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What Should I Do?


ConfusedRomantic
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I'm still young (24) but I am so confused on what to do. I got married to my husband when I was 20. We lived a fine life where I realized my feelings for him weren't as genuine as I thought. We do not have a lot in common other than liking to go out together. It's not that I don't love him, I just don't love him the way I think spouses should love each other. He paid more attention to other things and left me to the side. One thing led to another and we separated around 2 years later. During the next two years I fell in love with someone. Someone who had so much in common with me except the desire to go out. I felt I could be myself around him. After about a year and a few months,  unplanned but I got pregnant. We were ecstatic but I started noticing changes in my boyfriend. He stopped caring for me and treated me pretty bad. Our son was killed by a medical malpractice situation and our lives were ruined. After about half a year I realized I resented him. We broke up pretty much exactly at the 2 year mark of our relationship. He now realizes what he did wrong and regrets everything. I know I need some time to grieve properly. Our ways of grieving were way too different. I returned to my husband after this and my husband is super grateful to have me back in his life. My problem is I genuinely love my ex-boyfriend. He is the one that makes me feel the love I want for the rest of my life. But after we lost our son, he became unmotivated. I don't blame him, I lost everything. But he refused to go to work, turned to weed all the time. He became what my parents loathed. I feel friendly feelings and a different love towards my husband but he's got a future. I have no interest in physical intimacy with him. I'll tolerate it, but it's no real desire like I felt with my ex-bf. I'm at a loss. I don't know if I am supposed to be with my husband. I feel he deserves me back but I also feel he deserves better than me as I can't reciprocate his love completely. My parents tell me I can grow to be in love with him with time. They do not want me back with my ex-boyfriend. My husband offers financial security and the prospect of me fostering kids. My ex-bf offers me a true love. He said he would get a job and buy a house or do anything if I went back to him but I can't be sure of that. Any advice helps, thank you.

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25 minutes ago, ConfusedRomantic said:

I don't know if I am supposed to be with my husband.

It really doesn't sound like it. You outgrew the marriage a while ago and only see him as a friend. That is not the basis for long-lasting happiness. You will almost surely not remain married this time around either. 

I am sorry for the loss of your child. It sounds like your ex-boyfriend is not the right one for you either, though. 

You married very young, and it doesn't sound like you had much time to figure out what you want in life before you made big commitments. Perhaps it is better to be single for a while and find your own footing without a man around to distract you from your true desires and goals.

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I'm sorry about your loss.

Why have you not separated from your husband before being with your ex?

I do also think it's time to divorce and be single. You're not forced to being with any of them, and no you won't love with time your husband.

Please take your time as a single person, focus on yourself and studies/work, and heal. No men for at least a year would do you good. I also advise you no longer talk/respond to husband/ex. Block if needed.

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4 hours ago, ConfusedRomantic said:

 My parents tell me I can grow to be in love with him with time.  My ex-bf offers me a true love. He said he would get a job and buy a house or do anything 

Is this an arranged marriage? Does your lover live with his parents? It's unclear how someone who is lazy, smokes weed all day, won't work, lies to you and abandoned you is offering "true love".

It sounds like you got married off by your parents because you are a financial burden. Do you work?

You seem starved for more attention than a decent hard working man can offer you.

Did you miscarry or have a stillborn or abortion? What do you mean by medical malpractice situation? Can you have more children? What do you mean by "fostering children"? Do you mean adoption?

Get an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health. Discuss your depression and anxiety. Get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Running away and trying to hang onto an extramarital affair by getting pregnant means you are quite unhappy and seeking self destructive solutions which as you can see, creates more disasters for everyone involved.

 

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I am very sorry about the loss of your child.

