Long Distance Relationship went south and I feel destroyed

[Bensen1998]

Hello All, 

I will be brief and to the point. I am Male in late 30s and my fiancée or ex girlfriends is mid 30s. I live in US and she lives in Europe. We have a child and she has full custody. She sued me for many things and i gave in all requests that she has. She is mature, I think she is Narcist and thing or two from PBD and Bipolar pamphlet (My opinion and we all have thing or two from the list). I Decided to move in with her in Europe i dropped everything and for first 7 days it was good and she sent the child to another location so we can fix the papers in the meantime. Later on i found out she moved the child because of me. After 9th day she flipped out on me started talking and trying to figure out things but i was depressed and down and i told her i need few weeks. I need to adjust. She every 3 months flips the switch and becomes a witch. I just cant control her and i figured out to listen only and don't get involved. Because i would get a fat stick and she is conversationalist expert. She blamed me for being dark and depressed. I don't d anything for her and i am a parasite for staying home depressed and trying to get with the program.  Well she exploded on me and said the worst stuff to me. she goes in psycho mode and unleashes everything on me. At that moment i was like good let her lash out. This is over ill listen and go tomorrow back home. That happened after she saw that i wasn't joking and said to me again if i am not with her that i should leave them alone forever. Easier said than done we have a kid and i pay clean and i don't owe her anything else anymore so i should have it as well. I am a father but she is complicated she want let me have him ever. That kid will hate me and despise me. I came back home to US and i feel soo depressed, down and dead. I am regretting going back. I miss them and i love them. 

I know we are toxic together. She doesn't blend in my character and i have to be part of hers. That's the only way to work. I applied for 50 jobs in a week and she was yelling at me for not applying for one day and that's not how you find job. She compares me to some idiot how capable he is and i am worthless ***. What do I do. I just think of her and kid and i want them but i know if i go back that's game over. I have to change into something, better man and please her which it will be hard. Please provide me some guidelines and opinions. I am good with girls, handsome, smart, educated, money wise i am not soo good but i have apartment equity and little savings for 4-6 months living in Europe. My story is complicated, long i left out many instances which would explain my situation but for now lets try this. 

I am just lost, and confused. I would love her to work it out but i know her she never makes first move and she makes me suffer. She contacted my family to dirt me and she ignores me.  I love her I love the kid and cant stop thinking about them. I am good person, i think so, great looking, smart, educated, but she calls me boring and dumb at our last fight because i did show my nasty dark side, but i am there 9 days let me get used to it. 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Bensen1998 said:

i did show my nasty dark side

What did you do?

1 hour ago, Bensen1998 said:

We have a child and she has full custody

I gather this is a court-approved agreement? 

This is all such a trainwreck. How much time have you actually spent together in person, and how is it that you live on different continents but have a child together - what is the timeline and backstory of how you met and when the child was born, and how you wound up so far away from each other? 

[Wiseman2]

Leave her alone. Get a job and pay child support.

[Tinydance]

Well is there nothing at all you could do about going to court in Europe and getting some parental rights? E.g. You could video call your child on Skype once a week and every few months you could come to Europe to visit or something like that? If the relationship with this woman is so toxic then why do you actually want to be with her? I really don't think that actually trying to be with your ex will have any result. It just won't work. I think your only focus now should be trying to win some custody of your child.

[reinventmyself]

She has shown you who she is and she isn't going to magically do a 180 and turn into someone else

Do you want a lifetime of this?  I get it's hard, but you know what you need to do.

[melancholy123]

Have you talked to a lawyer?

You two sound toxic together and having a civl relationship with her doesn't sound like it will work.  My opinion os pay your child support, try to video chat with the child as often as you can, and move on with your life.

[Bensen1998]

Back Story: 

We met 3 Years ago she came to visit me for 2-3 Weeks and she got pregnant. 

After that we were planning for her to come over here for 2 years but she put something in her head that she will be tortured by my family, based on one instance in the past and her paranoia and her mind set destroyed that. After kid was 1 year old and she wanted child support for past, and future. Now everything is clean i gave her everything she wanted, but now she doesn't want me to be in her nor Childs life. I visit her few times at different locations FYI. She is type of person that is so weird in her ways, if its not her way its not right way and its a mistake. I did mess up few things that i corrected, such as I bought her a ticket from one location but and after I had to change it which costed me money but it was fixed. Anyways any mistake is accounted for and no way to forget about that mistake. Right now she has 10 things that go in circle and she keeps punishing me for. 

