to be available/supportive to his SO, and it's clear the OP's husband is not that.  However, what exactly is "emotionally available"?  Are you saying he needs to share his feelings more? That's not strong and women generally don't want that.  

Emotionally available doesn’t necessarily mean sharing feelings. It’s only one way of being available. It can mean for example having approachable vibes or body language.  Good eye contact especially when your loved one is sharing something important. It can mean taking out the garbage upon seeing your partner looking exhausted even though she usually does and saying “you had a hard day - I’ll take care of this”.  Or simply saying as my son does sometimes - he’s 12 -“I feel you “

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Emotionally unavailable people are unwilling or unable to fall in love or even have romantic feelings for someone. They don't allow themselves to become attached, usually out of fear of getting hurt or out of arrogance (they don't need to settle down because they have so many options, so why choose only one?)

These people are often upfront about their unavailability but not always. 

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9 hours ago, Wise Wally said:

 Are you saying he needs to share his feelings more? That's not strong and women generally don't want that.  

You sound like my dad, my role model. It's taken me the better part of 6 decades to realize why he's always been a failure with women and to change my own habits so as not to mirror his, and try to express my feelings more. My girlfriend is right when out of frustration with me being emotionally unavailable she says "you're just like your father!".

Old habits die hard Wally, however the first step in making improvements in yourself is to be accountable and well informed as to what's appropriate and what isn't, and what's important to your relationship partner. You sir, have got a ways to go yet.

 

 

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