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6 years of singleness - will it ever end?


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Some of you may be aware of this story as I have told you of my recent experience dating this lady over the last month or so.  I thank you all for your time and comments and advice.  Much appreciated and I thought it was time to post on here as well given the aftermath of what happened (and there were a few of you who encouraged me to do so).  

Without getting into the specific details, I was dating her for about a month, slightly long distance and we texted every day, quite a few lengthy phone calls and we spent two entire weekends together after a short initial meeting.  Although that doesn't seem very long, we really did connect or so I thought at least, found each other attractive and so on.  Last weekend which was my birthday infact I decided to spend it with her. I now realise that was a mistake as for most people your birthday can be an emotional day and spending it with someone who you don't know that well is a risk.  And in this case it's a risk that didn't pay off.  In brief, although there were some nice moments, I made some silly comments which did not go down well with her and as a result it led to probably killing the attraction.  Some of you will know the comments that I made and many of you have said that they were not extreme.  But I do think they were inappropriate despite the fact that I was joking and I apologised profusely.  Regardless, she didn't feel they were right and the day after I got back from seeing her we spoke on the phone and she said she wasn't at peace and couldn't get over the comments I made and she would take some time to think it over and decide whether we could continue dating.  A few days later, she texted me to say she hadn't changed her mind and wished me the best.  I reiterated those comments were out of character and I hated that she was hurting from them. I wished her the best as well and that was it.  

This was the closest I've come now to a relationship in more than 6 years.  I finally meet someone I am genuinely interested in (because that has been really difficult), have an attraction and a good connection with, only for it to end so abruptly.  I genuinely thought that this could work out and I would finally have a gf after all these years, and in a way that's why I went up to see her for my birthday.  I was feeling positive about the whole situation.  

I sometimes think maybe a relationship/marriage just isn't going to happen for me, no matter how much I want it.  I know dating isn't easy and for many of you on here you will be feeling the same.  I am battling against falling into self pity and a downward spiral of negativity but after 6 years, what hope is there of a breakthrough?  The two previous relationships I did have at 32 (3 months) and then at 29 (1 year) were both psychologically abusive as I didn't have boundaries and I let these women take advantage of my patience and tolerance by constantly testing me, gaslighting and disrespecting me.  So yeah I'm approaching the end of my 30s and I've had one pathetic relationship of 3 months.  I have dated alot though in this time, we're taking tons of first dates, a few second and third dates but it doesn't generally get past that stage.  Why?  Because I can never find someone who I want to pursue and have a connection and vice versa.  All the women that are interested in me, I'm not into and the few ones I'm into, aren't into me.  This last girl who I spent the last month dating was the first girl in 6 years that I genuinely felt attracted to, connected to and wanted to pursue, hence the disappointment and sadness.  

There are some great women out there but I don't know how many more bad experiences and setbacks with dating I can take.  I'm not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes.  I just want to meet my equal.  That can't be too much to ask for but it seems, as a man I sense perhaps I don't have what it takes.  I'm 38 now, 6"2, sporty, have my own flat, a job that is nothing special but a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable but none of this appears to be enough.  

I have had many years in therapy and counselling when I was younger and most recently a few years ago.  I'm not sure any of it has really helped in terms of my overall progress but it helped that I had someone to talk to.  Perhaps I need that again.  I don't know what else to do.  I continue to go on dating apps, websites, try to meet women at church and other social events but it seems super hard to have what I see as the three essential aspects - a physical attraction, an emotional connection/compatibility and enough similar interests and for me as a Christian, a fellow believer.  I have gone on dates with many women who have had 2 or 3 of those key areas.  This last girl I felt ticked every one.  I messed up an opportunity but maybe it just wasn't meant to be. 

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I agree.. it wasn't meant to be.

Things just didn't seem to progress for you and she, for some reason backed out.  But is good it was done in good enough time, things weren't dragged on for too long, to where much emotion was spent.

We can't 'make someone stay'.

My brother was single over 8 yrs before he found his wife.

Re: your religion (Christian), have you tried a dating site that is specific to this? ( dating Christians, etc).

Sometimes is is okay to be single for  a good while and not try so hard - can be exhausting 😕 .

If you feel you can maybe use some more therapy, go for it.  never hurts.  I've done that through the years, when I felt overwhelmed to where I was falling apart.. and it helped me along.. yes, to vent to someone neutral and get some 'coping skills', etc.

