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My bf asked a very serious question and...


MonaLisa95
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So my boyfriend and I were just chilling and watching movies. All of a sudden he asks “hey, do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” He really caught me off guard, so I sort of paused after the question. Also, I didn’t want to answer a question that serious right off the bat. We’ve been together for two years so Yes, I’ve given it some thought before but he and I have been through some tough situations and we argue and fight over the smallest things sometimes and it happens pretty often. So naturally, I wanted to think about all the variables before giving him an answer. But before I could respond, he yells “NEVERMIND!” and storms out of the room. He slept in a separate room and hasn’t said anything else to me since last night. I’m just wondering and I wrong in this situation for trying to give a question that serious some thought?? The way I look at it, even if I would have said “no I don’t want to” how can you get angry about how someone feels? They have no control over that. Just need some advice guys.....

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Some more context might help. Jumping up and yelling nevermind makes him sound like a small child. Were you both arguing about anything in particular lately, something specific? If so, what are the disagreements about? 

It seems like he just knows how to push your buttons. If he knows that marriage is one of your goals, it's easy to take advantage of that and toy with you. 

My advice is not to get worked up over his antics. Decide for yourself if you'd like to be with this man based on who he is.

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You are STILL with this individual you posted about in June! You were given good advice then on that particular issue.

7 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

we argue and fight over the smallest things sometimes and it happens pretty often.

There is no basis here for any kind of a relationship.  WHY would you even consider spending the rest of your life with someone like this?

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5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Some more context might help. Jumping up and yelling nevermind makes him sound like a small child. Were you both arguing about anything in particular lately, something specific? If so, what are the disagreements about? 

It

Lately, we’ve been okay. There hasn’t been anything that has set us off. But anytime we do argue, everything from the past comes up and it’s just a big blow up. And I’m honestly tired of it. So of course, I’m not just gonna tell you “yes! I wanna be with you until I die!” because that would be a lie, with the way things are going.

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13 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

All of a sudden he asks “hey, do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” He really caught me off guard, so I sort of paused after the question. Also, I didn’t want to answer a question that serious right off the bat. We’ve been together for two years so Yes, I’ve given it some thought before but he and I have been through some tough situations and we argue and fight over the smallest things sometimes and it happens pretty often. So naturally, I wanted to think about all the variables before giving him an answer. But before I could respond, he yells “NEVERMIND!” and storms out of the room. He slept in a separate room and hasn’t said anything else to me since last night.

IMO, if you had to think on this, it says enough.. you think?

My ex did this to me as well.... Mentioned if I was willing to Marry him.. I just said yeah, to shup him up!  ... I was out within 6 mos later.

With all of your rough times and him going there like he did.. with a sudden response of 'Nevermind', shows you where his head's at.  He is insecure now, and I feel he is also a bit unsure - knowing all of your arguing 😕 .

Is it just time to admit things are not working out?

 

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Same guy that you found cheating messages on his phone? Yes, prime marriage candidate lol

12 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

The way I look at it, even if I would have said “no I don’t want to” how can you get angry about how someone feels?

Well he would have the basis to break up because if his ultimate goal is to marry you and you dont want that, what is the point? However storming is just bad character. As I said, prime marriage candidate lol

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5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You are STILL with this individual you posted about in June! You were given good advice then on that particular issue.

14 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Yes! I know! Part of me feels guilty for the things I’ve done as well. I’ve been no angel and neither has he but I’ve had more wrongs that he has in this relationship so I know that plays a key role in why I’ve stayed.

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15 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I have been through some tough situations and we argue and fight over the smallest things sometimes and it happens pretty often. 

Given his history of cheating and abuse this was just another trick to start a fight. It was not a serious question.

If he were "serious" he would not ask this way, he would want to get engaged.

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3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

IMO, if you had to think on this, it says enough.. you think?

My ex did this to me as well.... Mentioned if I was willing to Marry him.. I just said yeah, to shup him up!  ... I was out within 6 mos later.

With all of your rough times and him going there like he did.. with a sudden response of 'Nevermind', shows you where his head's at.  He is insecure now, and I feel he is also a bit unsure - knowing all of your arguing 😕 .

Is it just time to admit things are not working out?

 

Yes. But I feel as though any rational adult would give that question some thought when caught off guard? Maybe not. And yes I wanted to just said yes but whole heartedly, I couldn’t, knowing that it wouldn’t be 100% true.

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Just now, MonaLisa95 said:

but I’ve had more wrongs that he has in this relationship so I know that plays a key role in why I’ve stayed.

That makes absolutely no sense, ML, and you know it. 

17 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I wanted to think about all the variables before giving him an answer.

I cannot even imagine why you would have anything to think over.  

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2 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

And yes I wanted to just said yes but whole heartedly, I couldn’t, knowing that it wouldn’t be 100% true.

Right.  Inside you know things with him are no good.

Why keep this ongoing?

be honest & speak up.

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Why keep this ongoing?

be honest & speak up.

Honestly, I’ve tried! Like I stated, I’ve been no angel and I know part of me just feels guilty about that. But I’ve told him I wanted to end things and go separate ways. He won’t accept that. 

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2 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

But I feel as though any rational adult would give that question some thought when caught off guard?

If the relationship were solid and they'd been together two years? No, they probably wouldn't really need to give it much thought anymore. They'd already know the answer. 

5 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

I’ve had more wrongs that he has in this relationship so I know that plays a key role in why I’ve stayed.

