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Guy keeps checking my online profile


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I’m 32 years old woman and met a 36 year old guy on a dating site. We talked for a week had a a lot in common. He asked me out. Got me flowers the first date. We had lunch at a pub then went to a cider mill. The date lasted 3 hours. Then another week of talking. He asked me out again this time a it was a painting date and we had a picnic in the park. The date lasted close to 3 hours. I wanted to kiss him at the end of the date he wasn’t ready which was fine. He seemed to distant himself after that. He messaged me the next morning saying that he wasn’t ready to date again( he’d only been single for 4 months) I told him ok and if he is ever ready again to reach out to me. So we haven’t talk since but he’s still viewing my online profile frequently. Why?

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Not a big mystery here.  He's not ready, but if he's still on line he's killing time and acting on his curiosity.  I wouldn't give this much weight.  Anything other than a yes, is a no. 

Let's go another the next step.  It's a signal of readiness or something similar?   Do you want a guy who was willing to lose you and just a moment ago wasn't ready?   

Hold out for someone who sees your value and shares your enthusiasm.  Nothing less.

It's been a long time since I internet dated.  But having done so off and on, I noticed that times I stepped away for months or even years in between, there were still men on line that I might have met previously that apparently were never ready.  I called them squatters.  Suss them out quickly and don't let them waste your time

Edited by reinventmyself
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30 minutes ago, Wise Wally said:

A lot of guys fear that if you show too much interest or come on too strong, it signals desperation and turns off women. Maybe he is just taking that strategy to the extreme.  

Otherwise known as playing games.  I'd pass.  Showing interest from a place of confidence is attractive.  Throwing you back in the hopes you want him more is manipulative.

Edited by reinventmyself
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He may still be with his girlfriend or wife. Take it at face value and consider his behaviour a big warning. Checking up on you is voyeur behaviour, window-shopping and lacks any investment or commitment on his part. 

I'd ditch the number and block this person on the app or elsewhere, anywhere he has the opportunity to look in. Please pick a gentleman who treats you well, not this.

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40 minutes ago, Still viewing me said:

I wanted to kiss him at the end of the date he wasn’t ready which was fine. He messaged me the next morning saying that he wasn’t ready to date again

Sorry this happened. Of course he's still talking to his on/off GF and felt guilty kissing etc.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. 

Why waste time on flakes? The "not ready to date" excuse is rubbish because why else would he be on dating sites?

Edited by Wiseman2
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Don't waste your time focusing on who viewed you. The only guys who matter and who you should give your time attention to are those who are talking to you consistently, asking you on regular dates and otherwise following through on their word and doing what they said they would.

Dude who takes you out on a couple of over the top dates.....that alone was kind of a red flag, OP, and should have given you some pause on what this guy is about. Then he suddenly bails - your clue to walk away and if his views bother you, then block him.

When dating, look for people who are actually normal, consistent, keep a steady pace, and are open, willing, and ready to date today.

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Ignore the checking your profile and get on with dating men that have their stuff together.   The last thing you want to be is a rebound right?  That is what you were doomed to be with this guy until he takes some time to heal.

Actually what he is doing is incredibly selfish and hurtful to others.  He is using OLD to make himself feel better.  He goes online and gets some attention and even goes on some dates so he can feel wanted but he still hasn't dealt with the breakup.  There are a lot of people doing the same thing out there, using others for a salve on their wounds, entertainment, boredom break, free dinner and drinks and on and on.

Your best skill to have using OLD is what reinventmyself said.  Learn to spot them and weed them out or suss them out as she said.

There are plenty of men out there that are ready to really date just keep looking.

Lost

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Yeah, pay no attention to anything online ( I hope he's not a 'friend' on fb?). I have a cpl guys I dated and they still do that.. means nothing.

FACT: he is not available, only being single for a few months.

Walk away from people like this!  Yeah, you would have been his 'rebound'.. no good.

Like Lost mentioned ^ , he's using others to try & make himself feel better.  Pathetic behaviour 😕 .

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I would make a list of what you want on the dating sites and what you expect. That way when someone like him comes along you move on rather quickly. 
 

It helps you weed out people faster and find those who are serious. 
 

As for the checking your online account, I wouldn’t think much of it. Actions speak louder then spying I like to now call it. Take him for what he does not the fact he’s viewed your story.

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I give zero credit to "looks". When I have on line dated, there's a lot people that look and then look, then look, then look.    