So, how about just stop 'searching' for someone and carry on, on your own for a while.

As you realize it isn't that easy to find one that is totally compatible with same interests in us. ( I gave up on dealing with all of that a cpl years ago.  I don;t have it in me anymore - became mentally & emotionally exhausted. Plus, I know my 'state of mind' and that I can't tolerate too much anymore.  And I am just fine this way).

Give it all time.  You never know when you may come across someone who really does make an impact and it proceeds in a positive. ( meanwhile, keep up with your own life & interests).

 

 

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Dear Ignite,

I am not sure what advice to give, as I am also a serially single person since the pandemic.  It's hard to meet people and hard to click with them.  So I do understand, how you are feeling.  I feel I have a lot to offer the right guy and I try to keep a light spirit about it.  

So I guess that is my advice, you have to find a way to enjoy your life ANYWAY.  Being bummed about it or constantly trying to make a connection work is not fun and no way to live.  I understand the want, but it's part of the tough love you have to give yourself.... You deserve to be happy and enjoy life, with or without someone.  

As for this past lady, I am sorry you were disappointed by her.  At some point, in all relationships our true self has to come through.  If you let her see your "debbie downer" side (we all have one) and she couldn't handle it, then you are better off.

You can work on yourself all you want with therapy and acheivements etc.  But the other person-- what they bring to the table, how they handle themselves and situations, you cannot control.

Put a little more compassion and love into seeing and accepting yourself in all your glory.  🙂 It's always darkest before the dawn and you just never know when lightening will strike or this game will be over.

Try to see the opportunity in being single.  Find something to put your passion into.  Start your own new journey.  Who do you want to be and what would you change (not based on another person making you happy) how could you make you happy?

Several years ago, I got my heart broken in a big big way.  And I started this healing journey of my own.... I didn't know at the time but a big problem I had was, I didn't know myself very well.  That's why I was making bad choices.  AKA ignoring red flags because I wanted someone to love me. I did this in many relationships.  And the fallout from all those hurts, lead to one big fall.... At the end of my rope, I had to figure out a way to heal myself for myself.  

So I have been spending a lot of my free time focusing on myself-- my physical health, my mental health, and re-evaluating my relationships, how I spend my time, how I control my thoughts, who I share my energy with, what I consume-- food, media, books, etc... it's a lot to examine. It really is and it's been a journey.  And I'll tell you, I am a completely different person than I was at the end of that relationship.

I dated some guys.  I even had a relationship for a several months, but discovered we are very different people.  And I know better, now, what I need in a person.  Of course it is/was a disappointment to be let down again, but I no longer take it so personally.  

I know who I am.  My confidence is much higher.  I was at a yoga class recently and I found myself thinking--- I am exactly the person I want to be.  Am I still single? Yes.  Am I open to that changing?  Yes.  But there is so much to life.... don't let what you don't have define the experience.  

Put your energy into something you can control.  Look inward.  Start listening to yourself.  What can you do for YOU???

❤️

 

Edited by Lambert
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Are you lonely or is it part of your culture/religion that you get married/have a family?

You don't seem interested in women or relationships. So it's not success or height that's the problem.

It's also not the women out there. You seem disconnected and depressed in general.

Even if you were to meet someone you liked, it would not resolve your untreated depression.

Clearly whatever therapy or counseling went on in the past has never effectively treated the withdrawal and depression.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It's sad how many people walk around with treatable physical or mental health problems.

Keep in mind that many physical problems can manifest as depression, malaise, lassitude and this inertia you describe.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you lonely or is it part of your culture/religion that you get married/have a family?

You don't seem interested in women or relationships. So it's not success or height that's the problem.

It's also not the women out there. You seem disconnected and depressed in general.

Even if you were to meet someone you liked, it would not resolve your untreated depression.

Clearly whatever therapy or counseling went on in the past has never effectively treated the withdrawal and depression.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It's sad how many people walk around with treatable physical or mental health problems.

Keep in mind that many physical problems can manifest as depression, malaise, lassitude and this inertia you describe.

Thanks for your comments.  

Disagree in that of course I am interested in women and seeking a relationship, it's been my heart's desire for a long time.  But I do agree in that yes I have had this apathy and disappointment with life in general I would say.  And that may well stem from the lack of romance, love and relationships.  I mean if someone had only 1 lousy 3 month relationship in almost 10 years, I think that would be enough for anyone to doubt themselves and feel fed up.  Maybe not, I don't know but that's been my experience - not enough positive experiences but instead a series of setbacks, disappointments and heartache.  Ironically, that's why I am so cut up about this latest experience because I was genuinely feeling positive and encouraged by it.  I really thought it was going in the right direction and I was finally going to have a relationship.  

