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How to not feel bad about being distant?


B.S.
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Hello people. It's me again but new and improved. I've been single for about 3 months now and I'm doing very well back at school again and I also recently got a new job. Besides that, I've been talking to multiple people who came back into my life after I got out of my toxic relationship. It's great to have all this freedom back and so I cherish it a lot. This guy who I've known and met one time also started talking to me again. We had a one night stand and we kind of remained acquainted after that. So now we planned to go to a Halloween event at a theme park which I love cause spooky season is really fun for me. Now, I've told him before we planned this what my expectations were of our relationship and I asked about his too. This to make sure there isn't gonna be any hurt feelings or anything like that. Our expectations are mutual; we want to hang out be friends and if we feel like it we can have sex since we've done it before and there are no strings attached. So when we had that talk I felt really relieved cause it felt like a load off my shoulders. But then he started texting way more often and he wanted to see me in between the event which I declined cause frankly I don't have the time and also I want to focus on myself more these days. How do I handle him texting me every day? It's not like he texts me all day long but just standard texts every day like "How is your day?" and then he texts me goodnight and stuff. To me it doesn't feel like we're on the same page when it comes to the amount of contact we have. I kinda want to just slow it down a little since I'm not looking for someone to talk to who I also have a romantic history with every single day. Do I tell him again or do I just do my own thing and respond whenever I feel like it?

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Respond when you have time and let him know that you are busy and sometimes can't respond right away. It doesn't need to be a full blown conversation. He will catch on. 

Be wary of anyone who needs reassurance multiple times or doesn't take the hint. He may have more feelings for you than you can reciprocate. You're not in an exclusive or monogamous relationship with this person. It's a set up for convenient sex between friends. See how it goes. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Thanks Rose, I was getting all up in my head about it cause I already explained it so well in my opinion. But I will definitely not let anyone rush me to reply and let him know if it gets too much. Also, I really hope he's on the same page as I am cause it will hurt him more than me since I know what I want and what I don't want 🙂

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What people say and what people do are sometimes two different things. For example he may have said that he wants to be casual to appease you, but his actions show that he wants something more. "Good morning" and "Goodnight" texts are something couples do now. Respond whenever you want but if he wants something serious dont think you are on the same page.

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1 hour ago, B.S. said:

we want to hang out be friends and if we feel like it we can have sex since we've done it before and there are no strings attached. 

Ok. So you want to be FWB? He's being a good guy and trying to understand your strange terms. 

 Be clear in yourself what you what. Texting you is not harassing you or being rude. You need to relax and stop being so icy.

 Either stop hanging out with him or be a decent friend.

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I'm not being icy haha, we have conversations a few times a week cause I do respond when I'm willing to and we've also planned an outing together. We're not regular friends though and I'm just trying to be cautious by not replying immediately and every single time he texts me which he does every day cause that could send him mixed signals. We also send snapchats to each other on the daily just like I do with my family/collegues/friends. It's not like I'm ghosting him😅 I don't think my terms are strange at all either; we can hang out and do the deed but just don't text me all day and treat it like a serious relationship lol that's all.

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His actions imply that he is looking or hoping something more will come of this. So if you are not interested, it would be a good idea for you to reiterate that you are not interested in more and won't be. Also, you can tell him that you are not into the goodnight/good morning texts and it's weird coming from a friend. When you need to assert boundaries, sometimes you just have to be blunt in a hammer to nail kind of way.

If he ignores you and continues to be pushy, you will need to send him packing for good. A large part of asserting boundaries is that you have to be willing to cut people out of your life who insist on trampling them after being warned not to.

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1 hour ago, B.S. said:

Thanks, yes I'm not 100% sure if he is on the same page but then again it's my choice whether I want to see him or talk to him or not. I just find it hard to establish boundaries sometimes.

Then be frank about what you're not able to do or what you are not interested in. He can make the decision himself whether he wants to keep texting you or seeing you. As far as you are concerned you're busy so don't self-sabotage either if you have other goals/plans you're working on.

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You think you explained it but the truth is he's good enough to see in a month or more from now and good enough to have sex with if you feel like it but not good enough to keep in touch with or see in between.  Seems to me he's not comfy with having that low a place in your life especially since he knows you'd be willing to get naked with him and have sex.

