I feel like he's neglecting me when he's out with friends

[HelloThere123]

Hi. In a perfect world, I'd be fine with him doing his own thing, but there's a history to this. He always tries to include me in these hangouts but at the start I wouldn't feel comfortable cause I'm not a party person like they all are, so I tried to back out of these things and leave them to him, but that made him upset cause he wanted us to hang out all together at all costs. Then whenever he'd be torn between me or them it would end up being them and he'd just apologize afterwords, after having a nice night out. I started associated him spending time with them as him neglecting me and now I'm bothered by things that would otherwise be normal, like him going on a walk with them or watching a movie. I don't want to be _that_ girlfriend but I also know my feelings are there for a reason.

[Pleasedonot5]

Yes, your feelings are there, probably because you want to spend time with your boyfriend. Or, you want to feel wanted / like a priority. 

But he was showing you that you were a priority when he insisted that you spend time with him and his friends. This was a kind gesture that you turned down. Since you are the party creating the unnecessary this-or-that choice, he has probably acted reasonably in choosing to spend time with his friends.

How much time do you two spend together one-on-one? Do you have opportunities to hang out one-on-one beyond the time that is "up for grabs" so to speak? Do you have a group of friends that you hang out with, or is your social time really only defined by the time you spend with him?

[Batya33]

So many feelings are there for a reason.  You're cranky "because" you're tired.  So? It's kind of irrelevant.  You made your own bed -he was really appropriate in inviting you.  And it's fine you didn't want to but please don't hold him back from his friends.  What do you do when he is out? Do you have fun or relaxing stuff to do on your own? Do you meet up with friends if you want to? You tell yourself "I don't want to be that girlfriend so I'm going to choose to react to my feelings of being "neglected" by not letting it out on him or making it his problem.  It's not.

There is no perfect world as we're human so that cannot be the standard.  Take responsibility for your reactions by choosing to accept your choice and/or by deciding you want someone whose social life will be more to your liking or by getting busy when he's busy -you don't have to leave the house but do something you like to do and that way you'll have interesting things to talk about when he comes home.

 

[HelloThere123]

I never asked him to choose between me or them, I asked him to keep us separate cause I wasn't comfortable with the situations of us being all together. The times he 'choose them over me' are those when he'd bail on our plans to do something with them instead, or was less caring towards me cause he didn't want to miss out on the fun.

I have friends of my own, as well as hobbies, and he should as well. But I don't think neglecting your partner is acceptable in these situations.

I don't want him to stop seeing them cause I feel this way, I want to find a way to stop associating it with being neglected, since he's trying not to repeat the previous instances. 

[1a1a]

To break the mental association you might need to enlist the aid of a mental health professional. Psychologist, social worker or counsellor would be my recommendation. 

[Tinydance]

Well he is allowed to have friends and spend time with them. It's a shame they're not your cup of tea but not joining them is a choice you made yourself. He's just spending time with friends which is normal. However if he bails on your plans with him and chooses his friends over you too much, that's just rude.

[Seraphim]

How often does he go out with them ?

[Capricorn3]

Sounds like he's an extrovert and you're introvert.  Incompatible comes to mind.

He invited you to join him with his friends but you say you are not comfortable in these situations. That in itself will always be a problem because it will restrict the entire relationship as you'll both be living separate lives in a sense.  If you two can't even enjoy an outing together with friends because you feel uncomfortable then I don't see this relationship ever working.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, HelloThere123 said:

But I don't think neglecting your partner is acceptable in these situations.

Can you define what "neglect" means to you?

For example, how often does he spend time with them, and how often does he spend time with you? You said he's previously canceled plans with you to hang out with them - does that happen often? And do you make any effort to hang out with them, or do you say no every time?

I would also remember that we can't make someone pay more attention to us or be more caring if they're just not feeling it. We sometimes have to step back and observe what our partners do of their own volition, with no prompting from us. And if they choose to drop the ball again and again, we might have to face the fact that they are losing interest in the relationship. That could be what is happening here, if it's happening with increasing frequency. 

[Kwothe28]

He wanted to include you in his company because he wanted you all to hang out together. That is what people in relationships do, its OK to have separate friends but that is not the point. The point is that you accept his friends(as well as him accepting yours) and you all hang out together sometimes, whether its a party or just walking or watching movies together. After you blew him off and asked him to keep you separated, can you really blame him for sometimes choosing them? He wanted to include you into his world and you just said "No". So dont act like a jealous wife now when he spends time with them when you are to blame for that. I know that there are some people who forget friends when they enter relationship. But most people dont because, unlike most relationships, good friends are there for life. So they usually balance and try to hang out together. You expect him to choose you, while making no strides to actually bring those two worlds together. And maybe all watch that movie now. So I am sorry, but you have only yourself to blame for this situation.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, HelloThere123 said:

 he'd bail on our plans to do something with them instead, or was less caring towards me cause he didn't want to miss out on the fun.

