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Forgiveness or Weakness


Forever.Me
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Today is day 5 without my partner by my side. I miss him, but I don't want to hurt anymore, and my 12 year old daughter is so over him. It also hurts because I feel like I'm torturing him. He wants to come home and be with his "family" (He's staying at an hotel right now), but there's so much tension still, everyone thinks it's best for us to just let it go, because this is the third time he has hurt me to the core. The second nervous breakdown and I am 6 months pregnant. A part of me wants to try and work things out because he wants to improve our relationship, and he's a really good father and provider, but I'm afraid that it will be a waste of time and the cycle will continue. I'm also self conscious about appearing weak in the eyes of my daughter and my family if I do let him come back. He did suggest couples therapy, but I don't  want to be so accepting of our relationship unless I know it's stable and not toxic. He wants to rush in like nothing has happened. It's tough! I'm so, so torn!

Details:

My daughter witnessed me having a mental breakdown when I came home Sunday and realized my partner removed all of his day to day stuff out of the house. Thankfully, my brother was there to somewhat calm me down. He did end up reaching out to family and everyone was here for support. My mom even drove from out of state to make sure I was okay.


My partner claimed he did it as a joke to teach me a lesson, because he thought I left out in the middle of night stress driving (He feels like it's not safe, and I know it bothers him, so I decided not to go even though I was really really anxious that night). Instead, I stayed downstairs and watched TV with my daughter... I never knew it was bothering him.. He never ever brought that to my attention. I tried to text/call him all weekend (I was out of town spending time with family), but he ignored most of my messages.

I texted him about me falling earlier that day (I am 6 months pregnant and I got dizzy and lost balance), and he asked me if I was okay and then told me he would check on me the next day and that he would start focusing on his happiness, like he wasn't coming home (Sometimes he doesn't when he gets really upset, and it bothers me, but I try to accept it.)

He said he didn't know I was going to react like that and he wanted to be heard. He thought I was going to text or call and he was going to explain everything, but when I called no answer. I felt like he really did abandon us again after I've put so much trust in us, and some of my family members felt like he had true intentions of leaving, because of his history.

His reactions during/after this whole situation is scary too. He's been checking on me everyday since everything has happened. Sometimes he's very apologetic and wants to work everything out. He hasn't missed any prenatal appointments for our baby, (he asked if he can attend the one I have later on today). He's even told me to let him know if I need help with groceries or anything, but then the next moment, he feels like I have no hope and wants to throw everything away when I express how I feel, but that's not the case. He just gets so so angry and starts saying cold things about my family and me. He feels like we're ungrateful and now he feels used.

We've been together off and on for two years. He's broken up with me before last year, because he was under so much stress dealing with his other children from other relationships. When I finally agreed to take him back, he promised not to ever leave us again. For the most part he is very sweet, giving, loving, and goes above and beyond, but when we disagree or feels like things are not going his way, he gets so angry and I'm no help, because I'm hot headed too.

I try and take into account that he lost his best friend about a month ago, and for the most part, he tries to do any and everything for my family which is more stress.

He also gave up his place about 3 months ago  because I preferred him being home with me since we seen a future together and he was here with me most of the time. He gave up everything. His bed and his furniture, everything for me, and now he's sleeping in a cold hotel room begging to come home to me. I don't know what to do.

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20 minutes ago, Forever.Me said:

I don't  want to be so accepting of our relationship unless I know it's stable and not toxic.

That's the right attitude to have, and I hope you hang on to it. From what you described, your relationship is extremely unstable and very toxic. I know it hurts, but I think you need to say good bye. Then you should look into why you are having mental breakdowns.

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Sorry this is happening. Make sure you tell your doctors about your nervous breakdowns.

You're not a homeless shelter. Leave him alone.   Where is your daughters father? Does he pay child support and have visitation?

Can she stay with him or extended family until you get your physical and mental health issues under control?

Where did your BF live before he moved in with you? 

Enlist the help of trusted friends and family. Do you work? Who pays for your home, bills, daughter, etc.?

