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We had a calm argument but haven’t spoken for 4 days now. What should I do?


Lex000
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story:

we have been together for almost 4 years, we have a very nice relationship and quite frankly we argue very little. Last summer we had a big fallout, mostly due to me, and ended up cutting contact for like a month. During that month, he spoke to a friend ( girl) who he has been friends since before we met, and she is also a friend of his sisters. I never really liked her, and believed she had a thing for him, but nothing every happened between them. During this month, she initiated conversation and they talked everyday. Eventhough nothing physical happened, it hurt me a lot, however, after a month separated, he came back to me and we worked things through. Since a week before we got back to working things up he never spoke to her again. She wished him happy birthday a couple months later, and he replied with a polite thank you.

I have known this girl from a friend also before I had met my boyfriend. So i followed her on Instagram and so did my boyfriend. she's very private and barely posts. a Couple months back, in my suggestions on Instagram it popped up that she had a new account, whilst have her “old one”. I saw only two people I knew followed her, its private and there's only 2 pics. She still has her “old account” months pass, its been a year since our fallout, and her new account sometimes pops up, his sisters, nor him follow her. However 4 days ago, I instinctively check and I see that now his sisters follow that account and so does my boyfriend. It really upset me. I have never brought up following problems, and I’m not problematic in that way. he follows some of his exes and me too and i’ve never felt bad about that. But the fact that after so many months that this account has been created, the fact that its this person, and above all the fact that he found necessary to follow back an additional account of hers hurts me and is a betrayal for me. I know that the concept of the follow is small and stupid, but its the emotions surrounding it. So i asked him if we could discuss. mind you our discussion was very calm, and I was careful with my words, and i just told him how I felt and that it hurt me, and that i didn’t understand the action. During our conversation, he told me that he followed her because she asked for a follow, that I was being dramatic, that it was instagram and that I had a problem. I told him that hit wasn’t fair, because I was sharing my feelings and that my feelings were valid and so were his, but that dismissing it was hurtful. He told me :” im together with you no?” and also told me you seem to have a problem with her, and I did yes. Also when I asked him if they were friends, he said no, I asked him do you talk he said no, so I said why the need to follow the additional account, and he said its just an account and I followed back, like I do everyone. Honestly his reaction was painful. The conversation didn’t really reach a conclusion, I said what I needed to say, but his reaction even though I had been very clear was dissapointing. I left and so did he, he asked me if he should drive me to my car, I said I would walk. We haven't talked in 4 days now…. Usually in any arguments or fights, I don’t really have an ego, and I don’t play the game of who calls or texts first. But now I’m very hurt, I don’t understand how we are in this situation, to me, the message I’m getting is : you feel this way, too bad, figure it out. I don’t see love or respect for this relationship, but its crazy and hard to accept because normally everything is fine. So I’m really in a position, where I gave him a couple days to at least reach out. I’m not saying he has to agree with me, but he has to acknowledge my feelings and make me feel better, that's the basic needs in a relationship. I’m sad and shocked, but I also can't bring myself to write to him, because even if I did, I said what I said, he reacted the way he did. What else is there left. Its painful

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What jumps out at me the most, is if she barely posts, why make a second account?

I can also see why you're feeling the way you are. It would raise some questions for most people on what the purpose of making a second account is and the fact that you were left out.

Yes, your boyfriend is being rude with not trying to understand your side of things. Telling you that you were "dramatic" and that "this is your problem".

Seems very unfair.

After all, this is the woman that kept him company while you were broken up, and now has a private account that your boyfriend is a part of. So I can see where your feelings are coming from.

But does that mean that either one of them are doing something to hurt you? No.

I'm not sure of her reasons for the second account, but it may not have anything to do with your boyfriend.

As for him following her, it may be as he said, and it's just a follow, nothing more.

Try not to get too upset over all of it. Even after your separation, and her spending time with him, he still chose you!! He had a chance to date her, he didn't want to.

Try to keep that in mind anytime you start to feel doubts.

He is with you. 

