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BF is Starting to Control EVERYTHING


Cape_Cod_Mama
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I've been dating this guy for 8 months now. Everything had been really good, I even moved an hour to be closer to him. Now that I've moved I haven't seen him in 9 weeks (we live 20 minutes apart), there's always some excuse that our plans get cancelled. This last time I misunderstood him and thought we were hanging out Sunday so when he said he wouldn't be coming over I got really upset. I miss him, so the next day was the day he was supposed to come over and told me he wasn't coming because of my fit the night before. My fit? Cause I want to see the person I'm involved with.......anyway. So I went out with my friend and had 2 drinks, the entire time he's texting me telling me if I talk to other guys or flirt it's cheating. I mean freaking out about where I was, that I was there for 2.5 hours, etc. When I don't respond after 2 minutes it's "oh chatting it up with the guys, can't even look at your phone" (I have read receipts on my iPhone) so it's even worse if I read it and don't respond. Whenever I go out he gets soooo upset and doesn't stop texting, yet he can GPS track me by my phone (I'm not allowed to go certain places, they are sketchy, I'm new to the area and learning), I have 3 camera's in my house that he can access. I only had two for the doors but one night he accused me of going out and leaving my phone at home when I was actually sleeping so I had to get a camera for the bedroom. He looks to see what I'm wearing (that's another thing, I can wear revealing stuff, short skirts/shorts - but only when he is with me). I can't snap photos of me. I can't hang out with my guy friends that I've known for over 20 years, can't talk to guys in general (it's cheating) - he says "guys don't talk to girls for no other reason than wanting to sleep with you". He literally thinks everyone wants to sleep with me. He's been in a few crappy relationships with cheaters so I get it, to a point. I do alllll this stuff to try to help him feel secure and yet I'm still accused of things and end up feeling guilty for something I didn't actually do. Every new friend I make he finds a reason to not like her. I keep pushing to "compromise" and the first time he usually will but then it will be brought up "you stayed at a bar to close" - ok I won't stay til close, I come home by 11. Now it's don't go to a bar. "Why do you have to drink? I haven't been to a bar in years. Go to the gym instead, go for a hike". If anything guy related happens somehow it's my fault, I gave someone the impression that they have a shot with me. I'm new to the area and left alllll my friends. I have my kids every other week so when I don't have them I get extremely lonely. I love live music and I love playing pool, I do nothing wrong. I've gotten drunk once in 8 months, and boy I won't live that one down. I don't know how to be more clear on what I need and that we need to compromise. HELP!!!!!!!

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This man has no interest in you, he's not your bf, and he thinks he can tell you what to do and not to do? He got access to your gps and cameras?

And you let him.

I don't know if this post is a troll (no offense).

But Seriously. What are you doing with this stranger? Break up and block him. Remove all accesses. Please get therapy and learn to set boundaries. You unfortunately have non. You let him get that much control.

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Not a troll. I thought I was helping him feel secure, see that he can trust me. I don't do anything wrong so whatever, tracking me didn't bother me. This is my first relationship after a 20 year marriage so, it's all very new. But I've been googling some stuff and then came across this site. Sad thing is I am in therapy but haven't talked about it as I have a lot going on with my kids and next thing I know my time is up. He's really sweet when he's not jealous or freaking out. Unfortunately, going back home isn't an option. I'm in a year lease. Thanks for the advice, time to move on. Dating sucks. 

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It's an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship that violates your personal privacy and restricts your movement or choices. End it and stay away from him. Remove all contact, keep in close contact with your family and friends and keep those trusted individuals in the loop about what's going on in your life. If you end up missing, your friends and family will know of your whereabouts and what's been happening in this relationship. The longer you stay the harder it will be to break this off.

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6 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

Not a troll. I thought I was helping him feel secure, see that he can trust me. I don't do anything wrong so whatever, tracking me didn't bother me. This is my first relationship after a 20 year marriage so, it's all very new. But I've been googling some stuff and then came across this site. Sad thing is I am in therapy but haven't talked about it as I have a lot going on with my kids and next thing I know my time is up. He's really sweet when he's not jealous or freaking out. Unfortunately, going back home isn't an option. I'm in a year lease. Thanks for the advice, time to move on. Dating sucks. 

What this guy is doing isn’t even remotely normal not even close he’s a psycho.

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First of all, OP, there is nothing wrong with dating, when you choose the right person. 

After a 20 years marriage you need considerable time by yourself, alone, before embarking on any kind of relationship.  You need to talk precisely about this facet of yourself with the therapist.  You need to improve your radar so that you can read people better.  And get help to acquire healthy boundaries. 

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6 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

Jesus, I honestly didn't think it was this bad. Missing, bullet in my head. Just figured he was a bit insecure and like I said I'm new to all this dating stuff.

Helping him feel more secure, do you feel secure yourself? Knowing that a man who doesn't even want to meet with you or see you is spying on you and controlling your life just by demanding so?

Advice: do not change location or move in with a man before 2 years mark. 8 months was way too short!

Yes. It's very bad. Get all the cameras out, get a new phone and change the locks to your house. Like today. Block him everywhere. He'll beg and plead and guilt trip. So block. Without even telling him it's over cause there's nothing going on but abuse.

Please discuss this asap with a therapist. Agree with all posters. The fact that you can't tell this is an enormous breach of boundaries is a huge huge red flag for you. Take care of you.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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10 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I thought I was helping him feel secure, see that he can trust me.

No, you are enabling his abuse. 

4 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I honestly didn't think it was this bad.

It is. It is that bad, and then some. This is not about being a "little" insecure. This guy is unglued and verbally emotionally abusing you. 