Unfortunately you are incompatible if he's an extroverted party animal and you would prefer one-on-one dating.

Try not to accept poor behaviors under the guise of "the cool GF".

He seems quite immature. How old is he?

Consider ending it so you can start talking to and meeting more mature decent guys who want to date rather than act like fratboys.

[Batya33]

If he cancels plans with you last minute that's not ok and he's probably doing this in a passive aggressive way to "retaliate" for you refusing to go out with his friends.  Sometimes we have to join in to show loyalty to our partner - unless his friends are mean to you/harassing you.  Maybe say yes sometimes or take a separate mode of transportation and leave early.

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, HelloThere123 said:

Then whenever he'd be torn between me or them it would end up being them and

 

13 hours ago, HelloThere123 said:

he'd bail on our plans to do something with them instead,

A person can have more than one priority, but with these statements, clearly his scale is not evenly balanced. I have a feeling you're both being unreasonable and are highly incompatible, but it would be helpful to give proper advice if we knew more details. Is his group of friends all male or a mixture of men and women? Why do you not like hanging out with them, and how many times have you been around them? Why do you call them partiers when they seem to also get together for movies and walks?

I can see you not wanting to join them at bars, but why not come to a consensus and partially please his want of you being with his group on outings that don't involve drinking?

How often does the group get together during the week? How many times a week do you try to set up plans with your bf? How many times a week does he try to make plans with you? What is your ideal on how many times a week you see him and what is the actual amount that happens? How long have you been dating?

Getting the answers to this would help us get a clearer picture.

 

[DancingFool]

It's not neglect, it's incompatibility. What he likes to do and how he likes to socialize and spend time with you doesn't fit in with how you are and what you want from a relationship. Neglect would be if he went out with friends and you weren't invited or welcome. However, you simply don't want to join him. That's the definition of incompatibility.

Rather than getting into blame games and resentments, would be better to call it a day on this relationship and simply acknowledge that you and him are way too different to be happy and content together.

Going forward, look for a guy who is more into being one on one with you rather than out socializing with many. In short, look for someone who is more similar to you in terms of how they socialize and how much. Dating is all about learning who is and isn't right for us in the long run and this is teaching you that a Mr. Alwayssocializing is not your cup of tea and not suitable for you.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  Both of you have different lifestyles, preferences and values.  Both of you won't mesh and click.  Both of you are not in lockstep nor on the same page. 

Since there is no compromise and both sides have their differences in opinion, I agree with others, this relationship is not working. 

Be with a more compatible man.  I remember when I was dating my husband.  I joined his friendship group, enjoyed being with his friends, we had mutual friends and we both socialized with separate  friends.  Note that our socializing with others was infrequent and only occasional.  Our families reside locally so we were with them as well whether together or separately.  We also spent time together doing what we enjoyed such as various outings, dining out and the like.  A happy medium is important. 

Either both of you need to strike a balance somewhere or go your separate ways. 

[HelloThere123]

Firstly, thanks for the contributions, I didn't expect so much feedback!
I'll try and answer some questions and give you a bit more insight.
He's 28 and I'm 24. We've been together for a year and a half, on and off. We've had difficulties, much greater than this one and I still believe we should be together. We are a very unlikely couple and it's our differences that allow us to benefit from each other. We keep each other in check and give each other a different perspective on things, we make each other rethink our opinions and even values and keep each other growing. We keep challenging each other and have evolved as individuals ever since we met. This is why I would like you to please not advise me to simply break up because there's more to the story and our social preferences are not greater than the rest of it.
And yes, he wants to act like a frat boy, and I strongly believe he should. He never got to do that before, growing up in Muslim countries, and now he can and he should. He's not planning on being a frat boy his whole life and I certainly prefer him being one now rather than later when he's attached to higher responsibilities.
He and I met in a shared flat and started off as roommates. He moved out a few months ago and it benefited our relationship since we need more space for ourselves before we move forward. We still see each other almost daily, so he gives me a lot of attention and is very caring in that respect.
He moved into a new shared flat and this is where he met the friends group I'm talking about. They're mostly female. As roommates, they also spend a lot of time together. The walks and movies happen spontaneously, so I don't get invited to these but to more organised events like parties.
I don't refuse to join them every time I'm invited. I've made an effort, especially at the beginning, but I just wasn't comfortable. I said I'm not a party person, but that was a short explanation. In reality, I am, and also very social, but I am not quick to trust people. These people are still strangers to me and I would need to get to know them better to feel comfortable around them when my guard is down. Since this was important to him, I invited them all to a more calm get-together, so I could use the opportunity to get to know them better. They blew me off, without ill intention, since they didn't realize it was an important thing for him and me. I asked him to talk to them and have them put some effort in too, but all he did was tell them I'm uncomfortable with parties and they just accepted that's why I wouldn't be joining. That's when I asked him to keep us separate, to do the things he enjoys with them and stop insisting I be a part of it when I wasn't comfortable with it. We'd both ideally want me to be a part of it all and to feel good about it, but I can't make that happen forcefully.
I'd be fine with this new arrangement if he hadn't started blowing me off when a roommate thing would come up. That's when I felt neglected, not prioritised, and like a second choice. That's why now, even with him prioritizing our plans and time together, I feel triggered by him spending time with them because it brings up the feelings of being neglected and passed over for something else.

