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Hurt and scared to commit to new relationship


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Hello all, I'm new on here and I really just want to vent as I feel nobody understands my pain and my fears except my father...

 

I have a son from a previous long-term relationship with a toxic and manipulative woman. Long story short, following our separation, she voluntarily moved away with my son to over 4 hours drive away from where we lived and where I worked full-time, when we had verbally agreed that in case of separation we would both live close enough to each other for my son's well-being (and various options were available to do so but she refused).

 

She is acting like the victim and painting me as an evil alcoholic who mis-treated her and my son (I have everything in place for the family court to prove the contrary - blood tests, testimonies... even her mother testified in my favour). And with these false accusations, she is trying to gain exclusive parental control and remove all my rights. And for the record, most of her family members and a few of her (now ex-) friends are now firmly on my side after understanding her behaviour and her real character.

 

In addition to all that, she had been completely non-coperative with me, not responding or refusing 99% of my calls/messages or requests to receive news on how my son is doing, to receive photos/videos of him, and more importantly to go visit him. In 15 months I've seen him only 9 times in person - some meetings were as short as 30 minutes! I also give her monthly payments to finance the spendings for my son, it is even slightly above the 'required estimated minimum'.

 

Fast-forward to today, I'm in a relationship with my new partner, who has two children from her previous relationships. Long story short, both of these fathers turned out to be complete a***holes and want nothing to do with their children.

 

What is most difficult for me is that I'm in the middle of 3 children who are being unfairly deprived of a father figure - my son due to my ex's selfish behaviour and my partner's two children due to their fathers not being bothered. The more time I spend with my partner and her children, the more it is torturing me on the inside. I don't mind being the father figure for her children, but I would rather spend the time that I spend with her children with my son instead.

 

There is one more thing, however. My partner have effectively removed the father from her first child's life. The father of her second child is also the legal father of her first child. She has done to the father of her first child what my ex is trying to do to me!

 

Apart from all that, my relationship with my new partner is simply sensational. We get on well, we have virtually the same personalities, tastes, and views on life. We both feel we are the love of our lives. However, due to the above I'm scared to engage myself further into the relationship.

 

Sorry for the long writing. What do you think?

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Well first off, it's not up to your ex or you how your child is raised, that should be left up to the courts. You have rights too. She can spew things about you all she wants, she would have a real difficult time proving these accusations. That crap should never deter you. Get a lawyer and start the process. You owe it to your son.

As for your GF, what happens with her kids is her responsibility. It is not up to you. Now I would be wary if I were you meddling in her business about her kids. Don't be a white knight. Get your head out of the clouds. This is a woman who has two kids from two different men, etc. don't be a third. Your chances of that happening are pretty strong. Keep it wrapped buddy.

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45 minutes ago, justneedtovent said:

The more time I spend with my partner and her children, the more it is torturing me on the inside. I don't mind being the father figure for her children, but I would rather spend the time that I spend with her children with my son instea

I can see how this makes you miss your child. But these are separate things. You're not choosing...

When you have more time with your child, don't you think this will fade?

45 minutes ago, justneedtovent said:

My partner have effectively removed the father from her first child's life. The father of her second child is also the legal father of her first child. She has done to the father of her first child what my ex is trying to do to me

It seems counter intuitive to me that you say the above then turn around and say the below.

If you share virtually the same views on life and she is the love of your life, how is she capable of doing the same to her children's father? 

If you share the same views wouldn't you understand the motives behind what she is doing? It's like your essentially saying her exes are butt holes and they didn't want relationships with the children. Right?

Isn't that different than your situation? 

 

45 minutes ago, justneedtovent said:

Apart from all that, my relationship with my new partner is simply sensational. We get on well, we have virtually the same personalities, tastes, and views on life. We both feel we are the love of our lives. However, due to the above I'm scared to engage myself further into the relationship.

In a way, I see you punishing this family, that openly wants you in their lives and accepts you, because of what your ex is doing and for your longing for your own child.

Neither of which is in their control. 

Love is love and love the one your with are not just statements for romantic love.

It is so simple isn't it? Here they are ready to give and receive love.  Don't be an idiot. Grab hold of it. life is short.

