Jump to content

Help I need some advice on what to do, feel like she’s lost feelings for me


J0hn95
 Share

Recommended Posts

So I’ll start with a quick recap of the year with my relationship. On April 2021 I parted ways with my ex of 5 years due to me not seeing us progress any further we don’t speak but we still are friends. Skip about 2 months I matched with this girl on tinder and chatted a little but had a bad phone call experience due to nerves. 2 weeks later I actually met her in a nightclub and we hit off really well and she saw different side of me compared to the phone call, we exchanged social media and cracked on from there.

 

So it was a on off talking stage for a good month I saw her only once in that time and she had a holiday and the week she got back I had a holiday it was bad timing really. But after my holiday we went on dates and yeah we progressed and started mention relationships, meeting parents etc. On the 6th date we went out had a good time and finally to the bedroom we were gonna have sex but unfortunately probably due to nerves I couldn’t really hold an erection. She said don’t worry plenty of time and kind of shrugged it off and now this is where the problem started.

 

It’s been 2 days since that night and she had been very blunt, not calling me babe etc. And just been very distant. I knew what the reason was so last night I addressed the elephant in the room. I explained it must of been due to stress, anxiety nothing to do with her I’m very into her and find her very attractive. Ill mention now that she was in a 5 year relationship but hers was very sour with her ex cheating etc. And her response to me that it has brought back insecurities about her past relationship and feels she’s not good enough, she has also insecurities about her body. I feel like she’s going to fizzle out and end it with me she hasn’t opened my message for nearly a day now! I really have developed feelings for her and I would hate for this to end like this, I see her snap score going up so I know she’s talking to other people she’s posting photos on Instagram it’s just making me feel so depressed and I can’t sleep or work I really can’t go on like this would love for peoples opinion and advice it will help me out a lot thanks.

Edited by J0hn95
Link to comment
Share on other sites

First off, if you are looking for something serious, you made a mistake by going to Tinder.  99% of the women you meet on there are going to be dirty tramps.  For whatever reason, you found one who had a little more patience than the rest, but still, mostly likely a dirty tramp.  When she didn't get what she wanted, she moved on and so should you.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

45 minutes ago, J0hn95 said:

her response to me that it has brought back insecurities about her past relationship and feels she’s not good enough, she has also insecurities about her body.

Sorry to hear this. You're simply not ready to date if "nerves" is a problem. She is not ready to date either, so it's a case of too much too soon.

After 6 dates, you are not exclusive so still talking to and meeting others. Next time, try not to rush women into bed or future talk with this much insincerity.

Take a breather. Are you still communicating with your recent 5 yr ex?

If you go on dates make sure you're not talking about exes and if you have performance anxiety, don't drink if you plan to have sex.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. You're simply not ready to date if "nerves" is a problem. She is not ready to date either, so it's a case of too much too soon.

After 6 dates, you are not exclusive so still talking to and meeting others. Next time, try not to rush women into bed or future talk with this much insincerity.

Take a breather. Are you still communicating with your recent 5 yr ex?

If you go on dates make sure you're not talking about exes and if you have performance anxiety, don't drink if you plan to have sex.

Hi thanks for the reply, A apart of me thinks maybe too soon but another reason could be I’ve been under a lot of stress with work and family.

I guess we was exclusive but not officially said, we never saw any other people we had been talking for about a month before we started going on dates properly, think a part of me just wanted to give a good performance and maybe pressure just got to me?

We don’t talk I feel like if I messaged my ex she will think there’s a chance again and don’t know how she’s coping.

She mentioned her past and ex a lot now I look back I don’t think I actually remember a time I mentioned mine to her.

Do you think it’s best to wait a couple of days and message her how she is or just leave it and wait for her?

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, J0hn95 said:

Do you think it’s best to wait a couple of days and message her .

Ask her out again at a mutually convenient time. If she dodges it, you'll have your cue to move forward.

However she seems to damaged to date.

