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Confront wife about affair?


Sanbecks
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I’m 95% sure that my wife slept with my friend 5 years ago and I’m in a dilemma as to whether I confront her with it and turn mine and my kids’ life upside down or deal with it and allow our 3 kids to continue their happy family life.

 

Backstory: been married since 2008 and have 3 kids. In 2016 was living in my wife’s home country in SE Asia and my friend came to visit. He stayed for a couple of nights on our house then he and I travelled to a different part of the country for 3 days and then went our separate ways. That last night at our house before my friend and I went on our trip was when I think it happened. My wife’s father had recently died and she was ‘hosting’ the funeral process…basically the coffin is in the family home and people come around to pay respects, eat and drink and play cards etc. My friend and I spent the evening with them and then went for a meal and went back to my house. Early the next morning my wife woke me up so that I could go and catch a bus at which point she told me that she’d slept downstairs on the sofa as she didn’t want to wake me. Our spare bedroom where my friend was staying was also downstairs. The kids and their grandma (who lived with us) had all stayed over at the family home where the funeral was taking place. I didn’t think anything of this at the time as I was half asleep and also it was an unusual time with her grieving for her father and she often stayed up all night at the funeral.

 

Fast forward to being back in the UK and my friend has sorted me a job where he’s my line manager. He’s a big extrovert and one of his idiosyncrasies is to subtlety make fun of people in plain sight by saying stuff really quickly that you’d think ‘no way he’s said that’. He does it to our big boss all the time and is really proud of it and tells me about it. Thing is, as I know that’s his little game I’ve picked up on it a few times when he’s mentioned my wife in conversation. It’s always ambiguous with plausible deniability so I haven’t been able to call him out on it but last week he was a bit overt. He was in conversation with some colleagues at a work event and he was discussing how despite being good with words he’d always found it hard to pick up women, ‘except xxxxxx’s’ (insert my name). Like I said, he speaks at 100mph so he likes to drop these lines in and then move on so that you haven’t got time to process it. But it’s about the 3rd or 4th time so coupled with the weirdness about my wife ‘sleeping on the sofa’ that night I’m pretty sure it happened.

 

Sidebar….about a year before this event she admitted to having an affair with someone else after I presented her with irrefutable evidence. Swore blind that it was a one off and that she valued our kid’s happiness not to do it again.

 

So my dilemma is whether I confront her with my suspicions. 

 

Which she’ll deny and I have no proof so it will cause a massive rift between us.

 

Or if she admits to it and then do I ruin my children’s happiness and seek a divorce? Not only that but I’ll need to leave my job that I’ve been happy in for 5 years.

 

Or do I forgive her and try to get past it as I don’t think they’ve met up in the UK (but I’m not 100%)

 

Or do I suck it up and just suppress it all to maintain my family and work harmony at the risk of my self esteem?

 

 

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I find it hard to believe someone cheated with that many people in the same house and a body and grieving. I couldn’t even hardly form words when my father died and he was a grade A jerk. So if your wife did that she is ice ice cold. Said friend sounds like he is talking the p$$$. 

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So she cheated on you once before this as well?

Wow, she's a keeper 😕 .

Does all of this make you happy? Feel secure?

If she's got such a history I am not sure why you didn;t end it back then? ( and id you are not always aware of that saying ' once a cheater always a cheater').

is maybe best to just say enough with her.. and if you want, sure confront her ( and maybe your 'friend' as well?).  See IF either come clean on it. ( but honestly you have no real 'proof').

 

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10 hours ago, Sanbecks said:

 one of his idiosyncrasies is to subtlety make fun of people in plain sight by saying stuff really quickly that you’d think ‘no way he’s said that’. 

It depends.  Do you believe with a house full of mourners, your kids and her mother, her father's dead body in the house during all this, she's sleeping with your friends or believe this clown's bad sense of humor?

As far as the past... how did this cheating occur and how did you find out?

Try marriage therapy. Ask your friend why he's making lewd remarks about your wife.

 

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You forgave your wife the first time, which is fine.  You need to get your friend's side of the story on this one. If he's willing to make jokes about it, then he might be willing to come clean.  If he does, then you need new friends and an ex-wife.  If she looked you in the eyes and begged forgiveness the first time only do to it again is pretty evil, especially given the setting.  She's also most likely done it more than twice.  

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Wait what???

House full of relatives, her fathers dead body in the living room, people staying up late mourning and you think she went to the spare bedroom to bang your friend?

Pretty sick.

  Instead of confronting your wife why don't you confront your so called friend? 

I know guys like this that like to start crap but when you face them they tuck their tail between their legs and hide behind something. "I was just kidding"  "I didn't say that, you mis-heard me"  "I was just playing around to get a rise out of you"

You have nothing other than vague comments from your friend.  If you want answers sack up and call him on it, if not let it go and if he mentions it again pull him aside and let him know if he ever implies anything like that again you and he will have a big problem.

