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Wife refuses to work or find a job


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I am recently married to a pretty great lady, well, besides the laziness and refusing to work. 
She quit her job of 7 years because she felt she wasn't being paid enough and wanted to pursue at home work. In order to do this, she needed a newer computer. I purchased the computer and it has literally sat on the desk for 2 months, being only used as a research tool, much like our phones. She promised to use this computer to start doing online business for companies. She had a plan, but refuses to take the courses involved to get her cert/creds and instead sleeps in late and basically does nothing all day. Social media, mostly and sitting on the new computer talking to friends. 
Since she moved into my house (9 months ago) she has promised to help me with the bills and I have received very little money, maybe $200. She has no money left and keeps telling me it wont be like this forever and promises she will be helping me. I have purchased a brand new couch for us, a bed, the computer and many project materials around the house over the course of the year. She always says she will help, but never does. She is 35, we have no kids, pets or any person other than ourselves to care for. I have tried to help her as best I can and explained to her we have over $2k in bills every month but refuses to seek any type of employment. She has one small job cleaning 4 hours a week but with that money she buys edibles and alcohol but offers none towards the bills. I do love her very much but I am really starting to feel used and not respected. I have had multiples conversations with her but she refuses to help me. Whats next? What do I say? Everytime I talk to her she gets upset and I am being very fair and understanding. I work over 40 hours a week and am stuck with these responsibilities on my own. We are running out of money and my credit cards are maxed because of this. 

Edited by Stevelewis
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6 minutes ago, Stevelewis said:

laziness and refusing to work.

 

6 minutes ago, Stevelewis said:

sleeps in late and basically does nothing all day

 

6 minutes ago, Stevelewis said:

refuses to seek any type of employment

 

6 minutes ago, Stevelewis said:

she buys edibles and alcohol

I'm sorry, but she is a straight up loser.

At the age of 35, she knows better. She just doesn't want to do better.

She is a drain on your bank account and this kind of person is not what anyone would want for a partner.

I don't know how you can even have respect for her after working all day long and coming home to her doing next to nothing all day.

You need to start getting a backbone and tell her she either gets full time work, or you're going to speak to a divorce lawyer.

And yes, you are most definitely being used.

 

Edited by SherrySher
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14 minutes ago, Stevelewis said:

sleeps in late and basically does nothing all day. Social media, mostly and sitting on the new computer talking to friends. 

Surely, OP, you were aware of her tendencies before you married her?  Did you not make these important aspects crystal clear before getting married? I take it she moved in with you because you got married to her? 

The situation surely cannot go on like this and all I can say is that you may have to end this marriage. 

You got had, OP!  By the looks of it. 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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4 minutes ago, Stevelewis said:

She has one small job cleaning 4 hours a week but with that money she buys edibles and alcohol . 

What was her profession before you married? How long did you know each other prior to marriage?

Why is she buying alcohol and drugs? Did she have that problem when you were dating? Is the house in your name only?

You can not force her to work. Sadly you are legally married and therefore a joint entity financially and you can not withhold marital funds.

Why is she a cleaning lady if she was working a real job before?

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

you can not withhold marital funds

What?!? Marital funds..uhhh, no. He is allowed to keep his own paycheck.

There is only a distribution of money that would be forced to split if a divorce were to happen.

He does not owe this lazy person anything, if he is working and she is not.

 

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Yes, you got taken.  Are you actually married to her?

She needs to shape up or ship out.  It's that simple.  You are letting her get away with this by not requiring more of her.  That's called enabling.So she spends her bit of pay on edibles and booze!  No wonder she's lazy.  She does need to go.

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24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was her profession before you married? How long did you know each other prior to marriage?

Why is she buying alcohol and drugs? Did she have that problem when you were dating? Is the house in your name only?

You can not force her to work. Sadly you are legally married and therefore a joint entity financially and you can not withhold marital funds.

Why is she a cleaning lady if she was working a real job before

I agree. Something is not right. How come he missed such signs? And why only recently did she get to move in with him? And why cleaning? Even though she used to do a corporate job.

OP if you can answer these questions, that would give more context. Ofc, no doubt she's taking advantage. But, how did it get to that point?

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I have known her for a few years, we dated for a few years. I knew she drank and smoked weed, it was never really a concern. Not because I dont care but simply because it did not effect our relationship that much. Only after she moved in did things start to change. Once she decided to quit her job did I really see what was going on. I don't regret marrying her, she is not the devil. We have a lot of fun together and many other aspects of the relationship are good.  I came here for advice on what conversation to have next. I realize this situation is not good and I do have a backbone. I am not going to simply boot her out because of this difficult time. I realize she could be taking advantage of this time. Her job was as a receptionist, she wanted to work from home to do online logistics for companies. The cleaning is just a small gig she found to earn a bit of money. Her last job, she was having issues with them getting to pay her more, they refused. So, she thought she could make more money working this logistics thing from home. Problem is, it has been months and she has barely scratched the surface on training for it. 

 

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1 hour ago, Stevelewis said:

I am really starting to feel used and not respected.