In my opinion, none of the two men is right for you.  As much as you appreciate your husband as a person you are not physically attracted to him and that means that none of you will be happy if you stay in this marriage.  How old is your husband?  It sounds like you married him based on his capacity to provide financial security and like you may be on different life stages.  As for your ex-boyfriend he sounds abusive.  After you got pregnant he stopped caring for you and treated you badly.  That was before you lost your child so there is no excuse whatsoever for that.  Plus, he uses weed to escape from his problems.  These are MAJOR red flags that he CANNOT be trusted.  Life is hard at time for everyone and he has shown that he is ill equipped to handle difficulties in a healthy manner.  Imo, it would be a huge mistake to ever get back with him. 

The best thing for you would be to learn to stand on your own two feet instead of relying on men to take care of you.  Do you have a job?  In my opinion, you need to stay single, work on becoming financially independent and once you learn stand on your own two feet, find a new man whom you are genuinely attracted to and who does not neglect you nor mistreat you nor falls off the wagon when life gets tough.  Good luck!

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I dont think you should be with any of those two. 

Your husband offers you a "safe harbor". He has a future and will take care of you but emotions just arent there and you dont even wish to be physical with him. Other then a "provider" part he has nothing to offer.

Other guy is a bum. He offers that "intense emotions" you seek but, as many cases like that, he is abusive Ahole with inability to take care of you and even himself. 

I think its very telling about you that you gravitate between those two choices. Where one is loveless marriage and other is abusive Ahole. And that you are even considering one or the other. And that you indeed should take a time off. And reflect about what you want. For example do you care more about financial stability or do you want that "butterflies in the belly" thing more. Some women care more about one or the other and try to find a partner accordingly but you dont seem to figure that out yet. So you bounce between 2 extremes. I watched some stupid Netflix show. Where they justify cheating with "OMG gurl, you only have 85% of your needs taken care, you need 100% to be happy". I dont really think anyone has that 100%. But think everyone should at least figure out what they want and strive to that. And be happy with it. Your 2 extremes, I dont think any of them gets to 50%. So figure it out and find a guy that would at least get you to that 85%.

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3 hours ago, Clio said:

The best thing for you would be to learn to stand on your own two feet instead of relying on men to take care of you.  Do you have a job?  In my opinion, you need to stay single, work on becoming financially independent and once you learn stand on your own two feet,

I fully agree Clio. 

And cannot anything to what MissC has said. 

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You married very young, and it doesn't sound like you had much time to figure out what you want in life before you made big commitments. Perhaps it is better to be single for a while and find your own footing without a man around to distract you from your true desires and goals.

 

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You are NOT happy with your marriage.

You have too much going on ( between 2 men) and a loss of a child 😕 .. so sorry.

I feel you NEED to be on your own for a good while... get out of this marriage and get your own self back together.

And no, your parents are incorrect.  If you do not feel 'real love' for your husband by now, you never will.

The relationship will not improve.

Please get out of this with both of them, and take some serious down time to focus and take care of YOU here ❤️ .

Maybe seek some therapy to help you along with all of this.

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9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? Does your lover live with his parents? It's unclear how someone who is lazy, smokes weed all day, won't work, lies to you and abandoned you is offering "true love".

It sounds like you got married off by your parents because you are a financial burden. Do you work?

You seem starved for more attention than a decent hard working man can offer you.

Did you miscarry or have a stillborn or abortion? What do you mean by medical malpractice situation? Can you have more children? What do you mean by "fostering children"? Do you mean adoption?

Get an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health. Discuss your depression and anxiety. Get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Running away and trying to hang onto an extramarital affair by getting pregnant means you are quite unhappy and seeking self destructive solutions which as you can see, creates more disasters for everyone involved.

 

It was not an arranged marriage but my parents heavily reinforced I should be with him because of his ethnicity. I felt I loved him enough when we did get married. And yes, I know it doesn't make sense but the love is there. But I also know love doesn't pay bills. 

I do work but because of my health I no longer work full time and just help out my parents at their business. They've told me they can help me for as long as they can but I need to find a way to be financially taken care of which is why they want me with my husband. 

It was a stillbirth. I won't go into detail. I will not be having more children. What i mean by fostering children is literally being a foster parent. I do not mean adopting. 

