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Remains from the past


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Hi,
Im Catherine and I’m in an 1 and a half year relationship with an amazing person. My boyfriend is kind , caring and very loving. We make plans together and this seems to be going great. 
 

But, in my two past relationships I was the one being cheated on and that did really break my heart. I’m trying not to bring this to surface because I know he ain’t like the previous two and I seem to manage it. Except some very rare moments when those thoughts come into my mind and I wonder whether I should trust that man with eyes closed or if I will be hurt for one more time!

Should I trust him?? He’s so good to lose all that and I don’t want to be disappointed, esp. from that person!

 

thanks for your advice on advance!!!

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11 minutes ago, Catherine1091 said:

Except some very rare moments when those thoughts come into my mind and I wonder whether I should trust that man with eyes closed or if I will be hurt for one more time.

Free yourself from this prison of the past haunting you. He hasn't cheated has he? 

Don't sabotage your happiness by dragging this around with you.

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Perhaps, when you identify these triggers, instead of running away/getting anxious/isolating, lean in to your bf. Hold his hand and Tell him how you feel.

If he's a supportive man (seems like it), he'll reassure you and this cycle of fear with time will be broken.

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I'm not sure how you can ask yourself that question as if it's a choice. You either trust someone or you don't and it won't be fair to your partner not to trust him if he's shown you everything pointing to being trustworthy. 

Did you rush into this relationship or move in quickly? What is the timeline or history? Is your boyfriend a rebound from your past two relationships? Take stock of your own actions. 

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Realize and know that your boyfriend is NOT the same as men from your previous relationships.  Everyone is an individual.  Give him that respect. 

After a year and a half, everything is going great so don't jeopardize nor create unnecessary drama for yourself in your mind or otherwise. 

If he's earned your trust, yes, trust him.  Since your boyfriend is an amazing person as you say, don't let a good one get away otherwise you'll sorely regret it. 

Be grateful for your kind, caring, very loving boyfriend because finding a man like him is like winning the lottery.  Enjoy not having troubles with a man because what you have is priceless. 

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On as scale of 1 to 10, I try to keep my trust meter to a neutral 5 when I first meet someone, and I allow them to show me who they are over time.

You may have been hurt before if your investments were blind.

But now you're not blind. You own the capacity to recognize whether a person's ethical nature aligns with yours, or not.

So observe, and allow t.i.m.e. and his behaviors to teach you whether to trust more or withdraw trust.

Head high, you can do this.

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4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

On as scale of 1 to 10, I try to keep my trust meter to a neutral 5 when I first meet someone, and I allow them to show me who they are over time.

You may have been hurt before if your investments were blind.

But now you're not blind. You own the capacity to recognize whether a person's ethical nature aligns with yours, or not.

So observe, and allow t.i.m.e. and his behaviors to teach you whether to trust more or withdraw trust.

Head high, you can do this.

Thanks so much for the respond. All along the way everything matches, our needs our wants our lifestyle. I have no sigh that he might do something like bad. I think the problem is when I don’t feel good with my self and get effected in the relationship part… I don’t know though😕

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7 hours ago, Catherine1091 said:

Thanks so much for the respond. All along the way everything matches, our needs our wants our lifestyle. I have no sigh that he might do something like bad. I think the problem is when I don’t feel good with my self and get effected in the relationship part… I don’t know though😕

Sounds like you need to work on accepting that cheating is not and was never about you. You can't drive someone into cheating or keep them away from it, no matter who you are or what you do. It is a character problem in the cheater that you don't control. Super models get cheated on. Nobody is exempt.

Only way is to do your best to ensure that the person you are with is a genuinely good person with strong values when it comes to honesty. Not someone who talks about it, but someone who lives it. Something you can see in their actions consistently over time.

As for trust, trust is not blind and it's not black and white either. Trust is very much a conditional and a situational thing. When a person acts in ways that are above board, you grant them a certain amount of trust. The more consistent they are, the more you can trust them to act that way. When or if they start going against that, time to roll back your trust as well. Basically, the old "trust but verify" principle or I'll trust you as long as you act in ways that are trustworthy.

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