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BF is Starting to Control EVERYTHING


Cape_Cod_Mama
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1 hour ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I have 3 camera's in my house that he can access. I only had two for the doors but one night he accused me of going out and leaving my phone at home when I was actually sleeping so I had to get a camera for the bedroom.

What? Why would you even allow something like that?

Look, that guy is a psycho. If he indeed found somebody else and that is why he wont see you, be glad as it could be blessing in disguise. Because guys like that are always one move away from literally killing you. One "wrong" move by you and he will not hesitate to do so. So, get away as far as possible from him. I would move away just to be sure. 

I am more worried about you. And why you allowed complete and total psycho all that to the point you live in prison. You dont go out, you dont hang out with friends, he tells you what to wear like its 1950s and he even needs to monitor your every move around the house. Do you even realise how insane that sounds? Get control over your life. 

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59 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

 I also waited 2 years after my divorce to date at all, I didn't rush anything. I had to move so I decided to be closer and hoping we'd see each other more. Guess not. 

Ok. That fine. However immediately remove his access to any of your devices and cameras etc. For all you know this pervert is watching your kids on camera. 

You are not in prison. You do not need to monitored with cameras in your own home. You do not need ankle bracelet type tracking on your phone.

Talk to trusted friends and family.

Delete and block him from all your accounts, devices, social media and messaging apps. Get a restraining order. You are dealing with a strange potentially dangerous weirdo.

You need to protect your children from these intrusions, not play hide and seek games with some sadist. Change ALL your passwords to ALL your devices, WIFI, cameras, phones, tablets...Everything. And your children's as well.

 

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9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

What? Why would you even allow something like that?

Look, that guy is a psycho. If he indeed found somebody else and that is why he wont see you, be glad as it could be blessing in disguise. Because guys like that are always one move away from literally killing you. One "wrong" move by you and he will not hesitate to do so. So, get away as far as possible from him. I would move away just to be sure. 

I am more worried about you. And why you allowed complete and total psycho all that to the point you live in prison. You dont go out, you dont hang out with friends, he tells you what to wear like its 1950s and he even needs to monitor your every move around the house. Do you even realise how insane that sounds? Get control over your life. 

WOW, rude. I do go out, I do hang with friends - just causes him to be mad and jealous.

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If you can't move, at the very least, remove all the cameras, disable the tracking devices and end the relationship. You're here looking for help and members are warning you about the signs of an abusive relationship. 

You mention you have a lot on your plate with your kids. This may be an escape of sorts for you and the attention of this man, however abusive and controlling, feels good in place of all the other stress going on. That is human - to experience stress but don't add to it by trying to assuage someone else's insecurities to the point of debilitating yourself. What good are you to your kids, as a parent, with all the added worries of a partner who is hurting you and controlling you or regularly "freaking out"? 

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

guys like that are always one move away from literally killing you. One "wrong" move by you and he will not hesitate to do so. So, get away as far as possible from him. I would move away just to be sure. 

You need to take the advice here seriously, OP.   And you need to examine, very seriously, with your therapist, how this state of affair arose in the first place.  Get all the help you can.

 

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His jealous, controlling and abusive behavior isn't because he "loves" you so much. It's because he's a controlling abuser.

Throw out the cameras, change your locks and get intrusion alarms for your windows and doors or better yet, get a home security system. Block him from contacting you and don't read or respond to calls or messages from unknown numbers. When your lease is up, move back closer to your family and/or kids.

Then stop avoiding talking to your therapist about why you're attracted to men like him. There's a reason why, but you'll keep doing it until you find out why.

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11 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

This last time I misunderstood him and thought we were hanging out Sunday so when he said he wouldn't be coming over I got really upset. I miss him, so the next day was the day he was supposed to come over and told me he wasn't coming because of my fit the night before. My fit? Cause I want to see the person I'm involved with.......anyway. So I went out with my friend and had 2 drinks, the entire time he's texting me telling me if I talk to other guys or flirt it's cheating. I mean freaking out about where I was, that I was there for 2.5 hours, etc. When I don't respond after 2 minutes it's "oh chatting it up with the guys, can't even look at your phone"

So, refusing to see you is okay... BUT if you are out, you are 'cheating'?  (assuming you are talkin to other guys etc)- which is not cheating!

 

11 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

He's been in a few crappy relationships with cheaters so I get it, to a point. I do alllll this stuff to try to help him feel secure and yet I'm still accused of things and end up feeling guilty for something I didn't actually do. Every new friend I make he finds a reason to not like her. I keep pushing to "compromise" and the first time he usually will but then it will be brought up "you stayed at a bar to close" - ok I won't stay til close, I come home by 11.

Is he your dad?  OMG  😕 .

 

11 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I don't know how to be more clear on what I need and that we need to compromise.

There is NO compromise with a controlling idiot.

YOUR solution is get out of this for your own good and move back where you came from!

