Devastated after confronting wife for cheating

[Namrepus5000]

5 years together, 4 years married, 2 daughters. Lots of issues along the way, never an easy ride. We are 100% incompatible, but our daughters and physical chemistry kept us together. We had been talking about divorce for a while but our apt lease is up for renewal and she asked if I wanted to stay and renew it. I thought it would be a great opportunity to try counseling (again). We both admitted to have feelings for each other.

Last Saturday she returned from a work trip, very tired and slept the whole day. Didn't even say hello to our girls. She also did not communicate the night before and I found it suspicious. Today I checked her phone and found concrete evidence that she met a guy there and they partied. Lots of "you look beautiful, you're so handsome and can't wait to see you again" messages. 

I flipped out, confronted her and she kept denying cheating. I was flabbergasted to see her attitude, not an ounce of shame or guilt. On the other hand, I am shaking. 

I just emailed my lawyer to make the filing asap. I'm devastated. Can look at my girls without wanting to cry, while their mom just walks around with a deadpan face. 

My job is remote, so I'm 100% of the time at home, I also take care of the girls 90% of the time while she's out in the office. I have no idea how I'm going to tolerate the time between now and the day I can finally move out. Leaving is not an option since it would jeopardize my time with the girls. I feel like I'm going nuts, my job is demanding and the girls need attention and care. I don't know how I'm going to cope having to see her face for many weeks until the legal side is done and I arrange a place to leave. 

Can anyone advice please?

 

 

[MissCanuck]

I'm very sorry, OP. 

It sounds like you finally got the irrefutable proof that your marriage is indeed over. I can see why you're extremely hurt, and your wife is an ass. You have done the right thing by finally moving towards divorce. 

For now, keep to your separate quarters at home as much as possible. Is there at least another place you can sleep, if you can't leave the home right now? I would not advise sharing a bed with her. Maybe you could spend a weekend with a close friend or family member, just to get some breathing space? Take your girls out for a bit, or even take them for a Daddy-Daughter weekend somewhere so you can away from your wife without raising their concern just yet? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Namrepus5000 said:

. I have no idea how I'm going to tolerate the time between now and the day I can finally move out. Leaving is not an option since it would jeopardize my time with the girls

Sorry this happened. You both know the marriage has been over for a long time and you have were just together for convenience.

Make sure you get a good arrangement for custody/visitation and child support.

Even though you must hate her by now, you'll have to find a way to co-parent for the sake of your kids.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but she looks at your marriage as a convinience. I think its very telling she asked about appartment lease and if you wanted to stay for that. She is an opportunist. That took advantage how you took care of kids while she could go to company trips over weekend and do whatever she wants. Hence why there is no shame about what she did, because in her head she see you as a roomate/nanny that she doesnt have to pay. And not as a husband. In a situations like that, its good that you moved on to divorce. It sucks right now, and its not good for kids, but you will be happier away from that person. 

[Namrepus5000]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm very sorry, OP. 

It sounds like you finally got the irrefutable proof that your marriage is indeed over. I can see why you're extremely hurt, and your wife is an ass. You have done the right thing by finally moving towards divorce. 

For now, keep to your separate quarters at home as much as possible. Is there at least another place you can sleep, if you can't leave the home right now? I would not advise sharing a bed with her. Maybe you could spend a weekend with a close friend or family member, just to get some breathing space? Take your girls out for a bit, or even take them for a Daddy-Daughter weekend somewhere so you can away from your wife without raising their concern just yet? 

Yes there is another room I'm sleeping in. I'm planning to take the girls to my parents house for the weekend. I have a call with the lawyer today. 

Thank you for your feedback.

[Namrepus5000]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You both know the marriage has been over for a long time and you have were just together for convenience.

Make sure you get a good arrangement for custody/visitation and child support.

Even though you must hate her by now, you'll have to find a way to co-parent for the sake of your kids.

Yes, this will be a learning process. Thank you for your message. 

[Namrepus5000]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but she looks at your marriage as a convinience. I think its very telling she asked about appartment lease and if you wanted to stay for that. She is an opportunist. That took advantage how you took care of kids while she could go to company trips over weekend and do whatever she wants. Hence why there is no shame about what she did, because in her head she see you as a roomate/nanny that she doesnt have to pay. And not as a husband. In a situations like that, its good that you moved on to divorce. It sucks right now, and its not good for kids, but you will be happier away from that person. 

I would have preferred if she asked me to be a roommate and stay separated. Our sex life was still active despite our issues. 2 days ago, before I found out, she told me that she loved me and missed me, we had drinks in the kitchen which led us to having sex. Which only makes me feel more disgusted and devastated. 

 

 

[SooSad33]

Is hard, I know .. it stings! 😕 .

Deep breathes... one day at a time.

Turn your focus on your kids.. be there with them ❤️ .

It will take time to absorb all of this, but inside, you knew things weren't right anymore... yes?

You said you knew you two were NOT compatible..

And as for the physical aspect ( the sex), that's the easy part.. anyone can have sex w/out an issue or real 'feelings'.

So, one day at a time.

I suggest YOU consider getting a 2 bdrm and consider keeping the kids with you.  Why should she have the rights, when it is HER who's been dishonest and she is never there for them?

So... again.. deep breathes... do not lay into her too much now.. You need to gain some self control and self composure.. All your anger venting will not help anything.. Get outside the home.. get some air ( you have your parents & friends?). Find other ways to 'vent', journal all you feel you need to say, work out, etc.