I have seen doctors numerous times but never been diagnosed with anything clinical.  I have been on meds for depression in the past but I don't think it led me to feeling or acting any different. 

 

 

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5 hours ago, Lambert said:

Dear Ignite,

I am not sure what advice to give, as I am also a serially single person since the pandemic.  It's hard to meet people and hard to click with them.  So I do understand, how you are feeling.  I feel I have a lot to offer the right guy and I try to keep a light spirit about it.  

So I guess that is my advice, you have to find a way to enjoy your life ANYWAY.  Being bummed about it or constantly trying to make a connection work is not fun and no way to live.  I understand the want, but it's part of the tough love you have to give yourself.... You deserve to be happy and enjoy life, with or without someone.  

As for this past lady, I am sorry you were disappointed by her.  At some point, in all relationships our true self has to come through.  If you let her see your "debbie downer" side (we all have one) and she couldn't handle it, then you are better off.

You can work on yourself all you want with therapy and acheivements etc.  But the other person-- what they bring to the table, how they handle themselves and situations, you cannot control.

Put a little more compassion and love into seeing and accepting yourself in all your glory.  🙂 It's always darkest before the dawn and you just never know when lightening will strike or this game will be over.

Try to see the opportunity in being single.  Find something to put your passion into.  Start your own new journey.  Who do you want to be and what would you change (not based on another person making you happy) how could you make you happy?

Several years ago, I got my heart broken in a big big way.  And I started this healing journey of my own.... I didn't know at the time but a big problem I had was, I didn't know myself very well.  That's why I was making bad choices.  AKA ignoring red flags because I wanted someone to love me. I did this in many relationships.  And the fallout from all those hurts, lead to one big fall.... At the end of my rope, I had to figure out a way to heal myself for myself.  

So I have been spending a lot of my free time focusing on myself-- my physical health, my mental health, and re-evaluating my relationships, how I spend my time, how I control my thoughts, who I share my energy with, what I consume-- food, media, books, etc... it's a lot to examine. It really is and it's been a journey.  And I'll tell you, I am a completely different person than I was at the end of that relationship.

I dated some guys.  I even had a relationship for a several months, but discovered we are very different people.  And I know better, now, what I need in a person.  Of course it is/was a disappointment to be let down again, but I no longer take it so personally.  

I know who I am.  My confidence is much higher.  I was at a yoga class recently and I found myself thinking--- I am exactly the person I want to be.  Am I still single? Yes.  Am I open to that changing?  Yes.  But there is so much to life.... don't let what you don't have define the experience.  

Put your energy into something you can control.  Look inward.  Start listening to yourself.  What can you do for YOU???

❤️

 

Thanks for your comments.  Only since the pandemic? 

I feel I have plenty to offer too or so I thought but it seems I can get matches, I can generate interest and attraction in women initially but then to progress to a relationship seems impossible.  As I said there have been women who have been very interested in me and if I wanted to have a relationship for the sake of it that would have happened.  For example, a few years I went out with a girl for a few months who I found attractive but there was no real connection and I knew that from early on but I carried on thinking that might develop.  It never did.  Then more recently 2 years ago I was very close with another lady who I had an amazing connection with, many similar interests but no physical attraction.  Again I gave that a go for many months because I thought the physical attraction would develop but of course it never did. Deep down I knew in both cases, it was going  nowhere but I wanted to try as people kept saying give this a go, you have to do things differently etc etc. 

So that's why this latest situation hurts.  I finally met someone who I actually genuinely wanted to pursue because there was enough there for me.  Sadly not for her. 

I think part of the healing journey you describe can work on your own but also by having more relationships it teaches you more about yourself.  So I am keen to get back out there but once I try and regain some confidence and positivity.  

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6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I agree.. it wasn't meant to be.

Things just didn't seem to progress for you and she, for some reason backed out.  But is good it was done in good enough time, things weren't dragged on for too long, to where much emotion was spent.

We can't 'make someone stay'.

My brother was single over 8 yrs before he found his wife.

Re: your religion (Christian), have you tried a dating site that is specific to this? ( dating Christians, etc).

