Best course of action? ADVICE please.

[takewhatuwant]

If anyone has read my previous posts you'll see that this has been quite the journey. (m41/ m39)

I ended a relationship with someone I met after getting stuck in Canada because of the pandemic. ( I was living in Asia for the last 5 years, came home to VISIT Canada last March, because of Covid, got stuck because borders closed, met someone with a newborn baby, broke it off because I was going back to Asia for a year, and because newborn baby life was very overwhelming for him/ me/us ).

Basically, I ended it because I was not ready to commit to a long term relationship with a man and a newborn baby, at this time. I had planned to come back to Canada, in March 2023, and hopefully meet someone then. THIS was my plan!...meeting him was totally unexpected..(if I met him in 2023 this would have been perfect!)

AND If a child is involved, and the person is looking for someone who can commit to a "packaged deal", you kinda have to be all-in..

I wasn't sure...so I ended it..

But, I am wondering if I can propose the idea now, of reconnecting in 2023 when I am back in Canada? Pick up where we left off....date and see how it goes, as we had been doing before I decided I didn't want to be tied down....... I would likely be ready for a serious relationship at that time, so....why not plant the seed of possibility in his mind now? ( give me time to tie up loose ends in Asia, and him time to get the hang of dad life )

Is it a good Idea to write him and ask him what he thinks about that?

OR

Should I just let it go for now, continue no contact and then revisit it when I am ACTUALLY back in Canada?

I am tempted to write him now, and present this idea, because I am afraid of the possibility of him meeting someone else and totally moving on..

( Selfish I know ), but I am also wanting to maintain friendly contact with him in the meantime anyway..

Alternatively, I am willing to take the risk and let it go for now, and wait until 2023 to ask him for a date ( assuming he is still single. ).

I need some advice as this is totally new territory. Currently, we are 2 months out of the relationship, no contact. We broke up very kind, cordially and lovingly. All is well...

I had planned to contact him in November by sending a card for the baby's 1st birthday. ( that would be 3 months ) and hit him up for a friendly beer or chat.

But yea, what to do?

[DarkCh0c0]

Okay. Maybe you miss being in a relationship, but I remember your post and you guys are not compatible. No need to force anything. No need to let this drag on (2023!!).

Let it go. Focus on enjoying your new journey and you'll meet a more compatible and healthy person on your way. Relax. He wasn't the one.

[takewhatuwant]

9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Okay. Maybe you miss being in a relationship, but I remember your post and you guys are not compatible. No need to force anything. No need to let this drag on (2023!!).

Let it go. Focus on enjoying your new journey and you'll meet a more compatible and healthy person on your way. Relax. He wasn't the one.

The only reason we weren't compatible, was because I was trying to figure out how to have both the relationship, and my year away to finish off my life in Asia..It was hard to have 2 different realities at the same time..that is why I ended it.. In every other way we were compatible.. the small little details and differences did not amount to incompatibility.. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@takewhatuwant he has a kid and is a workaholic if I remember well.

You're a free spirit with no limits.

Focus on being you for now. The fact that you consider reconciling in 2023 is just very absurd. Likewho does that?

Go on your travel, and when you're back, if you're still in the same mindset and he's available... It won't hurt to try.

But you can't tell someone to wait until 2023. That's not how it works. It's quite selfish, to be honest.

[Andrina]

I think it's better to behave with good ethics and let the cards fall where they may. That means don't make such faraway plans so that someone is putting themselves on ice for you. Nobody is worth waiting around for, in instances like this, IMO. To me, it's selfish to present this idea.

And what if you suggested that, and he turns down others because in the back of his mind, you two will be reuniting in a few years? You might fall for someone during this time, and then you'll have to pick the scab off his wound yet again, as the promise of reuniting fell through.

[takewhatuwant]

11 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@takewhatuwant he has a kid and is a workaholic if I remember well.

You're a free spirit with no limits.

Focus on being you for now. The fact that you consider reconciling in 2023 is just very absurd. Likewho does that?

Go on your travel, and when you're back, if you're still in the same mindset and he's available... It won't hurt to try.

But you can't tell someone to wait until 2023. That's not how it works. It's quite selfish, to be honest.

haha ok this IS accurate...I am a free spirit and he is a workaholic Type A with a newborn...although I think the incompatibility mainly lies in the simple fact of geography: me not willing to stay in Canada until 2023..  but Fair.. I agree that its selfish... I acknowledged that in my post.. just wasn't sure how to navigate when I legitimately see myself giving it a try when I am back in 2023. I wouldn't really call that "absurd".. I see it a bit more clearly now that I have put it in writing..