Edited by SherrySher
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1 hour ago, Lex000 said:

but he has to acknowledge my feelings and make me feel better, that's the basic needs in a relationship. I’m sad and shocked

I'm going to assume that he is being a good guy, and that he didn't do anything wrong, okay?

First of all, yes, his reply was harsh, and he needs to try to be more understanding on other people's feelings, particularly his partners feelings.

But secondly, if he truly didn't do anything wrong, apart from click an accept invite to follow and is now in the outs with you, I can see how he is upset, angry, feeling like he's being punished when he didn't do anything wrong.

Being in a relationship requires BOTH sides to try to understand what the other one is going through.

He may be feeling the same as you, feeling like you're discounting his feelings and blaming him for something he didn't do.

When you're ever faced with an issue, always try to put yourself in the other persons shoes.

At least best you can, without your own feelings clouding the situation.

He may be sat there feeling like he did nothing wrong, but now you refuse to speak to him, and furthermore, expect him to make YOU feel better.

Do you see how it could be hurtful on his end too?

Communication needs to remain open. It's shut down right now because both of you are feeling like it's the other person fault, and no one is willing to budge.

I'm not saying your feeling matter less if you reach out to him, however, being as this situation occurred due to something that upset you, it might make more sense to try to talk to him about it some more.

When you do talk to him, don't go into it expecting a fight, talk to him like he's your friend and that you want to work through this issue together.

Try not to blame him, he may have just clicked accept, and didn't think about it.

But also talk to him honestly, and ask him to please let you know if he ever changes his mind and wants to spend time with another woman or date someone else.

Again, not in an accusatory way, but so he knows that he can tell you, and not hide things if that should ever come up.

But if he is rude, and still insulting you, then that's a different problem altogether, and that could be a deal breaker.

A partner who constantly invalidates your feelings, or insults you, is not a good choice.

 

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40 minutes ago, Lex000 said:

I’m not saying he has to agree with me, but he has to acknowledge my feelings and make me feel better, that's the basic needs in a relationship.

Why? No, seriously, I wonder why in this particular situation?

You are mad thah he followed some girls account because(by his words) she followed his and he returned it back. You dont have any additional proof that something is going on and if they even talk anymore. You have a right to be mad about anything but why should he had to acknowledge your feelings when you are being that irrational? What was he suppose to do? Tell you "Here I unfollowed her, wont happen again"? Get on his knees and beg you for love? You are being irrational and jealous here. Partners are there to support us but are also there to tell us when we are not in the right and make mistakes. And here it is on you, not on him.

I do agree that he maybe could have handled it better. Just "transfering" it onto you is not the best way to defuse the argument. And that maybe you not feeling loved by him is a part of a bigger problem. But this one is really on you.

8 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

What jumps out at me the most, is if she barely posts, why make a second account?

 

"Watchers"? I mean people who just watch stuff and barely post. I had a friend who was like that, didnt even had a real profile pic. But spend time there looking at other peoples and groups pics. She lost a pass from first account and opened second. Not saying its the case here, from all we know she maybe has double accounts for double life, just that there are some people who mostly watch other people stuff.

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2 hours ago, Lex000 said:

Last summer we had a big fallout, mostly due to me, and ended up cutting contact for like a month. . he follows some of his exes and me too and i’ve never felt bad about that. I told him that hit wasn’t fair

Sorry this is happening. What was the first breakup about? Why is it fair for you to follow your exes, but unfair if he follows a female friend?

You need to get a handle on controlling behavior, policing his social media, possessiveness, jealous, insecurity, etc. and hiding all that behind "sharing your feelings" and how hurtful and unfair it is.

If you think he has a thing for her, end it. On/off relationships tend to be fraught with incompatibilities, drama and conflict, so reflect if this is what you want.

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3 hours ago, Lex000 said:

During our conversation, he told me that he followed her because she asked for a follow, that I was being dramatic, that it was instagram and that I had a problem. I told him that hit wasn’t fair, because I was sharing my feelings and that my feelings were valid and so were his, but that dismissing it was hurtful. He told me :” im together with you no?” and also told me you seem to have a problem with her, and I did yes. Also when I asked him if they were friends, he said no, I asked him do you talk he said no, so I said why the need to follow the additional account, and he said its just an account and I followed back, like I do everyone. Honestly his reaction was painful.