First get your health stable and in order. Why does this BF keep leaving? Is he involved with other women or the mothers of his children?

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Great job. Really appreciate your courage to do this.

You are 100% right. You are not good for each other.

The key now is the stand your ground and use every little energy you have to not go back to this. This man has shown you who he is for years, and it's not good for you.

Great job also on asking help from family. Let them stay over until your ex takes all his stuff out and gets blocked everywhere (and do change the locks). Please also seek the help of a therapist and physician. They will help you pull through this tough time as well.

I'm cheering for you. You deserve peace, healthy love, and good health. So does your daughter.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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The transition will be tough in the coming months BUT, you definitely will feel pretty good about your decision. TBH I wouldn't want to expose my daughter to a manipulative partner. Kids are impressionable, and you don't want your daughter and unborn child to think that this is ok behavior, or that it's normal/acceptable. Standing up for yourself, and gaining your independence is what you want to impose on your children. Counseling is needed. Seek out a therapist, you can do safe online sessions. Be strong, and move on.

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As women, we really do try to fix everything and keep everyone happy.  The extended family included. 

But OP, this guy is very toxic. Teaching you lessons?  And manipulating the situation and then excusing it away because YOU didn't respond the way he expected you to.  More excuses for broken promises and guilting you into putting with this crap behavior? That's not love. Not at all.

As the mother of a young impressionable child and an unborn baby, you have to get your priorities straight. It's those lives and your life that need to come first. You can't be a good caregiver, if you're stressed to the point of breakdowns and physical injury.

It's not your responsibility to take care of a grown man. If anything, he should be taking responsibility for helping you have a happy, joyous, healthy pregnancy!

Shame on him.

If he gave up his home and his belongings and now lives in a hotel, that is on him. Too bad. So sad.

How about don't play little mean jokes and games on someone he supposedly loves? While pregnant and other children in the house!

I would include him with another third party present (an adult. a close friend or family member that you trust as someone that understands you) for baby activities such as, doc appointments. But he needs to either earn his way back or accept his new role as co-parent only.

Talk to your 12 yr old's pediatrician. Does therapy for her make sense?  Get some tips on the appropriate way to talk to her about this.  Your relationship with your daughter needs to come first, ahead of your romantic one.  Your daughter deserves as much. Save your daughter, yourself and the new baby.

Until this man can be an adult and proper parent/role model, he needs to stay out. He is helping no one. He made his bed.... let him lay in in.

Edited by Lambert
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15 hours ago, Forever.Me said:

I'm also self conscious about appearing weak in the eyes of my daughter and my family if I do let him come back. He did suggest couples therapy, but I don't  want to be so accepting of our relationship unless I know it's stable and not toxic.

Like you said yourself, you don't want to hurt anymore.. yes, then you be strong and continue as you are.. for your own good!

 

15 hours ago, Forever.Me said:

He said he didn't know I was going to react like that and he wanted to be heard. He thought I was going to text or call and he was going to explain everything, but when I called no answer. I felt like he really did abandon us again after I've put so much trust in us,

Okay, so mind games & trauma bonding, imo.  Awful behaviour 😕 .

15 hours ago, Forever.Me said:

when we disagree or feels like things are not going his way, he gets so angry and I'm no help, because I'm hot headed too.

I try and take into account that he lost his best friend about a month ago, and for the most part, he tries to do any and everything for my family which is more stress.

You know this is how he is... and has been going on a lot longer than one month ago.

 

sorry you have had to experience this toxic man and I know you tried but enough is enough now, right?

be strong now and focus on your dtr and self ❤️ .

He can and will manage to get himself together in his own way.  You cannot 'fix' him or be his mother!  He is an adult here, same as you.

Remain at your distance, you know how he is and good on you for finally acting out & getting this guy away from you guys, trying to 'keep it together'.

Has only been a couple of years.. you can & will be okay again.

Deal with him as minimally as possible from now on.  Do not tend to him anymore.  His behaviour has come around to kick him in the butt, yet again.

Stay strong.. one day at a time 🙂 

 

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