Sometimes is is okay to be single for  a good while and not try so hard - can be exhausting 😕 .

If you feel you can maybe use some more therapy, go for it.  never hurts.  I've done that through the years, when I felt overwhelmed to where I was falling apart.. and it helped me along.. yes, to vent to someone neutral and get some 'coping skills', etc.

So, how about just stop 'searching' for someone and carry on, on your own for a while.

As you realize it isn't that easy to find one that is totally compatible with same interests in us. ( I gave up on dealing with all of that a cpl years ago.  I don;t have it in me anymore - became mentally & emotionally exhausted. Plus, I know my 'state of mind' and that I can't tolerate too much anymore.  And I am just fine this way).

Give it all time.  You never know when you may come across someone who really does make an impact and it proceeds in a positive. ( meanwhile, keep up with your own life & interests).

 

 

You're right perhaps ending things now was going to better in the long run.  Less time wasted.  Even so, I really thought this was going in the right direction.  

I guess your brother's story encourages me to an extent.  How did he feel throughout those 8 years?  Did go on dates but like me could not find that connection with someone and vice versa?  How did they meet? 

I am a Christian yes and I mostly try to meet women at church or other social events related to church and faith.  Then there are the apps but I only stick to the Christian ones as I want to find someone who shares my faith.  So that already makes things tricky.  

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Well to be perfectly honest, your story sounds very common and even similar to my own dating history in some way. I think unfortunately many people really struggle with this now and I wonder if part of it is that people are always "chasing the dragon" and always looking for the next best thing. There are so many dating apps and so many people to swipe on and it seems like some people are just too picky and of the mindset that they can so easily always find someone else.

I could be wrong but I get the impression that when our parents were young, things were way easier because there were no dating apps or even internet at all. My parents met when my Mum was 19 and Dad 21. They got engaged after four months of dating and after one year they got married at 20 and 22 years old. Now they've been married for 39 years. People seemed to have that mentality that you just stick with whoever you found first and you like and didn't need to keep chasing the next best thing.

You're definitely not alone in not really having luck with dating. I know it's not exactly the same but I'm a 36-year-old woman, 37 in January. I'm single, never been married and no kids. I always wanted marriage and kids and always kept trying to find someone too but it just didn't happen. Granted I've never been single for 6 years and I've had a few long term relationships, but they were all only 1.5 - 2 years long. I did live with a partner that I was with for two years and we were engaged and even booked the wedding, but he got into drugs heavily, so I had to end it.

I think in terms of advice I can give you is to not give up on looking. Because if you stop looking, you will have no chance of finding anyone. At least if you keep putting the effort in, you do have a chance. My advice would be to only use Christian dating websites because why waste time talking to women who don't share your religion? 

Also are you sure you're not being too picky or too shallow? I'm actually not accusing you but I'm just asking. For example, I don't really care about people's looks that much, e.g. if they're overweight or had a limp or acne or something, it wouldn't bother me. My main attraction has always been to who the person is inside and I've actually always found it very easy to like and love people. Try to focus on who the person is on the inside and on your connection with them first and foremost. That might make it easier to find women you actually like. Maybe try to give as many women as you can a chance. I'm not saying force yourself to be attracted to them if you're just not but just keep as much of an open mind as possible.

I'd say maybe you and I could date but I'm an atheist and I don't want to follow any religion unfortunately lol

Also I think regarding what happened with the last woman, it was pretty normal. What I mean by that is she tried dating you and she realised she wasn't interested. I don't think it was your comments alone that were the problem because as you said, the comments weren't really that bad. I think that she probably just wasn't really feeling it and she needed some kind of reason to latch onto to give as an excuse for ending it. I was dating someone for 2.5 months recently too and during that time I actually realised that we were unsuitable for each other in many ways, so I ended it. Now I'm single again and quite lonely because I live alone and we've been in a three month COVID lockdown. But that guy just wasn't right for me and I couldn't just settle, though of course it was nice having someone, especially during the pandemic.

Another option you might want to consider is maybe having a child with a female friend who also can't find anyone? I have a male friend who really wants to do this with me. I'm actually thinking that after COVID I'm going to do it.

Edited by Tinydance
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5 hours ago, ignite said:

Thanks for your comments.  Only since the pandemic? 