This needs to go a day at a time.... I know it hurts. Been there a cpl times.. I got through it. 😉 .

 

[abitbroken]

If there is a silver lining - you don't own a home together. There is no "don't leave, because you will lose the house" thing. You will both lose the apartment at the end of the lease.  I still would not leave to keep the kids routines the same for now until you establish everything.   You don't want to go live with a friend and make it easy for her to get 100% physical custody.  Set up custody groundrules about the kids not being able to stay with a boyfriend, etc, though.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Namrepus5000 said:

I would have preferred if she asked me to be a roommate and stay separated. Our sex life was still active despite our issues. 2 days ago, before I found out, she told me that she loved me and missed me, we had drinks in the kitchen which led us to having sex. Which only makes me feel more disgusted and devastated. 

It's a lot going on. Keep your head straight and yourself grounded with your kids and work. Do not turn to booze or drugs or self-medicate or keep having sex with her. See doctor if you are in absolute agony and need feedback about a better way to go about things. Seek individual counselling also if you feel this will help. It will hurt for awhile so give yourself some time to sort things out. Continue discussing issues with your lawyer, not your spouse.

 

[Namrepus5000]

4 hours ago, abitbroken said:

If there is a silver lining - you don't own a home together. There is no "don't leave, because you will lose the house" thing. You will both lose the apartment at the end of the lease.  I still would not leave to keep the kids routines the same for now until you establish everything.   You don't want to go live with a friend and make it easy for her to get 100% physical custody.  Set up custody groundrules about the kids not being able to stay with a boyfriend, etc, though.

You're absolutely right, thank god we did not buy a property. I'm staying home until the parental time sharing and responsibility is signed. I will mention that to boyfriend item to my lawyer, thank you for your feedback. 

[tattoobunnie]

My post has old info...not relevant.

[smackie9]

Don't up root the girls, kick your wife out. It would be way easier for her to leave, and have her pay some of the child support. You already are at home and take care of your daughters 90% of the time. Seems like a fair arrangement, and would take some of that worry of exposing them to her new BFs. Fight for your girls.

[Coily]

You have my sympathies OP.

On the path towards divorce document everything, and I do mean everything. If it pertains to your kids especially! Send these things regularly to your attorney, maybe weekly even. Also be very honest in this process, you may not look like a saint all the time but it should prove to the court your transparency.

This is more a fight for the future of your daughters, as much as it is you getting out of a horrible marriage.

 

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

kick your wife out

Correct. Make sure to have your lawyer file for temporary custody of the home.  Include that her work trips are a way she abandons the children, and are not fully work trips. 

You need time to decompress and away from her, so you can think clearly.  It is impossible to do this with her there wining you up.  This way, she gets to keep her househusband and child caregiver, while she's off banging other dudes.  COME ON DUDE, don't let your little guy call the shots.  You're better and worth more than this!

[sadchick83]

So sorry this happened to you OP, but, not terribly surprised. Several of my women friends are married and fully cheat.  And, it’s not a one time thing, it’s with multiple partners. It’s like stealing - amount and frequency seem to increase with time and favorable outcome.

I applaud you for seeking legal help immediately and recognize it is not easy with children. Your wife is a selfish woman, someone who would risk her marriage and having her kids grow up without their father in the household for random sex is unbecoming behavior.

She sounds ridiculously self absorbed. Common trait with these people I have noticed is that they are impeccably groomed for not apparent reason. They come to work on a Tuesday looking like they are going to a night club. Or are always botoxed/waxed/made-up to an inch of their life.  You life will be difficult for now, but the worst is over. You know she is a cheater and you are making strides for someone better.

[gamon]

You can't kick your wife out and moving before the divorce is final is a huge mistake.

She probably won't leave so you're just going to have to tolerate it.

I suggest not moving out of the bedroom. You want her to be as inconvenienced and uncomfortable as possible, that helps speed the process along.

Be careful and protect yourself from false DV allegations on her part to get you removed from the house, it happens all the time. Best way to do that is have a VAR running all the time and don't let her provoke you into an argument. At this point there's nothing to fight with her about anymore.

 

 

[lostandhurt]

I caught my wife or 20 yrs cheating and had to endure 3 months of her staying until she finally found a place to live.  Turns out she didn't want to move in with her bf.

I told her since she was the cheater she is the one to leave.  I did have some leverage so I used it.  She was so afraid I would tell her mother and everyone she knew she complied.  

She walked around the house like a ghost to me.  Acting like she didn't do anything wrong and I was the bad guy.  It wasn't easy but I  focused on our son and staying busy separating her from myself financially and emotionally.  I also told her since she wanted all this she had to file for divorce and do all the heavy lifting.  It took her almost a year but she finally got started on it.

During that time I worked on myself and took care of our son. 

Non of this is easy but it isn't impossible either.  Be smart, think twice before you do or say anything and if you aren't sure come here and ask the question.

  As far as divorce goes it may be filled with emotions it is still a business transaction so remember that.  You are making a deal to play the long game.

Keep posting

  Lost

[lostandhurt]

Ugh!  So many typos in that post ^^^

To late to edit it....

Mods can we extend the editing time a little longer?   I am a Grandmaster now so doesn't that come with any perks?  You know for knuckleheads like me that don't proof read their posts carefully enough so I can go back and fix them a few hours later.

Fat Finger Lost