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My mother Refuses to Validate my feelings


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Where do I start. The last years I have come to reolize my older adult sister are highly deceptive, disrespectful and even narcissistic. We’re all adults and when I bring it up to my mother how unfair, selfish and vindictive they have been towards me my mother Denys any wrong doing. If I’m at her home she will even ask me to leave if I don’t drop the topic and if she’s at my home shell threaten to leave herself. An example is after lockdown my sisters went on vacation with their kids and didn’t invite me and my one child.  They sent me a last minute invite to save face. My other sister is getting married and they’re having a pre-party and I was told to only come on the day of the wedding. When I bring this up to my mom she says “they have their own lives to worry about” and then threatens to leave if I challenge her statement. I just want an explanation as to why I’m ostracized from family events.  I’ve never felt this alone in my entire life. It’s very hard when you’re own family invalidates you. I’ve come to deeply hate all of them. 

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1 hour ago, Lisa Love said:

The last years I have come to reolize my older adult sister are highly deceptive, disrespectful and even narcissistic. We’re all adults and when I bring it up to my mother how unfair, selfish and vindictive they have been towards me my mother Denys any wrong doing. If I’m at her home she will even ask me to leave if I don’t drop the topic and if she’s at my home shell threaten to leave herself.

I figure this is why you are ostracized from events.... they are selfish, toxic people.

And knowing this explains plenty.  You cannot reason with them or get along.

If your mother feels she stuck in the middle of of it all, could be she's not wanting to be and tries to bow out of your disputes ( unless she is the same, then you won't get far with her in this either) 😕 .

Either way , knowing people like this are toxic and impossible to deal with, don't interact with them at all.  Less the better, right?  For your own sanity.

There's all kinds out there.  I have a cpl toxic sisters as well and I don;t bother with them... One's far away and It doesn't bother me at all.  We stopped talking years ago, due to her attitude and jealousy.

So, is maybe best to just stop questioning why they do the things they do , as you are well aware of their behaviour.

 

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Stop forcing your mother to take sides. That would stop a lot of the conflict.

You and your siblings are grown women not toddlers your mother has to referee.

Yes, your mother has the right to ask you to leave when you become manipulative. Her job raising babies is done.

Focus on your depression, anxiety, getting treatment for that and getting out of your unhappy marriage.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Quite often we don’t get people to validate us, not even parents. You will need to validate yourself. If you are not getting what you need from them stop discussing this topic. If you don’t get invited stop making a big deal about it stop hunting them down and looking for invites. Just stop the interaction. 

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12 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I figure this is why you are ostracized from events.... they are selfish, toxic people.

And knowing this explains plenty.  You cannot reason with them or get along.

If your mother feels she stuck in the middle of of it all, could be she's not wanting to be and tries to bow out of your disputes ( unless she is the same, then you won't get far with her in this either) 😕 .

Either way , knowing people like this are toxic and impossible to deal with, don't interact with them at all.  Less the better, right?  For your own sanity.

There's all kinds out there.  I have a cpl toxic sisters as well and I don;t bother with them... One's far away and It doesn't bother me at all.  We stopped talking years ago, due to her attitude and jealousy.

So, is maybe best to just stop questioning why they do the things they do , as you are well aware of their behaviour.

 

Thank you 🙏 this makes a lot of sense. I am well aware of their behavior. One sister is a spiritual teacher and she said oh you know that word gaslighting I recently learned it. You know how I used to deny everything that’s true. Used to as in something in the past. They are so delusional it’s unreal. 

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The problem is unfortunately is that your mother can't really control your sisters, as they are adults. She's probably getting frustrated that you and your sisters are having these issues. As you said, you are all adults so your mother can't dictate to your sisters how they should behave. I think that you need to confront your sisters and ask to know why they're doing this to you.

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Your mother doesn't want to get involved in what she perceives your whining as drama and she doesn't care how you feel or what you think.  She wants you to keep everything light, generic, polite and very superficial regarding your relationship with her and your siblings.  She doesn't wish to be bothered by your drivel.  (With all due respect to you.)  Your mother and sisters lack empathy.  Grow accustomed to it. 

I know you want to express your feelings of ire, discontent and unfairness to your mother and you crave her empathy.  A normal parent-child or grown adult child has an empathetic rapport.  She will not be the type of mother you expect, want and wish for and you will not have the idyllic sister relationships you prefer.  This is how it is for millions of families.  Everyone won't agree with each other regarding how to treat each other with love and respect.  This is the norm for many.  I'm sorry.  Accept it even though you don't like it because life is unfair.  Lower your expectations to nil.   The less you expect of others, the less you'll get hurt. 

Since you'll never be able to change people or change how they think,  stop trying to instill values in them because it's a lost cause.  Accept that they are who they are and there's nothing you can do about them or situations.  Therefore, you're the one who has to change, change dynamics, enforce strong, healthy boundaries for yourself and learn to adapt. 