I feel the pain here is fact that you two had broken up.  This, alone causes pains 😞 .

On top of that, he had confided in a 'galfriend'.. BUT, they were never involved in any other way.

 

3 hours ago, Lex000 said:

The conversation didn’t really reach a conclusion, I said what I needed to say, but his reaction even though I had been very clear was dissapointing. I left and so did he, he asked me if he should drive me to my car, I said I would walk. We haven't talked in 4 days now…

This is also a problem.... lack of communication.

 

You say how 'Basic needs' in a relationship are to make you feel better & acknowledge your needs.

There many needs in a relationship... and one is the communication.. respect...trust...it takes your time & your energy.

In ways I feel you two are at a stand still.. fact, that he hasn't reached out & neither have you...

So, could it maybe be because you two are struggling now?  That someone's ego is bruised?

Sadly, is so often that when a couple breaks up then gets back together, is not the same anymore . ( due to the pains involved, reason for the BU, etc).

 

As for this other gal, they were never involved, just kind of friends of the family, is how I see it.

I do not feel she was ever much of a threat.  he probably doesn't see her that way - known her for many years, yes?

 

Do YOU honestly think you two have what it takes to keep this together?  It has been days since you've talked, this isn't good 😞 .

Is maybe a good idea to have a heart to heart with him and ask him to TALK to you and be honest!  What does he feel..what does he think of your relationship.

Is it just time... to end all now?

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He needs to stay dumped, as of last year. It sounds very uncomfortable the way you're worrying about his ongoings and there's deep-seated distrust. Your actions belie a lot of distrust and discomfort. Why on earth are you living like this? If I went to the lengths of suspecting a partner fiddling around with another woman or having feelings for her, he would be gone. Find a man you can trust and respect.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I agree with @Rose MosseMosse

This relationship has run its course. Yes, he's with you, but you don't trust him. And, that is, okay.

The fact he hasn't reached out to even check in on you (not to talk about this, cause I agree with other posters) confirms that this is what broke the camel's back. It's like, he doesn't care. And, now you too, you see that you actually don't care and won't overlook anymore certain aspects/red flags of him and this relationship.

I would end this relationship here, choose myself, and move on.

As @Wiseman2 mentioned:

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

On/off relationships tend to be fraught with incompatibilities, drama and conflict

It's just not healthy for both of you. So choose you for now.

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Your relationship boundaries about who you can follow and who you can't are a bit strange with you both following exes and both followed this girl. Since he already followed her, how was he supposed to know your rule that he can't follow the new one she created?

In the future, when you become exclusive with someone, make sure they share your rules on every element of relationship rules.

As for me, after a cooling off period of one day after an argument, I'd assume a guy who loved me and wanted forever with me would want to talk and make up. If he went 4 days without a word to me, I'd have to admit he's really not interested in patching things up. That he's glad things will fade away in silence with no drama. 

With time and distance away from him, you will probably see with more clarity that this relationship has run its course. One day you'll probably realize that's for the best. Take care.

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9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why? No, seriously, I wonder why in this particular situation?

You are mad thah he followed some girls account because(by his words) she followed his and he returned it back. You dont have any additional proof that something is going on and if they even talk anymore. You have a right to be mad about anything but why should he had to acknowledge your feelings when you are being that irrational? What was he suppose to do? Tell you "Here I unfollowed her, wont happen again"? Get on his knees and beg you for love? You are being irrational and jealous here. Partners are there to support us but are also there to tell us when we are not in the right and make mistakes. And here it is on you, not on him.

I do agree that he maybe could have handled it better. Just "transfering" it onto you is not the best way to defuse the argument. And that maybe you not feeling loved by him is a part of a bigger problem. But this one is really on you.

I felt the exact same way.  In a way your reaction was painful - your reaction to his following the second account was a bit of guilty till proven innocent.  

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