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First date after fiancé died


MsAin1st
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I am having my first date tomorrow since my fiancé passed away last year.
I was so excited… until i wasn’t. I know I need to do this because my fiancé isn’t coming back. 
I really just needed somewhere to say these thoughts. My friends have been encouraging me to date again and I think they’ll be disappointed that I’m scared, nervous, really unsure of myself. 
thanks for reading. 

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Please don't worry about how disappointed other people are or will be or anything about how other people feel.

Your loved ones love you.  Just as you are.  Nothing more.  They don't want you to do things for them.  They will be happy for you, as long as you are happy.  It makes no difference if, when, who you date.... as long as it is your choice and it makes you happy.

Of course this is a big deal and you will have a lot of emotions and some of them are not so great.  This I know.  

Be good to yourself.  That's all you have to do.  Be there for you.  It's gonna be ok.  It's one date.  Not a life long sentence 🙂  

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I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. 

I lost a boyfriend years ago now, in a sudden accident. It turned my world upside down. So, I can relate to you on some level. 

My advice? A year is not so long. Do not date before you feel ready. Do not date to appease anyone else. Your friends probably want the best for you, but they don't call the shots. They haven't lived your experiences (I suppose) and cannot know what this feels like.  I don't think they will be disappointed either, if you explain that you are just not ready yet. And if they are disappointed and try to pressure you? I would assume they have never felt the grief you have, and I would distance myself from them. 

Be patient with yourself in this process. I don't know if you have done so, but I found some comfort in bereavement support groups and hearing the stories of those who loved and lost, and eventually found love again. It lets you know that there is no "normal" timeline for moving forward, and you will know when you are ready to do so. Now isn't the time, and that's perfectly okay. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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He had a medical incident and died in a car accident. Shocking and unexpected is an understatement. He was 24. 

I met this guy this summer through mutual friends. He’s actually a friend’s brother. We were on a group camping trip. We ended up talking around the campfire and fishing and kayaking together. It felt good to have fun and laugh. I smiled a ton.  His sister encouraged him to ask me to go on a date.  She encouraged me to say yes. She said my eyes looked “bright” again all that week and she could tell it was good for my heart to not be so sad. All of my friends are married or nearly there. I know she’s just looking out for me and wants that for me too. Heck, I was supposed to be a Mrs in 2 months. 

Maybe I just feel bad putting Frank behind me.

I woke up this morning and decided to go out with him. He is taking me to the beach for a walk and a picnic lunch. Super low key and low pressure. Hopefully that will work in my favor. 
 

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3 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

I woke up this morning and decided to go out with him. He is taking me to the beach for a walk and a picnic lunch. Super low key and low pressure.

Excellent. One step at a time.

You don't have to marry or fall in love with this guy. It's good to start living again.

Friends mean well with fix-ups but have fun, take your time and pace yourself.

 Keep in mind, no one will replace your late fiancé, so take everyone on their own merit.

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So sorry for your loss 😞 ...

Never feel you 'have to do anything' in this case.

it is when YOU feel ready .

Encouragement by friends is fine... and you will see soon IF you feel up to this.. or not.

Low key is good, I'm sure he's aware of your experience/loss.

One day at a time.... 🙂 .

Take care & all the best.

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Gosh so sorry for your loss. You seem to have a lot of support from your family and friends. They know you best and it seems they know you are ready to get back out there. And of course they would like to see you happy again, living life, meeting new people. The best way to get through the first steps is to be is positive, don't expect a lot, and just have fun.

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Thank you for all of the encouragement.
We had a really nice day together. 

The only weird part was being spotted by some of my students moms, sitting on the beach in a bikini drinking rum from a bottle… instead of being in school with their little angels. 😝

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1 minute ago, MsAin1st said:

Thank you for all of the encouragement.
We had a really nice day together. 

The only weird part was being spotted by some of my students moms, sitting on the beach in a bikini drinking rum from a bottle… instead of being in school with their little angels. 😝

Aha! Cheers to that. 🏖️

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Glad to hear that you enjoyed your date.

I'd keep reminding myself to avoid pursuing outcomes to make OTHERS happy.

Go at your own pace, allow yourself to feel what you feel, regardless of whether the emotions are fleeting or stay with you.