Lost

PS There is no way with this lack of evidence you are 95% sure she cheated.  You are maybe 20% and only because she cheated before.

Edited by lostandhurt
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1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Wait what???

House full of relatives, her fathers dead body in the living room, people staying up late mourning and you think she went to the spare bedroom to bang your friend?

Pretty sick.

  Instead of confronting your wife why don't you confront your so called friend? 

I know guys like this that like to start crap but when you face them they tuck their tail between their legs and hide behind something. "I was just kidding"  "I didn't say that, you mis-heard me"  "I was just playing around to get a rise out of you"

You have nothing other than vague comments from your friend.  If you want answers sack up and call him on it, if not let it go and if he mentions it again pull him aside and let him know if he ever implies anything like that again you and he will have a big problem.

Lost

PS There is no way with this lack of evidence you are 95% sure she cheated.  You are maybe 20% and only because she cheated before.

I agree the friend sounds like a pig. My husband had a friend like this who said something lewd about me and said friend was permanently kicked out of his life that minute . 

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23 hours ago, Sanbecks said:

…basically the coffin is in the family home and people come around to pay respects, eat and drink and play cards etc. My friend and I spent the evening with them and . . . went back to my house. Early the next morning my wife woke me up so that I could go and catch a bus at which point she told me that she’d slept downstairs on the sofa as she didn’t want to wake me. Our spare bedroom where my friend was staying was also downstairs. The kids and their grandma (who lived with us) had all stayed over at the family home where the funeral was taking place.

 

 

OP can clarify but I read it as the "family home" and OP's home are two different places and everyone else was at the family home but OP, wife and friend were the only ones in OP's home.

At any rate, if it were me, it's been five years so confronting now seems to make very little sense, especially since it's all speculation and zero proof.  Frankly I'd wait til the next time she cheats and then confront without delay.

P.S. If your "friend" did, in fact, slip the sausage to your wife, or you suspect he did, why are you giving him the time of day?  And then makes comments about her to boot?  Yeah, um . . . no.

Edited by waffle
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If your wife has already cheated on you once or had an affair, you might want to go the long route and try marriage counselling. There are issues in your marriage pre-existing the remarks from this so-called friend. 

Your line manager/friend makes grotesque comments and seems to think those comments are funny which is only a reflection of him and his inferiority complex. Confront him about the comments about your wife or mention that it's uncalled for. He's doing it because he makes him feel good or feel in control of a situation. Unfortunately he isn't aware it presents him as the complete opposite. You might want to reconsider a new job in the process as this company hires and keeps unprofessional managers.

 

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18 hours ago, Wise Wally said:

You forgave your wife the first time, which is fine.  You need to get your friend's side of the story on this one. If he's willing to make jokes about it, then he might be willing to come clean.  If he does, then you need new friends and an ex-wife.  If she looked you in the eyes and begged forgiveness the first time only do to it again is pretty evil, especially given the setting.  She's also most likely done it more than twice

I second ^

She is damn evil and you have very low self worth to stay in a relationship with a cheater.

Get your story straight, and then talk to her.

Ifyou feel like trust is no longer here, either try couple's therapy or divorce for the sake of your children. Children pick up a lot from an unhappy household, and if they know one of the parents is a cheater, it messes them up very badly. So you need to leave, not stay, for them.

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On 9/27/2021 at 12:56 AM, Sanbecks said:

He was in conversation with some colleagues at a work event and he was discussing how despite being good with words he’d always found it hard to pick up women, ‘except xxxxxx’s’ (insert my name). Like I said, he speaks at 100mph so he likes to drop these lines in and then move on so that you haven’t got time to process it

No. You just need to learn to assert yourself and speak up, OP. This guy isn't some master orator. You needed to stop him right there, and tell him plainly to knock it off. He keeps doing it because he's a jerk and not your friend, and you evidently are afraid to stand up to him. 

Whether or not he cheated with your wife, well, it's anyone's guess. But you already know she is capable of it. The trust has clearly not been repaired. You have some big decisions to make. 

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You say you forgave her for her first indiscretion?  Well, not necessarily.  This is a perfect example of the consequence of staying in a marriage with someone who has shown you that it's in their character to cheat.  It rears it's ugly head and you can't help but wonder if it happened again.  You never get the trust back.  

Having said that, I don't know what to tell you.   You managed to move forward once before and you keep referring to having a happy family.  Only you know if you have it in you to do it again.

If you are ultimately unhappy, it will spill over to your children.  Kids tend to be better adjusted with two separate happy parents than an two unhappy parents under the same roof.

Edited by reinventmyself
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