Answer for show her my dark side: I was depressed at her house not talking and being curled up in myself because I was unhappy being at awkward situation in different country, no language, tight money, so I meant she saw me depressed and down.  I just couldn't snap out of it. She accused me and said to my mom, that i was using pills with alcohol. I brought Advil PM for airplane and Benadryl for allergies, because for 20 years my nose gets stuffy and she is you don't know why you take allergy pills? That's why you are down and don't speak properly because you are doing that. I swear i don't! She made her story and that's it. 

Regarding custody, Yeah child is hers, I got served papers by court, which my lawyer is on vacation until mid Sept. which i have to talk to him first. I can get visitation rights, but it will be expensive and i am saving money for that. Guy's you have to understand in Europe child support is around 700$ plus she wants me to pay for baby sitter and kindergarten. So that's another full story that's going on but until it comes to that it will take few months. 

For child support lawyer said consider the child is hers, you can see the kid, but you have to be on good terms with the mother, or if she doesn't let you see the kid we will go through the law and get you time slots. But its a hassle because in US we get 2 weeks vacation so it will have to be timed well. 

I don't know how can I squeeze this story in to be short and coherent but pretty much, I have to bother her all the time asking her for child, and when can she show me facetime, and so on. which is so much stress, and every time i ask her she gives me piece of her mind. 

So, in conclusion: I don't know if i can be a man for her, since she needs totally opposite guy of me. She doesn't understand me and she doesn't allow me to be myself. She makes up harsh stories about me to my family and will use it against me on the court. She is boarder line psycho woman, (To me to others she is angel). I want to make it right for the kid to have a father rather than some other guy to kiss my child. She makes everything difficult. I am trying for 1 year to make it friendly and nice but last resolution was for me to drop everything and move to Europe to live with them. I couldn't find job in 8 days, I couldn't adjust in 8 days, I didn't help her out the way she imagined around the house, I tried to do everything i could but still. She accused me to drink bottle of wine and 4 beers. She made our date night, She drank half the bottle, and i was let me drink few more beers. Now I am alcoholic and drug addict. SO ridiculous. 

Well this is the end point of the story: If i don't make it right I will be by myself and kid, She will make it so hard for me to see the kid. She wants the kid hers and DAD will be villager and *** up. She will drain me when it comes to money and she did but in her eyes I DIDNT GIVE HER ANYTHING. I can make a list that i was fair but no in her eyes i am ***up and *** and worst human being. She made me search for myself because she made me so insecure and destroyed. She doesn't get it depression comes from her and her deeds but anyways. I loose the kid, I loose her, I loose chance of family life, I lost a job, I lost all friends and now i am back to square 1 and build my life again. I know she is toxic both me and her together, but i feel we can make it work even though 4-5 times we had the same fights and we ended back together but in deeper hole. I want to see from your perspective whether we shouldn't be together and stop trying or fight for the family but it will be on my expense I will have to change 180 degrees. When do you throw the towel and say enough is enough. I lost and move on. Forget about the kid, if she gives you time to see him treat it as a holiday and move on. I am just destroyed right now and in deep depression because of loosing them. I had idea of them but she is someone that will never let us be happy. 

 

[boltnrun]

Did you read the responses when you posted this before?

A relationship between you two is not going to work. Have your attorney handle the child visitation situation so you can have a relationship with him or her. Make sure you stay employed. Pay what the court orders so you don't lose out on visits with your child.

Tell yourself you are going to pull it together for the sake of your child.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Bensen1998 said:

She will make it so hard for me to see the kid.

Rubbish. Living a continent away is making hard. Your stories about child support are nonsense also. 

 Stop blaming the entire world for your money, drug, alcohol and mental health problems. You have family where you live so go to a doctor .

[Bensen1998]

Quote

 

Sorry don't take me wrong There isn't drugs or alcohol or any problems involved. I just said a story FYI what She blamed me and accusations are incorrect. I wanted to mention that  That's all. My bad if I came across as its worlds fault. Everything I do is my fault I know that and I am working on it. Don't take me wrong I am very rational person and i wanted to share my story