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New! From the man who tells me I hold onto things too long


quark
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I'm back for more abuse from this forum.  Lay it on me.  I'm so numb right now I don't even care.

You may remember this topic a while back:  https://www.enotalone.com/topic/450462-i-am-still-in-itjust-ventingtime-is-ticking/

Which, spoiler alert.  It is now the end of September and I highly doubt I will have the balls anytime soon to end this relationship.  Anyway, back on Aug 7 I made a nasty remark about our outside heater and how little we use it.  A few days ago, the boyfriend and I were talking about what to do his birthday weekend, when he suggested that he wanted to invite his friend over for football.  I said cool, maybe if it's nice out we can sit outside on the deck and set the TV up like we do sometimes.  Yes, he said.  And even if it's colder we can put out the heater.  Oh wait, nevermind .. you hate the heater.

What I should have done is asked him why he would bring it up like that with such a sarcastic tone.  But instead I played dumb like I would have no idea why he thinks I hate the heater.

 

Yesterday, Friday, I went shopping after work.  It took a little more time than I thought, so I arrived home pretty late.  Say around 8:15/8:30.  I had already made plans to cook dinner and starting it late wasn't going to stop me.  Dinner took a lot longer to put together than I thought also, so when he arrived home from work at about 9:40, he gave me a completely disgusted facial reaction when he saw that I was cooking.  Why am I cooking dinner so late he says.  Why wouldn't I have just stopped on the way home from shopping and gotten something?  I don't understand why he was so upset that I was cooking dinner late?  Firstly, I don't want to stop and get fast food, it makes me feel bloated and crappy.  Secondly, I care about him too and what if he was hungry when he got in from work?  He got upset with me for taking him into consideration.  Do what I want, he says.  But ... coming home and cooking dinner is what I wanted though.  Again, I don't understand the reason to be upset over this.

 

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Have you sat down and discussed these things with him?  I would assume your comments about the heater stuck in his head for him to remember them from a while ago and drag them up again.  Perhaps it's what you said and how you said it?

I thought it was kind that you were making dinner later in the evening for him, I probably would have gotten some fast food somewhere or tossed a frozen pizza in the oven.  Why not ask him why he acted like he did?

 

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4 hours ago, quark said:

  It is now the end of September and I highly doubt I will have the balls anytime soon to end this relationship.

Is there a reason for this?

When you two plainly do not get along... so you each tolerate each other is all...right?

IMO, he just sounds critical, re: his remarks . He's snappy at you and awaiting some type of 'reaction'.

And it just sounds this is how you two roll.  To tick each other off with snide remarks.  Are there truly a lot of decent days between?

Maybe you two need to smarten this kind of thing up.  Does he know you want to leave?

I just don't understand why you choose to stay when you've felt so defeated for so long?

 

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10 hours ago, quark said:

I played dumb like I would have no idea why he thinks I hate the heater.

Good! This was smart.

Quote

Again, I don't understand the reason to be upset over this.

That's all I'd say about it. Then I'd give him a kiss and offer him a plate.

If he didn't want the plate, I'd return it to the cupboard, fill my own plate, offer him a glass of wine or whatever he drinks. Whether he accepts that or not, I'd move my own plate to the table and start eating.

Not everything 'must' be a power struggle.

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11 hours ago, quark said:

It is now the end of September and I highly doubt I will have the balls anytime soon to end this relationship.

Given this, what is it you are looking for here? 

You know this is unhealthy. You know these arguments are not really about a heater or dinner. Yet you stay. 

So, what advice are you seeking here? 

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8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Given this, what is it you are looking for here? 

You know this is unhealthy. You know these arguments are not really about a heater or dinner. Yet you stay. 

So, what advice are you seeking here? 

I second this question.

You both are clearly miserable. 

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20 hours ago, quark said:

I don't want to stop and get fast food, it makes me feel bloated and crappy.  

You mentioned you wanted to stop the seething resentment bickering loop, but keep the nonsense arguments going and escalating.

Step away from it. You do your thing, he does his if you want to coexist in peace.

Clearly the relationship is over but since you can't afford to move you'll have to make it a bit more palatable for both of you by ignoring snide remarks and avoiding making them yourself.

Stop trying to cook/eat together for example if your schedules don't allow it and your food preferences don't match. Focus on being roommates who live their own lives rather than continually trying to micromanage him.

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21 hours ago, quark said:

He got upset with me for taking him into consideration.  Do what I want, he says.  

 

Take his advice.  He is telling you what he wants/doesn't want in the . . . relationship.  You need to listen.

 

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22 hours ago, quark said:

I said cool, maybe if it's nice out we can sit outside on the deck and set the TV up like we do sometimes.  Yes, he said.  And even if it's colder we can put out the heater.  Oh wait, nevermind .. you hate the heater.

What I should have done is asked him why he would bring it up like that with such a sarcastic tone.  But instead I played dumb like I would have no idea why he thinks I hate the heater.

Actually, what you should have done was Option C -- saying something like, "Au contraire! The heater and I have reconciled. I think it's a good idea to have the heater out if it's cold!"

It's interesting that you didn't identify cracking a joke (even a bad joke) as an option. It probably would have diffused the situation.

Instead, you presented two options that feed the conflict even more. Questioning his tone is useless. You know why he's being sarcastic. The heater crawled up his ass and died there last month.

Playing dumb is marginally better. You did good by avoiding the bait. But you didn't put the fire out completely. He still has something to complain about.

22 hours ago, quark said:

He got upset with me for taking him into consideration.

Maybe he's having an affair, and justifies the affair by telling the girl he's sleeping with that you're a terrible partner. And she buys it, which allows him to believe his own lie. But then he comes home and finds you caring about him the way that you always do, and he has to eat his lie. How inconvenient. No wonder he's outraged.

Edited by Jibralta
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Its OK, you just want to "unload" on us...

Why are you still with the man who is emotionally abusing you by telling you that you are a bad person? You already know that he is doing all those things on purpose to bring you down. And that even when you do something nice for him like making dinner he will try to do that. Stop trying to make him admit that he is doing these things on purpose when you can see for yourself that he is looking for an argument even if you try to be nice to him.

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Basically unloaded on him last night about how not okay I am.  How with every stupid fight, it chips away at me a little more.   I'm tired,  exhausted.  I feel like I have gone through so much in this relationship and almost feel like I have nothing left to give.   Not surprisingly, he had seemingly no idea it was so 'bad', although I straight up told him "I am not happy" a couple months ago.   That sentiment has not changed.  Not sure if/why he thought it did?

I agreed that I hold onto things for too long and get lost in the past.  I explained it like every time he says something hurtful or I have a particularly depressing/painful feeling about us that I put it into this little box in my mind.   Anytime he makes a facial expression or scoffs just a little,  it's like that box gets tipped over and I relive each one of those feelings/words all over again.   I don't know why I'm like this.   I also threw in some woes about life regrets, sadness over never getting married, having no one in my life and feeling like I have no purpose for good measure.

He said to me that he would rather fight with me everyday than be without me.

I thought about that one a lot, and said to him the next day how different the dynamic of our "fights" are.  How when we get into it, he comes from a place of judgment and control.   It's no skin off his teeth to fight like this because he isn't the one being attacked. 

 

I should add that when I express my feelings he will almost always say that he disagrees with whatever point I am trying to make.   I feel like he will never admit wrongdoing, except for much later in a self loathing type way ("I'm such a bad boyfriend")

In response to me basically admitting to being horribly depressed, he gave me a holier than thou speech about how he handles things in life instead of hearing me/supporting me.

Edited by quark
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