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry, but I think she has already fizzled out. With some people one mistake is more then enough to ruin it. Especially with people on dating apps who have a bundle of interested parties lining up for them. That is the curse of dating apps, if you have too much options almost none of them makes you happy and when you find some flaw its easy to just bail to next one. There was an interesting psychological experiment with that, one group of people were given to choose a painting and keep it and other group were given to choose the painting but with option to give it back later and take a different one. Second group of people almost always found some flaw on painting they chose and took different one later. While first one was really happy with given painting. That is how it is with options. And I feel that is how it is in your case. You didnt perform, it triggered her in a bad way and that is it. Its OK, it happens. Some of them are just not meant to be and who knows why its good especially if she is like that. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, J0hn95 said:

It’s been 2 days since that night and she had been very blunt, not calling me babe etc. And just been very distant. I knew what the reason was so last night I addressed the elephant in the room. I explained it must of been due to stress, anxiety nothing to do with her I’m very into her and find her very attractive. Ill mention now that she was in a 5 year relationship but hers was very sour with her ex cheating etc. And her response to me that it has brought back insecurities about her past relationship and feels she’s not good enough, she has also insecurities about her body. I feel like she’s going to fizzle out and end it with me she hasn’t opened my message for nearly a day now!

Yes, I feel you are right... sorry.

She is not 'able' to give herself properly to you. I feel she is not even close to be ready, freshly being out of a long term (rough) relationship.

Nothing you can do about that, but respectfully leave her alone now.  No begging.. nothing.

If she can't do this, they she can't!

I think maybe you BOTH need some down time from dating & getting involved.  Is way too soon to be dating again after a long term (and failed) relationship.

So, focus on YOU for a while... This was a very short-lived experience for you and in ways I feel your 'emotions' could also be stemming from your last experience as well.

Since, you are truly NOT emotionally invested properly with this 'new girl'.

So, try to calm down... give yourself TIME to get yourself back to good again.  Dont look at getting involved again for at least another 6+ months... For your own mentality.

Is there a reason why you are looking to date again so quickly after your last one?

Is good to learn to be okay Single and comfortable with yourself, on your own for a good while, before dating again.

 

Edited by SooSad33
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, I feel you are right... sorry.

She is not 'able' to give herself properly to you. I feel she is not even close to be ready, freshly being out of a long term (rough) relationship.

Nothing you can do about that, but respectfully leave her alone now.  No begging.. nothing.

If she can't do this, they she can't!

I think maybe you BOTH need some down time from dating & getting involved.  Is way too soon to be dating again after a long term (and failed) relationship.

So, focus on YOU for a while... This was a very short-lived experience for you and in ways I feel your 'emotions' could also be stemming from your last experience as well.

Since, you are truly NOT emotionally invested properly with this 'new girl'.

So, try to calm down... give yourself TIME to get yourself back to good again.  Dont look at getting involved again for at least another 6+ months... For your own mentality.

Is there a reason why you are looking to date again so quickly after your last one?

Is good to learn to be okay Single and comfortable with yourself, on your own for a good while, before dating again.

 

Thanks for your reply, It has been about 4-5 moths since we split with our exs and first time dating properly, I really want to message her so i can clarify on where i stand because its just making my days so long and hard. It seems such a waste, Ive briefly spoke to her parents on facetime and she tells me they liked me, telling me everything is alright on the night.

I have told myself t be fair that i would not do any dating for a whole year and just focus on self improvement first think it'll be good to take my mind off things.

I think I've got this fear that because all my friends have partners some are married some are having kids, I'm literally the only single in the groups. and I feel like I'm going to be the odd one that will just be going partner to partner and never find the one to settle down.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, J0hn95 said:

 

I think I've got this fear that because all my friends have partners some are married some are having kids, I'm literally the only single in the groups. and I feel like I'm going to be the odd one that will just be going partner to partner and never find the one to settle down

This is going to cause you to make terrible relationship decisions. Love and marriage is not a competition or a race. Shouldn't it be about finding the right person?

I think this anxiety over being single is what's causing your extreme reaction to this situation. This is not the love of your life. It's simply one woman you went on a few dates with.

Deal with your fear and anxiety before you try to get back out there again. Otherwise you'll continue to panic and overreact.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, J0hn95 said:

I think I've got this fear that because all my friends have partners some are married some are having kids, I'm literally the only single in the groups. and I feel like I'm going to be the odd one that will just be going partner to partner and never find the one to settle down.

 

No, no this is wrong way to look at things.

We all go at our own pace in life.  Never compare yourself to anyone else. That is their path, this is yours.

Soo many people get together & break up.  It happens daily, so never rush into this kind of thing, just because YOU don't want to be alone.

