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I am so confused


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I am 46, divorced after 25 yrs and finally had been with/known a man for the last year and 3 months.  We started out great, communication was wonderful, physical attraction and attention was great, he always flirted with me,  he always showed me and my kids how he cared. That lasted 2 months. Then he started disappearing and not communicating so I ended it.

He came back a month or so later asking if I would give him a chance to just be friends and let him work on himself be the man I deserve. That he was using our relationship as a bandaid for his issues and I deserve more. Since coming back he has been 100% consistent and nonstop communication even when not together.  I know there is literally no way he could have anyone else because we talk constant all day even if he isn't here and if he isn't here he has his kids also. We are not physical other than peck on lips and sleep in same bed and occasionally holds my hand. It has been over a year now since he was physical with me.  He doesn't touch me or do anything like that. He has moved most of his stuff here and stays here every chance he can but due to taking care if a family member can't totally move here yet. He has taken care of me thru 2 major surgeries and taken care of my children with special needs and done all their care. However along with no flirting or physical, he will not call us in a relationship at all and said it's because all past relationships have failed and he wants to give me 100% of himself when we take that step again.

He said he needs to keep working on himself and us continue to work on building our relationship. That he has alot of stress taking a toll and isn't in the right frame of mind to be able to give me all he needs to. I have been patient and understanding. I know he does love me in his way but I have been totally up front on my feelings and I tell him I feel like I'm at a different level of love then him and it scares me. Hr said we aren't at the same level but he will get there to give him time to get this stress off. But it's been over a year. I never stopped wanting him or loving him and I've only grown to love him more and I'm so afraid he will never get to a point he gives me the love and affection I want so much and that I'll always be stuck in this whatever we are.

He said to have faith in us and patience in him and let things progress naturally but it's so confusing because we went backwards and it's already been over a year. In every other aspect everyone thinks we are in a relationship because we make decisions together and do everything together, have even went into debt together on a vehicle and business supplies and we call each other baby etc and kiss with a peck occasionally. My family loves him and his family that I've met love me.  But I don't understand no matter how hard I try why he won't call us a relationship and why we can't be physical., even if not fully just flirty and touch etc. 

Meanwhile I have people who want a relationship with me and would be good to me too and it's so confusing to know whether to keep holding our for him and hoping he comes through in time or to let go. I love him so much but I don't want to live my life with no security and no physical forever. I had a tough marriage and I want to be secure and happy now. I want him to be my person, my one, I want him to love me the way I love him and show me like I want to him. I know our love language is different and he shows he cares by taking care of me and the kids and fixing things and doing things for me but I need to feel wanted and loved like a couple too. 

Sorry this is long!

 

Advice anyone? 

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1 hour ago, Confused and unsure mom said:

We are not physical other than peck on lips and sleep in same bed and occasionally holds my hand. It has been over a year now since he was physical with me.  He doesn't touch me or do anything like that. He has moved most of his stuff here and stays here every chance he can but due to taking care if a family member can't totally move here yet. He has taken care of me thru 2 major surgeries and taken care of my children with special needs and done all their care. However along with no flirting or physical, he will not call us in a relationship at all and said it's because all past relationships have failed and he wants to give me 100% of himself when we take that step again.

 But it's been over a year

Oh my god.

Why are you living with this "friend"? And why doesn't he have his own place? You're not his mum and are not obliged in any way to have him over.

Anyways. You know it's not right. You know it's not mutual love. Let him work on himself at his mom's place. Not at yours. Don't let him benefit from the fact you love him so that he can have a friend, cook,... Or any other benefit.

On a side note: yes. You have needs. You need to take care of them. You need to learn to listen to them and only be in a situation where they are honoured and met. Keep that in mind with the next man, otherwise you'll find yourself in a similar relationship.

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1 hour ago, Confused and unsure mom said:

I know our love language is different

He says he won't say you are in a relationship. He won't commit. It's not about you. He just doesn't love you. The "I'm working on myself" is a bs excuse.

Love language does not even apply to your situation.

You seriously need to work on your boundaries and heal your concept of love.

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2 hours ago, Confused and unsure mom said:

It has been over a year now since he was physical with me.  He doesn't touch me or do anything like that. He has moved most of his stuff here and stays here every chance he can but due to taking care if a family member can't totally move here yet.

Sorry this is happening. he's using you as a free storage facility and free BnB to get away from his problems.

Tell him to get all his stuff out of your house and rent a storage unit. Stop allowing him around your kids. He's a weirdo.

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10 hours ago, Confused and unsure mom said:

RED FLAG: Then he started disappearing and not communicating so I ended it.

RED FLAG: He came back a month or so later asking if I would give him a chance to just be friends and let him work on himself be the man I deserve. 

RED FLAG: We are not physical other than peck on lips and sleep in same bed and occasionally holds my hand. It has been over a year now since he was physical with me.  He doesn't touch me or do anything like that.

RED FLAG:

He said he needs to keep working on himself and us continue to work on building our relationship. That he has alot of stress taking a toll and isn't in the right frame of mind to be able to give me all he needs to. I have been patient and understanding. I know he does love me in his way but I have been totally up front on my feelings and I tell him I feel like I'm at a different level of love then him and it scares me. Hr said we aren't at the same level but he will get there to give him time to get this stress off. But it's been over a year. I never stopped wanting him or loving him and I've only grown to love him more and I'm so afraid he will never get to a point he gives me the love and affection I want so much and that I'll always be stuck in this whatever we are.

He said to have faith in us and patience in him and let things progress naturally but it's so confusing because we went backwards and it's already been over a year. In every other aspect everyone thinks we are in a relationship because we make decisions together and do everything together, have even went into debt together on a vehicle and business supplies and we call each other baby etc and kiss with a peck occasionally. My family loves him and his family that I've met love me.  But I don't understand no matter how hard I try why he won't call us a relationship and why we can't be physical., even if not fully just flirty and touch etc. 

GREEN FLAG: Meanwhile I have people who want a relationship with me and would be good to me too

 

Advice anyone? 

He's feeding you crap. Girl give your head a shake. There is a real man out there that will give you the love and intimacy you so deserve. Kick this guy to the curb. Never make accommodations for a guy that keeps one foot on the floor when in bed with you.

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