It doesn't distract from your love of your own child.  The courts will work this out... when you get access to your son, think of the loving family you will have to share with him. 

You are hurting and I get it. But I think you're letting it skew your judgment here.

or... 

You're not being honest about your current relationship and you know this instant family isn't for you. 

But only you know that 

Edited by Lambert
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57 minutes ago, justneedtovent said:

we had verbally agreed that in case of separation we would both live close enough to each other for my son's well-being

Courts govern whether one parent can take a child a certain distance away.

Courts also govern visitation rights (but you need to apply through the courts).

Courts also govern child support. 

It doesn't matter if her family/friends likes you. 

Children have rights and the courts primary mission is to protect those rights.

What matters is the legality of removing a child out of whatever the legal radius is, what the terms of your visitation are and what the terms of your child support are.

About dating again. Unfortunately you are too angry and embroiled in a custody battle to devote appropriate attention to  building a new relationship.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I think that you shouldnt do anything "verbally". You are paying alimony but you also have the right to see your kid. Excercise that right and get it in court ordered manner. Meaning that you should have court ordered custody where you at least share it with her. And where you have in writing when you can see your kid. If she wont give it to you at given time, get police. You allowed her way too much. To the point she moved him away from you based on a verbal agreement. Parents here cant even get kid on vacation without other side fully agreeing. Because it would interfere with other side time with the kid. And you even allowed her to move away without having those things in order. So, get that in order.

As for the other relationship, I am sorry, but its a huge red flag. I know that even your example isnt most shiniest, but having 2 kids from 2 dads, where one is removed and the other is also somehow not there, that is not a mistake. People make mistakes and are allowed to do so, that is why they are people. To have 2 of the same huge mistakes like that, its no longer a mistake, its a pattern. And unfortunately pattern of her. So I think you are right to at least be cautious there.

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I think you're setting yourself up for a WORLD full of trouble. 

You know from your own experience, that every parenting story has TWO sides.  Your ex might be telling other men that she's dating what your current gf is saying to you.  That you just don't care or want to be involved.  Parenting is complicated, as you already know, and rarely is ONE side of the story the WHOLE side, so beware. 

You're already calling this woman the love of your life?  Why? Honestly, I'm asking.  

Find out if you really are by taking some time apart.  I'm serious.  Make sure that it's really YOU that she likes and not the 'shining knight" routine that she loves.  You aren't her children's father.  Being a stepparent is far different than being a regular parent. I know because I am a stepparent.  You will have to deal with your partner's ex forever, as they will always be the parent of the children.  You will not always agree.  You may also come to discover things about your partner through them.  You also see another way of parenting that you may or may not agree with.  I do not think you are ready for this whilst you still have tons of unresolved issues with your own ex and son.   You need to come to a more fair visitation agreement.  Simply refuse to give money until she agrees to speak about terms with you.  I'm curious why this hasn't already been hashed out, as most courts will be on your side to fight for visitation. 

I think you are seeing your new relationship thru rose colored glasses right now.   Take some time apart.  Don't be there to be "Hopeful Daddy number 3" and see if she's still interested.  Seriously. 

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With all still in the process, I am assuming nothing has been truly dealt with. And this is all new to you.

A child with an ex ( who is toxic).

A 'new' relationship with a women who's got 2 kids and she has some 'father' issue's as well with hers?

I say you do have some things deep inside you that you DO need to face. ( So, is maybe not such a good idea to go jumping into some new kind of challenge).

Yes, you are entitled proper time with your son.  And it will be discussed in court.

Many parents split time or mother will have sole custody & father, visitation. ( unless can be proven mother is unfit, then things can change- as this is all for ' the childs best interest').

I have a friend going through all of this and I did as well.  I had custody & kids went to see their dad weekends ( or alternate) and on occasion, if local, father has access once through the week.. See, all depends.

I agree with your fears, I'd feel the same as well.

So, maybe it isn't such a good idea to be involved ( though I don't know how long you have been dating her?).

Fact is, you don't sound 'ready' to be involved again.

Then, maybe think hard on this and consider going about on your own for a while.  never hurts to be single for a good while and work through your issue's.

 

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