I feel I have plenty to offer too or so I thought but it seems I can get matches, I can generate interest and attraction in women initially but then to progress to a relationship seems impossible.  As I said there have been women who have been very interested in me and if I wanted to have a relationship for the sake of it that would have happened.  For example, a few years I went out with a girl for a few months who I found attractive but there was no real connection and I knew that from early on but I carried on thinking that might develop.  It never did.  Then more recently 2 years ago I was very close with another lady who I had an amazing connection with, many similar interests but no physical attraction.  Again I gave that a go for many months because I thought the physical attraction would develop but of course it never did. Deep down I knew in both cases, it was going  nowhere but I wanted to try as people kept saying give this a go, you have to do things differently etc etc. 

So that's why this latest situation hurts.  I finally met someone who I actually genuinely wanted to pursue because there was enough there for me.  Sadly not for her. 

I think part of the healing journey you describe can work on your own but also by having more relationships it teaches you more about yourself.  So I am keen to get back out there but once I try and regain some confidence and positivity.  

Yes. Since the pandemic but! a lot like you said... maybe a connection, maybe not. it fizzles out. 

I think in a lot of ways we (singles) are all on line trying to find someone but it's too many people and too many of the not the right people. Mix in that most people don't give it the time you did...

It is important to stay open and keep trying. like you said, when you have some of your confidence back. 

This journey of mine, has been years in the making and I have not been a recluse. lol. So I didn't mean for you to stop trying. I just meant be good to you, first.

Maybe next time you connected with someone (and you will!) Don't put so much of your hope on it. Live. let live. What comes comes. What goes goes.... it doesn't define you if you chose.

you can't control others. be good enough for you. 

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I think it's somewhat typical that right after a disappointment, you view it as your very last chance.

I know I did after every breakup.  Not sure why our minds go there.  " I will never love again"   

But it's not true and when you redirect your focus and try not see as a relationship as the end all, or the very thing that will make you happy. . life tends to surprise you when you least expect it.

When I learned to view dating differently, the better success I had.

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9 hours ago, ignite said:

I guess your brother's story encourages me to an extent.  How did he feel throughout those 8 years?  Did go on dates but like me could not find that connection with someone and vice versa?  How did they meet? 

I am a Christian yes and I mostly try to meet women at church or other social events related to church and faith.  Then there are the apps but I only stick to the Christian ones as I want to find someone who shares my faith.  So that already makes things tricky.  

My brother was fine on his own. No, he did not date at all.. though he did meet her through Christian Mingles or something, I think.

He had a rough time thru his teen years, having a gf and doing heavy drugs 😕 .. They split up but was for the best, as he realized he did not want that lifestyle...

So, take your time... scan the sites.. See if you also come across a nice woman who has same interests and where you feel things can progress.

 

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13 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well to be perfectly honest, your story sounds very common and even similar to my own dating history in some way. I think unfortunately many people really struggle with this now and I wonder if part of it is that people are always "chasing the dragon" and always looking for the next best thing. There are so many dating apps and so many people to swipe on and it seems like some people are just too picky and of the mindset that they can so easily always find someone else.

I could be wrong but I get the impression that when our parents were young, things were way easier because there were no dating apps or even internet at all. My parents met when my Mum was 19 and Dad 21. They got engaged after four months of dating and after one year they got married at 20 and 22 years old. Now they've been married for 39 years. People seemed to have that mentality that you just stick with whoever you found first and you like and didn't need to keep chasing the next best thing.

You're definitely not alone in not really having luck with dating. I know it's not exactly the same but I'm a 36-year-old woman, 37 in January. I'm single, never been married and no kids. I always wanted marriage and kids and always kept trying to find someone too but it just didn't happen. Granted I've never been single for 6 years and I've had a few long term relationships, but they were all only 1.5 - 2 years long. I did live with a partner that I was with for two years and we were engaged and even booked the wedding, but he got into drugs heavily, so I had to end it.

I think in terms of advice I can give you is to not give up on looking. Because if you stop looking, you will have no chance of finding anyone. At least if you keep putting the effort in, you do have a chance. My advice would be to only use Christian dating websites because why waste time talking to women who don't share your religion? 

Also are you sure you're not being too picky or too shallow? I'm actually not accusing you but I'm just asking. For example, I don't really care about people's looks that much, e.g. if they're overweight or had a limp or acne or something, it wouldn't bother me. My main attraction has always been to who the person is inside and I've actually always found it very easy to like and love people. Try to focus on who the person is on the inside and on your connection with them first and foremost. That might make it easier to find women you actually like. Maybe try to give as many women as you can a chance. I'm not saying force yourself to be attracted to them if you're just not but just keep as much of an open mind as possible.