That's lame. Only pay attention to messages. People who get off the pot so to speak.

if I were you I'd block him. move on. no need to give chances... he's a time waster... with his he's "not ready..." ok here's an idea, if you aren't ready, then don't date!

believe me as painful as this might be to hear, it's solid advice:

a person that says they are not ready for a relationship with you, means exactly that.  They don't want one with you.  But with someone else they might.

He probably is not getting a lot of attention and feeling lonely, thinking back to maybe some easy ego boosts.

make doubt about it, you can do better. 

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I'd consider everyone I meet as a learning opportunity.

From this one you've learned to screen out rebounders. Those are people pretty freshly out of a breakup or divorce, and all you need to determine who those are is a calendar.

Rebounders don't consider themselves to be such, so don't rely on THEM to tell you whether they're ready for a relationship or not--they are not.

In fact, lots of them rush right into insta-love and suddenly YOU are the love of their life!

Until you're not.

He hates to tell you this because you're such a fabulous person, but he really should have taken more time solo to find himself...

Classic. It doesn't make him a villain, but it tells you that YOU are responsible for screening, not the guy. So do your due diligence. One of the first questions to ask a potential date is how long it's been since his last breakup. A few months after a few years with someone? Not a good prospect.

Head high, we all live and learn.

 

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I'd get irritated by guys repeatedly viewing my profile and never getting in touch, or not responding if I made the first move. My response was to save myself the aggravation by blocking them. You got a lot further, but the guy is still a flake, so I'd suggest blocking him too. 

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Am I the only one here who thinks it possible that he genuinely doesn't feel ready to date yet, but regrets breaking things off with the OP, hence having a few looks again at her profile after breaking things off? I mean it's also possible too that he was lying to the OP, or is already in a relationship and his partner is the one checking or that he just wanted to use the OP for a quick ego boost, but I don't think we know enough to confidently say what is going on.

I have a male friend who matched with a woman online over a year ago but then things ended when she said she wasn't ready to date. After almost a year she contacted him again, explained that she was feeling more ready now, still remembered him and if he was still available would he like to go on a date. I've met her, she seems really nice and at the outset at least it looks like a good relationship is forming. Maybe they'll last, maybe not, but either way I think she was geniune and they might not be together if he'd been convinced that she already had a boyfriend and that's why she 'wasn't ready'.

Doesn't change the advice to the OP to basically, not chase after this guy and just if he says he isn't ready then he isn't ready. No real need I think to delve deeper into what might be going on.

Edited by Carnatic
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27 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

I have a male friend who matched with a woman online over a year ago but then things ended when she said she wasn't ready to date. After almost a year she contacted him again, explained that she was feeling more ready now, still remembered him and if he was still available would he like to go on a date.

Also known as "Ive tried others and didnt work, now its time to try it with you". People rarely read between the lines. I am not saying that its a bad thing, after all, at the end, your friends girl came to him ultimately. Just saying that "I am not ready to date" is the code for "I am not ready to date you". 

Same in OPs case. If he wanted, he could have given her that kiss. But he didnt. He didnt feel it. Probably because he is talking to a lot of women and wants to see what is more up there. But checks every now and then to maybe see if something is changing. I wouldnt be surprised if he does contact her also if nothing else is going on in his life after a while.

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Well I don't think anyone can really know why he keeps looking at your profile. The only way you could know is if you asked him, but that would be way too awkward in my opinion. Don't forget that he can contact you anytime and say he was wrong and ask you out again, but he's not doing that. I don't think he's not ready to date really because he keeps staying on the dating site. I think he probably just wasn't that sure about you but he's not finding anyone else, so he keeps checking if you're still there as a back up.

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I'm really surprised at the assumptions that he is the one looking. I still had an online profile when I was exclusive with my now husband.  I had no idea at all that others could see who I viewed.  I had no idea at all that it was visible as I had deactivated it (but apparently not suspended it which is what I ended up doing when a friend told me it was still coming up in searches, etc).  So I viewed men's profiles when my girlfriends would ask me to check a man out for them.  I didn't know they knew I viewed them.  (this was 16 years ago).  But apparently they did.  (Yes, my husband knew all about this -we did not meet through an online site -and he was 100% fine with the whole situation including my mistake - I never did anything inappropriate once we were together).  Please never assume that a look is from that person or a person who is actually interested in you.

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