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You only realizw the importance of someone when they’re gone


makavelii
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Hello everybody.

Lets begin by saying that last 3 weeks were happiest but also saddest in my life. 

Everything started when I met this girl at the party, we chated on instagram before and had an opportunity to meet up. At that party we vibed a lot and she told me that really she likes me. I said the same and we basically were extremely  happy for the rest of the party which ended in 3 days. The problem was that she had a boyfriend and their relationship wasn’t that good. We decided to meet next day and talk sober. 

The next day I woke up and thought about it a lot and realized that what she was doing wasn’t right and againts my ideals ( when I think about it now, *** ideals). When we met I talked a lot about how it was not right what we were doing and pushed her a lot (which I regret now). She seemed really genuine but I refused to listen. After that day I talked a lot with many different people and started really regreting my words. I am not sure if it happened to any of you, but over time when I was thinking about her I started to miss her. Shen was that one perfect girl but I was too stupid to notice and now I think about her all day everyday. I occupied myself with many different activities but It’s not helping. 

After a week or so I couldn’t stand it and called her. I was going to say that I really liked her and wanted to ask her out on a date. When we started talking she mentioned that after our talk she went to her boyfriend to brake up, but they both got really emotional and they restarted their relationship. After those words my heart droped and I ended up wishing her good luck and saying goodbyes. Since that day I’m feeling extremely depressed ( started drinking more, but stoped now ). I basically can’t look at other girls anymore because they don’t look good enough. This feeling has been folowing me for weeks even until now.

Few days ago, I got invited to this birthday party and I found out that she is attending it too. When I found I got really mixed emotions. No matter how hard I don’t want to go and forget her, somehow I can’t fight my heart which wants to see her on every possible opportunity. I’m extremely lost and still fighting depression which might get even stronger after that party. If she comes with boyfriend it will be even harder, I’m afraid that I might get aggressive and say too much. 

Also recently she told me that she found a job in different country and is soon leaving. 

What should I do? Should I ignore her? confess to her? Maybe not even go. It’s really hard to think and decide at this state. I will probably get drunk there and leave deppresed but I still want to know what you think. Thanks❤️.

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I know it doesnt look like it right now, but you did the right choice. Those kind of girls (in a bad relationships or even fresh out of ones) have a tendency to go back to those kind of relationships. Or even to seek equivalent to those. So unless you wanted just something physical, dont think you had a very bright future there. She would be back to that guy or just wouldnt leave him at all. You are maybe wondering if she would leave if she had you as a backup. I dont really think it would of make much difference. And that you did the right choice by not pursuing that kind of girl. You are infatuated by her so its hard, but trust me, your choice is good.

I would be more worried about this

43 minutes ago, makavelii said:

I’m extremely lost and still fighting depression

And that you going to parties and getting drunk because of some girl wont help you with it. Would still go and found some other girl to occupy your attention. Its a party so its bound to be some nice single girls there. But if you think you cant do it and it would lead to what you said, just dont go. 

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Don't go to the party if you're twisted up and at extremes. It's no good for anyone, most of all you.

You seem young, no restraint despite your feelings for her and down about a situation you can't change. Having a crush on someone is fine but acting out on it is something else. Start taking more control of your actions but be more kind with your emotions and what you feel. This does not mean pressure anyone or be forceful where inappropriate. Being kind to yourself is only that - acknowledge what you feel and simply be at peace feeling it (but not putting anything into action). 

She is leaving the country soon and still in a relationship so this goes nowhere. I don't recommend keeping in touch. Control your drinking or seek help with alcohol if you keep reaching for the bottle to drown out your emotions. It is not a good coping mechanism and you'll find it hard to find or keep a responsible partner that way. 

 

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56 minutes ago, makavelii said:

againts my ideals ( when I think about it now, *** ideals)

Nope..you were absolutely right on sticking to your standards. She would have been cheating on her boyfriend.

You don't want a girl who is willing to behave like that.

Because if she cheats on him, she would cheat on you. Make no mistake about it.

Also, if she cared about you as much as you did about her, and felt as strong as a connection, she would have ended it with her boyfriend and dated you.

This obviously didn't happen.

She's not the one.

She's also not perfect. Human, like everyone else. She has flaws like everyone else. You barely knew her, so you didn't have time to see all sides of her. Like when she's angry, sick, annoyed, impatient, enraged, etc.

She was practically a stranger.

You need to get your drinking under control.

No decent woman will want to date an alcoholic.

Once you are in a better head space, try dating again with someone who is single and is looking for the same things as you are.

But for now, your focus should be getting help with your drinking and depression.

You're no good to anyone, not even to yourself if you're messed up like that.

