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My bf asked a very serious question and...


MonaLisa95
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5 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

And nothing’s changed! It’s the same exact way right now. 

So WHY are you still allowing this parasite to live on your property?

Now a straight question. When are you going to put him out the door?  Be careful too. Get help with this "eviction". 

And remember, no conversation, none. Just do it.  Don't even ask him where he is going or where he is going to sleep or anything else. 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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Get over this 'guilt'.. and fast!

You just tell him, enough, you cannot 'live' this way & he needs to find someplace else to sleep!  A friends couch? Move back home?  something other than at YOUR place.

You have a child to deal with and you tell him this will NOT continue on any more.

He IS a grown man.. he can learn to find his own way!

You should feel no guilt here... I'm sure he had a life before you came along, right?

You cannot 'solve' his problems.. especially if you are enabling them.  

So, get up, get real and get him out of there.

Edited by SooSad33
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Stop "trying" to end things.

You just end them. That's it. You know what's right for you. You have to acknowledge what's happening and leave this.

For how long do you want to keep on playing the victim? "I see the good in blabla" that doesn't make you any better. You expected this relationship to be the one, and in so many aspects, it's not. And that's okay. You need to accept that he's just not the one for you. That together you don't mesh well and that you are toxic for each other. There are big incompatibilities.

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

So WHY are you still allowing this parasite to live on your property?

Because most time, it doesn’t feel like he’s being a “parasite” as I’ve said, he does help around the house with things. Household items, food, he makes sure my car has gas in it, etc..but I guess that’s the least he could do right? Because even then, it still doesn’t seem like a fair exchange considering I still do all those thing as well plus the bills....

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25 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Yes. But I feel as though any rational adult would give that question some thought when caught off guard? Maybe not. And yes I wanted to just said yes but whole heartedly, I couldn’t, knowing that it wouldn’t be 100% true.

No not necessarily.  Because after two years if you want to marry someone or make a forever type commitment you know. So I see it wasn’t a formal proposal but if you wanted to be with him the response other than YES may have been “explain- you mean marriage ?” In case you were confused.  So - no - I don’t think an adult in a romantic relationship for two years and serious and in love would need to give it much thought despite being caught off guard. 

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Get over this 'guilt'.. and fast!

You just tell him, enough, you cannot 'live' this way & he needs to find someplace else to sleep!  A friends couch? Love back home?  something other than at YOUR place.

You have a child to deal with and you tell him this will NOT continue on any more.

He IS a grown man.. he can learn to find his own way!

You should feel no guilt here... I'm sure he had a life before you came along, right?

You cannot 'solve' his problems.. especially if you are enabling them.  

So, get up, get real and get him out of there.

Agreed!! I just need help man.

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4 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

he does help around the house with things. Household items, food, he makes sure my car has gas in it, etc

I am beginning to worry about you, OP! Will you PLEASE stop making excuses for him.  And please stop arguing with yourself inside your head!  What you've got there is a "kept man". Where is the dignity? 

I want to hear you say that you are taking measures NOW to get him off your property.  You do realise that you cannot go on like this.  

So you need help getting rid of him. Well, go and get that help if he hasn't got the dignity to leave when asked. You are going to have to get help to put him out, you do realise that don't you.  

Edited by LaHermes
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5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Stop "trying" to end things.

You just end them. That's it. You know what's right for you. You have to acknowledge what's happening and leave this.

For how long do you want to keep on playing the victim? "I see the good in blabla" that doesn't make you any better. You expected this relationship to be the one, and in so many aspects, it's not. And that's okay. You need to accept that he's just not the one for you. That together you don't mesh well and that you are toxic for each other. There are big incompatibilities.

I literally just told him this whole situation is TOXIC!! I’ve done more wrong than him in this relationship and he really holds things over my head. So I feel bad for trying to leave because he always makes it seem like it’s my fault that things are the way they are so why am I trying to end things??

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5 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Agreed!! I just need help

Do you have some support?  your parents? a friend?

write out what you want to say.... you sit down one day (mentally prepared) and just be serious with him.

No beating around the bush anymore.

You be real and then be done.  He cannot 'stay' there anymore... You are done.. right?

He can't be that stupid.. or just avoiding/denying?

 

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5 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

So I feel bad for trying to leave because he always makes it seem like it’s my fault that things are the way they are so why am I trying to end things??

Here we go again!  Is there some way on this earth, OP, that I can stop you from saying this over and over. L.

He is manipulating you because he has a sweet deal, living off a woman!  He really has done a number on you. 

Will you please, please, get help and get him out.  No discussion. 

I would advise against any conversation with him OP, because he will box you yet again into a corner. This will have to be done rough and ready.

SS says:

"He can't be that stupid.. or just avoiding/denying?"

Of course he isn't stupid. He's clever like a rat. Good accommodation, kept by a woman, comfort, why would he leave and go out into the harsh world where he might have to work and pay for his own upkeep. 

