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Need_Advice
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My girlfriend ended things between us not long ago. She started talking and going out with her sister's fiance best friend. She can't really be alone so one of the things we did while we were together was I always came to the apartment we got together at night to sleep over no matter if I worked double or went to my house my brother and I got together. We have about 4 months left on the lease and my stuff are still in the apartment however I am not allowed to be in there when she is around but I found out from her  the guy she's been seeing for week has been sleeping over. The reason why she broke up with me was because I texted other people while I was with her because I got frustrated sometimes when she was too much but I never wanted to leave the relationship. I realized that I had my priorities wrong from working so much and not spending enough quality time together so I put in a month notice at my other job to show her it was wrong of me to not pay attention and spend more time and deeply sorry for texting other people even tho I never met them or did anything with them but I admit that is still considered cheating. I just don't know what to do if I should give up because this guy is literally sleeping over at the apartment and who knows what they have been doing. We have a dog together so I get to pick him up sometimes from the apartment and take him on a walk. I feel like the only reason why my stuff is at the apartment is because my name is on the lease and she has a bad credit and if I cancel everything it will be really bad for her. I have been working on myself and know I am a changed person and I want to be with her for the rest of my life but I can't take it with everything going on with her and the guy. I just need advice and if there's more information or question anyone has please ask me. Thanks

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So actually it's your apt. since your name is on the lease, not hers.  She cant keep you out of YOUR apt.  A police man can help you get inside if that's what you want.

She's got a new boyfriend, so you have been dumped.

If I was you I'd have her evicted and you move in to that apt. or lease it out to someone else, or else see if her name can be put on the lease and your name removed.

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5 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

So actually it's your apt. since your name is on the lease, not hers.  She cant keep you out of YOUR apt.  A police man can help you get inside if that's what you want.

She's got a new boyfriend, so you have been dumped.

If I was you I'd have her evicted and you move in to that apt. or lease it out to someone else, or else see if her name can be put on the lease and your name removed.

It happened so fast it has me really confused with myself it hurts really bad knowing after a week of me starting to stay at my house to give her space to get to realize I made mistakes and I am willing to do anything to make it work, this guy tells her he's liked her for a while he just wanted to be respectful of our relationship. And like I said she really can't sleep alone. Ever since we started dating before we got the apartment I have been sleeping over at her mom's where she lived and her at my house. I asked her if she's willing to make things work and she said I was the one that cheated "so no for now" And when I took the dog out on a walk the other day I tried to convince her she's making a mistake and she was like " who knows this might not workout"

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It sounds like she's shopping around for a better deal, while she has you sitting on the shelf. Why stoop to the level of allowing her to demote you to the role of a doormat?

At any rate since your name is on the lease they both need to go, and find a new place to play house on their dime, rather than yours.

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22 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

It sounds like she's shopping around for a better deal, while she has you sitting on the shelf. Why stoop to the level of allowing her to demote you to the role of a doormat?

At any rate since your name is on the lease they both need to go, and find a new place to play house on their dime, rather than yours.

Well, he cheated so wouldn't she be the doormat if she allowed him to stay?

OP, how did you think texting other women would be OK while you were supposed to be in a relationship?  Because you were "frustrated"?  Did you think she would never find out?

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Well, he cheated so wouldn't she be the doormat if she allowed him to stay?

OP, how did you think texting other women would be OK while you were supposed to be in a relationship?  Because you were "frustrated"?  Did you think she would never find out?

I admit and take full responsibility for texting other people.  I don't want to come off as defensive. I was burnt out from two jobs and school and family back home which I support asking for help and I was worried about money always so I tried to work so hard but while doing that and she being very needy( she wanted too much attention) it got frustrating and at one point I doubted the relationship that is why I did that which is very wrong and not the way to handle something like that. Like I mentioned I have worked on myself realized there's more to life than trying to comfortable financially and not happy. This is my first real relationship. Growing up African  where I am from your parents always frowned on being with a girl and after I moved here the culture is different and everything is different and I found the best person to call my everything and I ***ed up. 

I like to think it's not too late to win her back or you think it is? 

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When your name is on the lease and you're paying rent, nobody can tell you that you're not 'allowed' to be there.

Two options: Tell her you intend to pay the fee to cut the lease short unless she gives you untroubled access to the place whenever you want to go there--for as long as you wish, even to sleep there.

Otherwise, set up a date to get your stuff, and tell her that you'd prefer to do this without a police escort, but if she gives you any trouble, that's what she's facing, because it's your lease.

Trying to be a 'nice' guy isn't going to get her back. Stand up for yourself, and if you want to keep the  place, tell her a date by which she needs to be out of there. Period.