Trust your gut to avoid voicing the fleeting stuff to invested loved ones. You can vent those here or to someone more neutral than the friends who may be pressuring you.

You can choose at any point to put the dating on hold. Just knowing that that's always an option can take some of the pressure out of your cooker. This may allow you to continue, OR, it may be a simple signal that you're not ready.

If you opt out of continuing to see the guy at any given moment, even if you do like him a lot, you can explain that your current need to halt may be temporary. Ask if it's okay with him that you contact him down the road when you're feeling more confident, and if he's still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up.

No need to burn bridges, but that doesn't mean your door must be completely open like a floodgate.

Take your time.

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50 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Go at your own pace, allow yourself to feel what you feel, regardless of whether the emotions are fleeting or stay with you.

Well last night I felt terrible, and no it wasn’t too much rum. I laid in my bed and bawled for at least a couple of hours. I mean, I suppose I should have expected that. As hard as I try to keep them in check, my emotions are all over the place. 

Not sure how to process grieving over one man but feeling happy when another sends me a text.

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4 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

 As hard as I try to keep them in check, my emotions are all over the place. 

That's ok. Keep in mind romance and dating will stir up emotions that have been numb. Just allow yourself to go through it without expectations.

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On 9/16/2021 at 8:05 PM, MsAin1st said:

I need to do this because my fiancé isn’t coming back

You need to do this? Why?

You need to mourn and heal from losing someone really significant in your life, first. 

That could take a long time yet.

Trying to replace someone with someone else, doesn't work.

Not to say that you can't be happy, you can be...with family, friends, investing in yourself.

Dating doesn't mean you've somehow got over the hurdle of someone else's death, nor does it mean you'll suddenly be happy.

You need to ask yourself if you're ready. If you are ready, you'll feel somewhat confident, somewhat excited, happy within yourself, healed.

If you're not feeling those things, you're not ready. And you shouldn't be allowing others to push you into a situation you're not ready for.

Because truthfully, it could backfire very badly. 

You could be reminded of the love you lost, how this new person doesn't measure up, how you emotions are not healed and now how you may disappoint and hurt someone else due to giving them hope and then telling them you can't do this.

Please really consider if you're ready, or not. 

A year is not very long.

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30 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Well last night I felt terrible, and no it wasn’t too much rum. I laid in my bed and bawled for at least a couple of hours. I mean, I suppose I should have expected that. As hard as I try to keep them in check, my emotions are all over the place.

You're not ready, sweetheart...no matter how much your friends want you to be, no matter how much this man wants you to be.

Death is a very serious thing, and it can take a very long time to get over that..sometimes years.

This wasn't just a guy you had a few dates with, this was a man you were going to spend the rest of your life with.

You need more time to grieve.

This guy you went to the beach with, sounds nice, but at the moment, he is just going to confuse you.

It's not the right time to date.

Edited by SherrySher
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I get it...a death doesn't come without the guilt...you are here, enjoying a beautiful day, on a date with another man...that's a lot to take. Moving on isn't going to be easy, but over time it will.

Edited by smackie9
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33 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Not sure how to process grieving over one man but feeling happy when another sends me a text.

I am happy that it went nicely. Sometimes its easier if we let other people in our lives and open ourselves for them. However, I would still recommend grief counseling. You do still need to process that he died and not to think about stuff like that you are suppose to be Mrs and such. That is still far from getting over. But its nice that you laugh again, that is a good sign.

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37 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Well last night I felt terrible, and no it wasn’t too much rum. I laid in my bed and bawled for at least a couple of hours. I mean, I suppose I should have expected that. As hard as I try to keep them in check, my emotions are all over the place. 

Not sure how to process grieving over one man but feeling happy when another sends me a text.

You are not required to diagnose or prescribe or announce your readiness--for anything. There is no rule book to break or some judge and jury to sentence you if you make a mistake.

You can only decide privately what you WANT to try out and learn from.

You are the only one who can experiment with your own process. Nobody else is living your life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

If you feel happy receiving texts, then receive and respond to them.

If you are willing to allow yourself some moments of pleasure in the company of another, then do that, let the chips fall, and then embrace the mixes of emotions afterward as part of your grieving.

If those emotions allow you a pass-through to a better place, then consider them part of your healing process.