1 hour ago, Stevelewis said:

refuses to seek any type of employment.

Your life, your problem Steve. You asked for advice and you got it.

You ARE being used and disrespected and well you know it. But you'll keep going anyhow. 

She is 35, not a child who has to be pushed and shoved into action. 

Anyhow, OP, you will only see what you want to see. I just do not understand you, at all. 

1 hour ago, Stevelewis said:

sleeps in late and basically does nothing all day.

It is pointless trying to "talk " to her.  Of course she gets "upset". She doesn't want to lose the sweet deal she has with you. 

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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Your life, your problem Steve. You asked for advice and you got it.

You ARE being used and disrespected and well you know it. But you'll keep going anyhow. 

She is 35, not a child who has to be pushed and shoved into action. 

Anyhow, OP, you will only see what you want to see. I just do not understand you, at all. 

It is pointless trying to "talk " to her.  Of course she gets "upset". She doesn't want to lose the sweet deal she has with you. 

I will say this, I see perfectly what is going on. Advice?! 0-100, thats your advice?! I am trying to save my marriage. So let me get this right: you just boot someone out and tell them to  piss off when there is downfall? Perhaps there is a chance this will turn around with some work. 

Used or not, how do I address this situation in words? 
I realize these are MY choices, MY problems. Who the hells else would they be?! 
We all only see what we want to see. I find it interesting how much this triggers people. People that have obviously been hurt or taken the same path. Your “advice” is all well and good but the question I asked was not how do I go about ending my marriage, it was how do I save it. 

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10 minutes ago, Stevelewis said:

People that have obviously been hurt or taken the same path. Your “advice” is all well and good but the question I asked was not how do I go about ending my marriage, it was how do I save it

She sees you struggling for 9 months and continues to remain largely unemployed and continues to spent every dime she has on herself. I can't imagine doing that to my partner, or him doing it to me. It would never happen.

I don't think you realize that people like this don't change. It will always be you doing the pushing and prodding to keep her in line. A marriage like this will never be fulfilling unless you like that constant uphill battle. 

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Easy on there, Steve! You came on here seeking advice and all the posters, not just I, gave you advice. No one is "triggered" and you seem very much on edge, which is not surprising considering your situation.

I cannot tell you how to save your marriage.  WE can only go by what you write, words up here on a screen, and your description of your situation does not bode well.

So instead of sounding off at me then perhaps both you and your wife might consider seeing a counsellor, face to face, an objective third party and see what s/he can do to help you.

2 hours ago, Stevelewis said:

Everytime I talk to her she gets upset and I am being very fair and understanding. I work over 40 hours a week and am stuck with these responsibilities on my own. We are running out of money and my credit cards are maxed because of this. 

You said this. We didn't. 

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You're asking for what words you can say to get your wife to "change". 

Change only happens when the person themself decides they WANT to change. Not because someone else wants them to.

What motivation does your wife have to do anything differently? She sleeps and gets high and you not only pay for everything but you buy her more nice things. Why would she want that to stop?

You can try one last ditch effort. Explain to her the money just isn't there. You will be able to pay for the absolute basics (food, mortgage, utilities and fuel for your vehicle). There is no money to go out, to buy nice household decor or appliances or electronics, new clothing, shoes or jewelry or travel. Just the basics. If she wants any of the extras she will have to get a job to pay for them. And that includes her pot. If she wants weed she will have to get a job to pay for it.

Tell her you feel you two are a team, but you can't be successful unless both of you are contributing. 

If she continues to sleep and get high and still won't work, then you have your answer. You'll know she's no longer interested in the marriage.

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2 hours ago, Stevelewis said:

She has one small job cleaning 4 hours a week but with that money she buys edibles and alcohol .

Stop buying stuff for your house. Get yourself on a budget.

Unfortunately the main problem (substance abuse) is the one you "don't mind".

Until that is addressed, conversations and nagging about working are pointless.

Stop making this about investing in a house that's only in your name or how maxed out your cards are because of your purchases.. These are your problems not hers because it's your spending that's out of control.

Start making this about her lethargy, malaise and inertia, which are all substance abuse related.

There's something wrong when someone needs to scrub toilets to buy substances to abuse, no?

 Does she contribute by doing errands chores, etc.? For example, who is cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc.?

 You need a better budget and she needs to have the depression and substance abuse addressed.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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24 minutes ago, Stevelewis said:

Your “advice” is all well and good but the question I asked was not how do I go about ending my marriage, it was how do I save it. 

You really cant. You can try but its hardly gona have effect. You married a lazy woman who quit her job because she thought she was underpayed(I can bet she wasnt, it was just "too hard"). Who refuses to take a real job and spends whatever she has of her money on drugs and alcohol. On top of that, you enable her that. There is no magical wand that you would "swoosh" and that would fix that. You just had to look better before you married somebody like that. Your best bet is this

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

You need to start getting a backbone and tell her she either gets full time work, or you're going to speak to a divorce lawyer.

 

But again, with the person like that I doubt it would have any effect.

Edited by Kwothe28
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