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Is it is okay for me to ask him how much time he needs?


ShopLady
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Since you have made up your mind about one more week, there's nothing else to do but busy yourself. Go out and make plans with your friends, chat with your daughter and other family. Take a day to pamper yourself too, get your hair done for you, take care of yourself and forget this man. I would not bother with a check in. He is not a baby in another room.

In the meantime, you're a mother, have other responsibilities, likely support yourself and are your own woman. What is this man all about? Is he employed? Does he partake or contribute in society? What else does he do with his free time. Take the time to think about whether he's a good choice for you. You keep wanting someone because he presents a void and possibility of loss. Shift things a little and start thinking in your own best interests. 

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1 hour ago, ShopLady said:

I think my asking him those questions about what he wants and how he feels scared him a bit because I don’t think he has ever had to really confront them before. 

He's not "scared".  He's just not on the same page as you, hence referring to you as a "companion".

If he felt the same way you do he'd be worried about losing you.  Instead, he's telling you he needs more and more time to "think".  Think about what?  Likely if he wants to continue with this "companionship" or not.  Not about his feelings.  He knows what those are.

The man I told you about would have been fine with me continuing to drive to his place to spend weekends with him.  He told me it was "convenient" for him because I provided sex and companionship.  Well, I wasn't looking to be a "convenience" for some man.  I wanted a love relationship.  He didn't love me.  So I made the choice to stop.

Interestingly, years later he tried to reconnect with me.  Twice.   Most recently about 6 months ago.  Not because he suddenly realized he did in fact love me, but because he was companion-less and figured I was still crazy about him so I'd be willing to provide him once again with sex and companionship.  I wasn't.  So I told him "no".  I don't regret it either.

I would think you'd want a man who knows for a fact he's crazy about you and wants to be with you in a true love relationship.  Not a man who needs weeks to "think" and who refers to you as a "companion".

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41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I would think you'd want a man who knows for a fact he's crazy about you and wants to be with you in a true love relationship.  Not a man who needs weeks to "think" and who refers to you as a "companion".

Well, I thought he was crazy about me. I just assumed he felt the same way I did about him. I do want a true love relationship. But part of me is interested to find out if it will go that way with him. In reality, it probably won’t. He knows how much that hurt me to hear. I think he feels badly about it. I agree he’s thinking about whether he wants to continue the companionship. I would also think that if he cares in the least about me, he’ll reach out in some capacity and talk whether good or bad. As I have said in previous posts to this, I’m only giving him another week before I have to move on. I shouldn’t even give him that. I should have dropped him when he said I wasn’t his girlfriend. It’s just ridiculous that this is happening in the first place. 
 

 

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1 minute ago, ShopLady said:

Well, I thought he was crazy about me. I just assumed he felt the same way I did about him. I do want a true love relationship. But part of me is interested to find out if it will go that way with him. In reality, it probably won’t. He knows how much that hurt me to hear. I think he feels badly about it. I agree he’s thinking about whether he wants to continue the companionship. I would also think that if he cares in the least about me, he’ll reach out in some capacity and talk whether good or bad. As I have said in previous posts to this, I’m only giving him another week before I have to move on. I shouldn’t even give him that. I should have dropped him when he said I wasn’t his girlfriend. It’s just ridiculous that this is happening in the first place. 
 

 

It's a learning experience.  I did the same thing, just figured since he pursued me and was super enthusiastic about spending time with me in the beginning and never once told me not to come stay with him, we were a couple and were at least heading toward being in love (I already was).  But when I finally got up the nerve to ask him (should have been a big red flag that I was afraid to ask), that's when he said he liked me but he wasn't in love and probably wouldn't be.  Not after 8 months, when he definitely would have known by then.

I hope if he doesn't have a definitive answer in a week (not "I don't know, I need more time") that you'll have enough self worth to walk away.  And no, I am not saying it will be "easy".  But neither is living in limbo hoping and waiting.

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21 minutes ago, ShopLady said:

Well, I thought he was crazy about me. I just assumed he felt the same way I did about him. I do want a true love relationship. But part of me is interested to find out if it will go that way with him. In reality, it probably won’t. He knows how much that hurt me to hear. I think he feels badly about it. I agree he’s thinking about whether he wants to continue the companionship. I would also think that if he cares in the least about me, he’ll reach out in some capacity and talk whether good or bad. As I have said in previous posts to this, I’m only giving him another week before I have to move on. I shouldn’t even give him that. I should have dropped him when he said I wasn’t his girlfriend. It’s just ridiculous that this is happening in the first place. 
 

 

Instead of playing hurry-up-and-wait with him, let him miss you.

Get your fight arranged to your family enjoy yourself, forget the concert.

