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I'm (F22) dreaming about an old ONS (M23) almost every night although I'm in a perfect relationship (with M23)


lebensweg1a
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Hey,

lately I've (22F) been dreaming about a guy (23M) I had a ONS with like two years ago almost every night.

Back in 2019 we've met over an dating app. I was in a pretty ***ty relationship from 2017 to 2019 and had only been single for 2 months then. So I wasn't looking for a new relationship, I just looked for a date for the night. So the both of us met and suprisingly spent like 2 days together. He only was on vacation in my hometown and actually lived pretty far away on the other side of the country. Although the both of us were just looking for a one time thing, we ended up really liking each other. I remember it feeling like "love on first sight" and I guess he felt pretty similar about me. In those two days we only had sex once on the very last day and it just was the best sex I've ever had with a stranger. We promised we'd stay in contact not letting this end as a ONS (haha). Well long story short we actually planned on meeting again, but never did. At first we texted each other regulary, but after like one and a half months he eventually started answering my messages very slowly and I got the hint and stopped texting him after some time. I also started seeing other guys and tried forgetting about him although I compared him to every new guy I met.

After a few months I met my now boyfriend (M22) and I was completely over him. Although I felt like I wasn't ready for a new relationship (and he said neither was he), we got together quite quickly. I love him like crazy! I've never liked anyone as much as him. We've been togehter for almost two years now and it's still magical. We've moved together during covid and he even made that horrible time feel great. Of course, we sometimes fight, but I feel like the both of us are putting so much effort and love into our relationship that it could last many many years. We're just very similar in our personalities.

So actually everything's pretty perfect except for the fact that I'm dreaming about this ONS guy almost every night. In the beginning of my new relationship, I never thought about this old ONS, but after a few months he occured into my mind quite often. I'd describe it as "phases". Sometimes I'd think about him all day searching for him online and stuff - and sometimes I wouldnt for weeks. So a few months ago, I even started dreaming about him. Nowadays I dream about him like every second night. The dreams usually are somehow "realisitic" like that he texts me or he visits me or he got a new girlfriend or something. Usually I think it's true for a few seconds after I wake up. Honestly it's quite exhausting because it makes it so hard for me to forget him. It's been two years, I'm with the perfect guy and I'm still dreaming and thinking about this dude from two years ago.

You might be wondering if I ever texted him or something, but I didn't. He texted me once (in 2020) asking if we ever wanted to meet again. I replied something like "Acutally I'm a relationship now so no" and he said "Congratulations that's great".Now here comes something I'm not too proud of. At the end of 2020 my best friend and I got very drunk together and called some people anonymously... yeah, um, so she called him and they talked for a few minutes (he also was drunk). I don't think he knows it was me and it's extremly childish, but in that moment it just felt great to hear his voice.

I never told my boyfriend. I know it's not that bad, but I don't think it would help the situation. I literally don't know what to do. It's not like I'm stalking this guy online (not anymore), I'm in no contact with him whatsoever and still I'm dreaming about him. I just don't know what to do. And honestly I don't know what would happen if I ever saw him again? I even thought about asking my boyfriend to take a break in our realtionship just so I could see this ONS again, but that would just be so rude and stupid. That kind of idea only feels great for a few seconds. It's just like sometimes I wish for it so bad.

And it's very hard for me to admit, but like 3 times in the past I even thought about this ONS when I was having sex with my bf. I feel extremly bad about that.

I don't even think I would like to be together with this ONS guy. From an objective point of view this ONS is not a great guy. I just don't understand myself.

Maybe some of you know what to do. I really do not want to break up with my boyfriend and I'm not sure if it has gotten clear, but our relationship is amazing. I really do love him and most of the times I do not think about this ONS.

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29 minutes ago, lebensweg1a said:

We've moved together

Stop and reflect if it's really about this man or the carefree times before the domestic drudgery of living together. 

A tryst with an exciting sexy stranger is a lot  more fun than paying rent, taking the trash out, going to the supermarket, etc.

 Your current relationship may be  good in many ways, but sometimes escaping to a place of freedom and excitement indicates that you're in a rut.

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It is okay to dream about people in your past. 

Dreams of people in your past can be an indication that some of your present needs are not being met. What about your current relationship would you change? What is your boyfriend not doing that you wish he were doing?

The dreams could also be an indication that you are simply not over this other guy. Do you want to be with him?

On the other hand, sometimes people just make an impression on your heart/mind and thus become "characters" in dreams which are essentially nonsense. There may not be any meaning behind them. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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2 hours ago, lebensweg1a said:

I never thought about this old ONS, but after a few months he occured into my mind quite often. I'd describe it as "phases". Sometimes I'd think about him all day searching for him online and stuff - and sometimes I wouldnt for weeks. So a few months ago, I even started dreaming about him. Nowadays I dream about him like every second night. The dreams usually are somehow "realisitic" like that he texts me or he visits me or he got a new girlfriend or something.

I feel all of this is like a 'what if', when in reality it was only 2 days spent!

You did speak again for a bit, but again, nothing.

 

2 hours ago, lebensweg1a said:

I'm in no contact with him whatsoever and still I'm dreaming about him. I just don't know what to do. And honestly I don't know what would happen if I ever saw him again? I even thought about asking my boyfriend to take a break in our realtionship just so I could see this ONS again, but that would just be so rude and stupid.

Okay, well this is a little concerning- but as I mentioned, is like a 'fantasy'.  Is maybe time to yeah..smarten up and see what you DO have?

Sex thoughts do happen but How about YOU remove this guys number now and focus on your present BF.

See how it really is.  A weekend fling and I am sure IF you two ever met up again, he will NOT be much the same as how you met him that one time.

Curiosity is normal, but don't you feel enough now?

Time to seriously let go of that moment & see your present in clear view.

 

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I would have discounted this as an old crush flaring up, but you actually called him. Even if he didn't realize it was you, you stepped over the line. 

I would ask yourself what's up with your current relationship that you're escaping into this fantasy again and again, and have actually thought about breaking it off with your boyfriend just to have this guy again. I know you came back to your senses, but it's telling that this has occurred to you more than once. 

My guess is that this is less about this specifc guy, and more about boredom with your current boyfriend - or something else lacking altogether.

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The brand new excitement of the beginnings in a relationship or a fling have their time and place. It's something that can't last a lifetime, and it's not supposed to. In happy LTRs, there are highs, lows, plateaus, and a deepening of love that lasts a lifetime.

In your case, either the emotional connection is missing in your relationship, and that's something that has to be worked on with effort from you and your bf. Or, you're young and really want to have more dating experiences before you're ready to get serious with someone.

What do you fight about? How does he make you feel special? What do you to make him feel special? 

If you want to make things right with your bf, you're going to have to vow to never search for the person you had the fling with ever again. You're going to have delete and block his number. If you can't do that, admit you're not ready to be in a serious relationship. If you wouldn't want your bf doing these things, then don't be a hypocrite and engage in that behavior yourself. When you stop engaging with that fling and force your mind to think of other things if you begin fantasizing about him, the dreams will stop.

If you decide to remain with your bf, read some articles on how to inject a spark back into the relationship. 

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