If I may be blunt: this is a really screwy reason to stay in a relationship. 

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He will HAVE to accept it, ML.  Whether he likes it or not. The property is yours!

Remember this (only a few months ago!):

"but I still pay all the bills. Rent, lights, WiFi, security, insurance, & my son’s daycare. And he has a job! So that makes me even more bitter about him being here. I planned to let him stay here rent free for a couple of months so that he could save. But here we are several months later and he hasn’t even offered to pay the WiFi bill at the very least, which is $60 a month. I should not have to tell a fully grown man to help out where he sleeps. He will buy food or household items but I still do that as well so it’s not like he’s alleviating those thing for me. I’m just torn! Some days I enjoy him, other days I just want my apartment back. And I feel sort of bad about it because I don’t know how to bring it up to him without him taking offense and thinking I just want him out..."

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

If I may be blunt: this is a really screwy reason to stay in a relationship. 

Oh, believe me! I agree 100%! It’s like anytime I try to end things, he says something like “oh now you want to end things, when you’re he one who’s done xyz?!?” And I just give in, I guess. Sadly.

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7 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Lately, we’ve been okay. There hasn’t been anything that has set us off. 

What? Lately you've been ok? 

he stormed off, slept in another room and hasn't talked to you since. 

While talking about marriage.... how romantic. 

From what you write, this sounds like a very immature relationship.

And I would not marry him until you both learn how to communicate. 

Anger gets either person no where. 

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5 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

And I just give in, I guess. Sadly.

Why are you so scared of him ML?. You let him in "for a month" and he is still there, on YOUR property. 

There is no "trying to end things" here. Just do it!  Get him out.  And get help doing so if necessary, if he refuses to go. Do not enter into conversation with him, where he can manipulate you and play mind games.

Get help and get rid of him now.   You are keeping a freeloader, and the serious question here is why are you allowing this to happen? Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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6 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Honestly, I’ve tried! Like I stated, I’ve been no angel and I know part of me just feels guilty about that. But I’ve told him I wanted to end things and go separate ways. He won’t accept that. 

He has NO control of this.  Is up to YOU to act on it!

Fact is, this relationship is not successful or benefitting either of you, right?

Then why remain where you are not truly 'happy'? Instead of where is possibly draining you 😕 .

Then get out of it... accept, heal & you can both move on with your lives.

Never lead someone on when you're really not into it.

 

 

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4 minutes ago, MonaLisa95 said:

Oh, believe me! I agree 100%! It’s like anytime I try to end things, he says something like “oh now you want to end things, when you’re he one who’s done xyz?!?” And I just give in, I guess. Sadly.

Serious question, but why do you suppose that is?

Are you afraid to be single? 

Edited by MissCanuck
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10 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I should not have to tell a fully grown man to help out where he sleeps. He will buy food or household items but I still do that as well so it’s not like he’s alleviating those thing for me. I’m just torn! Some days I enjoy him, other days I just want my apartment back. And I feel sort of bad about it because I don’t know how to bring it up to him without him taking offense and thinking I just want him out..."

Ahh yeah - I would want him out!  Leech 😕 (with an attitude).

 

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7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Then why remain where you are not truly 'happy'? Instead of where is possibly draining you 😕 .

Then get out of it... accept, heal & you can both move on with your lives.

Never lead someone on when you're really not into it.

 

I guess part of me always tries to look at the good parts of the relationship. Even when I try to end things, I just try to find the positives, which there are some. But we just always end up fighting about one thing or another.

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7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Serious question, but why do you suppose that is?

Are you afraid to be single? 

Guilt, I’m assuming. I’ve never been in this type of situation before. I’m usually very strong minded and no-nonsense when dealing with guys. I’m definitely not afraid of being single. Like I said, I’ve tried ending things multiple times. But the guilt trips always start...

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I honestly do not understand you,OP. You said this a few months ago. Do you realise at all how crazy that sounds to an outsider? If he had any dignity whatsoever, any basic sense of decency, he would have gone himself long ago.  Why on earth would you be drawn to this type of individual. 

"But it would have been a homeless shelter or living in his car. I’m a single parent with a three bedroom apartment. My son is gone every other week, so I had the space and he knew it. And I would have felt really bad if I didn’t allow him to at least stay for a month. I know this might be a form of manipulation"

And as someone asked you before. How could you love a parasite? 

He is an adult man. What is there to be guilty about?  And where is YOUR self-respect, OP?  He'll manage, never fear, by hustling and very likely finding some other woman needy enough to want to keep him. 

Edited by LaHermes
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15 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

He will HAVE to accept it, ML.  Whether he likes it or not. The property is yours!

Remember this (only a few months ago!):

"but I still pay all the bills. Rent, lights, WiFi, security, insurance, & my son’s daycare. And he has a job! So that makes me even more bitter about him being here. I planned to let him stay here rent free for a couple of months so that he could save. But here we are several months later and he hasn’t even offered to pay the WiFi bill at the very least, which is $60 a month. I should not have to tell a fully grown man to help out where he sleeps. He will buy food or household items but I still do that as well so it’s not like he’s alleviating those thing for me. I’m just torn! Some days I enjoy him, other days I just want my apartment back. And I feel sort of bad about it because I don’t know how to bring it up to him without him taking offense and thinking I just want him out..."

And nothing’s changed! It’s the same exact way right now. 

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