I am on my own and fine with that.  A relationship takes time to 'build', and within a relationship, you both need to be ready mentally & emotionally .. as well be honest, respectful, communicate, etc. as it takes your time and energy.  If she is not 'ready', then she has nothing to give.

Yes, remain single a good year to get yourself back to good. and just leave her be now, because it sounds like either of you have what it takes to make this work.

Focus on YOU only now.  That's what is best. ( no expectations from her or anyone).

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, J0hn95 said:

Thanks for your reply, It has been about 4-5 moths since we split with our exs and first time dating properly, I really want to message her so i can clarify on where i stand because its just making my days so long and hard. It seems such a waste, Ive briefly spoke to her parents on facetime and she tells me they liked me, telling me everything is alright on the night.

I have told myself t be fair that i would not do any dating for a whole year and just focus on self improvement first think it'll be good to take my mind off things.

I think I've got this fear that because all my friends have partners some are married some are having kids, I'm literally the only single in the groups. and I feel like I'm going to be the odd one that will just be going partner to partner and never find the one to settle down.

 

No more messages. Work through that fear of being alone. It'll help you read people a little better and you won't feel the need to keep sending messages like this. It's too repetitive and unnecessary. Also, people tend to withdraw from that kind of vibe because it's needy and draining. You've already told her where you stand. 

What isn't happening is that you don't feel whole, as a person. You're still hurt and feeling worried and sad or insecure that you haven't found a partner because you've just lost one. These are all very normal and ordinary feelings after a break up. Treat yourself better by not chasing after people at this stage or who don't feel the same as you. Feel good about yourself - that should be your number 1 priority at this point.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

This is going to cause you to make terrible relationship decisions. Love and marriage is not a competition or a race. Shouldn't it be about finding the right person?

I think this anxiety over being single is what's causing your extreme reaction to this situation. This is not the love of your life. It's simply one woman you went on a few dates with.

Deal with your fear and anxiety before you try to get back out there again. Otherwise you'll continue to panic and overreact.

Thank you all for your messages it’s really opened my eyes. This comment really hit me it mad me realise that yeah I am scared of being alone and this is will just only ruin future relationship I have.

unfortunately I was impatient and stupid and did message her last night we cleared somethings she claims she hasn’t been distant at all been busy at work, she told me how she felt and it is what it is and that it has knocked her a bit. We are small talking for now but I won’t chase her I feel like I need to focus on myself now.

forgot to add I wanted to end my relationship with my ex about 1-2 years ago when I had the courage to even broke up with her I had huge fear if I was doing the right thing, was I ever gonna get over her, will I find anyone else like her etc. Which held it back for that long. I still think about it now from time to time.

Edited by J0hn95
Forgot to add
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Look I hate to say it but I think it's just that old saying "she's just not that into you". People on online dating and especially on hook up apps like Tinder can be very flakey and always looking for "the next best thing". Tinder is a pretty shallow app where people basically only care about looks and hooking up. I used it for about five minutes and got sick of it and never used it ever again.

It kind of sounds like this girl wasn't really that keen on you to begin with, sorry. You said that you ruined the phone call due to nerves and then sounds like she lost interest. She didn't seem interested in talking any more until you ran into her.

If she really liked you then why would she be so intolerant that you couldn't get hard on your first time having sex? Also just leaving you on "read" is rude because you did have six dates and you were intimate. She can't just ghost you and she needs to let you know if she's not interested anymore. I think maybe she didn't see you as boyfriend material and just wanted to hook up for sex. And when that didn't happen, she started losing interest. A woman with real substance wouldn't just turn cold because you had some trouble maintaining an election. If she immediately lost interest that means she just wanted you for your penis and not for the real you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 8 months later...

The erection thing happens could be stress could’ve been nervous I assuming it was a while. If you really want this girl whatever that desire is your going to have to work for it. I would say start working out it helps with stress and you’ll get in shape if your in shape you’ll get more in shape. The thing that happened definitely won’t happen post pics at the gym put yourself out there. You gotta defeat the stigma she might be for the streets if she’s on tinder or be a good girl. The other side of the coin is you might be desperate or a good guy you have to prove yourself. 

Just being honest don’t keep messaging her say what’s up and if she responds keep it cool if she doesn’t hit the gym go out 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...