Don't be a doormat. "Companions" are doormats. GFs have their own full exciting lives.

Let him "think" while you're away. Text minimally. When you saturate and smother it creates boredom and indifference.

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This has been going on for 2 weeks?

Yeah, I say enough now!  He's had plenty of time to 'think' on your 'relationship'.

If he hasn't figured his **** out by now, it's a joke 😕 .

IF he were truly into you it wouldn't take this much time OR any reason to act like this.

So, walk away from it all .. In 7 months one would know what/ if they feel a certain way for someone.

Go away as YOU planned.. skip the concert and skip him.

Never beg or chase.  Keep you self respect 😉 

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3 hours ago, ShopLady said:

When he does communicate, he says things like he’s taking some time to think about things. He sent me a message the other day saying that he is doing some soul searching. I think my asking him those questions about what he wants and how he feels scared him a bit because I don’t think he has ever had to really confront them before. 
 

On the other hand, we have been together only a short time (about 7 months). That’s why I’m only giving him another week or so to reach out. I want him to understand that unless he talks to me, I’m pretty well done. 
 

The fact that he’s “thinking about things” might be a good sign, it could be a bad one. I told him yesterday to reach out when he feels ready to talk. The ball is in his court. I think I have told him all I can. 

I don't think that seven months is actually short at all. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I think this guy was honest that you are just a companion to him. He really doesn't seem sure about you. When you asked him, after seven months he should have said something like: "OK maybe it's time we make this relationship official and say we're boyfriend and girlfriend now". Instead he just said you're a companion and now he's taking time away from you and "thinking" about it. If he feels strongly about you and wants to be with you, what is there to think about?

I think if you want a serious relationship, you need to value yourself more and don't settle for anything less than what you deserve. You deserve a guy who actually wants to be with you and wouldn't hesitate in his answer that you are his girlfriend. I think you're wasting time on someone who doesn't feel that way about you.

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I don't think that seven months is actually short at all. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I think this guy was honest that you are just a companion to him. He really doesn't seem sure about you. When you asked him, after seven months he should have said something like: "OK maybe it's time we make this relationship official and say we're boyfriend and girlfriend now". Instead he just said you're a companion and now he's taking time away from you and "thinking" about it. If he feels strongly about you and wants to be with you, what is there to think about?

I think if you want a serious relationship, you need to value yourself more and don't settle for anything less than what you deserve. You deserve a guy who actually wants to be with you and wouldn't hesitate in his answer that you are his girlfriend. I think you're wasting time on someone who doesn't feel that way about you.

I agree, but I also think he’s thinking about what he wants, and that’s what he’s unsure of. He could very well only want a companion. He could also just not know entirely about anything with us, rather than him being unsure of me. This is iffy and can go either way. He’ll either decide that he wants me in his life, or have me out of it. I understand this is all him. I simply asked what he wanted and his feelings. I initially asked for time and space. However, I came around and reached out to him when I felt ready and he has not. This is also why I’m only giving him one more week. That’s plenty of time. This current time has already been plenty. I don’t honestly know what he’s thinking. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here. 

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:
3 hours ago, ShopLady said:

Instead of playing hurry-up-and-wait with him, let him miss you

That’s exactly why I was wondering about the contact. We have been minimally texting everyday. But curious about what would happen if it were less than that. Just for space. 

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6 minutes ago, ShopLady said:

I agree, but I also think he’s thinking about what he wants, and that’s what he’s unsure of. He could very well only want a companion. He could also just not know entirely about anything with us, rather than him being unsure of me. This is iffy and can go either way. He’ll either decide that he wants me in his life, or have me out of it. I understand this is all him. I simply asked what he wanted and his feelings. I initially asked for time and space. However, I came around and reached out to him when I felt ready and he has not. This is also why I’m only giving him one more week. That’s plenty of time. This current time has already been plenty. I don’t honestly know what he’s thinking. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here. 

Well, sure, give him some more time but I think don't chase him. If he wants you, he can come to you on his own. I'm sure you are a great woman and there are other guys out there who would be honoured to call you their girlfriend. 

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9 hours ago, ShopLady said:

Me and my boyfriend agreed to take some time apart. We had a falling out two weeks ago and we haven’t seen each other since. We have talked though. I originally asked for time and space. He needs it too. When I was ready I reached out to him and he asked for more time. Basically, he doesn’t really know what he wants and is asking for time to think about things. I’m okay with that. Just yesterday he said he needs more time, but I’m not going to wait forever. I told him to take as much time as he needs. But is it okay for me to ask him how much more time he needs, or just leave it alone? 

Time apart doesn’t always mean you broke up. Sometimes it’s good in a relationship and can actually strengthen it. What happened was that we never really established where things are at with us. I just assumed I was his girlfriend. I asked him a couple weeks ago what I am to him. He said I’m a “companion.” This really hurt me and I told him I wanted time and space, but I’m ready to talk and he isn’t. How much more time is honestly reasonable?