Please, contact mental health, a counsellor, or whatever services you have available in your area, and speak to someone.

Edited by SherrySher
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1 hour ago, makavelii said:

What should I do? Should I ignore her?

Go to the party, stay sober, look good, talk to a lot of women there and enjoy yourself.

This is not a quality women. Steer clear. Just be polite but generally ignore her.

Delete and block her from all your messaging apps and social media.

Get on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting some women for coffee.

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3 hours ago, makavelii said:

Shen was that one perfect girl but I was too stupid to notice and now I think about her all day everyday.

You have no idea if she's that 'perfect'!  you only just met her... It's infatuation... a good thrill.

3 hours ago, makavelii said:

No matter how hard I don’t want to go and forget her, somehow I can’t fight my heart which wants to see her on every possible opportunity. I’m extremely lost and still fighting depression which might get even stronger after that party. If she comes with boyfriend it will be even harder, I’m afraid that I might get aggressive and say too much. 

No, you do not confess anything!  I think she is aware enough!

You back off totally and leave her be.  She is involved.

If your depression is a real issue, then how about seeking some prof help now?  Drinking won;t help that 😕 .

Avoid triggers.

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You are way too over-attached to the idea of this girl, OP. 

You barely know her. And what you do know is not great - she is the type of girl with no boundaries, no strong sense of morals, no care for others' feelings. Bad news. Your ideals are there for a reason, and they're to help you avoid people like her. It would be naive to think that she would make a good girlfriend. 

I think all of this actually says more about you than her, when it comes down to it: you have placed all your hopes on a girl you hardly know, and are falling apart because this virtual stranger has opted out. Your emotional state is disproportionately disrupted, all for some chick you've known 21 days. 

You need to get to the bottom of that, and forget this girl. She is but a tumbleweed on your life's path. 

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go to the party, stay sober, look good, talk to a lot of women there and enjoy yourself.

This is not a quality women. Steer clear. Just be polite but generally ignore her.

Delete and block her from all your messaging apps and social media.

Get on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting some women for coffee.

I get what you’re trying to say but after meeting her I just can’t look at other girls, they all don’t look good enough. I wouldn’t call myself outgoing but I’m usually pretty succesful at these things. 

Imagen having your brains try to forget her and ignore her, but your heart lives with hope on seeing her again. Also we still chat from time to time about random things which is killing me BUT simply blocking her doesnt seem right. 

Maybe if I look and act even better at this next party she will come to me again. It might sound weak but it is what it is.

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I know it doesnt look like it right now, but you did the right choice. Those kind of girls (in a bad relationships or even fresh out of ones) have a tendency to go back to those kind of relationships. Or even to seek equivalent to those. So unless you wanted just something physical, dont think you had a very bright future there. She would be back to that guy or just wouldnt leave him at all. You are maybe wondering if she would leave if she had you as a backup. I dont really think it would of make much difference. And that you did the right choice by not pursuing that kind of girl. You are infatuated by her so its hard, but trust me, your choice is good.

I would be more worried about this

And that you going to parties and getting drunk because of some girl wont help you with it. Would still go and found some other girl to occupy your attention. Its a party so its bound to be some nice single girls there. But if you think you cant do it and it would lead to what you said, just dont go. 

What I found out about her when we met up after is that she isn’t unloyal, just lost. She is 19, I’m 22 and basically what I think is that she is confussed. Her current boyfriend is 25 and at least for me looks like a bum. BUT they’ve been together for almost 2 years and its her first real boyfriend. I think that she simply can’t leave her comfort zone. By all means she is a good person but with problems like all of us.

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3 minutes ago, makavelii said:

Maybe if I look and act even better at this next party she will come to me again.

Are you hoping she cheats on her boyfriend with you?

It's puzzling why you're so enthralled with a young woman you only met once. What's going on in your life that you're trying to escape from or distract yourself? 

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42 minutes ago, makavelii said:

What I found out about her when we met up after is that she isn’t unloyal, just lost. She is 19, I’m 22 and basically what I think is that she is confussed. Her current boyfriend is 25 and at least for me looks like a bum. BUT they’ve been together for almost 2 years and its her first real boyfriend. I think that she simply can’t leave her comfort zone. By all means she is a good person but with problems like all of us.

Look, you are still young, but you will have to learn something about people. Lots of people will "sell" you BS that you will have to learn to see through. She is a good person and isnt unloyal, yet she wants to cheat her boyfriend with you. Her boyfriend is a bum, and yet she is still with him and continues to do so. What does that tell you about her? What she sold you is a classic "I am in an unhappy relationship and will just about to leave him" story. Where she is the victim and you will be the one to offer her love and protect her from big bad boyfriend and her troubles. In reality none of that may be true. In reality she maybe just wanted to cheat her boyfriend without ever leaving him. And her relationship may not even be that bad. Your initial instics, no matter how much you hate them, were 100% right in this case. You shouldnt trust that girl at all. So just move away from her. 