Getting depression help is not a bad idea. But you seem to misinterpret what I said and get offensive at the end. 

 

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9 hours ago, Clio said:

I am very sorry about the loss of your child.

 How old is your husband? 

As for your ex-boyfriend he sounds abusive.  After you got pregnant he stopped caring for you and treated you badly.  That was before you lost your child so there is no excuse whatsoever for that.  Plus, he uses weed to escape from his problems.  These are MAJOR red flags that he CANNOT be trusted.  

The best thing for you would be to learn to stand on your own two feet instead of relying on men to take care of you.  Do you have a job?  In my opinion, you need to stay single, work on becoming financially independent and once you learn stand on your own two feet, find a new man whom you are genuinely attracted to and who does not neglect you nor mistreat you nor falls off the wagon when life gets tough.  Good luck!

First of all, thank you.

My husband is only 3 years older than me while the ex boyfriend is the same age as me. The reason my boyfriend had pulled back and treated me badly is because he says he was worried the whole time. Everytime i went to the hospital they kept telling me about the odds of my survival. Doesn't excuse it but just wanted to clarify. He's never physically abused me. My husband did once years ago but never did again. 

The weed was always a worry of mine for sure. 

I do have a job but it is only helping out my parents at their business. I can no longer work a real job because of my health that os why my parents want me with my husband because he has offered me to stay home. But you're right, I should find a way on my own. 

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You are selfish, and need to be straight with your husband. He's loves you and you want to use him. That's a poor life choice. Your ex is a bad choice too. He was unsupportive, selfish, and disconnected on you when you needed him the most. It would be disastrous going back to him.

I suggest you seek out therapy to work out your grief first, then get real with yourself.  Codependency is unhealthy. Your kids need to learn and look up to a mom that can stand on her own and be able to be independent. Your parents are not very good role models if they say to fake your way your with your husband is your answer.

Your husband can be on the hook for child support, and you can collect disability. Once you get everything straighten out with your life, you will be ready to find love in a positive healthy way.

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2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Your husband can be on the hook for child support,

I don't think they have any children. OP, can you clarify?

Your parents want someone, anyone, to provide for you financially so they don't have to. That's kind of crappy.

I definitely recommend counseling so you can find out what you truly want in life. But a husband you don't love romantically or a boyfriend who smokes weed and doesn't work is not the path to happiness or a fulfilling life.

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7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think they have any children. OP, can you clarify?

Your parents want someone, anyone, to provide for you financially so they don't have to. That's kind of crappy.

I definitely recommend counseling so you can find out what you truly want in life. But a husband you don't love romantically or a boyfriend who smokes weed and doesn't work is not the path to happiness or a fulfilling life.

No living children, no. And yeah that might be crappy on my parents but I was expected to take care of them as they are getting older so I do see their frustrations. 

Counseling definitely has to be in my future for sure. 

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Your parents are not being realistic, and I think they know that. 

They're telling you that your love with grow so they can essentially offload you onto a man who will pay your way. They're trying to convince you to go to him so they don't have to be financially responsible for you. I doubt they even believe themselves that your "love will grow" for him - they are just grasping at straws and hoping you'll believe it because they don't want to worry about how you are going to get by in life when you don't work.

But OP, it's not a feasible plan. You don't love your husband that way, clearly, and you will be sentencing yourself to a life of unhappiness. It is almost certain that you will not stay married to him when you've already left once before. You didn't marry him for the right reasons, it seems, but more or less to relieve your parents' anxiety over who was going to take care of you. 

Are you unable to find work even online? A lot of jobs can now be done from home, given how the pandemic has changed the world. It might be an option for you if you cannot get out of the home much. 

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Take care of your parents? They need to prepare for their own future and not burden you as much. Already I see they would rather take the easy way out. That's not fair to you. You already have enough on your plate, and need to focus on your own future for your own sake. You can do this. There must be employment agencies that offer advice on what is available to you. Look into a community college that has low budget courses you can take.

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