Edited by LaHermes
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4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I am beginning to worry about you, OP! Will you PLEASE stop making excuses for him.  And please stop arguing with yourself inside your head!  What you've got there is a "kept man". Where is the dignity? 

I want to hear you say that you are taking measures NOW to get him off your property.  You do realise that you cannot go on like this.  

So you need help getting rid of him. Well, go and get that help if he hasn't got the dignity to leave when asked. You are going to have to get help to put him out, you do realise that don't you.  

Im honestly not trying to make excuses because I definitely see the problem here. I just didn’t want you guys to think he doesn’t help out AT ALL because he does.

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3 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I literally just told him this whole situation is TOXIC!! 

You realize you don't need his endorsement to end it, yes? 

It seems you're hoping he will finally agree so you can walk away guilt-free, but that's not going to happen. You have to find your own backbone. 

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4 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I literally just told him this whole situation is TOXIC!! I’ve done more wrong than him in this relationship and he really holds things over my head. So I feel bad for trying to leave because he always makes it seem like it’s my fault that things are the way they are so why am I trying to end things??

You're right - it is!

He's been turning this around onto you?  wow.. so is all about the 'guilt'.. another wrong on HIM.

Fact is.. You two are NOT compatible, no matter who has done more wrongs here!

 

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@MonaLisa95 it's his part of the relationship to help. He isn't doing anything extraordinary.

A real man who loves you would have bought a ring and arranged some lovely dinner/outing where he would propose to you. Not ask such question while watching TV!!!

I know it's hard to leave. Read my post. I was stuck in a relationship of 6 years and I was very miserable. But now months later I'm so free and happy.

Perhaps you learned this toxic pattern from your parents whereby they are in a bad/loveless relationship and instead of accepting it, being honest with themselves, stopping the hurt and parting ways... They stay miserable for their own selfish reasons. You need to break the cycle my friend.

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6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You have to find your own backbone. 

Exactly. 

And this is more than just a "problem" OP. This is a serious matter. You have an individual living on your property and my reading is that basically you are scared to actually put him out the door. Have you no family, relatives, friends to come around and support you in this eviction endeavour?

This is not a real man. He is pathetic.  

Edited by LaHermes
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5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

seems you're hoping he will finally agree so you can walk away guilt-free, but that's not going to happen. You have to find your own b

Maybe so....I honestly don’t know. I just feel like anytime I try to end things he’ll just bring up everything I did and tell me that it’s my fault that things are bad so why try to end it

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3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Perhaps you learned this toxic pattern from your parents whereby they are in a bad/loveless relationship and instead of accepting it, being honest with themselves, stopping t

Honestly, I know everything I’ve said here, but I don’t feel that this is a loveless relationship. I don’t doubt that he loves me but that’s really not the issue here. I just can’t help but be jaded about everything.

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3 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Maybe so....I honestly don’t know. I just feel like anytime I try to end things he’ll just bring up everything I did and tell me that it’s my fault that things are bad so why try to end it

Yeah it is the guilt crap... But you don't take this from him!

You need to stand tall and don't accept any of this from him.

You have a life to live & a child to care for.. you owe him nothing!

tell him he's got one month to find a place... and you're done with it all.

( I asked, if you have support - family/friend to assist?).

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6 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I just feel like anytime I try to end things he’ll just bring up everything I did and tell me that it’s my fault that things are bad so why try to end it

There you go again, ML! Stop talking about "trying" and just do it.  Do not engage with him, do not talk to him, do not listen to him. Get him out the door. What could be simpler. And get help doing it. 

He doesn't love you OP. Get that idea out of your head.  He is using you, big time. 

Do NOT, repeat not, give him a month's notice. You need him out now, as otherwise he will weasel his way to guilting you again. 

Edited by LaHermes
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You hurt his feelings.

A lot of people would be hurt and offended if their partner responded the way you did.

If he was swearing or being verbally abusive that would be a different story. There was none of that here. 

If you are not in it for the long term why bother and waste time?

 

Edited by mical
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3 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

just feel like anytime I try to end things he’ll just bring up everything I did and tell me that it’s my fault that things are bad so why try to end it

Yup. Next time, tell him "yes. It's my fault. That's why this is over".

And ask a friend of yours to come sleep over until he leaves within the shortest notice (1 week). You are fragile. You need help. Ask friends and family for support because he can easily manipulate you out of any situation. You don't know who you are anymore- and that's okay (happened to me too). That's why you need friends. He sleeps on the couch same day of breaking up. A friend stays with you same day until he leaves and insures you don't go back on your decision. How about that?

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14 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I would advise against any conversation with him OP, because he will box you yet again into a corner.

Agree. Keep in mind an abuser only feels good when you feel bad. That's what it's all about in their minds.

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I wonder if he wants out so that's why he freaked out at your hesitation to his question.  

If you fight that much then why do you carry on with this relationship?  I'd be gone.

I can truthfully say my husband and I have had one argument in the over 30 yrs we have been married.  I dont get people who argue and fight regularly who stay together and keep doing the same thing.

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