If those emotions lead you to a darker place of suffering, then consider them a signpost that you need more time on your own. From there, you can gently explain this to the new guy, and ask him whether he'd willing to pause and possibly catch up with you at a later time.

There are no RULES, only learning as we go. If you sense that you're leading yourself to a better place, go there. If you sense that you're leading yourself to a worse place, stop and take a breather.

Head high, we're all in your corner.

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10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am happy that it went nicely. Sometimes its easier if we let other people in our lives and open ourselves for them. However, I would still recommend grief counseling. You do still need to process that he died and not to think about stuff like that you are suppose to be Mrs and such. That is still far from getting over. But its nice that you laugh again, that is a good sign.

I had been in grief counseling but stopped going in June. I needed a break from most of my commitments for the summer— after Frank, a truly taxing school year and also being a grad student, I just needed time to just be. I also had to move because I could no longer afford rent by myself. 

Resuming counseling is a smart plan. 
 

36 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You need to do this? Why?

You need to mourn and heal from losing someone really significant in your life, first. 

That could take a long time yet.

Trying to replace someone with someone else, doesn't work.

Not to say that you can't be happy, you can be...with family, friends, investing in yourself.

Dating doesn't mean you've somehow got over the hurdle of someone else's death, nor does it mean you'll suddenly be happy.

You need to ask yourself if you're ready. If you are ready, you'll feel somewhat confident, somewhat excited, happy within yourself, healed.

If you're not feeling those things, you're not ready. And you shouldn't be allowing others to push you into a situation you're not ready for.

Because truthfully, it could backfire very badly. 

You could be reminded of the love you lost, how this new person doesn't measure up, how you emotions are not healed and now how you may disappoint and hurt someone else due to giving them hope and then telling them you can't do this.

Please really consider if you're ready, or not. 

A year is not very long.

What do you mean by investing in myself? I see my friends regularly, have hobbies, a career, and am a grad student as well. 

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28 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

I had been in grief counseling but stopped going in June. I needed a break from most of my commitments for the summer— after Frank, a truly taxing school year and also being a grad student, I just needed time to just be. I also had to move because I could no longer afford rent by myself. 

Resuming counseling is a smart plan. 
 

What do you mean by investing in myself? I see my friends regularly, have hobbies, a career, and am a grad student as well. 

No, I didn't mean that at all. You misinterpreted it.

I did actually say you could be happy, invest in yourself, etc in my post.

But dating is different, it's opening back up to something you may not be emotionally ready for.

It may do more harm than good. 

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30 minutes ago, MsAin1st said:

Not to say that you can't be happy, you can be...with family, friends, investing in yourself.

That was part of my post.

I do encourage you to find your happiness again. Spending time with friends, and family, new hobbies, etc.

But dating is different. A year after a significant death, is not long at all.

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38 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

No, I didn't mean that at all. You misinterpreted it.

I did actually say you could be happy, invest in yourself, etc in my post.

But dating is different, it's opening back up to something you may not be emotionally ready for.

It may do more harm than good. 

Yeah, it’s probably not the best plan to get involved with anyone now.
But it felt so damn good to hold someone’s hand. 

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1 hour ago, MsAin1st said:

Yeah, it’s probably not the best plan to get involved with anyone now.
But it felt so damn good to hold someone’s hand. 

You're still young. I know it seems like everyone is getting married, and having babies.

I remember that pressure. But it's not true. Lots aren't, and many don't get married or have children till their 30's.

You have lots and lots of time.

If you feel you're ready, then just go slow. But only you truly know what's best for your heart right now.

I sincerely wish you the best. You do deserve love again.

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The good news is that this guy knows your story and is not some stranger.  I would imagine he will be super patient with you and take it at your pace.

  I wouldn't cut him loose but I would let him know you are struggling a little with your emotions.

 If you waited 3 years to date again I would bet some emotions would come over you since it wasn't a break up, Frank was just gone with no closure for the relationship or you.

  It sounds like you enjoy being around him so just let it be that for now.  This is new territory for your healing and it will bring up emotions you will have to deal with. 

No matter what you do talk to this guy so he knows what is what.  If I were him I would be nervous being the first guy you dated, I wouldn't want to mess things up or cause you any more pain.

Keep posting it helps

Lost

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