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If HE is picking up now & it is too much, maybe this isn't something for him?

Maybe what he wants & what you want is totally different.

You said it's some guy who you've know - so a friend?  Then, maybe it's just too much for you.  Don;t even look at him for a fwb.  You got together the one time, but for some, they 'want more'.

Maybe he's way too into this and you BUT you are not and so not ready for some full fledged relationship. So, maybe this will not work out?

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19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You think you explained it but the truth is he's good enough to see in a month or more from now and good enough to have sex with if you feel like it but not good enough to keep in touch with or see in between.  Seems to me he's not comfy with having that low a place in your life especially since he knows you'd be willing to get naked with him and have sex.

Casual sex is neither high nor low place in anyone's life. It's an at will proposition as both people wish and no, it's not an obligation to act all relationshipppy and keep daily contact. Same as most of us don't talk to any friend on an every single day basis. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to hang out and then if in the mood to have sex or not. It's also an arrangement that either person is free to end at any time. Literally the definition of friends with occasional benefits.

This guy is pushing for more and that has nothing to do with respect or being high or low in anyone's life. If the OP is not interested, she needs to speak up and be firm about it and be sure he gets it that what she said, she meant. Too often, guys don't hear what women are telling them and assume that with a little pushiness, surely she'll change her mind. OP needs to set him straight on that.

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3 hours ago, B.S. said:

We also send snapchats to each other on the daily just like I do with my family/collegues/friends. 

Texting doesn't make a relationship "serious".

It's doubtful he thinks that if he sees you as a FWB and you two discussed and agreed on this.

Just tell him you're not a texter. He's not crossing boundaries or being rude. Stop snapping him all day  if you don't want "mixed signals".

You are simply playing delay games rather than being forthcoming about not being interested in texting.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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4 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Casual sex is neither high nor low place in anyone's life. It's an at will proposition as both people wish and no, it's not an obligation to act all relationshipppy and keep daily contact. Same as most of us don't talk to any friend on an every single day basis. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to hang out and then if in the mood to have sex or not. It's also an arrangement that either person is free to end at any time. Literally the definition of friends with occasional benefits.

This guy is pushing for more and that has nothing to do with respect or being high or low in anyone's life. If the OP is not interested, she needs to speak up and be firm about it and be sure he gets it that what she said, she meant. Too often, guys don't hear what women are telling them and assume that with a little pushiness, surely she'll change her mind. OP needs to set him straight on that.

I mean he’s good enough to have sex with but not good enough to stay in touch with on a friendly basis or not hang out with. Not high or low.  I have friends who are activity partners - acquaintances- not right now but in life I have. We see each other connected only to the activity. But I don’t have enough in common to have a friendship otherwise. So I’ll rephrase.  He’s her sex partner.  She doesn’t want more to do with him other than their meeting up for sex. But he does and is deciding to see if he can convince her to hang out and chat aside from sex. 

Edited by Batya33
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Tell him that if he doesn't agree to your terms and mutual expectations, it's time to go your separate ways and you'll cease all contact with him permanently.  If he continues to text you relentlessly as if both of you are closer than you prefer, then ghost, block and delete him.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Texting doesn't make a relationship "serious".

It's doubtful he thinks that if he sees you as a FWB and you two discussed and agreed on this.

Just tell him you're not a texter. He's not crossing boundaries or being rude. Stop snapping him all day  if you don't want "mixed signals".

You are simply playing delay games rather than being forthcoming about not being interested in texting.

 

I don't snap him all day and he doesn't text me "relentlessly", just a little more often than I would like. The problem I came here for to get advice on was not about him, rather about me feeling bad about not texting back all the time.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I mean he’s good enough to have sex with but not good enough to stay in touch with on a friendly basis or not hang out with. Not high or low.  I have friends who are activity partners - acquaintances- not right now but in life I have. We see each other connected only to the activity. But I don’t have enough in common to have a friendship otherwise. So I’ll rephrase.  He’s her sex partner.  She doesn’t want more to do with him other than their meeting up for sex. But he does and is deciding to see if he can convince her to hang out and chat aside from sex. 