[takewhatuwant]

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I think it's better to behave with good ethics and let the cards fall where they may. That means don't make such faraway plans so that someone is putting themselves on ice for you. Nobody is worth waiting around for, in instances like this, IMO. To me, it's selfish to present this idea.

And what if you suggested that, and he turns down others because in the back of his mind, you two will be reuniting in a few years? You might fall for someone during this time, and then you'll have to pick the scab off his wound yet again, as the promise of reuniting fell through.

Yes, true, I am seeing this now.. I wouldn't want him to put himself " On ice "... you're right..not fair

[DarkCh0c0]

@takewhatuwant  being so different causes incompatibilities in the longer term.

I have met many like you while traveling abroad. You guys value freedom and usually when someone finds a partner, you bond best with someone that shares this value (along with others). That's how it works.

Have you thought... Your ex might not accept that you occasionally travel and be so free all the time in the long term? He might want you to be a more classical daily grind kind of person. It just won't turn out pretty. I personally also highly value freedom, and so it's 100% better to seek someone on that similar wavelength.

You have to ask yourself: what are my values? Are they a good match in the long run with this potential partner? Cause if not, even if it feels good at first, such incompatibilities will create frustrations later. Don't always let your feelings (fear/guilt/even love sometimes) control the steering wheel. Acknowledge them, but don't act on them. And, It'll be okay. I am very sure you'll find a more fit and loving partner. Take care of you for now, and enjoy your travel! Sounds exciting.

[takewhatuwant]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@takewhatuwant  being so different causes incompatibilities in the longer term.

I have met many like you while traveling abroad. You guys value freedom and usually when someone finds a partner, you bond best with someone that shares this value (along with others). That's how it works.

Have you thought... Your ex might not accept that you occasionally travel and be so free all the time in the long term? He might want you to be a more classical daily grind kind of person. It just won't turn out pretty. I personally also highly value freedom, and so it's 100% better to seek someone on that similar wavelength.

You have to ask yourself: what are my values? Are they a good match in the long run with this potential partner? Cause if not, even if it feels good at first, such incompatibilities will create frustrations later. Don't always let your feelings (fear/guilt/even love sometimes) control the steering wheel. Acknowledge them, but don't act on them. And, It'll be okay. I am very sure you'll find a more fit and loving partner. Take care of you for now, and enjoy your travel! Sounds exciting.

This definitely makes things a bit clearer for sure... But how and when do I message him if I simply want to be friends? No plans to mention the 2023 idea, but wondering when is the appropriate time to reach out to say "hey, how are ya"?.. I was thinking in November, after 3 months has passed.

[Andrina]

Everyone has their own opinion on this. I don't believe in staying friends with exes. To me, it sometimes prevents one from totally moving on and properly bonding with a new love. Many new partners aren't comfortable with their love interest regularly communicating with an ex. Especially when one would have stayed with the ex if circumstances were different, and with hopes to reconcile when the stars align. I've never welcomed exes contacting me (this happened before cell phones allowed blocking). To me it was a rude interruption on my closure.

[takewhatuwant]

38 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Everyone has their own opinion on this. I don't believe in staying friends with exes. To me, it sometimes prevents one from totally moving on and properly bonding with a new love. Many new partners aren't comfortable with their love interest regularly communicating with an ex. Especially when one would have stayed with the ex if circumstances were different, and with hopes to reconcile when the stars align. I've never welcomed exes contacting me (this happened before cell phones allowed blocking). To me it was a rude interruption on my closure.

Fair.. But I like the idea of being involved in the baby's life ( If he'll let me.. I grew pretty attached to her! ).. obviously I will respect boundaries. Some of my greatest friendships are with my ex bfs .. Maybe its a little different in the gay community, when we rely on our chosen family to be our source of connection and "family" ( sometimes, not always..he and I both have supportive families).  Even more so, I would imagine it would be hard as a single gay dad to not feel completely isolated.. I just want him to know he has a support network if he needs.. It really takes a village!.. But again, yea, only if its not weird and he doesn't have a new partner who feels threatened. On that note: do you think its hard to date as a single gay dad?  