With your sister's deception, disrespect and narcissism, avoid her.  You can still remain polite and well mannered while maintaining a safe, cool distance.  With your mother, keep your opinions to yourself.  She doesn't want to hear it so back off.  Play nice with her and leave it at that.  Don't get close to people if they don't treat you the way you should be treated.  Do that in order to keep the peace for yourself and your sisters.  

As for the lack of invitation to you, let it go.  Don't pout, stew nor get steamed for being excluded.  Accept that you're rejected and their heart's not into you despite the last minute invite.  Be a good sport because you're teaching your child how to have class, behave with dignity, poise and aplomb during challenging situations.  Be the bigger person and take the high road.  Don't force yourself to be with people when you know you're not well liked nor welcome.  Go with the flow to your advantage!  Go your own way in life by creating your own happiness for yourself, your child and be with considerate, mindful people who treat you with respect. 

Don't expect explanations regarding your ostracism.  Accept it and go about raising your child properly and set a fine example.  Don't complain, explain nor make excuses because you can't change ignorance. 

Gaslighting is the oldest, nastiest, deflective, most manipulative, ugly, psychological warfare.  It is a mental disorder for which there is no cure.  Steer clear and never allow any conversation to escalate to gaslighting.  Keep a frosty, respectful, well mannered distance at all times.  Play it safe for yourself and your child.  Stay away from weird people who lack moral character. 

Change the way you think if you want to feel and become strong and tough.  Treat them the same way they treat you so this relationship is fair and balanced.  Become dismissive, indifferent, apathetic, unemotional, emotionally detached and numb.  Do less, say less, write less.  Keep certain people at arm's length for your own safety.  Learn to protect yourself and your feelings.  Once you transform and evolve yourself, you will feel cool and resilient.  

I speak from experience.  I've tried all sorts of tactics all to no avail.  It was all an effort in futility trying to reason with unreasonable, illogical, unstable, insecure, emotionally unintelligent people which was like administering medicine to the dead.  Either you'll feel defeated each and every time, you'll be gaslit or you'll cause unnecessary turmoil, distress and discord.  It's never worth it.  It's a waste of your time and energy.  Don't get hurt anymore.  Get smarter. 

Don't try to force people, dynamics and relationships to change in your favor.  Change your trajectory and change YOUR behavior if you want healthy control in your life. 

Google "emotional intelligence."  You can never reason with those who lack emotional intelligence.  Therefore, strategize yourself, change your tactic and become very shrewd.  You will feel permanently unwavering, steadfast, absolute, very secure, cool and content with yourself. 

Edited by Cherylyn
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Don't expect validation.  Change the way you think, act and strategize for your mental survival.  This new trajectory will benefit you tremendously in your favor and advantage.  Play your cards smart.  Put yourself in the driver's seat and everyone will play by YOUR rules from now on unbeknownst to them.  It's very empowering. 

I've since had a lot of practice.  Don't get involved with people who act like idiots.  Steer clear.

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You're unhappy with your husband, your husband's family, your sisters and your mother. Your husband sends you into a "rage" and is "narcissistic" (in your words) and his family AND yours is rude, uncaring and dismissive of your feelings.

Since you cannot change any of them, the only thing you can do is change your circumstances or your own reaction (if you are unable or unwilling to change your circumstances).

Has your marriage improved at all? Are your in laws treating you any better?

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sibling rivalry can extend into adulthood.  They could be awful sisters.  Or there could be a "it takes two to tango" thing. Maybe you are a jerk to them, too. Or maybe you complain about not being inccluded other times at events you are included on.

I really think you should not go over to mom's house and complain about your sisters.  Have a relationship with your mom and don't expect her to "make" your sisters do anything. Mom set a boundary.  So go over there but stop ragging on your sisters.

If your sister is in the other's sisters wedding party and you are not - i get why you were not invited. If they both have 9-12 year old girls and you have a 4 year old boy or you have a 15 year old girl and they have 5-7 year old boys i get why they would not think of inviting you to a vacation. 

There are two of my siblings who are especially close - their kids are close in age andt hey do things together without always inviting me.  Big deal.

So control what you can --- and don't bother with what you can't.

Also, when you do see them - are you fun to be around? Or do you only rag on them about what they do?

 

Edited by abitbroken
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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You're unhappy with your husband, your husband's family, your sisters and your mother. Your husband sends you into a "rage" and is "narcissistic" (in your words) and his family AND yours is rude, uncaring and dismissive of your feelings.

Since you cannot change any of them, the only thing you can do is change your circumstances or your own reaction (if you are unable or unwilling to change your circumstances).

Has your marriage improved at all? Are your in laws treating you any better?

The bolded. If the OP was my sister, i would not want to invite her either. 