 

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46 minutes ago, Need_Advice said:

she being very needy( she wanted too much attention) it got frustrating and at one point I doubted the relationship that is why I did that which is very wrong and not the way to handle something like that.

One is allowed to have 'friends' to talk to.  Doesn't mean you were actually 'cheating'.

But, she chose to walk away, then let her....

How I see all of this, is you find her too much and were questioning all of this anyways.

If you can not cut the lease short, tell her she needs to still pay - or get out.

 

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2 hours ago, Need_Advice said:

The reason why she broke up with me was because I texted other people while I was with her because I got frustrated sometimes when she was too much but I never wanted to leave the relationship.

It seems like this is getting overlooked.  Everyone seems to want to blame her, but why does he get a free pass for doing this?

She didn't cheat and she didn't just randomly break up.  You chose to step outside of the relationship.  Of course she broke up after you did that.

However, it is still your apartment.  Tell her you intend to continue to have access to your own home and if she objects she is free to move out.

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Thank you all for your suggestions and opinions. I did a terrible thing I cannot undo. I hope she realizes she is making a mistake jumping right into a relationship with this guy because she needs that emotional support and thinks about the good times and the dog because co-parenting him sucks and that she realizes we can get back stronger and raise the family we always wanted. 

 

Thank you all and have a good night. 

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4 minutes ago, Need_Advice said:

Thank you all for your suggestions and opinions. I did a terrible thing I cannot undo. I hope she realizes she is making a mistake jumping right into a relationship with this guy because she needs that emotional support and thinks about the good times and the dog because co-parenting him sucks and that she realizes we can get back stronger and raise the family we always wanted. 

 

Thank you all and have a good night. 

Leaving your own apartment to let her have at it with him isn't going to win her back.

If you want your stuff or you want your home, lay down your ground rules, and get them.

She'll respect you more for THAT than for acting like a doormat.

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3 hours ago, Need_Advice said:

I hope she realizes she is making a mistake jumping right into a relationship with this guy because she needs that emotional support

You are over-looking the reason why she isn't making a mistake by breaking up with you. You were talking to other women, OP. I gather it was inappropriate conversation. That is grounds for a break-up by many people's standards, and it would not be a mistake. 

Whether she's got other male company now is not the main problem. The main problem is that you hurt her and betrayed her trust, and showed her that you don't value her. Your lack of insight into why all of that means she doesn't want a future with you is really quite astonishing. It's not about her realizing you two can come back stronger and raise a family - it's about you realizing that you blew it. She is wise to stay broken up from you. 

Having said that, she cannot keep you out of your own home. Your name is on that lease, so you get to come and go as you wish. It's absurd that she's trying to tell you otherwise, just so you don't disrupt her boink-fest with this new guy.  

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10 hours ago, Need_Advice said:

 my house my brother and I got together. We have about 4 months left on the lease and my stuff are still in the apartment 

Arrange a mutually convenient time to collect your belongings.  You have your own place. Stop paying your portion of the bills and rent, if you were doing that.

Is the house you own your legal residence? 

This is simple. You cheated and she kicked you out. Now you're living in your own house.

Whatever stuff you have there you can go get. But you'll have to arrange a mutually convenient time.

You're not "co-parenting" a dog. Decide who keeps the dog.

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7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Arrange a mutually convenient time to collect your belongings.  You have your own place. Stop paying your portion of the bills and rent, if you were doing that.

Is the house you own your legal residence? 

This is simple. You cheated and she kicked you out. Now you're living in your own house.

Whatever stuff you have there you can go get. But you'll have to arrange a mutually convenient time.

You're not "co-parenting" a dog. Decide who keeps the dog.

The apartment was like my primary residence. I only went to see my brother at my house on Wednesdays but no every wednesday. So since this happened a few weeks ago( me starting to not spend the night everyday) we still text here and there I talked to her and she wants to move all the bills in her name. But I don't want to be told when I can see the dog and when I can't because the guy might be around. She listens to her sister a lot and I feel like it's all her idea to date her finance's friend literally right after I started not going there every night because she said she needed space. I know it's very hard for her to sleep alone. I feel that way too now after being with her for a year. What if he is entertaining this guy for the time that we are not together because she needs company or is she done done? what I have been doing is I grab stuff I need for work for the week and have them in my car. I can't sleep at my house it doesn't feel like home so I park my car at my house and stay in my car and I can't sleep at all. I have been going on walks and journaling and playing Pokemon but it only helps for a little bit then it's back to me feeling super sick to my stomach and what I should have done to keep the relationship and what I should do to try to get her back.

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42 minutes ago, Need_Advice said:

The apartment was like my primary residence. she wants to move all the bills in her name. I have been doing is I grab stuff I need for work for the week and have them in my car. I can't sleep at my house it doesn't feel like home

Excellent. Put everything in her name. Arrange a time to get your stuff and live in your primary residence that you own.