[abitbroken]

If you expect him to always stay home because you refuse to go out....he's going to go out. Its not even an introverted/extrovert thing.  Many couples are very happy with together time, and some apart time.  But if you NEVER EVER will go out with him and his family or friends even every so once in awhile, you cannot complain. 

I think you have no right to punish him - he tried to include you.

[DancingFool]

11 minutes ago, HelloThere123 said:

And yes, he wants to act like a frat boy, and I strongly believe he should. He never got to do that before, growing up in Muslim countries, and now he can and he should. He's not planning on being a frat boy his whole life and I certainly prefer him being one now rather than later when he's attached to higher responsibilities.

.....Yikes.... Saying that he is acting like some frat boy is incredibly disrespectful on your part toward him. It's a snide and insulting attitude toward someone you claim to care about. Worse than that, aside from looking down on him and who he is as a person, you are actually banking that he will suddenly change.

News flash....people do not change their personalities. Being outgoing and enjoying socializing isn't some flaw that will go away or that he'll grow out of. This is who he is and quite frankly, being social will serve him well in life.

Basically, if you are counting on him changing you are in for great disappointment. The question is, how much of your time are you willing to waste before you find out the hard way that what you see is what you get.

[Batya33]

Try to keep apart the times he is rude by blowing you off and the normal times he just wants to be with his friends.  It's not fair to do this broad brush "I feel neglected" and take it out on him if he tells you in advance.  It sounds like you see it as a "need" for him to act like a frat boy and you assume all people take the opportunity to behave this way at some point in their teenage/college lives.  But that's not true.  At all.  I People are individuals.  I had a really fun partying social life but I never got drunk or used illegal drugs and yet had a blast.  I did hang out with people who did.  So there's a broad spectrum of what "partying" is.  

Has he told you of an end date to his partying lifestyle or are you just making assumptions? Does he get drunk often/use drugs? Are you concerned about potential addictions? 

I do think it's really cool to get different perspectives on life from a partner. And different personalities certainly can complement one another.  Given your alluding to really huge issues in this relationship my sense is that the opposite part might be exciting to you for now but not sustainable long term.

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, HelloThere123 said:

We've had difficulties, much greater than this one and I still believe we should be together. We are a very unlikely couple  - This is why I would like you to please not advise me to simply break up

Well OP, seeing as you say you still believe you should be together, and we are not to tell you to break up, then I am not quite sure what exactly you're asking for.  As an outsider looking in, and going by your description of your overall relationship, to me it has disaster written all over it. I do not see this lasting long term, but, if that's what floats your boat then you can't complain about him.  You made your choice to stay together.

[Andrina]

On 9/20/2021 at 6:03 PM, HelloThere123 said:

I'd be fine with this new arrangement if he hadn't started blowing me off when a roommate thing would come up

Wow, that's a topsy-turvy way to conduct a relationship, doing everything backwards. Going backwards by stopping the co-habiting. He then moves in with a group of women. Is your situation, which is outside of the norm, anyway concerning to you?

What do you mean by blowing off? That you've made plans in advance with him that he cancels, or he's just in the routine of stopping by your place daily and lately, he tells you he won't stop by on a particular day because the girls want to go out for drinking and dancing?

If he's canceling on a regular basis, why would you settle for someone who treats you like this? Like another poster said, never hope someone will change in a major way because there's no guarantee he will. Base your decision's on how things are in the present.

On 9/20/2021 at 6:03 PM, HelloThere123 said:

They blew me off

Hmm. Birds of a feather.

 

On 9/20/2021 at 6:03 PM, HelloThere123 said:

I am not quick to trust people

What are you afraid of with his friends? Trust them to do what? Not to rob you? Not to talk behind your back? Have you ever had therapy for the emotional luggage you haul around? Aren't you tired?