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My bf asked a very serious question and...


MonaLisa95
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5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

asked, if you have support - family/friend to assist?).

Yes, I have brothers that wouldn’t hesitate to assist. But I truly don’t want to get them involved. It wouldn’t probably get pretty messy🤦🏽‍♀️

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1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You don't know who you are anymore- . That's why you need friends. He sleeps on the couch same day of breaking up. A friend stays with you same day until he leaves and insures you don't go back on your decision. How about that?

Totally agree Choco. Like the vampire he is he has taken away your personality OP. Your strength. 

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1 minute ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I have brothers that wouldn’t hesitate to assist. But I truly don’t want to get them involved. It wouldn’t probably get pretty messy

Well, get them involved and soon.  No need for it to get "messy".  Get your brothers around there, get them to stay a few nights,and their presence alone and the expression on their faces should steer him towards that door.

 

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Just now, MonaLisa95 said:

I never in a million years thought that I would be in this predicament.

Glad the realisation is dawning on you Mona.  You are probably not the first or the last to find herself in such a distasteful situation. And it is a painful lesson not to let anyone ever again into your space.  You will have much to think about when he is gone,and lots of work to do in order to get back to yourself, and get yourself back!

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Just now, MonaLisa95 said:

honestly almost came to tears at this realization. I never in a million years thought that I would be in this predicament

I'm sorry honey. I know it's hard.

With my recent ex, I became a shell of myself. Running on some self-destruct mode. That's when I knew I had to leave.

You need to do what you gotta do. Your brothers can sleep over and help you not back off. Right now your ex holds the upper hand. You are vulnerable and afraid. So ask for support. That's okay. I wish I could've asked for support, but I was newly in a foreign country.

Your brothers can stay over. I'm sure once you tell them what you want, they would run over to support you and kick this mean out of your life.

Find that inner courage.

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19 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Yes, I have brothers that wouldn’t hesitate to assist. But I truly don’t want to get them involved. It wouldn’t probably get pretty messy

Okay, but if you need assistance to get him OUT, then don't hesitate.  He's pushed it far enough & does not belong there.

Make a plan... plan for a day to do this and write out all you have to say.

You be blunt & get to the point.. and be done with it.

No if's ands or but's.

Edited by SooSad33
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8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, but if you need assistance to get him OUT, then don't hesitate.  He's pushed it far enough & does not belong there.

Make a plan... plan for a day to do this and write out all you have to say.

You be blunt & get to the point.. and be done with it.

 

I’ll definitely give this some major thought! Actually a great idea 

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51 minutes ago, mical said:

You hurt his feelings.

A lot of people would be hurt and offended if their partner responded the way you did.

If he was swearing or being verbally abusive that would be a different story. There was none of that here. 

If you are not in it for the long term why bother and waste time?

 

I understand that, but he’s a fully grown adult. No reason to throw temper tantrums. Besides, how can you be angry if someone is unsure about that given our history? I can’t control the way I feel.

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I don’t think saying never mind and walking away is a temper tantrum or abusive.

His feelings were hurt that’s all which means he cares for you.

He responded negatively just as you are responding negatively to his negative reaction which seems like a negative cycle.

why not just sit down and say - look we have issues we obviously care about eachother is there a way to make it work? See if it’s possible to make improvements and have both needs met.

If not perhaps it’s better to end things now before it gets worse.

 

 

 

 

Edited by mical
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21 minutes ago, mical said:

don’t think saying never mind and walking away is a temper tantrum or abusive.

 

I never said anything about him being abusive. And storming out of the room, sleeping on the couch, and not saying anything else to me when I try to talk to him is definitely throwing a tantrum in my eyes.

Edited by MonaLisa95
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1 hour ago, mical said:

I don’t think saying never mind and walking away is a temper tantrum or abusive.

His feelings were hurt that’s all which means he cares for you.

He responded negatively just as you are responding negatively to his negative reaction which seems like a negative cycle.

why not just sit down and say - look we have issues we obviously care about eachother is there a way to make it work? See if it’s possible to make improvements and have both needs met.

If not perhaps it’s better to end things now before it gets worse.

 

 

 

 

She's paying all the bills and he's living there for free. He's not interested in contributing other than a chore or two.

I don't think there's anything to "work out".  Except the exact day he's moving out.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

don't think there's anything to "work out".  Except the exact day he's moving out.

I totally agree Bolt.  Mical. This individual is living off her, is a freeloader, occupying her property.  He doesn't care for her, never did and never will. He's got a real sweet deal, living off a woman!

You are not the YMCA OP, and less so an NGO. 

Edited by LaHermes
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2 hours ago, mical said:

why not just sit down and say - look we have issues we obviously care about eachother is there a way to make it work? See if it’s possible to make improvements and have both needs met.

You clearly haven't read all the past threads about their toxic history.

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OP, if I may be blunt, this all comes back to you. YOU only have yourself to blame in all this. YOU keep asking "Please help!!".  You get tons and tons of really good, constructive advice, yet you simply carry on.  Members have given a lot of their time to respond to your calls of "Please help!!!", but you don't really "listen" or take any of it on board. YOU make excuse, after excuse, after excuse.

YOU choose to stay in this toxic and dysfunctional environment. It has become obvious you really have no intention at all of dumping this guy. You won't dump him because you simply don't want to. You are both toxic to each other.  Totally incompatible.

Maybe it's time to really focus on what this toxic/dysfunctional environment is doing to your child.  He seems to be an after-thought in all of this.  How about making your son your main focus right now and  doing what is right for your child. ?? YOU are responsible for his welfare, his wellbeing, his safe environment away from abusive toxic behaviour in the home etc.  Right now what he is learning from YOU  is that all of what he sees and hears and witnesses, is perfectly normal behaviour.  Please, put your child before this loser.  He deserves more from you and you owe it to him.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh - it is not my intention, but choosing to remain with this loser clown, well that's on YOU.

Your child deserves better.

 

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12 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

You clearly haven't read all the past threads about their toxic history.

Got it.
 

It’s not about the specific incident itself, but an accumulation (would be helpful for at least a short summary if that’s the case next time when starting a new thread, especially for us newer readers).


Otherwise if my partner felt I didn’t love her from how I responded and went sulking to sleep on the couch I would try and comfort her, tell her I love her and cheer her up.


My advise is that if overall there are more feelings of unhappiness and a lack of peace around a person, it’s best to cut ties.


So I agree with above If he has no job and is unsupportive / mentally unstable with no long term potential, it’s best to leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by mical
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13 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Maybe it's time to really focus on what this toxic/dysfunctional environment is doing to your child.  He seems to be an after-thought in all of this.  How about making your son your main focus right now and  doing what is right for your child. ??

I fully agree with you Capri, and the rest of your post is spot on!

OP. It is vital that you get this individual out of your home, now. Please have your brothers come and stay a few days/nights, and get them to crowd him out. Otherwise he will NOT go.   He is cunning enough to know that you will weaken. You alone do not seem to have what it takes to put him out the door. There is no need for any conversation, written plans or any other dilatory tactics. 

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21 hours ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I never said anything about him being abusive. And storming out of the room, sleeping on the couch, and not saying anything else to me when I try to talk to him is definitely throwing a tantrum in my eyes.

That's called stonewalling. Tantrums are for toddlers. This is a sign that this relationship is doomed. I know the cycle of abuse...they are good for a few weeks, and then they explode, act childish, and the hurt starts again. Wash, rinse repeat.

Edited by smackie9
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