"Feels like", "was like"  is nonsense. No one is forcing you to sleep in your car. You cheated, you own your own home, stop harassing her. 

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55 minutes ago, Need_Advice said:

The apartment was like my primary residence.

I can't sleep at my house it doesn't feel like home so I park my car at my house 

I'm confused now. Is this apartment not actually your primary residence? You said your name is on the lease so I assumed that it was your home. 

But then you also say "my house" - do you have your own home separately, that is not this shared apartment? 

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So, she was bit "too much" and you texted some other girls? And she broke up but you still share a place together?

First of all, she broke up and literally bringing some other dude at your own place. There is no reconciliation there, that is over. Share the dog or let one or other take care of it, but after lease is over, just move out on your own and let her move in with other guy or whatever she wants. She is literally keeping you there for the name on the lease, that you cant even be at your own(by lease) place is ridiculous. You were both way over the top. You with "emotionally cheating" and her with using you because its convinient for now. So its best to just cut all out. You are way too focused to please her. While she doesnt care and even brings another dude home. Its still your place. Even if she brings another guy, she cant forbid you to be there. In fact, pretty sure since your name is on the lease you can do it to her. So demand to be able to sleep for 4 months there. If she objects tell her that you will involve police. If she wants to be there for 4 months because its convinient you can at least demand your rights.

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm confused now. Is this apartment not actually your primary residence? You said your name is on the lease so I assumed that it was your home. 

But then you also say "my house" - do you have your own home separately, that is not this shared apartment? 

Sorry for the confusion it is. I sleep there everyday. And yes I have a house separately.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

So, she was bit "too much" and you texted some other girls? And she broke up but you still share a place together?

First of all, she broke up and literally bringing some other dude at your own place. There is no reconciliation there, that is over. Share the dog or let one or other take care of it, but after lease is over, just move out on your own and let her move in with other guy or whatever she wants. She is literally keeping you there for the name on the lease, that you cant even be at your own(by lease) place is ridiculous. You were both way over the top. You with "emotionally cheating" and her with using you because its convinient for now. So its best to just cut all out. You are way too focused to please her. While she doesnt care and even brings another dude home. Its still your place. Even if she brings another guy, she cant forbid you to be there. In fact, pretty sure since your name is on the lease you can do it to her. So demand to be able to sleep for 4 months there. If she objects tell her that you will involve police. If she wants to be there for 4 months because its convinient you can at least demand your rights.

You're right I will let her decide it's her life. And I will work with her on moving my stuff

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12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

When your name is on the lease and you're paying rent, nobody can tell you that you're not 'allowed' to be there.

Two options: Tell her you intend to pay the fee to cut the lease short unless she gives you untroubled access to the place whenever you want to go there--for as long as you wish, even to sleep there.

Otherwise, set up a date to get your stuff, and tell her that you'd prefer to do this without a police escort, but if she gives you any trouble, that's what she's facing, because it's your lease.

Trying to be a 'nice' guy isn't going to get her back. Stand up for yourself, and if you want to keep the  place, tell her a date by which she needs to be out of there. Period.

 

This ^^^

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1 hour ago, Need_Advice said:

Sorry for the confusion it is. I sleep there everyday. And yes I have a house separately.

Then it's not your residence and you have no business being there. You have your own house. Live there.  Get your stuff out of her apt.

You cheated, she kicked you out. So move on. It is Not your apt. 

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12 hours ago, Need_Advice said:

Thank you all for your suggestions and opinions. I did a terrible thing I cannot undo. I hope she realizes she is making a mistake jumping right into a relationship with this guy because she needs that emotional support and thinks about the good times and the dog because co-parenting him sucks and that she realizes we can get back stronger and raise the family we always wanted. 

 

Thank you all and have a good night. 

Regardless of what you did, I think she's taking advantage of you if you are paying the rent on the leased apartment. This relationship isn't working and too chaotic. In order to fill a void or deal with the disappointment of lost intimacy or connection with your partner, you turned to others. I'm not reiterating this to make you feel worse. It's a coping mechanism that you have to change or the pattern will repeat itself in other relationships. Change how you cope with difficulties. When the going gets rough, turn to a hobby or another healthy habit that helps to clear your mind. 

She is similar to you, ironically, in that in a break up or in loneliness, she also seeks comfort of others and can't seem to be on her own. All this compounds the issue of the break up and dealing with each other if you're turning to other individuals instead of accepting the break up and severing ties cleanly, respectfully. 

Hopefully you have all you need now to completely move on. You have seen what she is. You know what you are too. There's room for change and improvement and a lot of space now to move on. Clear your things out and leave this relationship in the past. 

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