Honest opinion, this man isn't into you and he doesn't have the heart to tell you.

Companion means someone who he hangs out with now and then, but no attachments, nothing serious, and no actual relationship.

Him asking for more time is probably him cringing wanting to not see you again because he doesn't want a relationship with you but know you do.

My advice would be to tell him that you wish him the best, but that you're going to look elsewhere for romance.

I doubt he will mind. He sounds very unbothered at this point.

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6 hours ago, ShopLady said:

I tried to tell him how long I was willing to wait and he got upset. That’s why I decided to back off and tell him to take the time he needs. 

So you basically stood up for yourself and voiced what you wanted, he got upset/angry at that, so you bent in order to please him.

Don't do that.

If he cares about you at all, he will respect your feelings, not punish you for them or back off because you voice what you need/want.

Openly tell someone what you need/want. If they can't handle it, or get angry...tell them goodbye.

 

 

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He's not "scared".  He's just not on the same page as you, hence referring to you as a "companion".

100%.

You can't keep trying to force something that isn't, OP.

You're not his girlfriend. You're not in a relationship with this man. And he is not serious about any of it, otherwise he wouldn't be taking his time and not bothered or worried about losing YOU.

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1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

100%.

You can't keep trying to force something that isn't, OP.

You're not his girlfriend. You're not in a relationship with this man. And he is not serious about any of it, otherwise he wouldn't be taking his time and not bothered or worried about losing YOU.

I know I’m not his girlfriend. But I feel so hurt and heartbroken. I know he lead me on made me think there’s note there than what actually is. I know you’re right, but my heart and rational side tell me two different things. 

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25 minutes ago, ShopLady said:

I know I’m not his girlfriend. But I feel so hurt and heartbroken. I know he lead me on made me think there’s note there than what actually is. I know you’re right, but my heart and rational side tell me two different things. 

I think most people can relate to this.  but this is where it's on you to choose you and see things for what they are. 

It totally sucks and he's really being a loser with the whole 'not knowing what he wants' cooments.  he knows.  he just won't say it because he likes having you around.  

But the danger with this is, when he meets someone else. it will kill you how quickly he knows. 

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I’m really tempted to text him something simple like, “I hope you had a good day”, just so he knows I haven’t forgotten him. We’ve talked over text everyday since this happened. But everything tells me to leave him alone and if he wants to talk to me, he’ll contact me. He’ll be the one to reach out. I know that’s true. I am tired of being the one to care. It’s so frustrating!!! 

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8 hours ago, ShopLady said:

...we have been together only a short time (about 7 months). That’s why I’m only giving him another week or so to reach out. I want him to understand that unless he talks to me, I’m pretty well done. 

 

The fact that he’s “thinking about things” might be a good sign, it could be a bad one. 

Hun, it's not a good sign. You been together for 7 months and you're telling me he is still figuring out what he wants? If he was inclined to choose you, you would not be in this situation 7 months in to the relationship. Meaning relationships take a lot of work and it takes two. This guy might like you but he doesn't like you enough to put that extra work in.

I have a similar story to bolt and we might as well have been dating the same guy. Knowing I was just a convenience to this guy, it bruised my ego and made me second guess myself after - never thought I would say this about someone I was very compatible with and someone with great chemistry with. Luckily I cut it off 3rd month when he uttered "don't want to put all my eggs in one basket" speech. Then get this? I met my husband right after. 

So give this guy a week as you've planned. Me, personally, I think he has had sufficient amount of time to figure out what he wants. Just imagine the next time you guys have another disagreement. I wouldn't be happy with someone sulking or wanting space for 2 plus weeks.

 

 

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23 minutes ago, ShopLady said:

What if I meet someone else first? Because honestly, I have a good mind to just give up on him. 

I hope this happens. 

And if this is what you want to happen, it makes no sense that you're trying so hard to hold on to him. 

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20 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I have a similar story to bolt and we might as well have been dating the same guy. Knowing I was just a convenience to this guy, it bruised my ego and made me second guess myself after - never thought I would say this about someone I was very compatible with and someone with great chemistry with. Luckily I cut it off 3rd month when he uttered "don't want to put all my eggs in one basket" speech. Then get this? I met my husband right after. 

Me too! I was dating a man, I felt like he kept putting me off, treated me badly. I was sad, not knowing what I did wrong because I treated him so well.

I finally decided I had enough of being treated that way, and told him I didn't want to continue, even though I was scared I was making a mistake.

The next man I dated after him, I ended up marrying!!

I thank god I walked away from the man who was being terrible to me.