[boltnrun]

So what happens if (when!) you meet someone in Asia?  Are you going to explain that either you've a) asked your ex to wait for you so you can reconcile in two years or b) you are continuing to have some sort of relationship with your ex?  How comfortable do you expect someone to be with that?

Also, just because you're having a bit of "seller's remorse" today, in September 2021, doesn't mean in December of 2021 or March of 2022 you'll feel the same way.  I mean, do you remember exactly what it was you were worrying about 3 years ago on this date?

No need to panic.  It will all work out the way it's supposed to, with someone who is completely right for you.  Not "perfect", because that doesn't exist, but RIGHT.

18 minutes ago, takewhatuwant said:

do you think its hard to date as a single gay dad

You don't need to worry about that.  He found you, didn't he?  He'll also be fine.  

[takewhatuwant]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So what happens if (when!) you meet someone in Asia?  Are you going to explain that either you've a) asked your ex to wait for you so you can reconcile in two years or b) you are continuing to have some sort of relationship with your ex?  How comfortable do you expect someone to be with that?

Also, just because you're having a bit of "seller's remorse" today, in September 2021, doesn't mean in December of 2021 or March of 2022 you'll feel the same way.  I mean, do you remember exactly what it was you were worrying about 3 years ago on this date?

No need to panic.  It will all work out the way it's supposed to, with someone who is completely right for you.  Not "perfect", because that doesn't exist, but RIGHT.

You don't need to worry about that.  He found you, didn't he?  He'll also be fine.  

It would be left open, I would never ask him to wait if he met someone new.. but that's out the door anyway, I am not going to suggest this. After reading all these messages it is clear that this is not the best route to go. "sellers remorse", Yea a bit.. more like buyers remorse because I never should have gotten involved!

[DarkCh0c0]

I would agree with @Andrina

I wouldn't offer to keep in touch. It's better to keep healthy boundaries so that you can fully move on. For now, the baby needs to stay out of the equation.

And, If you really insist, get his social media profile and check out his baby pictures/updates (if any). That's the most far you can go with this.

It's all Up to you. But, we're suggesting what's the best to heal and keep an open heart for other potential partners. You never know!

[LotusBlack]

6 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

Fair.. But I like the idea of being involved in the baby's life ( If he'll let me.. I grew pretty attached to her! ).. obviously I will respect boundaries. Some of my greatest friendships are with my ex bfs .. Maybe its a little different in the gay community, when we rely on our chosen family to be our source of connection and "family" ( sometimes, not always..he and I both have supportive families).  Even more so, I would imagine it would be hard as a single gay dad to not feel completely isolated.. I just want him to know he has a support network if he needs.. It really takes a village!.. But again, yea, only if its not weird and he doesn't have a new partner who feels threatened. On that note: do you think its hard to date as a single gay dad?  

The reason you broke up wasn’t solely because of your geography, as you were back in Canada and then he went away to Tokyo and was too busy to afford you even a second thought. You said this wasn’t unlike him, as he is a workaholic and the fact he didn’t even allow you to enter his mind enough as to even fully engage with you on the very rare occasion he did call was very upsetting to you. He didn’t have his baby in Tokyo with him, so his lack of communication was all him, not a result of running around with a baby completely consuming his every minute. I would know - I have a young (now) toddler and when his father went away for a month I still had time to reach out to others. Now with a full time job and a baby, I still make the time to reach out to others. 

Furthermore, the bold and underlined statement I’ve quoted above shows your lack of considering a situation to the end. One major reason you wanted to end the relationship was due to not wanting to settle down as an instant family right off the bat after just meeting. As much as you liked the baby, being anyone significant in her life right now was not something you were ready to do when you broke up. Now you want to be involved with her beyond the relationship despite it being a major factor in why you chose to end things. This doesn’t make sense as it is counter-productive to your core goals and values right now. Nor is it fair for her to get attached to you. In addition, in your very first post, when you presented the dilemma of whether to stay in Canada or return to Asia, you said that your life was in Asia and that is where you are happiest. You gave the very strong impression that you intended to stay there indefinitely. You were given the advice (by me no less) that if your boyfriend was the right person for you then perhaps suggesting temporary long distance and seeing how you may be able to overcome the situation of location when the time is right may be a good way to go. You never acknowledged that potential option and instead went with the idea of likely ending things. Now that you say you intended to only be in Asia for one more year, it gives the option of a temporary LDR even more viability if you really wanted to make it work with him. The fact is, you didn’t.