4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You need to improve your radar so that you can read people better.

This. Please, get away from him, OP. Today. And stay single for a bit and work on yourself. The fact that this behaviour is not setting off massive alarm bells is very concerning. You don't see the danger right in front of you. 

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10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Please discuss this asap with a therapist. Agree with all posters. The fact that you can't tell this is an enormous breach of boundaries is a huge huge red flag for you. Take care of you.

This is indeed so serious OP.  Please address with your therapist as soon as possible. Get help

It is not your job to help ANYONE to feel secure or anything else either.  Healthy relationships are not like this.   But toxic and dysfunctional relationships are!

47 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I do alllll this stuff to try to help him feel secure

Loneliness is a very bad advisor.  I would advise that you join in some healthy pursuits, maybe volunteer, find uplifting and constructive things to do with your leisure time. 

47 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I get extremely lonely

You say you like music. If you don't already play an instrument this might be a good time to start. Take music lessons.  

Edited by LaHermes
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27 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

Dating sucks

This isn't dating.

This is you having no boundaries and allowing a stranger to control your life because you thought you knew him and you thought he was into you.

This is about having healthy boundaries, respecting your needs, and looking out for and blocking red flags in people asap. Also, it's about not giving in to your feelings or fears (of loneliness for e.g.) when making decisions in life.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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1 hour ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I even moved an hour to be closer to him. 

he can GPS track me by my phone I'm not allowed to go certain places

I have 3 camera's in my house that he can access.

Is this a BDSM situation? Why are you allowing this?

Why would you uproot your life to be with a man who treats you like a dog?

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a BDSM situation? Why are you allowing this?

Why would you uproot your life to be with a man who treats you like a dog?

No! Not at all. Because he didn't treat me like this until I moved. I also waited 2 years after my divorce to date at all, I didn't rush anything. I had to move so I decided to be closer and hoping we'd see each other more. Guess not. 

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2 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

No! Not at all. Because he didn't treat me like this until I moved. I also waited 2 years after my divorce to date at all, I didn't rush anything. I had to move so I decided to be closer and hoping we'd see each other more. Guess not. 

No, he wanted to draw you away from all your support networks so he could treat you like crap easier, this is what abusers do. 

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28 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Helping him feel more secure, do you feel secure yourself? Knowing that a man who doesn't even want to meet with you or see you is spying on you and controlling your life just by demanding so?

Advice: do not change location or move in with a man before 2 years mark. 8 months was way too short!

Yes. It's very bad. Get all the cameras out, get a new phone and change the locks to your house. Like today. Block him everywhere. He'll beg and plead and guilt trip. So block. Without even telling him it's over cause there's nothing going on but abuse.

Please discuss this asap with a therapist. Agree with all posters. The fact that you can't tell this is an enormous breach of boundaries is a huge huge red flag for you. Take care of you.

 

34 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

First of all, OP, there is nothing wrong with dating, when you choose the right person. 

After a 20 years marriage you need considerable time by yourself, alone, before embarking on any kind of relationship.  You need to talk precisely about this facet of yourself with the therapist.  You need to improve your radar so that you can read people better.  And get help to acquire healthy boundaries. 

I didn't date for 2 years after my divorce. And experienced the worst men EVER. Maybe I just attract them.....

Just now, Seraphim said:

No, he wanted to draw you away from all your support networks so he could treat you like crap easier, this is what abusers do. 

Well didn't see that coming. 

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oh my OP... This is not dating or love.

You've been "dating" for 8 months. You haven't seen him in over 2 months. 

You've completely changed your life for this guy. He controls when you can poop.

What are you doing? 

Talk to your landlord about breaking the lease because of abuse and GET OUT OF THERE!

QUIETLY though. Do not give this guy the opportunity to abuse you more, trap you or any other horrible thing you can think of.

Quietly pack up your stuff. get a new phone and number. Have a mechanic check your car for a tracking device.

Then leave!

This guy is psycho for real.

 

 

 

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22 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I didn't rush anything.

You said you haven't seen him since you moved, which was 9 weeks ago. 

So, you moved to be closer to him within, what, 5 or 6 months of dating? That is fast, girl. Too fast. 

How much time had you spent together in person when you moved? 

Edited by MissCanuck
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17 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

And experienced the worst men EVER. Maybe I just attract them.....

Not sure as to whether you attract them.  Although predators of this type can somehow see the vulnerable coming a mile off. It is how they operate.  Again, it is down to you learning how to spot these types at the outset, to learn good boundaries, to sharpen up the radar.     

An individual like this can destroy your soul.

                               

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You said you haven't seen him since you moved, which was 9 weeks ago. 

So, you moved to be closer to him within, what, 5 or 6 months of dating? That is fast, girl. Too fast. 

How much time had you spent together in person when you moved? 

We dated for 3 months, than another 6 months of being exclusive before we officially became boyfriend/girlfriend and that's been for 8 months - so close to a year and a half. Saw him every other week for the most part. I won't introduce my kids to anyone so when I have them I don't go out or have anyone come over. 

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41 minutes ago, Cape_Cod_Mama said:

I didn't date for 2 years after my divorce. And experienced the worst men EVER. Maybe I just attract them.....

I'm sorry to say this: it's because you don't have boundaries and don't know how to say no that they go to you.

Look what you let this man do to you. The more you agree too, the more he'll ask for. Plus, he's a psycho.

I'm so happy you're little healthy alarm bell sought help. Please listen to all the helpful advice here and take care of you. As another poster mentioned, inform your family of you whereabouts until you have him blocked and change the locks/remove any tracking device.

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