I'd say maybe you and I could date but I'm an atheist and I don't want to follow any religion unfortunately lol

Also I think regarding what happened with the last woman, it was pretty normal. What I mean by that is she tried dating you and she realised she wasn't interested. I don't think it was your comments alone that were the problem because as you said, the comments weren't really that bad. I think that she probably just wasn't really feeling it and she needed some kind of reason to latch onto to give as an excuse for ending it. I was dating someone for 2.5 months recently too and during that time I actually realised that we were unsuitable for each other in many ways, so I ended it. Now I'm single again and quite lonely because I live alone and we've been in a three month COVID lockdown. But that guy just wasn't right for me and I couldn't just settle, though of course it was nice having someone, especially during the pandemic.

Another option you might want to consider is maybe having a child with a female friend who also can't find anyone? I have a male friend who really wants to do this with me. I'm actually thinking that after COVID I'm going to do it.

You're right our parents married way younger and it was normal back then.  

Well your relationship history is more successful and fruitful than mine.  When you've been single this long it's hard to really stay positive and not anxious about the future.  

What do you mean having an arranged marriage effectively?  

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14 minutes ago, ignite said:

You're right our parents married way younger and it was normal back then.  

Well your relationship history is more successful and fruitful than mine.  When you've been single this long it's hard to really stay positive and not anxious about the future.  

What do you mean having an arranged marriage effectively?  

No, not arranged marriage but if you got to say your 40's and you didn't find anyone (hopefully you won't), you could just have a child with a female friend who didn't find anyone either. But I'm not sure if it's allowed in your religion, etc.

Edited by Tinydance
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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

No, not arranged marriage but if you got to say your 40's and you didn't find anyone (hopefully you won't), you could just have a child with a female friend who didn't find anyone either. But I'm not sure if it's allowed in your religion, etc.

I would not advise that  because that wouldn't be fair to the child (and that's how I thought about having kids - first and foremost the best interests of the child not first and foremost my intense desire to be a mom when I was in my 20s and 30s and single)- too many risks when the parents aren't married (or like married if marriage is not permitted in a same sex context or if the partners are forever committed without marriage) -too many risks for the child's well being, security, stability when this is done by choice (adoption is another thing because then the child is already here and perhaps a single parent or "friend" arrangement is better than being in foster care)  This is just my personal opinion.  If you get to your 40s you can adopt if you marry someone in her 40s who cannot conceive anymore (I did in my 40s but not everyone can) - or you can be a step-parent etc.  I wrote to you privately my advice on your particular situation and will not repeat it here.  Best of luck.

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19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not advise that  because that wouldn't be fair to the child (and that's how I thought about having kids - first and foremost the best interests of the child not first and foremost my intense desire to be a mom when I was in my 20s and 30s and single)- too many risks when the parents aren't married (or like married if marriage is not permitted in a same sex context or if the partners are forever committed without marriage) -too many risks for the child's well being, security, stability when this is done by choice (adoption is another thing because then the child is already here and perhaps a single parent or "friend" arrangement is better than being in foster care)  This is just my personal opinion.  If you get to your 40s you can adopt if you marry someone in her 40s who cannot conceive anymore (I did in my 40s but not everyone can) - or you can be a step-parent etc.  I wrote to you privately my advice on your particular situation and will not repeat it here.  Best of luck.

Well I agree with you, of course if someone can actually marry or be in a de facto relationship for the child's benefit, no doubt that is better. I'm talking about if the person hasn't really got many options left. Not everyone gets the opportunity to find someone by a certain age and unfortunately that's just how it is. No offence but I think it's easy to say these things if you're married and have kids yourself because you haven't actually experienced what it's like not to find someone and have no kids.

I went on a few dates with a man who was 48, nearly 49 and he had no kids and wanted them really badly. To be perfectly honest he was actually acting quite desperate. I only went on three dates with him and right from the first date he began advertising himself and boasting about himself, how financially successful he is and that he would be a really good Dad. Even to the point that I think some things he said about how rich he supposedly was, sounded like lies and some things just didn't add up. He said he wanted kids so bad and he wanted to adopt or use a surrogate mother. In Australia we basically don't have surrogacy because it's illegal to get paid for being a surrogate. So why would a woman want to do this for nothing and carry that baby and then just give it away? He also said he tried adoption but he just got rejected because he's a single man on his own and he was nearly 50 years old. So as you can see some people have very little options and I'm sorry to say such negative things but it's just a reality. One of my friends also has a friend who didn't find anyone by 39 years old and she just used a random sperm donor from IVF to have a baby alone. 