THANK YOU. And we have talked about this cause I brought it up the minute he said he wanted to hang out. It's just that I sometimes I feel bad about setting boundaries for myself after I've already done it. Which is a step in the right direction for me cause a year ago I wouldn't have even stated my boundaries to begin with.

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18 minutes ago, B.S. said:

THANK YOU. And we have talked about this cause I brought it up the minute he said he wanted to hang out. It's just that I sometimes I feel bad about setting boundaries for myself after I've already done it. Which is a step in the right direction for me cause a year ago I wouldn't have even stated my boundaries to begin with.

I'm glad you told him how you want to interact with him.  I'm glad you did this and if you feel guilty or badly remind yourself you are not leading him on.  He is an adult and you were honest with him that you plan on seeing him next month but not before

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I dunno, there's more than a month between now and Halloween. Maybe he's just trying not to lose touch before then?

I'd skip responding when it's not a good time, then I'd text whenever I fee like it.

If he's okay with this, that will be apparent. If this is not okay with him, you'll figure that out and decide it's time to find a different date for Halloween.

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6 hours ago, B.S. said:

I don't snap him all day and he doesn't text me "relentlessly", just a little more often than I would like. The problem I came here for to get advice on was not about him, rather about me feeling bad about not texting back all the time.

Don't feel bad about not texting back all the time.  You've already told him what your terms were and mutual expectations.  If he doesn't remember, then remind him.  After that, continue not feeling bad for not replying all the time. 

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7 hours ago, B.S. said:

I don't snap him all day and he doesn't text me "relentlessly", just a little more often than I would like. The problem I came here for to get advice on was not about him, rather about me feeling bad about not texting back all the time.

Let go of that. As I suggested in my previous post, stay focused on your own plans or whatever you are working on. If you feel prompted mute his contact and check back the next day or when you have time. It doesn't sound like he's bothering you much at all but you're feeling overwhelmed.

I think this is a mountain of a molehill and it'll resolve itself. A lot of situations don't warrant a big discussion unless someone becomes overly intrusive to the point of harassing you or showing up unannounced at your doorstep or workplace for example.

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This situation reminds me of the time I had this stray cat visit my yard.  He looked hungry so I gave him some food.  I really didn't want the responsibility of a pet but it felt good to help this cute, poor animal.  Plus, he was feral and likely enjoyed scavenging other people's trash or even doing some nighttime hunting.  He didn't have time to sit on my lap or chase my laser pointer around the room.  However, the next day, the little bastard was at my back door again making all kinds of noise and scratching on my door.  It really got on my nerves so I reluctantly gave him some more food.  He ate and took off without even a thank you.  Wouldn't you know that cat was back the next day doing the same thing?

With all of that said, this is what you need to do.  You need to trap this guy into a cage, put him in the trunk of your car, drive about 50 miles into country and open the cage.  This will help solve your problem.  

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I used to have a male friend (no sex) who told me multiple times that he wanted to date me.  I clearly, kindly and repeatedly told him no, I felt friendly toward him but not romantically. I told him I valued him as a friend but I will never date him or see him in a romantic way. And that I would like to spend time together as friends but not as dates.  Well, he persisted, partly because his friends kept telling him "she wouldn't talk to you or spend time with you if she wasn't interested". No matter how many times I told him "no" he kept at it.

The last straw was when I went to his home to watch a sporting event. Before I headed over I again said clearly that it would be two friends hanging out, not a date or a hookup. About an hour in he announced "I'm gonna give you a massage". I politely said "no, thanks". He said he couldn't believe I didn't want a massage and I said no, I really don't. He then left the room and came back with a bottle of baby oil, instructing me "take off your top". Say what??? I got angry and told him he wasn't respecting my wishes OR me and I left. 

The end result is, we are no longer friends because he would not take no for an answer. No matter how many times I said no.

Is an occasional roll in the sack worth all this angst? You are obviously stressing over this. I see no good reason to continue this "friendship". Surely you have other friends you could go to the Halloween event with. If he continues to pursue you and doesn't listen when you ask him to dial it back, maybe it's time to say goodbye.

 

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