It is totally normal to miss somebody you invested in, but don’t let that cloud your judgment that you and he, while being a good fit in many ways, are neither a good fit over all or at the right times in each other’s lives for this relationship. Even if you changed the timing, you can’t overcome significant incompatibilities. You and he are like a good but not great pair of shoes to each other - a good pair of shoes are quite comfortable to walk in, up to a point, but when they start hurting, it progresses quickly to a level of pain that makes walking impossible. A great pair of shoes are always comfortable to walk in. And, some shoes just don’t fit from the get-go. You and he are a good pair of shoes, but life partners need to be great in order to stand the test of time and the rocky paths they will inevitably face.

[Andrina]

It's all about the child's needs, not yours. I just don't think she will get anything from a birthday card and FaceTime hellos. Kids value in-person quality time with a person. And kids don't need to get attached to people flitting in and out of their lives. If her Dad finds a forever partner who doesn't want you around their daughter, it will be in her best interest not to have to let you go when she's older and more invested. 

[takewhatuwant]

10 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

The reason you broke up wasn’t solely because of your geography, as you were back in Canada and then he went away to Tokyo and was too busy to afford you even a second thought. You said this wasn’t unlike him, as he is a workaholic and the fact he didn’t even allow you to enter his mind enough as to even fully engage with you on the very rare occasion he did call was very upsetting to you. He didn’t have his baby in Tokyo with him, so his lack of communication was all him, not a result of running around with a baby completely consuming his every minute. I would know - I have a young (now) toddler and when his father went away for a month I still had time to reach out to others. Now with a full time job and a baby, I still make the time to reach out to others. 

Furthermore, the bold and underlined statement I’ve quoted above shows your lack of considering a situation to the end. One major reason you wanted to end the relationship was due to not wanting to settle down as an instant family right off the bat after just meeting. As much as you liked the baby, being anyone significant in her life right now was not something you were ready to do when you broke up. Now you want to be involved with her beyond the relationship despite it being a major factor in why you chose to end things. This doesn’t make sense as it is counter-productive to your core goals and values right now. Nor is it fair for her to get attached to you. In addition, in your very first post, when you presented the dilemma of whether to stay in Canada or return to Asia, you said that your life was in Asia and that is where you are happiest. You gave the very strong impression that you intended to stay there indefinitely. You were given the advice (by me no less) that if your boyfriend was the right person for you then perhaps suggesting temporary long distance and seeing how you may be able to overcome the situation of location when the time is right may be a good way to go. You never acknowledged that potential option and instead went with the idea of likely ending things. Now that you say you intended to only be in Asia for one more year, it gives the option of a temporary LDR even more viability if you really wanted to make it work with him. The fact is, you didn’t.

It is totally normal to miss somebody you invested in, but don’t let that cloud your judgment that you and he, while being a good fit in many ways, are neither a good fit over all or at the right times in each other’s lives for this relationship. Even if you changed the timing, you can’t overcome significant incompatibilities. You and he are like a good but not great pair of shoes to each other - a good pair of shoes are quite comfortable to walk in, up to a point, but when they start hurting, it progresses quickly to a level of pain that makes walking impossible. A great pair of shoes are always comfortable to walk in. And, some shoes just don’t fit from the get-go. You and he are a good pair of shoes, but life partners need to be great in order to stand the test of time and the rocky paths they will inevitably face.

If ever I received a virtual smack upside the back of the head, this would be it. Your message is on point…thank you for that clarity. I guess I just needed a reality check...The timing was wrong, we were not a good fit, but I invested in a life and a part of me misses that life now that the leaves are changing color and the weather is getting colder.. and the loneliness creeps in. I suppose there are better ways to combat that feeling, than pining after an old love connection..  I am in love with your shoe analogy btw. ( definitely going to use that! )

[Batya33]

20 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

The only reason we weren't compatible, was because I was trying to figure out how to have both the relationship, and my year away to finish off my life in Asia..It was hard to have 2 different realities at the same time..that is why I ended it.. In every other way we were compatible.. the small little details and differences did not amount to incompatibility.. 

You have to be compatible and it has to be the right time.  You chose geography over him.  Which is fine - it's a valid choice -but you don't get to ask someone to wait until 2023 because then the geography will work for you.  Sure -be penpals but gracefully step aside if he starts dating someone seriously -if he doesn't step aside first.  He's also a dad -this newborn will be mobile and chatty before he knows it and his priority will be with his child not about whether you two should date in 2023.