This guy has only been around 8 months!  And never act out like this for anyone!(move)..  Not unless you know you've got a good, decent, solid relatiosnhip ( like over 2 years, at least?).

 

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14 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I've been dating this guy for 8 months now. Everything had been really good, I even moved an hour to be closer to him. Now that I've moved I haven't seen him in 9 weeks (we live 20 minutes apart), there's always some excuse that our plans get cancelled. This last time I misunderstood him and thought we were hanging out Sunday so when he said he wouldn't be coming over I got really upset. I miss him, so the next day was the day he was supposed to come over and told me he wasn't coming because of my fit the night before. My fit? Cause I want to see the person I'm involved with.......anyway. So I went out with my friend and had 2 drinks, the entire time he's texting me telling me if I talk to other guys or flirt it's cheating. I mean freaking out about where I was, that I was there for 2.5 hours, etc. When I don't respond after 2 minutes it's "oh chatting it up with the guys, can't even look at your phone" (I have read receipts on my iPhone) so it's even worse if I read it and don't respond. Whenever I go out he gets soooo upset and doesn't stop texting, yet he can GPS track me by my phone (I'm not allowed to go certain places, they are sketchy, I'm new to the area and learning), I have 3 camera's in my house that he can access. I only had two for the doors but one night he accused me of going out and leaving my phone at home when I was actually sleeping so I had to get a camera for the bedroom. He looks to see what I'm wearing (that's another thing, I can wear revealing stuff, short skirts/shorts - but only when he is with me). I can't snap photos of me. I can't hang out with my guy friends that I've known for over 20 years, can't talk to guys in general (it's cheating) - he says "guys don't talk to girls for no other reason than wanting to sleep with you". He literally thinks everyone wants to sleep with me. He's been in a few crappy relationships with cheaters so I get it, to a point. I do alllll this stuff to try to help him feel secure and yet I'm still accused of things and end up feeling guilty for something I didn't actually do. Every new friend I make he finds a reason to not like her. I keep pushing to "compromise" and the first time he usually will but then it will be brought up "you stayed at a bar to close" - ok I won't stay til close, I come home by 11. Now it's don't go to a bar. "Why do you have to drink? I haven't been to a bar in years. Go to the gym instead, go for a hike". If anything guy related happens somehow it's my fault, I gave someone the impression that they have a shot with me. I'm new to the area and left alllll my friends. I have my kids every other week so when I don't have them I get extremely lonely. I love live music and I love playing pool, I do nothing wrong. I've gotten drunk once in 8 months, and boy I won't live that one down. I don't know how to be more clear on what I need and that we need to compromise. HELP!!!!!!!

I think you have allowed him too much access and too much control in your bid to make him feel more secure. I think you need to rethink this relationship and leave this guy. He is way too controlling, he even tells you what to wear and has access to cameras within your house, what more is he going to demand of you next? I think you need to leave while you still can because it seems like you are unhappy and also because he is exhibiting extremely worrying behavior I can tell you that this is how abusive relationships begin, get out now!

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14 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I've been dating this guy for 8 months now. Everything had been really good, I even moved an hour to be closer to him. Now that I've moved I haven't seen him in 9 weeks (we live 20 minutes apart), there's always some excuse that our plans get cancelled. This last time I misunderstood him and thought we were hanging out Sunday so when he said he wouldn't be coming over I got really upset. I miss him, so the next day was the day he was supposed to come over and told me he wasn't coming because of my fit the night before. My fit? Cause I want to see the person I'm involved with.......anyway. So I went out with my friend and had 2 drinks, the entire time he's texting me telling me if I talk to other guys or flirt it's cheating. I mean freaking out about where I was, that I was there for 2.5 hours, etc. When I don't respond after 2 minutes it's "oh chatting it up with the guys, can't even look at your phone" (I have read receipts on my iPhone) so it's even worse if I read it and don't respond. Whenever I go out he gets soooo upset and doesn't stop texting, yet he can GPS track me by my phone (I'm not allowed to go certain places, they are sketchy, I'm new to the area and learning), I have 3 camera's in my house that he can access. I only had two for the doors but one night he accused me of going out and leaving my phone at home when I was actually sleeping so I had to get a camera for the bedroom. He looks to see what I'm wearing (that's another thing, I can wear revealing stuff, short skirts/shorts - but only when he is with me). I can't snap photos of me. I can't hang out with my guy friends that I've known for over 20 years, can't talk to guys in general (it's cheating) - he says "guys don't talk to girls for no other reason than wanting to sleep with you". He literally thinks everyone wants to sleep with me. He's been in a few crappy relationships with cheaters so I get it, to a point. I do alllll this stuff to try to help him feel secure and yet I'm still accused of things and end up feeling guilty for something I didn't actually do. Every new friend I make he finds a reason to not like her. I keep pushing to "compromise" and the first time he usually will but then it will be brought up "you stayed at a bar to close" - ok I won't stay til close, I come home by 11. Now it's don't go to a bar. "Why do you have to drink? I haven't been to a bar in years. Go to the gym instead, go for a hike". If anything guy related happens somehow it's my fault, I gave someone the impression that they have a shot with me. I'm new to the area and left alllll my friends. I have my kids every other week so when I don't have them I get extremely lonely. I love live music and I love playing pool, I do nothing wrong. I've gotten drunk once in 8 months, and boy I won't live that one down. I don't know how to be more clear on what I need and that we need to compromise. HELP!!!!!!!