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Dude she's not "The one". She was on a rebound, ....she meets you at a party because she was feeling undesired and was looking for attention/ego boost. That's all it was. You are just infatuated and it's blinding you. All this is just a manufactured fantasy of your imagination. You sound a little lonely so I can see how you would get so caught up in this. Professing your desire for her will not have her fall into your arms. You will be left looking like a fool. Sorry you are going though such a confusing time. You are best to break away from attending any party she will be at. She's going to be out of the picture soon enough.

Edited by smackie9
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I get that she's very attractive (not just physically), that she honestly might be nice and confused and therefore you're very drawn to her.

However, she's stringing you along emotionally whilst in a relationship. It's not fair to you or her boyfriend. She's pulling this stuff now, she could do it again in the future. That's not okay.

Whilst I believe in closure, e.g. telling someone privately how you feel if it will help you heal and move forward, I'm afraid that in this case it might make things even messier since she's in a relationship.

As for the party, should you go, you might want to bring a trusted friend along for support.

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3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Dude she's not "The one". She was on a rebound, ....she meets you at a party because she was feeling undesired and was looking for attention/ego boost. That's all it was. You are just infatuated and it's blinding you. All this is just a manufactured fantasy of your imagination. You sound a little lonely so I can see how you would get so caught up in this. Professing your desire for her will not have her fall into your arms. You will be left looking like a fool. Sorry you are going though such a confusing time. You are best to break away from attending any party she will be at. She's going to be out of the picture soon enough.

Yea I feel like being used as a rebound and that sucks man I’m really ***ed up. We talked today and she’s fine now with her bf ( I assume ) they are going away together so thats that. She is chating with me like old days and like nothing have ever happend. Also she told me thet she will be in my city with few friends and I should join party with them.   After todays chat I think that I lost all hope which was keeping me going. Simple thing would be blocking her and leaving it like that but I know that I won’t do it and we will keep chating on occassions which will be killing me. I really liked every comment but I can’t explain what I’m thinking and I’m not sure what to do. I will take my time but at this state I can’t go back to my old life. I think I will meet her at those parties so I could get everything off my chest and finish it. I regret sticking to my ideals because we might have been together if not that and now I only got regrets and wishes that she will dissapear and I will forget her.  

 

22 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Look, you are still young, but you will have to learn something about people. Lots of people will "sell" you BS that you will have to learn to see through. She is a good person and isnt unloyal, yet she wants to cheat her boyfriend with you. Her boyfriend is a bum, and yet she is still with him and continues to do so. What does that tell you about her? What she sold you is a classic "I am in an unhappy relationship and will just about to leave him" story. Where she is the victim and you will be the one to offer her love and protect her from big bad boyfriend and her troubles. In reality none of that may be true. In reality she maybe just wanted to cheat her boyfriend without ever leaving him. And her relationship may not even be that bad. Your initial instics, no matter how much you hate them, were 100% right in this case. You shouldnt trust that girl at all. So just move away from her. 

I think that she is in her confort zone, first love and all that. She did try to brake up with him but gave him another chance. She liked me and I likes her but I could have done more because I was fighting inside. Only after everything I realized that if she wasn’t happy with her bf and we were really happy together why not look where it takes us. Well I was too late and I remember my last words being “ I just want you to be happy “ when she told me that they are trying again. I didn’t mean in and I wanted to say different things but I had no balls I guess. It is what it is. 3 incoming weeks will be hard.

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37 minutes ago, makavelii said:

I can’t go back to my old life.

What's so bad about your "old life" that is causing you to fixate on this young woman who has a boyfriend and who views you as a friend and a source of attention? 

What "crazy" things are you planning on doing?

Edited by boltnrun
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Just learn from this experience. And, don’t beat yourself up too much.  Sometimes we just fall for the wrong person.  Can’t help it, create/imagine/fixate on a relationship that is unrequited.  It can be just a chemical thing - you simply become attracted to someone without the right reasons.

You might want to look up the term “limerence” as I believe it applies to this situation. There is noting wrong with what you did.  This woman strung you along.  Perhaps you are the type of person who would never string someone along?  I think if you are, you just don’t know how to read the signs of a player/person like this. The woman is a cheater and this likely isn’t her first go.  She loves the attention of having multiple men show interest in her, which is fine except the cheating part. She is a real piece of work and whoever said this above is right.  She will cheat again.  She has no morals.

 

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