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How do I accept and deal with my insecurities about my girlfriend while doing long distance?


Tatum
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My girlfriend and I started dating in college and we’ve been together for 2 years. She went off to grad school this fall and now we’re doing long distance. Before she moved to the different state she and I decided that I would move with her. But she said that when she was drunk and then the next day she said she wasn’t comfortable with it since she and I are both closeted and haven’t told our parents. She thinks that it would be obvious to everyone that we are dating if I followed her to her grad school. This summer she went to a bar and she was bragging to me how a guy told her he could make her squirt and then another guy later came up and kept kissing her cheek. She didn’t stop it or anything. But this has kind of put doubt in my mind that she might not stop someone if they are making sexual advances. Now that she is in school she is constantly going out and drinking with a bunch of people and she ignores me a lot when she’s out. Then the next day I’ll ask her how it was and she’s always so vague and doesn’t really tell me everything. It’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t even tell me she’s going out to drink until she’s already gone. I know I’m being very insecure and jealous but I don’t know what to do or how to handle my emotions. I hate how I’m treating her because the next day I’ll just be short and dry in our texts but I honestly can’t find it in me to act happy. I think I’m just upset because it feels like she won’t share things with me and also I just feel lonely since I really don’t have anyone but her. Which is also an issue because I rely so much on her but I know she has a life of her own. It’s also been bothering me because when we were going to school together she was constantly worrying about money and never wanting to go out. But now she’s spending all this money with a bunch of people she’s just barely met. I know it’s her choice but it feels like she just doesn’t want to spend money whenever she’s with me. Another thing that’s been on my mind is that whenever she and I hung out she is always on her phone texting people but now that she’s out drinking with these new people she can’t find time to text me. I don’t know what to do and I want to be better for her. So please help me figure out my insecurities. 

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27 minutes ago, Tatum said:

this has kind of put doubt in my mind that she might not stop someone if they are making sexual advances. Now that she is in school she is constantly going out and drinking with a bunch of people and she ignores me a lot when she’s out. Then the next day I’ll ask her how it was and she’s always so vague and doesn’t really tell me everything.

Fine, if she chooses to tell you stuff.. but should also be okay that she doesn't talk to you every half hour. ( reason she is ignoring you when she is out).

 

29 minutes ago, Tatum said:

I just feel lonely since I really don’t have anyone but her. Which is also an issue because I rely so much on her but I know she has a life of her own.

You NEED to have a life of your own.  Not rely on only her.  Why do you not have friends/family?

Yes, this will drive her crazy 😕 .

As for her and her actions... yes, she is a young woman and she will be living it up!  She is at that age.  Kids this age party, hang with friends, etc.

Nothing you can do about it.

 

Do you see each other often, now that she has moved away?  is it long distance?

I do hope you get to arrange times to see each other now & then.

 

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1 hour ago, Tatum said:

 she and I are both closeted and haven’t told our parents.   she was bragging to me how a guy told her he could make her squirt.

Sorry this is happening. How old is she?

There's a few problems and red flags 🚩.

One is your isolation and being in the closet. This makes you vulnerable to someone like her.

She's not the only lesbian woman around. But because you are living a lie, it seems that way to you.

The other issue is her insincerity and excessive partying.

She's too messed up and selfish to be involved with. Step back from this.

Instead, work on your self esteem and identity. If you are financially dependant on your parents and not ready to share that you're gay, that's fine.

However join some LGBT support groups. Learn to be yourself.

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I think your insecurity is not about the nights out drinking in and of themselves, but the clear signals that she is moving away from this relationship. 

She doesn't want you to move to be with her anymore. She is going out more and more and seems to be enjoying the attention she's getting. This is therefore not just a problem with you being insecure, but rather the fact that she appears to be losing interest in your relationship, and this might be fizzling out. 

You two need to have a serious talk about your future as a couple. Don't come at her in an accusatory way. Simply sit her down and tell her that you noticed she is increasingly distant, and ask her what her feelings are towards you and your relationship at this point. 

2 hours ago, Tatum said:

I really don’t have anyone but her. Which is also an issue because I rely so much on her

This is also a big problem. You need your own social circle and support system. Most people do not want to be their partner's sole source of companionship or entertainment, and it's not particularly attractive when someone really has no life outside the relationship. You will need to work on this, regardless of your status with your girlfriend. 

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