Run far, run fast. There are so many red flags but the upshot is you've given up so much for this guy and gotten nothing in return, it's not even like you get to spend time with him. Right now he's just an app on your phone that monitors your activities (to a very creepy level) and then gets angry at you for not living the lifestyle he wants.

Uninstall him. If moving isn't such a big deal for you that you were willing and able to move for a new relationship then move back to your old city where your friends are.

Turn off the cameras, reconnect with your friends, don't tell him your new address, block his number.

 

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13 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

. I won't introduce my kids to anyone so when I have them I don't go out or have anyone come over. 

You do realize that by allowing this camara nonsense he can watch your children.. That's not creepy enough for you?

Do your children tell their father what's going on? They should. 

Can you imagine? "Mommy put cameras in the house so some man can watch us eat cereal in our underwear".

He should have full custody until you get your act together and protect them from weirdos watching them on camera.

Edited by Wiseman2
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7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You do realize that by allowing this camara nonsense he can watch your children..

Exactly. 

OP, it doesn't make sense to say you won't introduce your kids to him yet (which is fair and sensible) but allow him to essentially spy on all of you inside your home. 

Don't you see what a contradiction that it? Or how inappropriate it is? 

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15 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

Jesus, I honestly didn't think it was this bad. Missing, bullet in my head. Just figured he was a bit insecure and like I said I'm new to all this dating stuff. 

What you describe is really bad. So bad, that I also wondered if you were a troll. The fact that you think this is normal behavior is going to be a big obstacle for you in life.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You do realize that by allowing this camara nonsense he can watch your children.. That's not creepy enough for you?

Do your children tell their father what's going on? They should. 

Can you imagine? "Mommy put cameras in the house so some man can watch us eat cereal in our underwear".

He should have full custody until you get your act together and protect them from weirdos watching them on camera.

They don't sit in their underwear. They are fully aware of the camera's as they were for security purposes. I am a good mother. My kids do not know what is going on, why would I talk to them about my relationship. Try not being so damn judgy. 

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5 hours ago, Carnatic said:

If moving isn't such a big deal for you that you were willing and able to move for a new relationship then move back to your old city where your friends are.

"....reconnect with your friends, don't tell him your new address, block his number.

 

OP, everyone here has your interests at heart, and to tell the truth, I can say we are quite shocked (I know I am) at how extreme your situation is and how it was allowed to develop. . I think posters are being straightforward with you, not rude.  I do understand that you are probably on edge on seeing now so clearly the enormity of the situation. 

So, you made a serious error of judgment where this unsavoury individual is concerned.  I echo what Carnatic says, and would honestly urge you to return to your previous surroundings.  Could I also urge you (and I know I said it before) to address your issues with a good therapist, so that you can find out what drew you to this type of individual and to help you develop a better radar for the future.  It can be done and you will do it I am sure. 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

They don't sit in their underwear. They are fully aware of the camera's as they were for security purposes. I am a good mother. My kids do not know what is going on, why would I talk to them about my relationship. 

Your BF having access, watching and possibly taping all this is far from "security".

It's beyond creepy to allow a complete stranger to view your children running around their home. 

 

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your BF having access, watching and possibly taping all this is far from "security".

It's beyond creepy to allow a complete stranger to view your children running around their home. 

 

I have to agree. You have no clue if he is viewing your children and what he is doing with these images or if he is streaming  it to pedos or whatever. Get those cameras out . 

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3 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

Yes I am. I contacted my landlord about changing the locks. Once that is done I will block him and remove the cameras. 

I would make removing the cameras the first priority. Block him at the same time. You can have a handyman add a lock to your front door (and back or side doors if you have them) in one day and simply provide the landlord with a copy of the key. I did that when I wanted to keep someone out of the condo I was renting. The owner didn't mind at all.

Then immediately stop engaging with this abusive man. Do not give in when you start to "miss" him or try to convince yourself he's "not that bad" or that he abused you because he loves you so darn much. Discuss this with your therapist. Do not hide it from him or her any longer.

Edited by boltnrun
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22 hours ago, Seraphim said:

thing is I am in therapy but haven't talked about it as I have a lot going on with my kids

Is there a particular problem OP?  Anyhow, all the more reason to get this individual out of sight and as far away as possible. 

You gave this cry for help in your first post, so here we are doing the best we can to help. 

22 hours ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

HELP!!!!!!!

 

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