I actually think that using a sperm donor and being a single parent in some sense could be worse for the child than having a baby with a friend. For example, if I used a donor, he doesn't need to keep in touch with the child at all if he doesn't want to. If I tried to contact him,  legally he's completely within his right not to respond. And even if he did respond, he may have very little contact with the child. Whereas having the baby with my good male friend, he said he would see the child all the time and also his mother really wants to be involved as a grandmother. My friend also has a brother who has small children so my child would have a second family and cousins.

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2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Not everyone gets the opportunity to find someone by a certain age and unfortunately that's just how it is. No offence but I think it's easy to say these things if you're married and have kids yourself because you haven't actually experienced what it's like not to find someone and have no kids.

Well yes I have.  For 20 years of my life so I do take "offense"  - for 20 years all I wanted was to be a mom and wife - and I decided at age 37 that I would consider single mother by choice.  I spoke to a few trusted people and did some soul searching. And decided that the best interests of a child to be brought onto this earth if at all possible into a loving, stable marriage or similar commitment far outweighed by desire to be a mom which was so very very strong it hurt!

So yes I did experience it for many many years while so many of my friends had kids.  It's not just how it is.  Not everyone gets to have biological children for one reason or another.  Not everyone should have biological or adopted children even for one reason or another.  It's not an entitlement at all in my humble opinion.  I waited as long as I did because I so strongly believed that. 

I had enough money and independence and ability to be a single mother by choice and hire help, etc.  And I knew for sure it would not be in the best interests to deprive a child of a father at the starting gate -a father I was married to or at the very least long term committed to.  I waited till I could find that and I knew I might never.  I knew I might not reach my most important life goal of marriage and family to which I wasn't entitled but wanted so very very badly.
So yes I knew I had the option not to bring a child into this world on purpose without a dad who I was in love with and forever committed to in marriage or the equivalent   I don’t relate to “no other option” because I don’t see giving birth or having a bio child as an entitlement  

And I still knew that I owed a child that much -at minimum.  I completely understand women get divorced, widowed or get pregnant completely by accident, choose not to abort and just cannot bring themselves to give up the child to adoption.  But that's different than intentionally conceiving a child outside of a two parent stable family (and yes parents- two women, two men, man/woman)

. Adoption -sure- I can see that -a child who is here already and has no one -a single mom for sure can give that child her heart, her care, stability -far more than in foster care situation.  So please don't ever assume I didn't go through the pain you are going through -I did and for far longer than you have -I wanted a child for far longer than you have.  I had no idea if I could get pregnant.  I'd never been pregnant, not accidentally not ever.  I was ready for IVF or a surrogate or to adopt. 

i was just darn lucky I conceived naturally with my future husband when I was almost 41.  I didn't even have the opportunity as you do to freeze my eggs because at that age- when I was in my early 30s and asked about it I was told then that only embryo freezing was possible.

I wish you the best and I gave my personal opinion and yes I do take offense at the suggestion that I didn't go through heart wrenching pain being childless for so long, wanting to find the right person so badly, being the outsider for the better part of 2 decades while so many friends found spouses and had families.  Many of my friends have adult /college age kids and more than one.  I am 55 with a 12 year old  and thrilled to have one even though for years I assumed I'd have two but that is because I've never ever ever felt entitled to be a mother.  Ever.  I wasn't entitled -I worked so hard on myself and so hard at dating to do whatever it took -no guarantees -to become the right person to find the right person.  And I did.  A few days before my 39th birthday after over 25 years of dating on and off. 

So yes I worked for it.  Much harder than many people.  Sorry if you had a different impression,  And again my moral and ethical values are my own and I'm not going to impose them on others but I found your suggestion to the OP flippant when it came to planning on creating and bringing a child into this world and yes I felt the need to speak out and give my personal opinion just as you gave yours.  You didn't ask me for my opinion on your potential sperm donor plan so I won't give it.  I was only responding to your suggestion to the OP to have a baby with a female friend if he gets to age 40 and is single.

OP I took the long way around and got to where I needed to be despite no guarantees.  And I hope you do as well.

Edited by Batya33
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