I remember feeling so sad and wondering what I was doing wrong and now I know it was just the wrong man.

 

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3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

My advice would be to tell him that you wish him the best, but that you're going to look elsewhere for romance.

I doubt he will mind. He sounds very unbothered at this point.

This is exactly why I wouldn't even bother telling him anything. I'd just stop contacting him or responding to his self-interested breadcrumbs.

Who wants to settle for crumbs?

Moving on isn't going to position you to 'lose' anything. He's not giving you anything to lose.

If he suddenly has some kind of eureka! moment, believe me, he'll have no problem letting you know this. Sticking around to remind him that you're invested doesn't help the situation--it's hovering, and it's not attractive. (Sorry.)

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2 hours ago, ShopLady said:

What if I meet someone else first? Because honestly, I have a good mind to just give up on him. 

This is a great idea. 

This guy is just not that into you. 7 more days of "space" isn't going to make him have feelings for you that he just doesn't have. Don't waste any more time on this. 

There are men out there who would be eager to date you and not need "time" after 7 months to "soul-search". Men who would gladly and proudly make you their girlfriend. This guy isn't one of them. The writing is on the wall here, ShopLady. Cut the dead weight loose. It's going to end sooner or later anyway. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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12 hours ago, ShopLady said:

I agree, but I also think he’s thinking about what he wants, and that’s what he’s unsure of. He could very well only want a companion. He could also just not know entirely about anything with us, rather than him being unsure of me. This is iffy and can go either way. He’ll either decide that he wants me in his life, or have me out of it. I understand this is all him. I simply asked what he wanted and his feelings. I initially asked for time and space. However, I came around and reached out to him when I felt ready and he has not. This is also why I’m only giving him one more week. That’s plenty of time. This current time has already been plenty. I don’t honestly know what he’s thinking. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here. 

I think you're speculating he is "thinking" about "what he wants".  I would be on board with this if a person had to consider a drastic lifestyle change to be with you -like if you got a job offer abroad and he had to consider whether he could make such a move after 7 months, job prospects, family responsibilities, etc.  I'm not on board with all this time to contemplate his navel/belly button.  And no it doesn't vary -that much- by individual - so don't go down the path of how our personal experiences are irrelevant, everyone is an individual, relationships aren't set in stone.  Nope.  With rare exception people move towards pleasure and away from pain - a woman or man who wants their partner also never ever would risk that partner getting snapped up by someone else while he/she thought about things. 

I took space in my past relationship -more than once but one time for a month where I didn't date anyone else (and told him he could if he really wanted to but I hoped he wouldn't - he did not).  I missed him a lot.  I thought my doubts were resolved - phantom type doubts, nothing concrete. 

We had a lovely "reconciliation" but the doubts soon resurfaced, shook me to the core.  It was so unfair to him -the back and forth, the limbo.  I didn't lie and in fact I shared too much about my doubts. 

It took me months after our final break up (7 years on and off) for the aha moment where I realized how wonderful he was and why we were not a good fit for marriage at all (we never even got engaged but he'd proposed). 

But I didn't spend that time "thinking" -we broke up - I spent my time living and dating and the aha moment came randomly from a mutual friend who made an observation about his personality and his temperament which wasn't critical at all but showed me why all of that time I'd been unsure.  I should have ended things years before I did.  He had a part in it too -he kept wanting to "try" again. 

Please don't be him.  There's really nothing to think about here -either he wants to be with you or he doesn't.  When my husband asked me if I wanted to get back together -we'd been engaged 7 years earlier - it took me 30 seconds to "think" - to feel scared, to feel flustered at the question, to be caught slightly off guard - 30 seconds.  Then, "yes!" through some teariness.  But "yes". 

Yes because I didn't "just know" -well I did "just know" but I also knew with head and heart to the core - I want to be with this person.  This imperfect person who comes with a potential move across the country in the future, whose name was on wedding invitations that were used as scrap paper by my mother, who was going to be long distance with me if we dated again. 

And I wasn't just saying yes to dating -we were getting back together to see if we should get married.  I am a perennial overthinker.  In everything.  A perennial worrier.  And I needed my 30 seconds to compose myself a bit, said yes and didn't look back -meaning I didn't have to think deeply again whether yes was the right answer - I did have to think and still do over how to deal with differences we might have, how to deal with relationship challenges, conflict. 

But I think about that while we are together, committed.  I don't have to leave him to think about it and it would never occur to me to do so.  Because when you want to be with someone and you're committed it's a given that the thinking part is not about whether you want to be together (or if it is, I suppose, it's momentary, fleeting, impulsive then resolved) - it's about thinking through how to resolve things to stay together.  This guy knows he doesn't want to be with you.  Because if he did he'd be with you.  The end.

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