[LaHermes]

17 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

I never should have gotten involved!

I absolutely agree OP. No, you shouldn't.

17 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

do you think its hard to date as a single gay dad?  

What makes you think that?  He has as good a chance of finding someone as anyone else.

As for the loneliness you mention, well you will have to deal with that the same way as others do. Healthily.

17 hours ago, Andrina said:

I don't believe in staying friends with exes. To me, it sometimes prevents one from totally moving on and properly bonding with a new love

I agree with Andrina.  In my opinion it is quite pointless. 

[smackie9]

This is done and over with...move on. There is no reason to make you or them wait two years to pickup the pieces. By the time 2023 rolls around, you will be busy with someone else.

[Tinydance]

I think it is selfish because why is your ex-boyfriend supposed to be sitting around waiting for you for 1-2 years? I'm not trying to be harsh but I think you already have your answer if you want him or not - you don't. You didn't really need to "tie up your life in Asia". If you needed to finish something from a financial perspective or say goodbye to people there, you could have just gone there for a visit. If you really wanted your ex-boyfriend and to start this family with him and his daughter then nothing was actually stopping you. The only thing that got in your way was you.

I think don't keep second guessing yourself. You know that saying: "If in doubt, don't". This man is a single father so choosing a relationship with him in a sense means really settling down into like a de facto or marriage relationship and taking on the father/stepfather role. You didn't want to do that for whatever reason. Whether it's just you're not ready to be a father, not ready to settle down, or you just don't see a future with HIM specifically. Whatever the reasons are, they are yours and it's how you feel. Listen to your gut feelings.

[takewhatuwant]

On 9/19/2021 at 2:41 PM, Tinydance said:

This man is a single father so choosing a relationship with him in a sense means really settling down into like a de facto or marriage relationship and taking on the father/stepfather role. You didn't want to do that for whatever reason. 

Exactly this.... I cant just feel my way into the shallow end of the pool. Its dive into the deep end or nothing. That's mildly terrifying to commit to, when you simultaneously have a dream to see the remainder of the world before you commit to any relationship..let alone a relationship of this significance. I need to be in the right place in order to be ready for this type of commitment.. I am clearly not. As for doing the long distance thing, I don't want to have my adventure encumbered by the expectation of a relationship. I guess I just want to be free right now. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, takewhatuwant said:

I guess I just want to be free right now. 

This is the only sentence in what you wrote that deserves your attention IMO.  The rest is fancy word salad - what you wrote really -distilled was "I don't wanna".  Or "I don't wanna badly enough".  Of course you need the right timing for a serious relationship.  Of course you need to consider your priorities.  You believe you can't travel the world and be in a serious relationship.  That's very valid for you.  Others might have a different view but all that matters is you don't wanna. 

You do wanna travel.  You don't want to do both at once.  Nothing encumbering your expectations -it's so much simpler than that.  Your travel might end up being an adventure or not.  Just like a relationship.  As Alain De Boton wrote - when you go on vacation remember you take yourself with you. Or something like that.  

What's also really simple is that if you date a parent of course down the road it's a package deal.  Often even if the kids are grown but especially if they are not.  I never was or wanted to be a single parent but I do know that once I was the mom of a newborn, then infant, then toddler my friendships changed. No- not "mom friends" but it had to be people willing to accommodate my priorities and my new schedule - just as I'd done for my friends when they became parents and I was single.  And  this was just friendships not being involved in a serious romantic relationship. 

Some were accommodating, some were not, and the ones who were weren't always the parents, the ones who weren't were sometimes other parents.  But being a parent - not just in name only/bio parent - changes your life and turns your world upside down (maybe a little less so with full time care or if you're not the parent who is home, etc but still).  So please don't date parents if you're not ready for that and more.  I avoided it like the plague when I was single and I had been a teacher and love kids.

[Rose Mosse]

I think you're overstating the obvious and creating unnecessary friction in order to remain at the forefront of your ex's mind. It's selfish and immature. The obvious part is that if you're both single and you are permanently stationed in Canada or back in Canada in 2023, things would likely pick up where they left off. Both of you have respect, love and chemistry for each other so what are you so anxious or worried about? 

I would not say anything and let it remain respectful and cordial. Give yourself more time to process the break up and don't make any decisions about when to contact next or for birthdays. You're over-planning this when the relationship is over. I would be mindful of this fact and not drag things out for the sake of drama and holding someone back from potentially finding someone else and being very happy.