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You're unhappy with your husband, your husband's family, your sisters and your mother. Your husband sends you into a "rage" and is "narcissistic" (in your words) and his family AND yours is rude, uncaring and dismissive of your feelings.

I was thinking the same thing some time ago.  OP, when you look at that full picture, it leads to you being the common denominator.

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Guilt is the opposite of a good motivator for change.

Attempting to instill guilt in others through accusations will succeed in making them feel lousy--about YOU, not themselves.

If you continue this cycle of forcing a desire in everyone to eject themselves from your influence, what will that solve?

There is zero payoff to the way you are handling people. (Have you noticed?)

I would honor Mom's wishes to avoid getting dumped on about others, and I'd make my time with her fun and enjoyable--and about HER-not-Me.

People can sense when you hate them--and that's not an incentive for inviting you to be around them. I'd rethink that position, and I'd become the change that I wish to see.

Edited by catfeeder
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Ahhh I see that you are married to an Arab (no offense to Arabs here) and his family. And, your own family doesn't treat you right.

My guess is that you were raised by a narcissist, and then married a narcissist. Add to that, the cultural differences. His family is sneaky around you and disrespects your presence (they could speak English around you. Not doing so is rude).

Could you file for divorce, and go back to your home country? Not necessarily to your parent's place, but by yourself. Do you work? How did you get to such place? I know some women who have fallen into this trap before, and got stuck in the men's country or left. Most recent is my old good friend, who managed to work, save money, and divorce+ leave her ex's country in her 50s.

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The OP stated in December 2016

"I'm muslim as well but I consider myself very liberal. "

And also stated that she is not treated well by either her husband or his family.

OP. You truly need to get your life in order. Get a divorce and get a proper life for yourself, on your own.  Please respond to the posters.

(Just to remark that there are Christian Arabs, and non-Arabs who are Muslims. The OP and husband are Muslims).

Your entire situation makes for very sad reading OP. September 2017 you said here:

"he (your husband) said everyone knows this is a sham marriage because you got pregnant. I thought we got married out of love but apparently it was out of duty for him."

You come here time and time again but do not engage with us. You know full well it is time to divorce and go your own way.  You live in the U.S.A. I see.   See a lawyer and get yourself organised.

 

Edited by LaHermes
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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

"he (your husband) said everyone knows this is a sham marriage because you got pregnant. I thought we got married out of love but apparently it was out of duty for him."

Oh no. That is so sad.

OP, since you live in the USA, then you have support available. Please please please seek help. Even from your mom. You can stay over at her place during the divorce, and until you get a job.

Is he some rich guy, and that's why you won't leave him?

I agree with @LaHermesyou need to get your life together. You're in the US, and you have plenty of options. Don't play the victim and leave. I'm sure deep deep inside, you're a strong woman.

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Back almost two years ago DF said this to you, and you were also advised then to consult a divorce lawyer.

"Unfortunately, you married quite a piece of work. Can you pack up yourself and your child and go spend some time with your family or a supportive friend so you can clear your head a bit and figure out what you want to do? It honestly sounds that with a personality like his, your only option is divorce. He will pick apart your child the same way, so please don't use the stay married to an a hole for the sake of the kids excuse."

And here you are again, Lisa.  And as in other threads you are not engaging or responding to us.

For some incomprehensible reason you are still in this abusive marriage, two more years on.   Why?

And I feel this is not the way to go.

" I’ve come to deeply hate all of them. "

You may well need the support of your family once you leave your dreadful marriage. They may be at some distance, in another State, (about 550 miles?) but it isn't a huge distance either.

You ask:

" I just want an explanation as to why I’m ostracized from family events"

Why do YOU think this is so?

Edited by LaHermes
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13 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Ahhh I see that you are married to an Arab (no offense to Arabs here) and his family. And, your own family doesn't treat you right.

My guess is that you were raised by a narcissist, and then married a narcissist. Add to that, the cultural differences. His family is sneaky around you and disrespects your presence (they could speak English around you. Not doing so is rude).

Could you file for divorce, and go back to your home country? Not necessarily to your parent's place, but by yourself. Do you work? How did you get to such place? I know some women who have fallen into this trap before, and got stuck in the men's country or left. Most recent is my old good friend, who managed to work, save money, and divorce+ leave her ex's country in her 50s.

Im not getting mom is a narcissist for not wanting to hear it about the sisters. My mother is a very patient, giving, supporting mom but she "doesn't want to hear it anymore" if my siblings and i would tattle on, complain about what the other one did - she had enough, wouldn't hear it, told us to quit it-- and if really, really pressed WOULD say that she was done or to go home if all we are going to do is rag about them.

no one has to validate our feelings in some cases.  If we complain about everyone - we can control our reactions towards the people in our life and that's all we can do and when we change, sometimes the whole script changes. 

Edited by abitbroken
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